My DP has told me he cheated on his EX

[WhatToDoWhatToThink]

I've named changed for this, I'm a regular poster and lurker and my DP knows my normal username. I've changed some details slightly to not out me

A few days ago me and my DP of a few years (we live together) were talking about the past and he admitted he cheated on his EX numerous times throughout there long term relationship, before they had there DC and after. This shocked me, I knew he had a bad relationship but didn't think he was like this. He isn't bothered and said the relationship was miserable neither of them were happy they argued all the time ect ect so he cheated she never knew so weren't hurt even though he knows it was wrong to do but he doesn't regret it or feel bad.

How can he not feel bad? It's changed what I think of him. He's told me he's a different person now we have a different relationship and he would never do that to me but I don't think I believe him.

People who do bad things can change.

The sign of change is that they recognise that what they did was bad and why and they have made changes to themselves to prevent them doing it again.

This guy doesn't think it was bad, thinks it was justified by his perception that the relationship he was in at the time was not good and hasn't done any work on himself - he is solely relying on things with you being 'good'.

I would be very destabilised by that too.

What I mean is he thought it was ok to cheat because he didn't want to be with his ex apparently but he carried on the relationship with her, had DC with her and carried on cheating, all the while claiming the relationship was 'bad' and that meant cheating wasn't... Doesn't make sense...

Cheaters are also liars...

If I was in your position, I would run. Fast.

Agree with Offred. Some people do bad things, learn their lesson and change their behaviour. Some people do bad things, see nothing wrong with it and continue to do them.

Also, the fact that this was a recent and long-term serious relationship (with DC) would really worry me. As does the fact that this is not mentioned fairly close to the beginning of a relationship but well into it.

If, as part of discussion a few months into a relationship when you both start to realise it's serious and you talk about dealbreakers, a partner said to me "When I was a teenager, 15 years ago, I cheated on my girlfriend. I felt awful, then realised how stupid I'd been and learned my lesson. I've never cheated again and I'm never going to.", I would probably give that person a go.

But what your DP said. No. Nada. No way.

Head for the hills.

He is telling you who he is.

Please listen.

How he is with you is what you need to focus on.

The past is just that and yes people can and do change.

The sign of change is that they recognise that what they did was bad and why and they have made changes to themselves to prevent them doing it again. This guy doesn't think it was bad, thinks it was justified by his perception that the relationship he was in at the time was not good and hasn't done any work on himself - he is solely relying on things with you being 'good'.

This is actually very true.

I came across a guy like this and it was a miserable experience.

I should have heeded his dating profile as he admitted cheating on it "in a dead relationship.

There was also a standard question on the dating site asking if it is ever ok to cheat on someone you date. I said No and he said it is understandable sometimes but it indicates you arent dating the right person.

What kind of value system is that?

I then discovered he had a history of cheating on almost everyone and lying and minismising what he does. He wont take responsibility for it.

He dumped me for someone else and now I am holding my breath to see if he treats her well this time. I am scared this is the time he is good and faithful because it would mean it was me.

I think FairPlay to him for being so honest. He obviously trusts you, it must have taken a lot as the easy option would be to lie to keep the peace. I think you should see it as a massive compliment, he's obviously very happy with you.

TheNaze I disagree. It depends on his motives for being honest, doesn't it? If he was sorry about cheating and determined never to do it again, you could take his honesty as an assurance of commitment (though I think it's wise to go by actions, not words). As it is, he's not sorry about cheating, so he could be consciously or subconsciously warning the OP that he might do it again - in which case he'll have a disclaimer, won't he? He could claim that he already told her he'd cheat if the relationship went wrong. And conveniently blame her for letting things go wrong.

Another Emma, I totally meant the first bit about being sorry etc.

Yes and they guy I was with didnt seem to be remorseful about cheating in a major relationship either. He justified it as being a dead relationship and he wasnt sure whether to end it.... Yes well she didnt know it was a dead relationship to him and to her it wasnt.

I should have listened as he later cheated with me and on me.