My DP has told me he cheated on his EX

[WhatToDoWhatToThink]

I've named changed for this, I'm a regular poster and lurker and my DP knows my normal username. I've changed some details slightly to not out me

A few days ago me and my DP of a few years (we live together) were talking about the past and he admitted he cheated on his EX numerous times throughout there long term relationship, before they had there DC and after. This shocked me, I knew he had a bad relationship but didn't think he was like this. He isn't bothered and said the relationship was miserable neither of them were happy they argued all the time ect ect so he cheated she never knew so weren't hurt even though he knows it was wrong to do but he doesn't regret it or feel bad.

How can he not feel bad? It's changed what I think of him. He's told me he's a different person now we have a different relationship and he would never do that to me but I don't think I believe him.

WhatToDo - You need to know what he thinks about cheating/cheaters now. If a friend of his was cheating on his partner what would he do? Why didn't he part from his wife when he knew they were not suited? What about the women he cheated on, were they hurt by his treatment of them? Etc.
This is important whether you decide to stay with him or not.

I once stole a bar of chocolate, doesn't mean I would do it now.

I don't think it's comparable. "Once". Where his situation is rather more:

"He used to steal bread quite often when he was hungry, but now he has plenty to eat he doesn't steal."

So what happens if he gets hungry again?

I think OP is right to be worried about this revelation, and finding out more about his attitude to cheating in general is important. For example, does he hold women to different standards from men? Is it ok for unhappy men to cheat but not women? Is it ok so long as you're not married but married people shouldn't cheat? etc

One of my exes had a history of cheating in all of his major relationships and showed little remorse for it and lied about the last time.
He cheated with me i am 99% sure and i didnt know he was back with his ex at the time. He said he was single. I figured it out later.

I guess a guy like this and the OPs has zero chance of being a decent partner.

Red flags here. I bet he said she made do it, he was unhappy etc. My ex was a cheat he cheated on his all his GFs but he had grown up and was a family man. Guess what he been cheating on me and it was all my fault. Hes married now and i know from people he has cheated on her and she hasn't a clue. Once a cheat always a cheat. My ex used to brag about his cheating ways.

So given you are his "forever" relationship and have been living together for years, is there any marriage on the horizon? Or, is he still hedging his bets in case you hit a rough patch. I hope you don't have children with him.

If they were both so unhappy in the relationship why on earth did it last long enough for them to have children together and him have time to carry on cheating afterwards? I wonder if she knew how unhappy the relationship supposedly was before she had his children. I think he's lying about how bad the relationship was in order to justify some extremely shitty behaviour on his part.

My ex cheated on me numerous times. He is now married to someone he is much happier with and I am absolutely certain he hasn't cheated on her. He told me he'd learnt from our relationship how destructive his behaviour was (as was my own at times).

Perhaps I am an optimist but I believe people can change.

Situations change but people, unless they work hard to change themselves, remain the same.
It's not enough to say you are a different partner so it won't happen again - he is the same so if he feels the same stressed again he is likely to behave the same way again. His cheating was about him, not about his ex partner or the relationship between them. He's a naive fool if he really believes that he won't cheat because you're a different person.

I'd be wondering why he's telling you now?
I think he's grooming you so that he can cheat

Wow today's gold star for amateur psychologist bollox of the day.
What a load of rubbish. Perhaps he wants to be honest and open with Op and put his past behind him.

IMO, his disclosure puts responsibility for his cheating on the relationship, not him.

He's basically telling you that while the relationship is good for him he won't cheat. So, if he cheats, it's because he's not happy with you, or you don't make him happy.

Instead of taking responsibility over his actions. He could have left his previous relationship much earlier if he wasn't happy.

I wouldn't be happy either, that he could lie so well that his wife never found out. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust him now.

It's also worrying that he sees his cheating as harmless.

Finally, who's to say that the relationship wasn't bad because of his cheating? Because he basically checked out of it and didn't make an effort to relate to his wife instead?

Massive red flag. The fact that he doesn't regret and isn't sorry is another massive red flag. The fact that he blames relationship problems means that if there are ever any problems in your relationship with him, he could cheat on you.

I wouldn't be able to stay with him and trust him, and given that you already have trust issue because you've been cheated on in the last, I don't think you'll be able to trust him either. You don't have to force yourself to trust someone that you feel is untrustworthy. That way madness lies.

Gah, typos.
issue=issues
last=past

Totally agree Fidelia.

Fidelia do you write fortune cookies or Christmas crackers? Your stuff is priceless.

You can't put your past behind you if you don't take responsibility for it. By saying that he feels no remorse, he's telling her who he is. Now, (yes, psychologically) he's putting the responsibility on her if she chooses to continue the relationship. And yes, that's grooming to cheat.

Where do I start!!!! How do you know Op's DP has not taken responsibility?
I take responsibility for everything I have ever done, but I have little or no remorse.

he's telling her who he is, I suspect He may lack empathy / remorse as a character trait. That's doesn't make him a serial cheater.

As for he's putting the responsibility on her, that's rubbish, I can't even be arsed reasoning that part.

drmorbius are you a serial cheater too?

That's doesn't make him a serial cheater.

I agree.
But he's definitely a serial cheater because he cheated repeatedly on his previous partner.

Sorry haven't had a Chance to check the thread this afternoon, to answer a few points

Yeh marriage is/was on the horizon and we don't have DC together but we each have our own

He isn't proud of what he done but he doesn't particularly regret it either. His reasons that it was a bad relationship neither were happy he stayed for the DC and ex previously was difficult with contact so he went back for the DC sake which I don't agree with and isn't an excuse to his reasoning for staying.

He knows I wouldn't take it and because of my past if I even suspected he was/had cheated on me I'd walk away because I wouldn't let myself be in the position of guessing/wondering/on edge and I couldn't go through that again especially not with DC involved.

He said he's a different man he's grown up and matured and not something he would do. We have had some difficult bad patches where he's been the one that's made more effort to get things back on track between us and hasn't ran off and done whatever but how do I now trust that for the future

This would be a deal breaker for me. He should have told you this much earlier in your relationship. He is dishonest and underhand.

Well you have learned that he is capable of it and you have learned that he can justify it, what you do with that is up to you.

Don't marry him
Take your children and walk away
There are good men out there who have never cheated and never would