My DP has told me he cheated on his EX

[WhatToDoWhatToThink]

I've named changed for this, I'm a regular poster and lurker and my DP knows my normal username. I've changed some details slightly to not out me

A few days ago me and my DP of a few years (we live together) were talking about the past and he admitted he cheated on his EX numerous times throughout there long term relationship, before they had there DC and after. This shocked me, I knew he had a bad relationship but didn't think he was like this. He isn't bothered and said the relationship was miserable neither of them were happy they argued all the time ect ect so he cheated she never knew so weren't hurt even though he knows it was wrong to do but he doesn't regret it or feel bad.

How can he not feel bad? It's changed what I think of him. He's told me he's a different person now we have a different relationship and he would never do that to me but I don't think I believe him.

[SoThatHappened]

Yes and they guy I was with didnt seem to be remorseful about cheating in a major relationship either. He justified it as being a dead relationship and he wasnt sure whether to end it.... Yes well she didnt know it was a dead relationship to him and to her it wasnt.

I should have listened as he later cheated with me and on me.

[TheNaze73]

Another Emma, I totally meant the first bit about being sorry etc.

[NameChange30]

TheNaze I disagree. It depends on his motives for being honest, doesn't it? If he was sorry about cheating and determined never to do it again, you could take his honesty as an assurance of commitment (though I think it's wise to go by actions, not words). As it is, he's not sorry about cheating, so he could be consciously or subconsciously warning the OP that he might do it again - in which case he'll have a disclaimer, won't he? He could claim that he already told her he'd cheat if the relationship went wrong. And conveniently blame her for letting things go wrong.

[TheNaze73]

I think FairPlay to him for being so honest. He obviously trusts you, it must have taken a lot as the easy option would be to lie to keep the peace. I think you should see it as a massive compliment, he's obviously very happy with you.

[SoThatHappened]

The sign of change is that they recognise that what they did was bad and why and they have made changes to themselves to prevent them doing it again. This guy doesn't think it was bad, thinks it was justified by his perception that the relationship he was in at the time was not good and hasn't done any work on himself - he is solely relying on things with you being 'good'.

This is actually very true.

I came across a guy like this and it was a miserable experience.

I should have heeded his dating profile as he admitted cheating on it "in a dead relationship.

There was also a standard question on the dating site asking if it is ever ok to cheat on someone you date. I said No and he said it is understandable sometimes but it indicates you arent dating the right person.

What kind of value system is that?

I then discovered he had a history of cheating on almost everyone and lying and minismising what he does. He wont take responsibility for it.

He dumped me for someone else and now I am holding my breath to see if he treats her well this time. I am scared this is the time he is good and faithful because it would mean it was me.

[rosewithoutthorns]

How he is with you is what you need to focus on.

The past is just that and yes people can and do change.

[littleleftie]

He is telling you who he is.

Please listen.

[PitPatKitKat]

If I was in your position, I would run. Fast.

Agree with Offred. Some people do bad things, learn their lesson and change their behaviour. Some people do bad things, see nothing wrong with it and continue to do them.

Also, the fact that this was a recent and long-term serious relationship (with DC) would really worry me. As does the fact that this is not mentioned fairly close to the beginning of a relationship but well into it.

If, as part of discussion a few months into a relationship when you both start to realise it's serious and you talk about dealbreakers, a partner said to me "When I was a teenager, 15 years ago, I cheated on my girlfriend. I felt awful, then realised how stupid I'd been and learned my lesson. I've never cheated again and I'm never going to.", I would probably give that person a go.

But what your DP said. No. Nada. No way.

Head for the hills.

[Offred]

What I mean is he thought it was ok to cheat because he didn't want to be with his ex apparently but he carried on the relationship with her, had DC with her and carried on cheating, all the while claiming the relationship was 'bad' and that meant cheating wasn't... Doesn't make sense...

Cheaters are also liars...

[Offred]

People who do bad things can change.

The sign of change is that they recognise that what they did was bad and why and they have made changes to themselves to prevent them doing it again.

This guy doesn't think it was bad, thinks it was justified by his perception that the relationship he was in at the time was not good and hasn't done any work on himself - he is solely relying on things with you being 'good'.

I would be very destabilised by that too.

[NameChange30]

Don't marry him
Take your children and walk away
There are good men out there who have never cheated and never would

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Well you have learned that he is capable of it and you have learned that he can justify it, what you do with that is up to you.

[kittybiscuits]

This would be a deal breaker for me. He should have told you this much earlier in your relationship. He is dishonest and underhand.

[WhatToDoWhatToThink]

Sorry haven't had a Chance to check the thread this afternoon, to answer a few points

Yeh marriage is/was on the horizon and we don't have DC together but we each have our own

He isn't proud of what he done but he doesn't particularly regret it either. His reasons that it was a bad relationship neither were happy he stayed for the DC and ex previously was difficult with contact so he went back for the DC sake which I don't agree with and isn't an excuse to his reasoning for staying.

He knows I wouldn't take it and because of my past if I even suspected he was/had cheated on me I'd walk away because I wouldn't let myself be in the position of guessing/wondering/on edge and I couldn't go through that again especially not with DC involved.

He said he's a different man he's grown up and matured and not something he would do. We have had some difficult bad patches where he's been the one that's made more effort to get things back on track between us and hasn't ran off and done whatever but how do I now trust that for the future

[Lweji]

That's doesn't make him a serial cheater.

I agree.
But he's definitely a serial cheater because he cheated repeatedly on his previous partner.

[UmbongoUnchained]

drmorbius are you a serial cheater too?

[DrMorbius]

Fidelia do you write fortune cookies or Christmas crackers? Your stuff is priceless.

You can't put your past behind you if you don't take responsibility for it. By saying that he feels no remorse, he's telling her who he is. Now, (yes, psychologically) he's putting the responsibility on her if she chooses to continue the relationship. And yes, that's grooming to cheat.

Where do I start!!!! How do you know Op's DP has not taken responsibility?
I take responsibility for everything I have ever done, but I have little or no remorse.

he's telling her who he is, I suspect He may lack empathy / remorse as a character trait. That's doesn't make him a serial cheater.

As for he's putting the responsibility on her, that's rubbish, I can't even be arsed reasoning that part.

[NameChange30]

Totally agree Fidelia.

[NameChange30]

Gah, typos.
issue=issues
last=past

[NameChange30]

Massive red flag. The fact that he doesn't regret and isn't sorry is another massive red flag. The fact that he blames relationship problems means that if there are ever any problems in your relationship with him, he could cheat on you.

I wouldn't be able to stay with him and trust him, and given that you already have trust issue because you've been cheated on in the last, I don't think you'll be able to trust him either. You don't have to force yourself to trust someone that you feel is untrustworthy. That way madness lies.

[Lweji]

Finally, who's to say that the relationship wasn't bad because of his cheating? Because he basically checked out of it and didn't make an effort to relate to his wife instead?

[Lweji]

It's also worrying that he sees his cheating as harmless.