Girlfriend danced with "step brother" on a night out....

[stepdad85]

To cut a long story short I'm looking for some opinions on something that happened recently that is really bothering me.

On Christmas day at my girlfriends family's house they had a surprise visit from her mams new husbands sons, they both flew over from Australia. I've been with my girlfriend nearly two years and up until then didn't even know they existed. Both of them are pretty good looking, well built lads. My girlfriend was so exited to see one of them in particular it raised a bit of a weird feeling for me, I guess jealousy is the word I'm looking for. This lad is not blood related and she mentioned him a good few times over the next few days. I never showed her I was feeling jealous, at the time I thought it was unwarranted and down to my insecurities.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and we got an invite to the lads leaving party as they're going back to Australia shortly. We spend the night in a social club drinking and head to a busy bar/club at the end of the night. My girlfriend is their, along with her mam, her "stepdad" and his sons and each of the sons girlfriends.

By the end of the night my girlfriend and the lad I had a funny feeling about (her step brother) were on the dance floor together, holding hands, his arms around her waist and on the top of her backside, she had her arms around his shoulders and neck, their faces right next to each other and to my eyes it looked wrong. This went on for about an hour, I tried on two occasions to come over and join them as I felt like a right fool standing their with her mam while she was dancing with him but she basically ignored me. I took a couple of photos of them in each others arms with the intent to show her in the morning because I knew she would say I was just being jealous and it was nothing. The lad she was dancing with could see I was getting upset and came over and said something along the lines of "she might be dancing like that with me but at least she's going home with you mate", apparently he was trying to make me feel better but it really didn't come across that way to me at the time.

Foolishly I ended up talking about this with her on the night and because of my drunken state I didn't put this across in the manner I would have liked. She is now super angry at me for being "disgusting" for suggesting something was going on. She states she cares about him like a brother and they were just having fun.

Meanwhile I've showed the photos to several people who have all said it doesn't look right and she was at very least not being very respectful to me by dancing with him like that. I've not brought it up with her again since as I know she's still mad about it all. This has really upset me, I never in a million years thought she would dance that close with someone in front of me, we always saw eye to eye on what we each found acceptable behavior while in a relationship etc, I literally couldn't believe my eyes when I saw them. Up until now I trusted her 100% and that has been spoiled because right now I can't believe her.

She was adamant I was being unreasonable and jealous but I feel like I know what I saw. I know the lads girlfriend was also out that night and I'm not sure what she made of all of this. I called the lads dad last night to apologize for causing a scene by mentioning I was unhappy about it and he replied by saying "you don't need to apologize I understand".

What are people's opinions on this? Am I being a jealous maniac? Am I over reacting? Is she hiding something from me about this? Or should I just drop it?

Would you consider that a normal way to dance with a distant family member? Personally I would never dance with my mams partners daughter like that. I'm so shocked about the whole thing and I really hope it's just me being daft and over exaggerating things. I still have the photos and I'm unsure if I should show them to my girlfriend so she can see what it looked like to me. If I'm wrong about it she's going to be very upset I don't trust her but I just can't internalize how she felt comfortable doing that in front of me.

madwoman I think I love you

Unless you've danced with any family members recently, obvs

I keep trying to dance with my 14yo son. He will NOT have it, despite me reminding him that we danced every night for the first year of his life, in a vain effort to make him sleep. Ungrateful shit bag.

Not even to cop a feel of your bum and make his GF jealous? LTB.

Madwoman your version is nothing like the OP.

I don't have a strong opinion on the OP - he didn't like the way she was dancing, she doesn't like that he doesn't trust her... the relationship is obviously on its last legs whatever the real situation was on the night.

But madwoman you think holding hands with someone who has asked you for directions is quite normal?! I've never in my life held hands with someone who asked me directions. Or have I misunderstood what you meant?

MissBattleaxe

Madwoman your version is nothing like the OP.

I think that Madwoman is now fixed on how she perceives the situation and is now immovable on it.

yes Boney. Its very embellished.

I called the lads dad last night to apologize for causing a scene by mentioning I was unhappy about it and he replied by saying "you don't need to apologize I understand"

So it wasn't just the OP who thought something was a bit off kilter.

"You don't need to apologise, I understand", sounds like something I might say to humour someone and smooth things over.

Or it could mean, you don;t need to apologise, I understand. Why would he need to humour him?

It's all doomed anyway. Whether that's because you think she's been so disrespectful of you that you dump her or she ends it with you because she thinks your behaviour was possessive and controlling.

I've ended a couple of relationships for this sort of behaviour - I would be the GF in this scenario I guess although my crimes tended to be things like talking to a man for a bit too long and putting my hand on his arm, or whatever, whatever, blah blah blah.

Either end it or wait till she does. It's up to you.

Lol Kew, holding hands with someone who asked directions is so laughably bonkers that I am suggesting there is about as much likelihood of it happening being a rational excuse for a jealous rage as the gf and sb groping each other at a family party. I am suggesting that the op sees the world and what goes on in it in a slightly different way to most other people. (ie through beer-colored jealousy goggles as he literally can't bear his woman interacting with anyone else with a penis - especially ones who are, in his words, well-built and good looking.)

I'd have told him it was ok if I'd been the stepdad too. And then discussed with my wife and her dd that the dude was a psycho nut job and she needed to bin him, fast.

Anyhoo - other than finding it mildly entertaining (with a side serving of unbridled rage) that the collective mind seems to think that the op is a paragon of virtue and that taking photos of your gf for the sole purpose of bitching and moaning later, and getting leathered and punchy is a perfectly normal reaction, I'll move along.

I hope the gf comes to her senses and kicks him to the kerb, because the last thing her son needs is a nutcase stepdad who objects to his mother having anything to do with other men, including strangers asking for direction and even his 'uncles', and gets drunk and shouty at family parties.

It sounds like a future domestic violence scenario waiting to happen, even if 'only' emotional abuse, gas lighting and control. Of course, he might not actually hit her, just isolate her from her wider family (and anyone she might meet on the street etc).

I really hope I'm wrong and that everyone encouraging him on here is right. I really do. Because the thought of this woman and her son getting further involved with him makes me a bit nervous for their future. Big red flags everywhere.

Less angry and more sad, now, I think.

madwomanbackintheattic WTF are you on?

There you go OP (if your still reading this), you are now emotionally abusing your gf and within the next few weeks will start beating her.

It must be true because madwoman made it up said so.

Holding hands with a someone who asked for directions would seem so absured as to be unbelievable...

Still, that's what OP describes so I suppose it must be true

Aha I see - I assumed that OP didn't mean full on hand holding but more touching, in the way I do when I'm flirting (and when I'm not flirting so I'm told!)

I don't think the OP is a paragon of virtue - I do think dancing closely with an adult step brother is odd but I think it's a stretch to decide that his partner is a paragon od virtue just as much as it's a stretch to assume he is.

What is apparent is that this is probably unresolvable - one of them is being unreasonable. I'm amazed anyone can decide which from the information on here.

nah - she doesn't see him as a 'brother'.

On the odd occasion I and my brother have been on the dance floor it's turned in to a dance off not an intimate one.

Yes she has known this guy for a long time but they are not 'sibling feelings' she has for him. She's probally not in love with him but there is a spark there.

A good saying on here is trust your gut instinct, its rarely wrong.

Here family will obviously wanting to brush it under the carpet. I wonder if they would act the same if it was the other way round.

Stop being a push over.

Do you genuinely not see it as a big red wavey flag that he took photos to use as evidence later? No? You can't see that escalating into any other catalogue of evidence? To 'prove' his rightfulness and her wrongness?

Good.
I'd rather be wrong than right.

Just weirds me the fuck out.

If my bf thought I was behaving inappropriately, and had a catalogue of events of my 'crimes' (including photos) that he was biding his time to use against me to prove he was right and I was wrong, (especially in some bonkers street incident that I have probably forgotten about totally, bearing in mind that it happened with a total stranger who was asking directions) I'd rather he just ended it. It's the whole creepyness of apparently fully believing she is a flirty shagaliciius bitch, but still feeling he needs to point it out to her and continue to point out the error of her ways for the sake of the poor son. And continue the relationship. Why? He thinks she wants shag around, or at least flirt with other men? What could possibly be keeping him there?

It's like his ego can't accept that he is right until she agrees with him. And not just her, but all of the members of her extended family need to admit she is out of order, and that he is innocent, and was right to cause a scene too.

Freaky.

If she'd held hands with a little old lady that asked for directions in the street (probably an overly-effusive thanker, or a flirty Aussie good looking tourist who acts like that with every young lady he meets) the op wouldn't have clocked it. He's mentally calculating her interactions with men. Young good looking men.

You don't see that as controlling and likely to continue?

Good. Again, I hope you're right.

I have zero interest in arguing with women on an anonymous Internet forum. But if some dude who thinks taking pictures of women to prove his righteousness turns up, I'll point out that what he is doing is not ok.

We are all different.

I happen to think it's creepy as fuck, and am boggled that everyone is shining his ego for him (which is exactly what I think he wanted - getting a lot of women to agree with him so that he is all puffed up and can go reproach her some more).

Oh, it wouldn't be weeks, boney. It'd be years. But you can all rest easy knowing you had a hand in it.

Tarty bitch, what was she thinking? She deserves everything she gets, op. You are totes right to keep on snapping happy snaps of her terrible behaviour and pointing out the error of her many many ways. Right on. Like I said earlier, my pants will barely stay up.

Anyhoo, I'll take my over-active imagination elsewhere, the op will be happy that I have been sent of with my tail between my legs and will continue with his legitimization of his unacceptable behaviour. Good luck with your catalogue op. You'll find some handy hints about movement activated webcams if you do an advanced search. It might be helpful in the future for more evidence.

madwoman

I can read "reg flags" in to the behaviour of the gf, I can see red "flags" in the behaviour of the OP.

But what you have is an opinion, it is not fact, you are posting extended versions of what the OP has posted and putting it forward as factual, as if you have seen it first hand.

I don't know if the OP is posting the truth, I know that like everyone that posts on here he is posting his version of the truth.

And the the long and the short of it on here (from what I can see) is that they should split up.

That's exactly what I was doing - offering a different perspective on the op's story. Not offering any of it as fact.
And suggesting that the very few 'facts' available (given that he can't remember as he was so drunk) probably shouldn't be taken as facts at all.
Other than the photos. And the bizarre directions hand-holding. And the poor behaviour at the party (his, not hers).

What red flags in the behaviour of the gf? The fact he says she was smoochy dancing with a good looking well built Aussie? (whose gf was there and dancing with them as well?)

And the fact that apparently she held the hand of a stranger in the street?

Very worrying. I think it says more about the op. but there are many other possibilities. All of which make me wonder why the op is bothering to take photos etc and not just sadly making his way off into the sunset to find someone worthy of him...

It is not unreasonable for the OP to have taken photos as evidence IF in the past his gf has refused to acknowledge his feelings or talk through it when he has had a previous 'jealous fit'. If a woman came on here saying her partner gaslights and she took photos of him with another woman she would most likely get sympathy for having been so traumatised by her relationship that she is resorting to these measures.

Also everyone on here saying the family didn't say anything - well that doesn't prove anything. Many families would rather turn a blind eye than take their daughter's/sisters partner's side. Especially if the relationship is already volatile.

OP - as a voice of reason: either your gf was behaving badly and inappropriately dancing in which case serious issues and boundaries need to be resolved btwn the two of you. Or she was behaving fine and you did not handle both the situation and your emotions appropriately. In which case again serious issues need to be resolved.

madwoman you are pretty nasty. No need for it. As much venom as you are spewing out at the op - you really have no proof of whether he is right or wrong. And even if he is wrong it is inappropriate for you to be so nasty about it. But I guess venting your anger at a stranger through a very impersonal forum is very easy. MN has become a tough place bcos of people's lack of awareness that they are actually typing to real people at the other end.

The gf is a real person too. The one having photos taken of her.
And as she isn't here to put her side of the story, I thought it was worth pointing out that it might be veeeeeeeery different.

Anyone who resorts to taking photos of their partner to prove they are wrong and s/he is right should really just accept it's over and back out gracefully. Whether man, woman or goldfish.

And I'm quite content with being 'nasty' if it means the op catches on to himself, deletes the photos and backs out.

No good can come of this relationship while he believes (erroneously or otherwise) that his gf is flirting brazenly with other men. Whatever the 'truth' of the story, the moment he whipped out his phone to get his happy snaps and prove himself 'right', the relationship was over.

All the angst about whether she was dtd with the sexy sb is utterly irrelevant.

If you ain't got trust, ya got nothing worth proving you are right over.

madwoman

In all of your scenarios you have felt the need to add to the narrative supplied by the OP. Is there really a need to? shouldn't your opinion be able to stand on its own merits with supporting information supplied by the OP.

Is taking pictures any worse than the often posted "go through his phone" on other threads?

You ask what "red flags" from the gf, how about denying that it ever happened? If she has form for denying things happen then taking pictures to prove it would be trying to prove that the OP is being gaslighted.

How about the OP believing "everything she tells me even against my own internal feelings."? Or does go with your gut feeling only work with women?

The OP having to constantly apologise days after the event?

Or the OP's gf continually talking about the stepbrother even though it upsets the OP?

None of these show someone who particularly cares about there partner/bf.

I notice that you keep forgetting about the OP's flirting with his friend at a party.

As for why he stays, it could be the same reason why some people stay in abusive relationships, it could be because he wants to make the relationship work, it could be because he doesn't want to upset the gf's DS that he has had a role in raising. Or any other different options