Girlfriend danced with "step brother" on a night out....

[stepdad85]

To cut a long story short I'm looking for some opinions on something that happened recently that is really bothering me.

On Christmas day at my girlfriends family's house they had a surprise visit from her mams new husbands sons, they both flew over from Australia. I've been with my girlfriend nearly two years and up until then didn't even know they existed. Both of them are pretty good looking, well built lads. My girlfriend was so exited to see one of them in particular it raised a bit of a weird feeling for me, I guess jealousy is the word I'm looking for. This lad is not blood related and she mentioned him a good few times over the next few days. I never showed her I was feeling jealous, at the time I thought it was unwarranted and down to my insecurities.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and we got an invite to the lads leaving party as they're going back to Australia shortly. We spend the night in a social club drinking and head to a busy bar/club at the end of the night. My girlfriend is their, along with her mam, her "stepdad" and his sons and each of the sons girlfriends.

By the end of the night my girlfriend and the lad I had a funny feeling about (her step brother) were on the dance floor together, holding hands, his arms around her waist and on the top of her backside, she had her arms around his shoulders and neck, their faces right next to each other and to my eyes it looked wrong. This went on for about an hour, I tried on two occasions to come over and join them as I felt like a right fool standing their with her mam while she was dancing with him but she basically ignored me. I took a couple of photos of them in each others arms with the intent to show her in the morning because I knew she would say I was just being jealous and it was nothing. The lad she was dancing with could see I was getting upset and came over and said something along the lines of "she might be dancing like that with me but at least she's going home with you mate", apparently he was trying to make me feel better but it really didn't come across that way to me at the time.

Foolishly I ended up talking about this with her on the night and because of my drunken state I didn't put this across in the manner I would have liked. She is now super angry at me for being "disgusting" for suggesting something was going on. She states she cares about him like a brother and they were just having fun.

Meanwhile I've showed the photos to several people who have all said it doesn't look right and she was at very least not being very respectful to me by dancing with him like that. I've not brought it up with her again since as I know she's still mad about it all. This has really upset me, I never in a million years thought she would dance that close with someone in front of me, we always saw eye to eye on what we each found acceptable behavior while in a relationship etc, I literally couldn't believe my eyes when I saw them. Up until now I trusted her 100% and that has been spoiled because right now I can't believe her.

She was adamant I was being unreasonable and jealous but I feel like I know what I saw. I know the lads girlfriend was also out that night and I'm not sure what she made of all of this. I called the lads dad last night to apologize for causing a scene by mentioning I was unhappy about it and he replied by saying "you don't need to apologize I understand".

What are people's opinions on this? Am I being a jealous maniac? Am I over reacting? Is she hiding something from me about this? Or should I just drop it?

Would you consider that a normal way to dance with a distant family member? Personally I would never dance with my mams partners daughter like that. I'm so shocked about the whole thing and I really hope it's just me being daft and over exaggerating things. I still have the photos and I'm unsure if I should show them to my girlfriend so she can see what it looked like to me. If I'm wrong about it she's going to be very upset I don't trust her but I just can't internalize how she felt comfortable doing that in front of me.

It seems weird that he supported her through these hard times but she never told you he existed.

Regardless of whether they are related it was really disrespectful of them to behave like that in front of you.

I'm not sure what the truth would be though. She might find her step brother attractive but because he's her step brother not be able to reconcile that as fancying him because that would be a step too far or over a line for her. Which could also mean she's allowed herself to dance like that with him because why would it not be ok? There could never be anything going on?

To her, she could have told you the truth as she sees it.

That doesn't negate a need for a conversation about boundaries and how uncomfortable you felt. It also wouldn't be unreasonable if you felt she'd overstepped and you couldn't forgive that. Just be prepared for the fact that she may not see it that way.

not only is she behaving badly, she is making out YOU are the wrong one here for registering a reasonable complaint!

exit this with your dignity intact

Ugh, she sound awful.

Dump and run dude.

It sounds to me like there is a bit of a spark there, probably kept under control by the fact that they are step siblings. She's using the step brother thing as an excuse to get away with what sounds to be inappropriate behaviour. She wouldn't have done it with anyone else in front of you, yet you don't dance like that with a relative.

I don't think you are over reacting. I would show her the photos and tell her how you feel. Her 'explanation' really has no bearing on how it made you feel.

If she doesn't 'know' him then it sounds very much like she was very attracted to him, hence the dancing. However she knows he's back in Aus so nothing would or could happen.

She's trying to make it all your fault because she knows she was in the wrong.

Does anyone think their's any possibility at all that she could be telling the truth?

That she was close to him in a non romantic way and has missed him and was just drunk/exited hence the cuddling dancing etc?

I believed her right up until I started writing this on here, after putting it in words I realized how ridiculous it sounds. I especially can't get what he said to me out of my head. Why on earth would he have said that, surely if they are just close in a non romantic way he would have tried to re assure me nothing was going on, instead of saying "your the one taking her home". Am I right in thinking that sounds like him saying "yes we fancy each other but it cant ever happen between us and you're the one who gets her at the end of the night".

I might give it a few days until everything has calmed down and show her the photos and tell her I want the truth

But how could you possibly know whether what you're told is the truth?

You've already mentioned that you "always believe everything she tells me even against my own internal feelings" which seems to make any real insight into what's going on unlikely. Is she really worth sticking with, if you're just going to face a future plagued with doubt?

She is mindfucking you.

No blood tie and he was "there for her", along with the dancing, the father's reaction. Maybe I'm reading between the lines too much but she lacks respect for you.

How are you going to feel next time, or the time afterwards, or the....... This will reoccur, even more so with the distance and thus meetings being irregular and time apart.

Her kid is not a reason to stay either, as mentioned you can sort contact if you really wanted to.

As others said, how would she feel about you cavorting with another woman like that? To do it in front of your face too... Trust your gut, AND your gut told you to get pictures too. Your instincts seem spot on.

If this was a stand alone thread, I would totally agree with other posters, but there has been lots of other problems in your relationship OP. I remember the Halloween thread well, I don't think I was the only poster who felt suffocated by your neediness. You're a bit like a dog with a bone when you get going.

I can't see how you two are suited at all really, it's just a shame there's a small child involved.

I think you could be right. There may well be a mutual attraction there that they have chosen to "ignore". That does not mean that anything would ever happen. But who knows?

They obviously have a history as step siblings. But it sounds like they became step siblings as teens which can be a very tricky time. He lives thousands of miles away and both of them are attached. Your description of her made her sound really young. I wonder if seeing him again makes her remember her carefree, child free days. Maybe for her, he is "The One That Got Away". He may or may not feel the same.

Whatever is going on in her head, you cant know until she chooses to talk about it. If all is well in the relationship apart from this, then I would suggest you leave this one for a little while. Let the dust settle, get back into normal but then open up the conversation again. If she is defensive and not willing to discuss, then you probably have your answer.

All relationships go through ups and downs. But if she is hankering after this other fella, then you don't want to be the second choice. The one she has settled for because you are dependable, good with her son, a good provider, Mr nice guy, etc etc. Does any of that sound familiar?

I think cases like this is down to interpuation and its easy for strangers who didn't witness the event to tell you to get rid of her. I would seek council in those who witness your relationship on a daily basis.

She's playing you for a fool OP, highly inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to you - she obviously was loving the attention from the SB and no I don't think an innocent man would have then remarked that you got to take her home!

Pair of twats really, in front of family, oh the embarrassment.

Back to you, you need to make sure that she knows you are the injured party not her, she's putting the blame on you to free herself, it's pretty selfish behaviour really, is this how things are resolved, you complain, she blames you, you apologise - I mean, toughen up OP, why the hell are you saying sorry!

It doesnt really make sense to me the more i think about it. If it was as bad as you say it was, and there is photo evidence to back this up. How come it only seems to be you who has raised this as an issue?

Surely for a family gathering, they would have held back to more secrecy...not just because of you, but the brothers girlfriend. Most importantly though, for the family!

I would expect more people to be having words with her, and him about their actions.

Does anyone think their's any possibility at all that she could be telling the truth?

That she was close to him in a non romantic way and has missed him and was just drunk/exited hence the cuddling dancing etc?

No. Sorry.

You clearly want to believe it, and you can if you want. You can continue with this relationship for as long as your gf does.

But is it making you happy? When was the last time you felt like it was really working?

Even just the fact she made you feel you needed to apologise and said she was going to end the relationship over 'the way you behaved' sends massive doubt about it all. Anyone who was completely innocent would have said ''I didn't realise it bothered you, sorry I won't do that again''

You have nothing to be sorry for, and you are in no way over reacting. I say show her the photo tell her honestly how it made you feel and if she hits the roof and makes out its all you, you should really reevaluate the relationship. If this was the other way around and a bloke was doing that to a woman people would call out the whole ''emotional abuse'' card. Don't let her make you feel sorry for the way you feel. And always trust your instincts xx

The thing is op, not one single person on this thread, thought her behaviour was acceptable. You can doubt yourself all you want and kid yourself that" your gf would never lie to you" but the fact remains you know what she did. You felt it was totally inappropriate, the reason she acted the way she did was because you called her up on it, she was ashamed you realised what was going on and to deflect blame from herself choose to fire the blame on you. She obviously did a good job as you ended up apologising to her.
You have a lot to learn.
I'll say it again, stop doubting yourself and do the right thing for yourself

Was it the Hemsworths? Cos she might get pass if it was Thor!

That's exactly how I read the step brothers comment sorry stepdad, I think there I history there, you need to find someone exclusive to you, by all means stay in the childs life, says a lot about you actually. She's mugged herself off in my opinion.

She is feeling guilty and turning it on you.

I know you care for her DC however I think it is better if you leave the relationship and him now rather than later.

Thanks for all the input everyone.

We have had problems for the last few months, most of it stemming from her feeling like I'm not doing enough around the house or with her child, meanwhile I feel like I literally never stop and feel like nothing I do is good enough.

We have a problem communicating as both of us are pretty bad at taking criticism and the resentment between us builds and results in passive aggressive behaviors. We did exchange a few words about the whole "step brother" thing last night but agreed to save it until we have more time together this weekend. Neither of us want to end up arguing again, we're exhausted.

She did mention a few things tho, she said shes upset I don't trust her, that she's never gave me a reason not to trust her and that there genuinely was nothing going on. She says the lads girlfriend was on the dance floor with them for the majority of the time dancing with them, she also said they were never alone together on the dance floor, there was always someone else with them, joining in etc. She said I've seen what I wanted to see and because of being so highly jealous I've took it the wrong way.

Frustratingly I was so drunk my memory of the night has faded, I do still have the pictures tho and I still know what the "step brother" said to me.

I'm going to show her the pictures and possibly this thread, depending on her reaction. I've worked out word for word what I'm going to say to her thanks to the input from this forum.

I think the Step brother was humouring you, and you don't remember exactly what he said anyway because you were drunk.

A previous poster said that no one else on this thread thought her behaviour was acceptable, which isn't entirely true. One or two of us think that your rather drunken interpretation of her behaviour could be the problem.

No one else but you is bothered about any of it, including the Step brother's girlfriend. I think you understand yourself quite well OP, and you know you have a tendency to look for problems and dwell on them rather more than you should.

im not saying it was right what she did, but you say you were really drunk, she was probably drunk, the step brother was probably drunk....a lot of drunk people fooling around....maybe they are/were close, but they cant be that close if he lives in australia and has gone back there now... show her the pictures, say you have every reason to be upset and then forget it....i think people make/do stupid things when drunk....if she disapppeared with him for hours or was off meeting him when he was in the UK then you would have something to worry about, but a bit of drunken sexy dancing at a family party....just forget it!

Oh dear. She has the hots for her hot Aussie step-brother. This is the bottom line. This went on for about an hour?? Lovey, she is just waiting for a better option to come along. I would definitely end this realtionship. She may or may not allow you access to her DD. I know that no contact would be very very hurtful but you CANNOT let this go. Find a woman who wants to be with you, because they think you're the bees knees. She is out there.

No, I couldn't "just forget" sexy dancing right in front of me. It says everything about her lack of respect for her partner. being drunk is no excuse. I've been very,very drunk and still would never smooch with another man, even when DH isn't there.