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Original poster

Kinky erm things

116 replies

CuriouslyClara · 08/01/2016 20:45

So it's a Friday and I've had a glass of Wine or three

I've recently started a new relationship and we've both been having been pretty "vanilla" sex so far. This is my first relationship (I'm quite young)

Anyway, I'd really like to start experimenting with certain things I'm a prude about this stuff!! like him being dominant and I guess spanking which I've always wanted to try

I'm going to have to be tipsy to do it but just wondering how I can (a) tell him that I want to do this; (b) how to do it?! I don't think he's had that much experience in this domain so I want it to be good for both of us. Do we act out a scenario? Do I pretend to be a (cringeeee) "naughty girl"? What works for most people? How do we get started?!

I'm not a journo, just a clueless poster looking for some well-meaning advice!! Flowers

OP posts:
0phelia · 10/01/2016 09:48

*bdsm

0phelia · 10/01/2016 09:48

*thinking this way
Gah

Offred · 10/01/2016 10:08

You don't think directing someone who had never done any BDSM before to fifty shades could give them a very wrong and dangerous impression of what it is?

Offred · 10/01/2016 10:10

I also don't see why anyone would be so opposed to the idea of checking someone out before you open that door or actually talking things through before you do them...

Offred · 10/01/2016 10:11

Female subs trying things out for the first time are as vulnerable to misunderstanding as they are to dangerous abusers IMO.

Offred · 10/01/2016 10:18

And I would like to point out this is a recently started first relationship for the OP... As I have several times before. This is not someone who is experienced with relationships or someone who has been with a partner for a while and knows them really well.

frikadela01 · 10/01/2016 10:36

I never for a second thought my gentle, caring kind dp would be willing to tie me up and order me about until I brought it up... turns out he was more into than I was and came up with loads of new ideas which we explored together... my point is that just because op only wants light spanking doesn't mean that her OH would only stop at that. She could be opening a can of worms that involve alsorts of wierd and wonderful acts he's thought about. Without an initial discussion how can he know that her suggesting light spanking is as far as she wants to go. And fueled by alcohol just brings danger to the equation in my opinion.
OH cold assume that if she likes light spanking maybe she's into a bit of hair pulling, a bit of rough holding her down, maybe she likes some harsh words said to her. These by no means make him an abuser but are not necessarily what the op wants and lowered inhibitions by drinking could mean things go slightly further than op wants. Hence the need for serious discussion. Especially as Offred rightly points out, this is a fairly new relationship where a strong foundation of trust hasn't necessarily been built.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2016 10:51

For clarification - I did not direct the OP to direct her bloke to read 50 Shades - I quite agree that it's crap. My point was that the existence of 50 Shades has made it easier to introduce BDSM as a conversastion topic, because everyone's heard of it, whether they love it, hate it or have no interest in reading it.

Offred · 10/01/2016 11:21

But it is about abuse. It is not about BDSM...

Offred · 10/01/2016 11:23

And that's a cop out anyway. You suggested she ask him what he thought about the film/book/fuss. If he hasn't seen/read it the first thing he would do is watch/read it and get a hugely incorrect impression of what the op wants and what BDSM is...

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/01/2016 13:44

The thing to take IMO in BDSM relationships is that to start with they are no romantic or spontaneous, Both adults need to be able to sit down and discuss what they want how they want it and what their boundaries are, things like safe words/noises etc. have to be covered and you have to be able to trust your partner not to do things outside of your boundaries.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2016 13:58

I don't think that's necessarily the case, offred. 50 shades has had enough popularity that most people know it's 'a novel about bdsm and spanking'. Just because it's not, it doesn't mean that isn't what people think! I think it would be okay as a discussion point. I don't think he's likely to go out and read it. If anything, he'd ask OP to show him the bits of it that she likes. But honestly, I read a lot and I've never read anything just because some ody has asked me what I thought about ti.

pocketsaviour · 10/01/2016 14:13

The fact that 50 Shades of Shite includes a scene where the sub safe-words, and then the dom emotionally blackmails her for using a safe-word instead of "trusting" him, making out she's massively let him down and manipulating her into then agreeing to a harder scene than she wants to do, is immediate grounds for setting fire to this "book".

Not to mention the whole "He's kinky because he was sexually abused as a child, but if you submit to his abuse love him enough he'll turn into a "normal" person" schtick.

OP, my advice would be to keep it light-hearted, but cover the basics before you bare your arse. EG tell him to just use his hand, tell him to start off fairly light and you'll let him know to go harder or faster (so pretty much like PIV sex!) and of course you need to trust utterly that if you say "stop", he will.

The links some other PPs gave were brilliant and Offred's posts on this thread have been awesome.

Offred · 10/01/2016 15:03

I think if you knew nothing about BDSM and your girlfriend suggested it by indirectly mentioning fifty shades in order to avoid properly talking about it because she wasn't comfortable explaining what she meant then I think you almost certainly would read/watch it to get an idea of what she meant.

It would be the wrong idea and has potential to be really, really bad.

There is no way around having an honest, clear and sober discussion IMO. Suggesting ways to avoid that aren't likely to be helpful IMO and suggesting fifty shades has the potential to make things go very wrong...

Offred · 10/01/2016 15:06

And it sounds really, really unsexy but it doesn't have to be.

Practicing talking about it will make you feel more relaxed talking about it and sex generally. It will feel awkward to start. It can be super exciting, talking about it, once you get used to it.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2016 23:26

Look, OP may be young, but she's an adult. She's had sex with this man, so she's felt comfortable enough with him to do so. If he is, actually, a nasty abusive arsehole he's going to be a nasty abusive arsehole whether or not she presents him with a reading list and discussion topics before they try any other kinds of sex.

As to 50 Shades, you would really have to have been living a cave for the past three years not to know that it's a set of books/films about 'kinky sex'. You don't have to have read/watched it to have some sort of opinion about it, whether your opinion is 'It's abuse dressed up as BDSM' or 'It's crappy chicklit' or 'Mmm, really turns me on' or 'I'm not into all that kinkyfuckery, thanks'. As a starting point for a conversation about kinky sex, the 50 Shades phenomenon is useful.

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