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Original poster

Kinky erm things

116 replies

CuriouslyClara · 08/01/2016 20:45

So it's a Friday and I've had a glass of Wine or three

I've recently started a new relationship and we've both been having been pretty "vanilla" sex so far. This is my first relationship (I'm quite young)

Anyway, I'd really like to start experimenting with certain things I'm a prude about this stuff!! like him being dominant and I guess spanking which I've always wanted to try

I'm going to have to be tipsy to do it but just wondering how I can (a) tell him that I want to do this; (b) how to do it?! I don't think he's had that much experience in this domain so I want it to be good for both of us. Do we act out a scenario? Do I pretend to be a (cringeeee) "naughty girl"? What works for most people? How do we get started?!

I'm not a journo, just a clueless poster looking for some well-meaning advice!! Flowers

OP posts:
frikadela01 · 09/01/2016 22:31

Very true futureme... pain wasn't really something I was interested in it was more the submissive role and being dominated but dp wanted to try it so we did... turns out I bloody love it the harder the better

Original poster
CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 22:45

Ooh okay that's good to know Grin

As a random/quick straw poll would you say your dp prefers being dominant or vice versa? I realise that I'm prob going to have a very biased selection of answers based on the content of this thread but as this is the first time I have "spoken" about my ahem kinky side, it would be interesting to see what you lot think!

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 09/01/2016 22:47

A spanking is still a desire to want to meld pleasure with pain (although pretty low down on the BDSM scale, it's still ther AFAIC). When you are going down this route you need to make sure that you both talk, talk, talk about it. What your expectations are, where your boundaries lie, how he feels - it's hard to be a Dom I think, I'm not that way, in fact I'm completely the other way so if someone wanted me to dominate them in the bedroom I just wouldn't be able to do it. The idea of a sexual partner giving me a paddle and a wink makes me actually cringe.

Discussion is key here for you OP.

(Brilliant posts from Offred on this thread)

Original poster
CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 22:57

Thank you TonySopranos - completely agree, on all counts! Smile

Incidentally, i could also never be a dom I don't think. I know that probably sounds hypocritical given I would like my partner to do that to me, but I would cringe as well if I was asked to dominate someone. I just wouldn't fancy them, it would kill the mood for me Blush

I'm scared of telling him my fantasies and him either being disgusted/horrified; point blank refusing; or bringing his own fantasies to the table, which I don't like, thereby opening up a whole can of worms

OP posts:
frikadela01 · 09/01/2016 23:09

In my opinion if you're in a good stable relationship that's based on trust then most fantasies can be worked on to some extent. Both me and my dp have some quite extreme fantasies that are just a no go for either of us. We've discussed them and have both decided that they will never happen. However other fantasies that we sort of incorporate bits of. So for example my dp loves the idea of watching me with other men... not bloody happening so instead he just asks me.in the middle of sex how many men I want to sleep withetc etc (I won't go into it but it generally involves lots of callING me not nice names) he gets a bit of what he wants and I get a bit of why I want.

I feel like I haven't explained it well but I just think if you want to put yours on the table let him put his and see if you can work with it. You never know you might be into the same thing. Or he gives you ideas tou haven't thought of.

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:12

Don't be daft. You prefer to Sub, and that's you.

You're exploring a desire to be dominated, whilst your preferred Dom will be wholly that. Dominant.

No hypocrisy there!

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:13

Seriously, I have never known a man to turn down a request to be spanked. You shouldn't worry.

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:16

You're worried about your partner bringing new fantasies to the table that you haven't thought about. Well you shouldn't worry about this as such.
Whatever he brings to the table is a new opportunity. You don't have to agree to anything, it opens discussion.

Offred · 09/01/2016 23:17

Current partner is extremely submissive.

Have had relationships where no BDSM has been involved. Have mostly had submissives where there has been.

I think the thing to remember is the aim of any sexual stuff is intimacy. Sharing fantasies builds intimacy, having a go at acting out fantasies builds intimacy. You should never feel pressured to act out another person's fantasies.

Original poster
CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 23:20

Thanks! But what if he wants to be dominated? I can't expect him to fulfil my request and then turn his down

OP posts:
TheStoic · 09/01/2016 23:20

IME there's nothing more intimate than being able to share your fantasies with a partner, and have them accepted.

They don't have to share them, or even like them, let alone want to try them. But to be vulnerable like that with a partner, and them with you, is incredibly liberating.

Some couples have never discussed their fantasies, and never will. Ironically, the longer a couple is together, the more difficult those conversations get. Once you have accepted a 'role' or way of behaving as part of a couple, the less you want to say or do anything that may shock your partner.

In other words, there is no better time than now to discuss these things. If you scare him off, or he freaks you out...this is something you need to know sooner rather than later. Unless you want to live without exploring that side of you, which (sadly) many, many people do.

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:22

Personally, I sub.

I do not get turned on by the idea of degrading my Dom in any way.

In a new relationship, I have always used spanking to lay the foundations.
If things fall dead in the water or blossom it is clear fairly early on.

Original poster
CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 23:24

I agree about sharing fantasies being intimate and hopefully bringing a couple closer together

Plus he obviously isn't completely appalled by the idea given the encounter I mentioned upthread (him telling me about a couple engaging in some spanking action, and finding it hilarious)?! I'm not sure whether to take that as a subtle hint or not!

OP posts:
0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:24

What if he wants to be dominated?
Well, you'll need to say "No, sorry".

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:25

X posting galore here...

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:28

It is highly unlikely he will ask you to spank him.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2016 23:35

Yes you can turn his request down. Just like he can turn yours down if he's freaked out by it. Please remember that whatever he does "for you" you don't "owe" him anything back except communication - keep talking and letting him know what's good for you, what doesn't work for you, etc. It doesn't sound like you're interested in anything particularly hardcore, so it's likely he'll be up for trying - it probably will be a little bit awkward and giggly the first time but that can be FUN! Honestly, just enjoy the silliness of the whole situation, because sex can be extremely silly, and it's way better if you can actually be relaxed and laugh about it together rather than feeling crushed and wanting to crawl away. If you're not ready for that and you feel too self conscious then it might be better to shelve the whole thing for a while until you're more confident in the bedroom anyway. Master communicating about basic sex before anything more advanced comes into play.

I wouldn't recommend watching porn or going on a load of fetish websites. Just try things out without worrying about what is the "right way" or the normal way. Talk - say what worked for you and what didn't. Talk about things you'd like to do. Drop hints and see how he responds. I don't like 50sog because I also think it depicts an abusive relationship, but most people don't have that perception, so if you want to introduce the topic of spanking by mentioning the book I don't think that is a terrible idea.

If you know 100% that something won't work for you and you feel repulsed by the idea, then you definitely don't have to try it, even if he wants to. But if you feel more neutral or just don't feel interested but don't feel particularly against it, then it might be worth a try to see if you like it or not. Just make sure to KEEP TALKING - key point here! And let him know if you liked it or not. Don't lie to make him happy. Don't be afraid to stop him halfway through if something isn't working for you, even if you wanted to try it.

This is only your first guy - you might not even be together forever, so have fun exploring, that's what first relationships are all about. And be safe!

0phelia · 09/01/2016 23:42

What are your plans OP?

Offred · 10/01/2016 00:02

Agree.

If he shares fantasies with you you are under no pressure to act them out if you don't want to and vice versa.

I enjoy BDSM stuff but I don't need it and I'm not fixated on any particular act or scenario. There are people who are but IMO, whether it is being fixated on a particular position or something as dramatic as needing to be strangled to orgasm, I think those people are not sexually healthy... Sex has become about sex acts and not about the intimacy in a reciprocal relationship.

No-one should pressure you to have sex of any kind that you don't want and you shouldn't feel obligated to either just because fantasies have been shared.

Neither of you should.

Pannacott · 10/01/2016 00:20

I think it's just anxiety talking, it is so tantalising and exciting to think you are going to go down this (long awaited by the sounds of it) path, and your brain is just coming up with ways to screw you, the worst possible outcomes 'urgh that's disgusting' 'no spank me instead!' It's possible you'd get those, but it's a risk you have to take. You want to try this out don't you, so you have to talk to him about it. It may be disappointing, or fantastic. Most likely somewhere in between. I will say it can take a while of talking to fine tune things so that you get the best compatibility of each of your preferences, as PPs have said.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2016 00:41

Oh FFS. The OP wants to try spanking, not hardcore breathplay or elaborate suspension bondage, where you do have to have your wits about you. Spanking is no more dangerous than fucking, and it certainly doesn't need any more in the way of trust, communication, intimacy and all the rest of the excess baggage than a bunk up in the pub toilets does.

Don't make too much of a big deal of it, OP. Give it a go.If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. If it'sfabulous and you want to do more stuff, take it from there. Good luck.

Alabamaslammer · 10/01/2016 00:52

As another poster said, it's certainly been my experience that the longer a relationship has existed without discussion, the harder it becomes to bring it up. I don't know what that says about the relationship but it has been true ime.

I recently experimented with very very light bdsm with a guy, without giving too much detail it started when he grabbed my hands to stop me pleasuring him because he wanted to focus on me. He didn't grab them hard or hurt me but my reaction must have been enough to show I liked it. We then explored some more about what might be fun during a few sexting sessions.

We've never had a safe word or anything which is maybe a bad thing but a couple of times when I've reacted in a way he can't interpret he's immediately stopped and checked with me - nothing hardcore at all, hair pulling, restrained by his hands, bit of spanking.

From the perspective of someone who is not 'into' bdsm and had never tried anything before I think you can find a happy medium between communicating and wanted to be ravished Wink and I think sexting is a good way to start. That's advice from a layperson, if you like, I'd certainly listen more closely to those with experience if they disagree.

HermioneWeasley · 10/01/2016 08:17

I'm with SGB - it's a bit of light, open palmed spanking. He's not working her over with a cat.

Just go for it.

Pro tip - if you do move on to activities that might require a safe word, avoid "more please" and "keep going"

Offred · 10/01/2016 09:27

It's not so important that it is "just" spanking. It's someone wanting to cross the boundary into consensual (light) BDSM for the first time in their first relationship...

It would be highly unwise to 'just go for it' given the number of men who use domination as a cover for abuse and the number of women who are raised to tolerate that.

The op wants it to be just light spanking, without communication how is that to be clear?

Plus earlier you gave the incredibly poor advice that she should direct him to fifty shades, SGB, which is pretty much a handbook on abusing a vulnerable women by using 'BDSM' as a cover story.

0phelia · 10/01/2016 09:46

Hahaha so OP's DP is now going to turn into an abuser because he's read 59sog!

These sorts of comments are not helpful. We're trying to help someone introduce spanking into their sex life, not scare them off it forever!

If anyone is going to use BDDM as a cover for abuse, I think they will be the one to introduce it in the first place and thinking this was verges on neurotic anyway!

It's a bit of light spanking. Just ask him.