Kinky erm things

[CuriouslyClara]

So it's a Friday and I've had a glass of or three

I've recently started a new relationship and we've both been having been pretty "vanilla" sex so far. This is my first relationship (I'm quite young)

Anyway, I'd really like to start experimenting with certain things I'm a prude about this stuff!! like him being dominant and I guess spanking which I've always wanted to try

I'm going to have to be tipsy to do it but just wondering how I can (a) tell him that I want to do this; (b) how to do it?! I don't think he's had that much experience in this domain so I want it to be good for both of us. Do we act out a scenario? Do I pretend to be a (cringeeee) "naughty girl"? What works for most people? How do we get started?!

I'm not a journo, just a clueless poster looking for some well-meaning advice!!

I really want him to get in the mood of it too, it's just such a hard one - if we get it right, it will be amazing, if we get it wrong, I probably won't want to try it again

Another good thing about waiting, is you can get over this attitude!
Don't be so black and white otherwise you'll be disappointed when this (and other things you try!) don't work for you, and you'll be too scared to try again when they don't.

It's not like that, so either or.

You can try something, end up in fits of giggles, then another time hit the moment perfectly.

A long time ago I had a boyfriend who liked watersports. We talked it up a few times, he liked that. First time I went to actually pee on him I fell about laughing and said this is ridiculous! Because we loved each other and were comfortable, it didn't matter. A couple of months later, I pulled it off

In my opinion, that's when you're ready to try stuff - when you're comfortable enough to know that it won't be awkward (for more than a second, anyway!) even if it doesn't go to plan.

I don't know, sometimes its easier in a new relationship where you are not too invested emotionally. Sometimes its better to wait. Who knows what the other person's response is going to be. I found it easier when I was younger to raise the subject in a new relationship, when it was just fun. It became more difficult for me when I met a guy I wanted to be with for the LT. I always felt/still do that many men think that its some sort of judgement on their ability/prowess for a woman to suggest something, especially if its a bit kinky.

Don't expect it to be amazing if its all new to both of you. It may even feel a little ridiculous to start with

You could buy 50 shades (of shit) and leave that on the side and wait for him to comment. Or tell him what you are reading and read a bit to him. If he's curious about why you are reading it, curious about kink he can ask.

I agree with Mini that not all men are into spanking - or even most, in my experience.

I think it's a bit of a go-to first kink, but if your boyfriend isn't interest don't take it personally or think he's dull!

I'm quite approachable sexually for my partners - I think, certainly I've had plenty of requests - but never spanking. Although I think I may give off a vibe that if anyone tried to chastise me for being naughty I'd tell them to fuck right off

Have a look for a book called "When someone you love is kinky" which should give some ideas on how to bring this up with a new partner.

Bits of FetLife are worth reading.

www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html is also a good place to start.

Many people who do kink talk about what they do in much more explicit detail than seems to be typical for people who do mostly vanilla sex. Some of that is a culture thing, some of it is a practical thing - ie. if somebody's hitting you with any force with a hand/crop/hairbrush/cane (etc) your skin will soon become a darker colour (though bodies vary). If they keep going and particularly if they're hitting you with something which lands in a small area, your skin will bruise (again different people bruise at different intensity of play). Some people aren't OK with bruises (or scratches or other marks) being left afterwards. Because of the way bodies react to pain during play, you might not notice you're being hit hard enough to leave marks at the time, so it's reasonably important to discuss what sort of marks (if any) you're OK with having afterwards before you start.

It's difficult for someone to take control and do things to you that are within your limits without having some idea of the things you like (and a good idea of the things you actually don't want to do) - you might hate blindfolds, you might really like being hit on the bottom but hate being hit on the breasts.

Writing down some of the things you want to try might help you start conversation - useful phrases might along the lines of "I really like it when you....." or "I'd like to try...."

You need to have a semi frank discussion beforehand. Me and dp just felt comfortable enough to come out right and talk about it. We set the rules and boundaries and then just started incorporating role play into sex.

One piece of advice ill give you though... do not mix alcohol and experimenting with kinkier sex. I realise your inhibitions are lowered but so are his and it can make things unsafe. The only time I've ever had to say my safe word was when we had been drinking and dp didn't realise he was hurting me too much... normally he is very intuitive with our play.

From someone who is into BDSM...

If you can't talk about it or do it sober you shouldn't do it.

Also someone who is prepared to do this kind of stuff for the first time when one or both of you are drunk is not looking out for you the way they should be.

I think the problem here is that when you have a fantasy it is kind of perfect, and you can feel like you want him to 'just know' and do it right, else it is pointless. But actually, he can't just know... What you'll probably be very happily surprised by is that talking about fantasies can be incredibly hot and intimate in its own right. So talking about what you'd like, or might like, you're not sure, you feel very shy, you like the idea of him taking control, not to hurt you but to lead you - you can see that that is hot right? it's about discovering and creating something together, and the shyness and newness is part of that. Have a fantastic time!

Cabrinha said what I was going to - pick a content, snuggled up time and ask what else he's thought about, or say you wonder what it would be like if.... I find now that DH and I get more from the talking about fantasies - he has some I would never go for in reality but that's ok, it's still a safe place to share them.

I definitely agree if you can't do it sober don't do it. It's not all or nothing - start with just sharing a little and see how it feels.

Absolutely agree with the previous poster who mentioned not bringing alcohol into it.

I agree, if you're not confident to talk about it, it's probably not the right time to be doing it.

You both need to be able to be very explicit about what you're doing and to feel confident discussing boundaries etc.

If you're experienced then you can probably do this type of thing with a ONS or on a more casual basis with like minded people, but as two inexperienced people you both need to be comfortable with each other, walk before you can run.

5subject - yeah that's what I'm intending to do but it's just an awkward subject for me to broach. Also I'm really scared about what he'll say. What if he has weird fantasies confused Or his is to be the submissive partner?! I know this sounds crazy but I wouldn't be able to do that for him.

Wouldn't you prefer to know all this as soon as possible?

I disagree that asking things like 'Is this too hard?' etc makes it awkward. That's part of the fun, and you should always be checking in with each other.

On that subject, I did read this today, which made me laugh (hopefully the link works!)

www.theonion.com/article/description-of-sexual-fantasy-changing-with-girlfr-2282?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default

I'd disagree about the need to be sober to start these conversations. I'm not sure why that should be... But I think not being very drunk is a good idea as it can be hard to communicate in that state, and it makes lots of sense to not be drunk when you move onto actually trying things out.

TheStoic makes a good point about asking is it hard enough doesn't make it awkward.
Me and dp have been to a couple of munches (an informal gathering of like minded kinky types) and the general consensus is if you haven't pissed yourself laughing while in some sort awkward bondage spanking situation then you aren't doing it properly. When me and dp first started exploring the bdsm stuff we spent most of our time laughing at ourselves. It's part of the fun as long as you're both into it.

Why not bring it up in some sexting in the day before you know you're meeting up? Might make it easier when you bring it up again before you have sex as you'll kind of know his reaction already.

OK, he may not want to spank you. Not everyone is into kink at all - and those that are may be sub, dom or switch: people vary.

The (one) good thing about 50 Shades is that it is a fair bit easier to start a conversation about kink now everyone knows about the book and its themes. You can ask him what he thought about the film/book/all the fuss about it and see how he reacts. If he's interested-but-inexperienced, then more online explanation and perhaps a book or two will help. There's also (depending where you live) the possibility of going along to one of the kink/fetish markets and learning more - these are even more low-key than munches, but good for getting information.

Oh, and don't be too put off by the po-faced never-mix-kink-withdrink people - I've been doing BDSM after a few pints for about 30 years now and have never hurt anyone in a way they didn't thoroughly enjoy.

I'm sorry solidgold I'd hardly call it po faced.... I've yet to come across a single reliable resource around bdsm that promote mixing alcohol and play. You may be able to get away with it like you said you've been at it 30 years and have a lot of experience. In fact I've been to several play parties where play is not allowed if you've been drinking.

Some great points here, thank you all v much!

The one thing that makes me wonder if he's slightly interested is on our first few dates, we were watching a film at his and could hear his neighbours moving about. He mentioned how he had been woken up by next door having erm an "enthusiastic session" involving spanking action, and we had a giggle but I was actually quite awkward about it as didn't know what to say! He was laughing about it...

I also am not super keen on joining the BDSM community really (much as I appreciate the suggestions and advice ) as I'm not sure how committed to/interested I am in that side of things.

It's mainly just a spanking fantasy! For years I thought I'd never be brave enough to try it and of course I might hate it/he might not be into it, but I'd like to give it a go. Nothing serious and hopefully a bit giggly and light-hearted. Think it's the whole contrast between pleasure and pain I like, plus I don't know, the tension of the act kind of excites me Presenting yourself to someone (albeit in a jokey way) and getting them to take control a bit. He's really mild-mannered in real life and I'd love to see if he has a caveman side to him and, well, be ravished cringe

I don't want to be heavy at all though, to those warning about having a drink before. I'm envisioning a meal out somewhere to build tension a bit (sexual tension, obvs!) and a few glasses of wine, then teasing him a bit, backing off, implying to him what I want him to do after, what's he doing to do about it etc. Just hopefully all very giggly and light.

I'll talk about it with him beforehand in a "what are your crazy fantasies" kind of way, and see what he thinks. Just take it slowly. I fucking hope he doesn't want to be spanked as that would be a huge turn-off for me! I hope that doesn't sound too selfish Is it common for men to want this, does anyone know?

No fucking way you should do anything except talk about kind when drunk.

Alcohol dulls the senses and reactions and takes away inhibitions too. You could get into problems.

Imagine that you start, you're giving out signs you're not comfortable but you're trying to continue. You're DP has been drinking too. He misses the signs and is trying to please you.

Junk is based on communication and trust. Alcohol messes with communication and both of you would struggle to trust yourselves and the other too so things get spoilt.

You can chat drunk to open the conversation but Seriously, don't ever drink and experiment.

Always the possibility he would want to be the spankee rather than the spanker

This is a very young poster in her first relationship SGB, talking about trying out some link for the first time...

If you can't talk about it sober and can't do it sober and it's your first time that is a very different situation to knowing yourself and your partner well, being comfortable with kink and having had a drink...

junk = kink

Send him this: www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html?lang=en&cc=us ?

IMO you need to be particularly careful if you are keen on trying a sub role. Careful about who you try it with and what you do. Especially given at this time it is a fantasy you have never acted on before.

Totally agree with what everyone's saying about being drunk. All I'm saying is, one or two glasses over dinner each to take the edge off. Certainly not drunk, just a bit frisky and playful. We'll have a "safe word" and it won't be anything intense, hopefully just a bit of foreplay, at least to start. I'm prepared to guide him and tell him how much, what to do, how hard. I also don't want to use restraints or anything, just ham up the whole "I've been naughty, what you gonna do about it" scenario. A few playful spanks and I'll be on my way (hopefully!)