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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kinky erm things

116 replies

CuriouslyClara · 08/01/2016 20:45

So it's a Friday and I've had a glass of or three

I've recently started a new relationship and we've both been having been pretty "vanilla" sex so far. This is my first relationship (I'm quite young)

Anyway, I'd really like to start experimenting with certain things I'm a prude about this stuff!! like him being dominant and I guess spanking which I've always wanted to try

I'm going to have to be tipsy to do it but just wondering how I can (a) tell him that I want to do this; (b) how to do it?! I don't think he's had that much experience in this domain so I want it to be good for both of us. Do we act out a scenario? Do I pretend to be a (cringeeee) "naughty girl"? What works for most people? How do we get started?!

I'm not a journo, just a clueless poster looking for some well-meaning advice!!

OP posts:

Joysmum · 09/01/2016 16:40

Bullshit. DH and I talked after drinks but only do anything new with stone cold sober.

Doing anything with drink involved is fucking dangerous and you should be ashamed.

You should be capable of talking about it, setting boundaries and reading the reactions of your partner. Alcohol dulls reactions and forms a barrier to reading your partner.

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:42

But you need to have exploredthw idea of this sober IMO. You need to be on the ball to gauge him and his suitability IMO. It is not all about whether he would be into it, it's also about whether he'd be safe to do it with. It is very easy, once you open this door with someone to get dragged into a 'well I told him x was ok so it's ok for him to do y even though I didn't like it'

hollinhurst84 · 09/01/2016 16:42

Can you not sort of feel it out a bit by doing "choices" type game? Then obviously have a convo after. But maybe do a yes/no type thing or "coffee or tea?" "Doggy or woman on top?" "Spank or be spanked?" Type thing

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:43

And if he's a good guy he shouldn't want to do this kind of thing when inhibitions lowered by drink....

You are asking him to hurt you for sexual pleasure, he will have feelings about that that need to be discussed.

Original poster

CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 16:46

Thanks offred yes I definitely will discuss it with him sober

Joysmum - thanks but a little aggressive there! I should be "ashamed"?! For what?

My plan: to discuss it with him in a contrived moment of tenderness and then give it a go when we're both in the mood. I DON'T want anything heavy and will spell that out to him. I'll just suggest we give it a go, start lightly. I certainly have no intention of being even slightly drunk. Not even tipsy. A couple of glasses over dinner! Otherwise, I'm just imagining some awkward clinical scenario. I need a glass or two just to relax and get me in the mood a bit, especially after work

OP posts:

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:50

I'm on the Dom side btw. It is a big emotional responsibility to hurt someone for mutual sexual satisfaction even if it is 'just' spanking. It's incredibly important to be even more responsible when people are trying things for the first time.

When I first started with Dom stuff I had a really upsetting experience which had me questioning myself hugely, I posted on here about it. It was a great experience for my partner, exactly what he wanted, but it left me emotional. It was because we had not talked about it enough. I had not thought about it beyond fulfilling his submissive desire, I had not really considered my feelings and boundaries about hurting someone else.

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:53

I'd focused too much on working out whether it was going to be bad for him...

I think communication is absolutely vital in BDSM stuff, knowing someone really well, knowing yourself well and being comfortable talking things through - which is not all dry, it is very intimate and can also be exciting...

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:57

As the sub you need to be comfortable about the boundaries and trust the person not to cross them. You need to know what their motivations are for dominating...

As the Dom you need to think about why you are doing this and how you will feel about it not just think about the sub's desire to be dominated but actually how you will feel about dominating, where your attraction to it comes from, how safe the person is with you.

Offred · 09/01/2016 16:59

And if this guy is not into it, for himself, just don't do it.

Offred · 09/01/2016 17:00

If you find fantasy is better than reality then stop doing it. Make sure you are comfortable telling him it didn't live up to the fantasy, which is one of the reasons I would advise you not to open the conversation about trying it until you are comfortable enough to do it sober.

You may not like it. You need to be able to tell him if you don't.

RedRainRocks · 09/01/2016 18:32

If give any alcohol a miss... You're asking him (who by your own admission is a pretty conservative guy) to hurt spank you, for sexual gratification and you have no idea how he feels about that kind of kinky stuff... Alcohol, even a glass or two shouldn't be invoked here. I'd be concerned doing anything like this with someone who found it difficult to communicate about their desires, and articulate what they want/like etc...

RedRainRocks · 09/01/2016 18:32

Without "a glass or two"

Joysmum · 09/01/2016 18:57

Oh cripes CuriouslyClara I didn't mean you should be ashamed, if you look our posts are close so I was typing in response to SolidGoldBrass as I'm horrified anyone would think drinking and a first experience in a newish relationship.

I have experience of a partner going too far and questioning myself as to whether it was my fault for not giving out the right signs or not being clear enough. Of making excuses for him too.

I'll leave the thread now as Offred is far better at this than I am.

I never had a safe word, never needed one as no or stop are clear enough.

Be careful, be honest with your partner. If you can't be then he won't know what you want to try and won't have permission.

Original poster

CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 18:57

Ok point taken all, thanks, I won't have a drink - not even a drop!!

Honestly though, is my request even that kinky? I'm not into BDSM, not into 50 shades of shite, just, quite literally, a bit of slap and tickle! I wouldn't even constitute it as hurting! I feel like some posters are seeing it as me asking him to whip/cane me?! Nothing of the sorts. Just some light foreplay

OP posts:

Original poster

CuriouslyClara · 09/01/2016 19:01

Joysmum! I keep x-posting with you! Ah I'm so sorry, I completely misunderstood Totally appreciate where you're coming from, please don't leave the thread, your advice was valid and useful - my fault!

The more I think about it, the more I realise I was wrong by suggesting alcohol should be brought in the mix in these circumstances - new guy, new experience, new relationship for me. Recipe for disaster Thank you all, really kind advice and I appreciate hearing your opinions

And sorry again Joysmum

OP posts:

Offred · 09/01/2016 19:32

No, it's not that kinky.

The thing with it is the essence of it is asking someone to hurt you for your sexual pleasure.

For that reason you need to be clear everyone involved is a. Ok with the psychology of that and b. Everyone is clear on the boundaries.

You will have a better experience if those things are clear.

Offred · 09/01/2016 19:33

And I very much disagree with SGB's suggestion about mentioning fifty shades.

IMO fifty shades is a story about glorifying abuse. It is not a story about BDSM, or a way to introduce BDSM into your life/relationship.

flatbellyfella · 09/01/2016 19:36

Get yourself a horse whip, like jockeys use, then you can self spank at your choice of timing, & as hard as you like.

Joysmum · 09/01/2016 19:39

No, the fault is mine. I'm so sorry, I should have linked to him so it was clear.

It's a lot to ask your partner to hit you for sexual gratification and takes a bit of getting your head around striking your partner, even if you think that's your thing. It's not that kinky and you shouldn't be embarrassed. As with anything sexual, I think it's only time to try once you've reached the stage that you can talk about it because he deserves to be a comfortable with the first boundary as he can be to enjoy it for himself rather than just fearing he's 'hitting' you.

Offred · 09/01/2016 19:46

For me the psychology of it, when everything is talked about and clear, is the most satisfying part. It is so intimate if done right. I think you miss out on a lot and potential damage yourself and/or others if you skip the psychological aspects on the lead up but the actual experience, if it is comfortable and happy for everyone is so much better. But you do need to be very careful about the psychology of bringing pain/domination into your sex life.

My first boyfriend was the perfect person to do this stuff with. I was very lucky to have him.

Offred · 09/01/2016 19:48

And even though this is your fantasy be prepared for the possibility that you may not enjoy the reality of it and that's absolutely fine.

frikadela01 · 09/01/2016 20:06

And even though this is your fantasy be prepared for the possibility that you may not enjoy the reality of it and that's absolutely fine.

Could not agree more with this. A lot of the things that I fantasise about and really really turn me on just do not work for me when we actually enact them in the bedroom which was very suprising but I guess some things should remain fantasies (I won't tell you what they involve. .. Needless to say I would probably be judged if I did )

Joysmum · 09/01/2016 20:10

Offred you've been superb on this thread

All0vertheplace · 09/01/2016 20:41

Introduce any topic along these lines by pretending you had a dream about a particular scenario -- see how the conversation goes from there...

futureme · 09/01/2016 22:24

And also the opposite frikadela - thinking you might like the "idea" of a light spanking and end up wanting so much more....!

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