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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

NC 15yrs Do I open this letter?

124 replies

Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 08:42

So after 15yrs it appears my parent has written to me. Do I read the letter? I cut them off to protect myself & my kids from their narcissism. I always knew when their time came I would not play the dutiful dd, doing shopping, visiting, checking care homes etc. I was quite at peace with my decision even accepting my dc's may make their own contact in time. So, do I read it & mess with my head or forget it ever arrived?

OP posts:

Morecheesegrommet · 08/01/2016 09:58

The first question you need to ask yourself is very simple - is whether or not you want contact with them.
If the answer is yes, I would go and talk it over with a counsellor before making a move. They can help you think about how you would structure the contact and what your options are. How to build in safeguards and plan an exit route if it is crap.

bitterfruit · 08/01/2016 10:06

Have been NC with family for 17 years. I've burned any letters that were sent to me, I refuse to open them. When I made the decision to go NC it was because I wanted a clean slate in my life and to leave them behind. They mean nothing to me now and even if they have changed, my life is now in a different place and they have no role in it. You have to protect you and your children.

Samantha28 · 08/01/2016 10:09

Like others, I am wondering why they have decided to do this now . Seems like there are two possibilities

something has happened in their lives that makes them want to be in touch with you . Either something sudden, like a medical diagnosis or financial hardship . Or something gradual, like a sense of getting old and time running out . Or a progressive illness like dementia which makes them want a carer. Perhaps they have been for counselling / therapy and wish to , as they say, start to build bridges .

something has happened in your life that means they want a relationship with you now, when they didn't before. Maybe you have had a baby and they want to see a grandchild. Maybe you've had some had health news ? Or come into money ? Or perhaps they think that this event will make you more receptive to their letter ?

Either way, they have chosen to get in touch because it's the right time for THEM. It doesn't mean it's the right time for YOU.

They say they will do anything to make it work . Do you think this means you might get the apology you want ?

Samantha28 · 08/01/2016 10:17

If you DO decide to get in touch, I would agree with the other posters who say to take it very slowly and protect yourself.

I'm guessing they have your address, if they wrote to you? If not, do not give it out and use the address of an intermediary. Don't give out your home phone no or details such as where you work or where your children go to school .

Personally I would give no details of my children at all, until you are much further down the line . They have asked for a relathioship with you, not them .

I'd also only correspond by letter or email at this stage, so you can evaluate their words without risk of any drama . If you meet them I would do it in a public place and take someone with you.

Don't go to their house or let them come to yours.

Are you currently having therapy ? Would you what to meet them with your therapist there ?

Blakerose15 · 08/01/2016 10:20

Bin it taken 15 years to get in touch they must want something for them selves not u

Original poster

Lottielillie · 08/01/2016 11:24

Help me compose something back that I can mull-over. Something along the lines of Samantha 28

'I had completely closed my mind to us ever having contact again and was at peace with my decision. The years have slipped by without my noticing. I wonder why you would contact me now after all this time? It might feel the right time for you but it isn't the right time for me, you can try again next winter'.

Something like this. Have a play with it & see what we can come up with. Right this minute I have enough on my plate & don't want the bother but I am happy to leave the door a tiny weeny bit open. Does this message convey that?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 08/01/2016 11:48

I would honestly think really carefully about this. Don't rush into worrying about wording and phraseology because that will inevitably cement your decision, when really you need to stay open for as long as you can to ponder what you really want to do (much harder on you than it sounds - uncertainty is not comfortable, and is bound to open old wounds in this case).

Keep talking to everyone who will listen about it, canvassing opinion. You may feel very different in 2-3 weeks to how you feel now. I'm not saying you ought to change your mind - there's no right or wrong solution to this - simply that you're still going to be a bit in shock that this has happened, and it takes the mind some time to work that through and come to a decision that's right for you, right now.

magoria · 08/01/2016 12:50

I am going to say if you are not ready to engage in a dialogue now then don't reply.

File the letter and see how you feel next winter.

If you feel then you want to make contact you can say it has taken you this long to make the decision. If you don't then you have not affected the NC you decided on.

To reply invites a reply back and more head space.

Samantha28 · 08/01/2016 12:54

I agree with Holly, to take some time and work out what you want . They've had 15 years , so you can take a few weeks / months .

Hissy · 08/01/2016 16:35

DO NOT REPLY..

File this letter and leave it.

Go through the process I said, and come back. In the meantime no reply. Ok?

hellsdells82 · 08/01/2016 17:34

Personally... dont reply,they have already gained a part of you by sending this letter and getting your mind thinking about a response.
Then just wait... wait to see if you get another letter. Wait to see if you get any more than a few words/lines. I mean 15yrs nc and thats alls you have off them.
Youve read the letter,you are not ready to make contact...the second you do they know they have your attention...so dont make contact.

"It might feel the right time for you but it isn't the right time for me, you can try again next winter'."

As you state yourself... its not the right time. So just dont reply. See if they go further..if they are that bothered then you will have more than a few lines and more of an explanation why they want contact again.
A few lines is not enough to warrant 15ys nc.

ProfGrammaticus · 08/01/2016 17:40

I don't know, OP. If you sent that would it be at the back if your mind that you were waiting for something next winter, do you think? And would winter be interpreted as meaning Christmas?

FaFoutis · 08/01/2016 17:54

This happened to my DH recently. He is nc with his parents and his mother wrote him a similar letter to the OPs(but not as nice). It took him 6 months to respond because he didn't know what to do, in the end he phoned his mother. She was very nasty indeed and said she had only written the letter because she was dying and now she wasn't. She obviously wants nothing to do with him when she isn't dying.

Don't agonise over it OP, it isn't worth your time.

Squashybanana · 08/01/2016 18:01

I would reply kindly but without making any promises or time limits. Maybe the person just wants some peace of mind.

Dear x
I received your letter and acknowledge your apology. I want you to know that I am happy and have a good life. I don't wish you any ill.
Lottie

weegiemum · 08/01/2016 18:03

I'm nc with my mother and wouldn't reply at all if i were you.

Original poster

Lottielillie · 08/01/2016 18:57

It might help you all if I told you I never explained to my parent what was wrong other than saying I didn't 'trust them with my dcs' . I didn't plan the moment it happened (going nc) I was being pressurised for us to spend xmas with them & after bunking it for a decade I'd run out of polite excuses. I knew it would be a rubbish xmas, not the 'child-centred' joy I wanted for my own dcs. So having been thinking about (&having been badgered by a friend for years) cutting them off, I finally snapped on the phone (albeit softly) & apologetically said I didn't trust them & to 'leave me alone' & I hung up. They called a few days later, astonishingly cheery like nothing had ever happened & I told them to leave me alone again & hung up. They've never called since. In the early days another family member phoned & tried to broker peace but I left it. It was so easy to just forget. I've always been amazed how easy it's been to move on. I've put this down to us having only a tenuous bond - at least from my side. Before going nc I always used to wonder if we were both on the same page, thinking they can't really be that dense/opposite. When the time came I realised they had no idea & we really were on different planets.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lottielillie · 08/01/2016 19:03

squashy That's way too conciliatory for me at this point. I do not acknowledge the apology yet, do not want to convey whether I'm ok or not (what right have they to know yet?) & saying I wish them no ill will sounds like I'm being caring, when what I feel is 'uh?' - a blank what?

OP posts:

Badders123 · 08/01/2016 19:09

Have you by any chance come into some money?
Sorry, but many years of family shit has made me a terrible cynic....
Why now?
After all this time?
What could you possibly gain by getting in touch again?

Original poster

Lottielillie · 08/01/2016 19:19

I have had 5 really major life-changing things. Quite a staggering turn of events & I'm excited to see how things are opening up for me. If you read it in a book you'd have said 'bollocks fantasy plot' but it happened to me for real.

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/01/2016 19:22

I agree with others, take your time. Take as much time and thought as you need.

I would want to know why and why now.

Maybe (eventually) a response that is nothing but questions.

"Why now? What has brought this on? What do you want out of it? What is your end game? How do I know I won't get hurt again? Why do you think I should let you back in my life?"

Goingtobeawesome · 08/01/2016 19:30

Just because they have tried to demand a response from you because it suits them doesn't mean it has to suit you. What has changed that makes you want to write back to them? So why do it?

loooopo · 08/01/2016 19:33

Please dont mess up your lovely life. There was nothing there in the first place (ie tenuous bond) - so how could there be anything worth going back to?

It would need a deep intensive dialogue with them to resolve anything to your satisfaction......is this what you want to do now?

You havent missed them - it has been easy because they brought nothing positive to your life in the past and there will be nothing in the future.

They want something from you ... your good fortune and/or to absolve their conscience....but what will you get out of it?

They had the opportunity to have/build a relationship with you over (from the sound of your posts) for 25-35 years? .... they didnt take it.

They are likely to be old now and maybe poor and maybe lonely (have they pissed off all their other friends and relatives?) --- but you reap what you sow - so leave them alone.

At the very least file it away to reconsider next year. If in doubt - do nowt.

Ebony69 · 08/01/2016 19:33

I think that Hearts is spot on. That's a more measured approach. There's way too much projection from other posters here.

Badders123 · 08/01/2016 19:33

I'm glad to hear it :)
Stay excited.....and stay nc!

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