NC 15yrs Do I open this letter?

[Lottielillie]

So after 15yrs it appears my parent has written to me. Do I read the letter? I cut them off to protect myself & my kids from their narcissism. I always knew when their time came I would not play the dutiful dd, doing shopping, visiting, checking care homes etc. I was quite at peace with my decision even accepting my dc's may make their own contact in time. So, do I read it & mess with my head or forget it ever arrived?

It is a "nice" letter, but only you can know if it's likely to mean the person is a reformed character, or if it's just an attempt to hoover you back in.

My mum could easily send a letter like that, as she's good at being nicey-nicey - for a bit. I know if I then saw her, the criticism, minimising, hurtfulness and drama would re-start. I would need certain specific assurances that would prove she finally understood (such as "I know when I did XYZ to you when you were 14 I was wrong" and so on).

Lottie - first of all, I'm glad that the letter wasn't full of vitriol and abuse. But I also realise that this also makes it so much more difficult for you to figure out how you want to respond.

So much depends on what exactly went on in the past, too.

I would urge you to take this in your own time and to exercise a great deal of caution emotionally - for example, if you do decide to get in touch, make sure you have support networks in place, maybe even see a counsellor beforehand to talk through possible outcomes. Even if things go swimmingly (and when does that ever happen?) it will take years of care for even the thinnest trust to come back between you, so be gentle with yourself and take it softly.

Agree with others - take your time and let it sink in.

I don't know.

15 years is a bloody long time for them to come up with "I'm sorry" and I certainly wouldn't get in contact off the back of one letter.

I think the idea of not doing anything for a week is a solid one (although I'd be tempted to say a month - 15 years NC deserves more thought than a week).

Whatever you do, put yourself first. Only contact them if you want a relationship going forward. Look at your OP:

I always knew when their time came I would not play the dutiful dd, doing shopping, visiting, checking care homes etc. I was quite at peace with my decision even accepting my dc's may make their own contact in time

Does a few sentences change that feeling? Ask yourself what they are hoping to gain from this because it may be just that, a dutiful DD.

Interesting no self serving excuses

Would your major life changing event affect them positively? For example have you won the lottery and they are aware of this? What the event is and how it would affect them is something to consider.

I would ask someone else to read it. And probably not dh, but someone less close to me so they won't feel burdened by the content.

I would ask them to read it and answer two questions:

1. is there any new information in there that it would be important for me to know? eg they have cancer, someone else in the family is ill/die etc, there is an inheritance for me etc.

1. Is there anything in there that I should read, and that will be beneficial to my emotional health, or that might make me reconsider the NC? eg an apology (unlikely)

if neither, then ask them to bin it.

My mum is NC with her sister and my dad reads any post/emails, and usually doesn't show her.

Nice letter.

Still, anyone can write a nice letter if they want to gain something, can't they?

Of course they may be older & wiser & truly regret what happened.

Just be aware, as I'm sure you are that any contact might lead to the same old shit that led you to NC in the first place.

Is this the first contact that they have made in 15yrs, thathappens to coincide with something happening to you?

Well as a pp said, if it's good they might want to benefit & if bad they may be trying to use it as a way back in.

whoops sorry, hadn't read the whole thread.

Hmm, I'm on the fence.

Nice letter, maybe she has mellowed. Maybe she is prepared to work more on your terms.

Is your life changing event a baby? because if so, I would say she is desperate to see her grandchild.

People DO change - sometimes. Old age has a way of making people reassess their priorities.

Take time to think.

Like others said, take you're time to evaluate it. You're in no rush, it's been 15yrs. Without knowing the extent of your relationship probs it's hard for anyone here to judge what you do but also know that having initiated and stuck to NC for so long they know you are strong and able to do this again if you need to so hopefully will treat you better and take on board the issues. NC can really affect people and their views but there are always the few hard nosed ones that won't change for anything.

Good luck whatever you choose to do x

Might be a stupid question, but do you care?

My DM got in contact with me after 10 years of NC and it was at that point that I realised that I just didn't care any more, there was nothing she could say or do to hurt me, as she was just some woman who happened to give birth to me IYSWIM.

If it still hurts, please think about any contact carefully, as you will just be dragged back into the family dynamic and whilst it will be fine for a while (while they are on their best behaviour) they will slip back into old habits eventually.

In my opinion you need to be selfish, is there anything you will gain from rebuilding a relationship? If there is something you want and you are strong enough to enforce your boundaries then consider it. If there is nothing to gain, why would you take the risk?

After 15 years those cursory, paltry words seem insufficient and merely a token gesture. But I'm a disenchanted harpy. Arf.

Are you in contact with anyone who is still in contact with them? Could you sound them out for a change in attitude before deciding what to do?

Narcissists are truly past masters of "come closer so I can hurt you again".

Honestly I would be running fast in the other direction when they start to act at all "normal". This letter I feel was not really sent out of any real concern for your wellbeing. This person has had more than enough time.

It is also not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist.

Now you've opened it and read it a few times what do you think, what feelings come up?

We have just assumed that you are considering getting back in contact, perhaps that's not the case? Perhaps you are asking us how to process the letter itself, rahter than the next stage.

If you are considering contact after all this time, if they are narcassistic, it is almost impossible for them to change, even if they want to make things better. That should be a consideration.

You should consider if and how to keep yourself safe and protected. Both right now and with any decision you should chose.

I'm NC with my M too, for 20+ years.
I know she is regretful of how the relationship turned out but she also doesn't understand things like boundaries, respect for others opinions and a multitude of other things that make a relationship safe and possible.

No matter what she wrote I would always feel at risk of serious mental harm.

Good post Attila.

If you won the lottery, burn it.

op, wiping a few tears too

not in a "Poor OPs mum" way just in a "how we humans manage to fuck things up way"

you know what's best, and hey there is NO rush you know? take your time

and unfortunately some things cannot be forgiven and cannot be borne, that's the way it goes

Agree with Attila and others. Why has it taken them 15 years to write this letter? I'd be interested to know if your recent life changing event has anything to do with money. And even if it hasn't I'd still be highly sceptical about this contact.

These 15yrs have slipped past me like water, I've barely noticed & when I have thought about it I've been shocked how easy it has been to let go. But let's consider how it could pan out if I did make contact. How the hell would that happen? Am I supposed to just write back? I don't think my hand could move over the paper! Am I supposed to just ignore what went before or go through a painful examination? I am not in contact with anyone who also knows this person, so I have no idea where they're at. My life changing event is an event for the better but will take some getting used to. I have enough on my plate right now just getting used to my new circumstances. Do narcs ever change? I am not the doormat I used to be. I almost killed myself once on account of this person & they know nothing about it. My life was saved by a miracle.

Someone can be sorry about past behaviour and apologise. That doesn't mean that you have to respond in any way at all. It really doesn't. They've said what theyhwanted to say. You must do what you want to do. If you don't want them in your life you don't have to have them no matter how sorry they are. Simple as that.

Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything at all.

You don't have to reply if you don't feel you can. Just give yourself time to process how you feel today.

Sounds like your life got better without them in it. Think about that for a bit.

Sounds like you have not missed them. Think about that for a bit too.

Think about exactly why you went NC. Remember every single detail, from the first to the last straw.

Then think some more.

Then come and tell us how you feel.

It's been 15 years, IF this is supposed to get all sorted out, another day/week/month won't make any difference.

If you decide to stay nc, the above naturally applies.

The genie is currently in the bottle. You're safe, happy, warm and supported. Nothing bad can happen.

Ok? (((Hug)))