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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC 15yrs Do I open this letter?

124 replies

Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 08:42

So after 15yrs it appears my parent has written to me. Do I read the letter? I cut them off to protect myself & my kids from their narcissism. I always knew when their time came I would not play the dutiful dd, doing shopping, visiting, checking care homes etc. I was quite at peace with my decision even accepting my dc's may make their own contact in time. So, do I read it & mess with my head or forget it ever arrived?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2016 09:30

If someone else does read the letter it will need to be a person who has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the person you are no contact with.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/01/2016 09:31

why not get at trusted friend to read it? someone that knows the score

have them be very honest about weather you read it or not

alternatively, burn it and forget

after all your great work, reading it might open wounds...X

MerdeAlor · 07/01/2016 09:33

Also wanted to add that MN relationships board helped me process the contents too. All the support was amazing, giving me a new perspective.

Ultimately, there is no rush for you to make a decision about whether to open it or not. You could wait until the decision that feels right to you comes along.
There is no right or wrong answer, only what feels right to you.

IamlovedbyG · 07/01/2016 09:35

This reply has been deleted

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WizzardHat · 07/01/2016 09:35

I think it depends on how well you've recovered and how stable you feel in that.

I went NC with my mother years ago and went to some lengths to make sure she couldn't find me or contact me. I would not have opened any letter as there was nothing she could have said that I would have been interested in. She died alone in December 2014 and was found a few weeks later - I regret that I had to go NC so completely, but I still don't regret that I did it IYSWIM? So I suppose it depends on how you would feel in the same situation as well.

Not an easy situation for you OP. I sympathise.

Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 09:40

What I haven't mentioned is that I've just had a major life-changing event & I wonder if they've heard somehow?

OP posts:
Quornmakesmefart · 07/01/2016 09:43

Iamloved why bother to comment at all? Hmm

OP I would think that it's likely to be connected - one hell of a coincidence after 15 years if not....

May09Bump · 07/01/2016 09:43

If you think about the contents - what is it likely to be and what your reaction would be.

Mine would be:

Ill /dying - tough luck and still NC.
Re-connection - no way in hell and NC.
Money offer / inheritance stuff - No thanks and NC.
Other relative stuff - not interested as I would still be in connect with those who mattered.
More abuse - highly likely, upsetting and would still be NC.
Given above I would just shred it.

Blood is not thicker than water and family can offer harm you the most. If your happy, stay happy!

luckiestgirlintheworld · 07/01/2016 09:44

If you get someone else to read it first then they can tell you if it just that they have heard your new news or if it is because they are dying or whatever. I wouldn't throw it away without letting someone else read it in case it is important information.

SparklyTinselTits · 07/01/2016 09:44

I've been NC with my biological father since I was 5. When I turned 18, he sent a letter to his mother with an envelope inside addressed to me and my sister. She put it through my mum's door, but it was shredded straight away.
Save yourself any heartache and don't open it.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 07/01/2016 09:46

In light of your update, I would be worried the letter would be along the lines of "we have heard X has happened. How could you not tell us / we are disappointed you haven't contacted us etc"

I still think after 15 years you could get someone else to read it for you but obviously only you know if you want to / can handle what the letter may say.

Was the life changing event a good one? Is it something they could think would benefit them and that's why they've got in touch?

3littlebadgers · 07/01/2016 09:49

Lottie, your mind must be going through so much at the moment. I don't think you should keep it, just because it prolongs the dilemma for you. If you are at all leaning to wanting to know then give it to someone you trust to read and pass on relevant bits, if you are at all worried please just get rid of it. You have been nc for 15 years, there is obviously a reason for that. Even if you have had a major life changing event, after 15 years they have given up the right to have an opinion about that. How will their opinions make you feel. If you will remain confident and happy with your choices then the risks are less but if it will make you feel guilt, or doubt or anything less than proud of yourself and what you have achieved then it just would not be worth it.
Flowers the best of luck to you x

Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 09:51

Opened it.

'Dear Lottie,

It is now several years since things finally came apart between us and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about you.
I can't undo what has gone, but I am really sorry. I love you and miss you dearly and would give anything to have you back in my life.
I continue to hope that one day you may feel able to get in touch so that we might be able to try and build bridges.
Love as always'

There it is. Hope they don't see it here but after all I've been through I'm bloody well going to use MN as a sounding board to give me a bigger perspective.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 07/01/2016 09:51

My instincts are to ask a trusted person to read it and then only tell you if it is something you should know.

If it is about a illness, would you want to know, would you do anything?

If it is about a death, would you want to know, would it change anything?

If it is about another relative or a birth, would you want to know, would it change anything, is it news you would have got from someone else?

Think about your answers then make your decision.

I have had a similar situation. It was hurtful, made me angry, didn't change day to day life but did cost me hundreds in legal fees.

Goingtobeawesome · 07/01/2016 09:52

Oops, completely pointless cross post.

What is your until gut feeling?

KissMyFatArse · 07/01/2016 09:52

Do you feel like you want them back in your life?

Dumdedumdedum · 07/01/2016 09:54

Would the life-changing event make them think you might be willing to be conciliatory now if they did know about it and this contact wasn't coincidental?

TheWhoreOfBabyliss · 07/01/2016 09:55

Have you inherited or won some money Lottie ? That brought a member of my family out from under her rock.

SuburbanRhonda · 07/01/2016 09:56

whoreofbabylon Grin

Janeymoo50 · 07/01/2016 09:58

Oh Lottie, I think that may have made me cry a little if you.
I'd suggest putting it away for a while. Give it plenty of thought (when ready) and make the decision in due time (whatever that may be). Chat it through with a trusted friend/partner and take your time.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and you are the most important one here.

tb · 07/01/2016 10:02

Have been in the same position. On the face of it, it sounds like a really nice letter.

Otoh, my cynical self thinks, if I'd had a letter like that from my 'd'm, I'd wonder if she was trying to reel me in, or what other manipulation she had in mind.

Only you can say which you think it is. Is there a third party that knows them that could say if they seem to have changed?

At the end, though, you don't have to do anything, you could just leave it, and take comfort from what seems to be an apology, on the face of it.

springscoming · 07/01/2016 10:03

I think the type of life changing event would have a huge bearing on whether to stay NC or not.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 07/01/2016 10:07

Hmmm.

Do you think she is genuinely a narcissist and unable to change, or do you think there is a small hope that she can / has changed? You know her best and are the only person who can answer that.

People can change for the better, but it's rare and takes time. But it's been 15 years, she's had the time.

The chances are that this is an attempt to draw you in and she'll fall back on her old behaviour patterns. But there is that faint chance she's changed.

You do know her best. We don't. In principle though, I'd say have cautious contact - very cautious - keep it distant and take it slow, but give it a chance. Make it clear that you want to take it slow. If she respects that, good. If she doesn't, time to close the door again

Fwiw I was NC with my diagnosed severe BPD biol. mother for 5 years. When we reestablished contact I was the only person she would behave with (as best she was capable of). There was something left in her that was still capable of a sort of love, and she didn't want to lose that cautious contact we had. We retained distant contact every couple of years or so, an hour or 2 hour visit. It did matter to me though ... she was monstrous to the other people in her family.

MoMoTy · 07/01/2016 10:08

This must be really tough for you Lottie. Sorry you had a life changing event, if that didn't make you on your own want to get in touch with the parent then it doesn't mean you have to accept it the other way around.
You went nc 15 for a very serious reason, do you think you could go back?

Joysmum · 07/01/2016 10:08

Totally agree with Janeymoo50

Make a conscious decision not to do anything for a week.

That'll give time for it to sink in and for you to consider if enough could have changed that breaking NC would benefit you, or whether nothing will have changed, no matter what the letter says. Easy to write one thing but behaviours not to ge any different.