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Original poster

NC 15yrs Do I open this letter?

124 replies

Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 08:42

So after 15yrs it appears my parent has written to me. Do I read the letter? I cut them off to protect myself & my kids from their narcissism. I always knew when their time came I would not play the dutiful dd, doing shopping, visiting, checking care homes etc. I was quite at peace with my decision even accepting my dc's may make their own contact in time. So, do I read it & mess with my head or forget it ever arrived?

OP posts:
MerdeAlor · 07/01/2016 17:23

They sound dangerous to you OP. Think carefully run a mile

Joysmum · 07/01/2016 17:33

It's ok for them not to be relevant in your life and to ignore.

Don't let that letter make you feel obligated.

The only reason to do anything further is if it would enrich your life. If it won't if the risks of a relapse are too great then ignore.

Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 17:40

I was badly let-down as a child but never held any animosity about that despite having every justification to. What snapped me was the many failures through my adult life. One of which was particularly inexcusable. Trouble is, there was almost no parental bond to break, it was barely there in the first place. If I was to even consider this it would have to be done through a 3rd party & probably at a snails pace. They'd have to prove themselves but how do they do that at arms length? I can't see myself being a dutiful dd. I think they owe me but they're heading to the time of life where they'd need/want/expect, help/input from me & I always thought 'bugger that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 17:43

Fwiw they have also 'lost' their other dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 17:46

I can't imagine any way of getting the ball rolling. I've been so mentally closed to this. I was fully prepared to never even hear of their death. I was on my own & that was that. Sad as it is, it's also wonderfully liberating.

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 07/01/2016 17:50

Ignore it. You would never have instigated contact yourself.

Figwin · 07/01/2016 17:57

If you ever feel you have stuff you wasn't to say but don't want contact you can write it in a letter and burn it but it sounds like you have a handle of things from the first time around. Just take it as it's nice to know they love you underneath it all and continue on with your life. It's quite clear that in your heart of hearts you have no desire to have them in your life.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 07/01/2016 18:37

If they are genuinely narc, no they won't change. at best they can become slightly better but that's very rare.

if they aren't genuinely narc, they can change ... if they want to.

If you aren't ready to write / speak to them then you don't have to.

if they have (genuinely) changed then it's up to you to decide how much in - depth conversation you want. A distant, formal relationship is fine and probably easiest. If you want a more personal relationship then the past is likely to raise its ugly head and you might be in for a turbulent time ... It's also when you find out if she's really changed. How she deals with past conversations.

Take this at your own speed.

If you did want to answer in time, then perhaps something like "I received your letter. There's been a lot happened but I appreciate your apology. Perhaps we can see how things go" Then wait for her birthday or christmas or easter (since it's a long time to christmas) and send her a card.

Low contact is quite possibly the best way to go at first, if you want any contact at all. There is no obligation on you to resume contact with someone who drove you that close to the edge.

SpecialistSnowflake · 07/01/2016 18:49

If the life changing event is something like bad health, or a pregnancy/baby, I'd be inclined to think they were being genuine.

On the other hand if it's an upward change in lifestyle, or finances, I'd be suspicious.

kittybiscuits · 07/01/2016 18:51

Please just remember that you have absolutely no duty or obligation here. Whatever you do should be based entirely on your own wishes. Don't allow yourself to think otherwise.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/01/2016 19:04

A letter can harm you. Words can really hurt.
It's a hard one TBH. You don't want to raise any old painful nasty ghosts, but OTOH if you don't you will always wonder what was in the letter.
We obviously can't make any decisions for you but me personally. I think I would read the letter.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/01/2016 19:05

Even if you do read the letter remember you're not obliged to do any thing about the information that you read.

MerdeAlor · 07/01/2016 19:49

ILive she chose to open it if you read through.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/01/2016 20:11

Oh my fault. Should have RTFBlush

ForalltheSaints · 07/01/2016 20:34

I would suggest getting someone else to read it to find out if there is anything significant. It could be some news about someone else, for example.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/01/2016 20:58

Been thinking about you op - what a bombshell

I am a complete stranger but for me the advice is to burn , shred and ignore

There seems to be no remorse or acknowledgement in their letter

If they drive you to near suicide - that's pretty hardcore and I can see how scared you are by reading

It's so hard but ..... Maybe put it away and shelf it - and agree that I won't even think about this for two months

Sending massive empathy and strength your way

juneau · 07/01/2016 21:05

There is no reason for you to get back in touch with this person. Shred the letter and go back to your life. There was no parental bond and you don't miss them. They are extremely likely to want something from you, even if by some miracle they are sorry for the past. And no, narcs don't change.

MoominPie22 · 07/01/2016 21:20

If they´ve waited all these long years and only got in touch cos you had a life changing event, then I smell a letter that is manipulative bait, just designed to reel you in.

If they´ve never taken any responsibility for what they´ve done or apologised, then it´s just all meaningless words. If they loved and missed you so much why wait 15yrs to get in touch and extend an olive branch? Surely this is no coincidence! There´s an agenda here.

Unless you feel like in the past 15yrs your life has been lacking, you´ve been miserable and you´ve had regrets about going NC then take the bait. But if you´ve benefited mentally and generally, if you´ve felt more peaceful and less stressed and unhappy by not having toxic arseholes in your life, then don´t be fueled by curiosity or guilt. Leave well alone.

Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 21:57

I don't know what to think. I was totally settled in my mind before this. Well really there was no thought to it. I'd just forgotten. The years passed in a blink & I genuinely didn't care. I've used the time inbetween to contruct a new me. I'd decided it never mattered what happened in my life; death, homelessness, bankrupcy, whatever, I'd never ever go back no matter how tough it got. I would always be independent. They once said to me 'you only want me for what you can get out of me' to which I replied ' No, that's not true, I've never asked you for anything EVER, not a penny, nothing'. - Didn't take it lying down that time. Once in a blue moon I might have thought it would be nice to have some family (I have nothing) but then my therapist pointed out 'You have to accept 'x' may never be the person you want them to be'. & with that the penny dropped for me. I had this imaginery person in my head who I wanted them to be but they just weren't able, it wasn't their character. What do they envision the end goal to be? To come to my house? To spend holidays together? As contrary as it might seem I've quite enjoyed not having to bother with birthdays & 'parents days'. My parent always had a chip on their shoulder. When I was young my happiness pissed them off. I can guess where their narc habits came from. When they were young, their younger sibling was born with problems, which by the sounds of it meant the older one got more than a bit left out whilst the younger was dealt with. Do they imagine they've seen the error of their ways? Do you think they've had therapy? This couldn't possibly move forward without them fully admitting they royally fucked-up & them changing to the parent that I think is right. Anything less & I'm just not interested. It's my way or nothing & I made that happen by going nc.

They did try to regain contact early on. Firstly by one or more letters (i forget) & secondly by sending presents & cards for my dc, but I returned those with no accompanying letter & thankfully they stopped coming. I also explained to my dc truthfully (in an age appropriate way) what had happened so nothing can ever come & bite me on the bum in later years. For all I know one of my dc may have made contact somehow or vice versa & they're not telling me? I haven't told the dc about my letter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottielillie · 07/01/2016 21:59

They apologised sometime after the event but in a manner I thought 'bollocks' to. It just wasn't enough. Only massive change would be enough. They have also apologised in this letter.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 07/01/2016 22:26

But why, after so many years, would they be capable of change? And why the contact coinciding with your happy even? I´m wondering if it´s ulterior motives. Unless they´ve had a personality transplant then this is just words.

But you know your situation better than any of us. It must have been pretty darn serious for you to go NC and kept it up for so long. What would be in it for you if you made contact and reconnected the communication channels? Is it just that you´re curious if they have changed?

I can´t tell you what to do here. I´m also NC with my ëx-family¨. I just know, with me, if people have been a certain way their ( or at least my ) entire life, they can´t just change who they are. THere would have to be acknowledgement they were in the wrong and some sort of motivator for them to getting in touch.

I´m just wondering why your family member is doing this now.

Samantha28 · 07/01/2016 23:05

You don't have to do anything if you don't want to .you get to decide if and how you respond . You can't control them but you can decide how much, if any, contact you want with them .

If you want to ignore it, you can do so .

If you just want to exchange the occasional letter,you can send a non committal reply to this and see what happens .

I don't know if they want to come and visit your house and see your kids etc. but it sounds to me like you certainly don't want that and you can stop it happening . It's not all or nothing .

Aussiebean · 08/01/2016 00:07

Personally I don't think it's enough to make up for 15 years. That is a very very long time for them to have apologised.

And what exactly are they sorry for? That you have decided to be nc, or that they caused the nc through there behaviour.

You said you don't know how to contact them, so don't. If they really want contact with you, (and to make amends) they can put in more effort that would come close to making up for years of abuse and then 15 years no nc.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 08/01/2016 08:15

I'm not sure what else they could do to make it up at -this- stage. (This stage). After 15 years first contact has to be tentative and a small gesture. As an olive branch it was fairly good, I thought.

The questions are 1) was it a real olive branch, or one hiding acid ready to burn lottie and 2) what do you actually want OP? It doesn't really matter what they envisage the end goal as. It's what you want.

his couldn't possibly move forward without them fully admitting they royally fucked-up & them changing to the parent that I think is right. Anything less & I'm just not interested

At least that defines what -you- want from any possible relationship.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 08/01/2016 09:16

tbh though given the weakness of the bond with them and the actual damage they caused, it doesn't sound like you really want any contact.