Pregnant

[ChampsMummy]

Hi

Umm well I really don't know how to start this, haven't told anyone in real life because I am ashamed and it's completely character for me.

Basically I am pregnant and I don't really know how it has happened because I'm always careful.

I have been seeing this guy for just over four months, just for fun nothing else, although we do get on very well, and he has asked many of time when I'm going to give him a baby.

I am VERY against abortion I've always said I'd never terminate a baby, but I can't see how I can keep his baby, he leads a criminal life style which I have been ignoring.

And I also have a 7 year old son from my previous relationship, I'm in a very bad situation at the moment, can I please have some some advice, good or bad and I know how to take criticism.

Oh well that's your choice to make. I guess you now have to take all the negatives with the positives and like you said possibly face your sons father going for full custody.

When you say he's a criminal, what sort of criminal is he? Murderer? Rapist? Drug dealer? Because of course you have to face up to the facts that social services may now become involved for the sake of your unborn child and son. They may decide neither you nor the baby have to have any contact with the father. How would that make him react?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways I really don't want to get into what he does, but he is certainly no rapist, don't know why you'd ask that, I wouldn't mess with someone like that, but I know for sure he wouldn't hurt me, my son or the new born baby and social services wouldn't be getting involved stop being so dramatic, I am keeping the baby.

I'm not trying to scare you, OP but if the father is a high profile criminal there is a very high chance that SS would get involved. Maybe even the father of your ds would make them aware. You also cannot know for sure he would never hurt you, maybe not physically but if he wants a child he could get very 'difficult'.

You are absolutely conflicted. Please make a GP appointment and ask for urgent counselling via BPAS or similar to help you to decide. Only you can do this. Do you have any idea how many weeks' pregnant you are or when your last period was?

I know for sure he wouldn't hurt me, my son or the new born baby

Sadly this is pretty much what every single woman says, until she is assaulted or killed by a violent man.

Best of luck to you OP

Matilda I am 6 weeks.
Maybebabybee What makes you think he is a woman beater? He has never been violent towards me and I know he wouldn't

Maybebabybee What makes you think he is a woman beater

Nothing except that this often goes with the territory of being a criminal. I grew up around a lot of criminals (non violent crime, but still criminals) so I do speak from experience!

I also work in DV and the sad fact is no one ever expects their partner to hurt them. Until he does.

Ok you're entitled to your opinion, being a criminal doesn't automatically make you a women beater.

Hi OP,

It does sound like you are swinging wildly from one option to another. You must feel very agonised. Did you manage to speak to a professional - like your GP or someone from BPAS?

It sounds as if you really need someone calm and unbiased to talk to - and I don't mean your mum! She doesn't get to decide what happens and she probably doesn't know the half of the man's criminal stuff. She'd probably get you to run a mile if she did.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You have time to talk this through with someone. And then you won't feel so confused and pressured.

For what it's worth, I am a full supporter of abortion rights and a woman's right to decide what happens to her body. I have also suffered from infertility and faced all the struggles of IVF etc. Being infertile made no difference to how I felt about abortion - (it just made me much less likely that I would ever have to face that decision) - and I would never begrudge someone like you having to terminate a pregnancy because of the circumstances you describe. It makes no difference at all to my belief in your right to choose. Do not worry about all the infertile people in this process - it's bad enough already!

I don't even think it is much of a moral issue at this stage. It is a practical issue. If you continued with this pregnancy, there would probably be a negative impact on your ds, and worse, the chances are that you would have this very nasty, very criminal, very controlling man in your life. I don't think you want him in your life at all quite frankly. It sounds as if he could really screw your life up in all sorts of ways. I would absolutely not tell him that you are pregnant, and then end the relationship as smoothly as you can. It sounds like a very unhealthy thing all round to have any sort of relationship with this fella.

Good luck OP. And talk to a professional!

You're right I just don't know what to do my mind is all over the place. Thanks

If he's a high profile criminal of course the chances of social services are being involved. For goodness sake get some perspective for your sons sake of how this could go tits up possibly. I'm not being overly dramatic I'm speaking from knowledge although not personal experience thankfully.

You need to speak to someone about it all to clear your head.

How on earth will social services be getting involved they do not know me I've never had them involved in my sons life and they won't be involved in the new babies life either, as he is not a danger to me or children.

Okay, carry on then. You will get a very real wake up call eventually.

ExasperatedAlmostAlway I find that odd. I know many women who their children's dad have been in prison and not once have social services been involved in the child's life (I could be wrong). If obviously the father has been convicted of sexually assaulting a minor, then that's a different story.

Champs I don't even know what to say, just think about all your options and do what's best for you and your son.

Umm...social services will not necessarily be involved due to criminal activity on the part of a non resident parent, only if it causes the child to be at risk of harm, not at all a given.

I would treat this as a massive wake up call. I would have an abortion - you're only two weeks late. I wouldn't tell him - in fact I wouldn't dream of telling him. I would also stop seeing him. You are putting yourself and your child in danger and yes, in your ex's position if I wouldn't blame him for wanting your son to live with him.

I am having the child, I've made my decision and I've told him as well.
ExasperatedAlmostAlways You were being dramatic just for the sake of it, your life must be so boring.

He got what he wanted then didn't he. You gave him a baby.
Just remember you don't have to give him anything else.

Champsmummy I'm glad you made your decision and I wish you well. Your children will give you joy, even if the father is not around or not, it will be hard, but you can do it with the support from your family. Take care.

So you're having the baby of a known criminal, whilst knowing that your ex husband will probably fight you for residence of your other child?

Op I think you will will be looking back on the "your life must be so boring"quote and wish yours was, somehow lovely I think you've deliberately walked in to the shit storm coming your way, and dragged that poor little boy of yours for the ride.

I wish really do wish you all the best in the future

The comment "your life must be so boring" was completely uncalled for. No need to be nasty, especially as people are posting to offer advice and support.

I'd prefer a boring life to fucking a high profile criminal, but each to their own eh.

On the contrary, OP, it sounds like you like the drama. Sleeping with a high profile criminal, having his baby despite the affect it will have on your 7 yr old; I think it's your life that is going to be a veritable soap opera.

Good luck OP. Doesn't sound like you have managed to talk to anyone calm and rational who could advise you properly. Still worth going to your GP though. How did prospective happy father react to the news?

Oh yes my life's so boring. Not all of us can have the excitement of having a child to a criminal, yawn. My sister in law works for social services so I'm well aware of the risks of having children with criminals!

Good luck youl need it!!

Do you throw food away? Crusts from bread, food past their sell by date, leftovers etc and do you feel guilt about the millions in this world who have very little to eat? Your logic for being against abortion is the same as my example, a termination is a personal decision for your own personal circumstances and not the circumstances of others.

I understand your defensiveness, some of the posts about SS and violence may have been overdone but they are possible. You do not know this man and pretending that you do, will only make it harder on yourself. You've gone from not suspecting that he would tamper with contraception, to believing he has. You've gone from fearing that your son's father would seek custody, to saying having this child will have no impact on you or your first child.

There is still time to talk to a professional about your decision. Having this child will create a lifetime bond with someone who you admit to only wanting a v casual relationship with, someone you didn't want to introduce to your son and someone whose criminal past/ present makes you uncomfortable. Having a child with this man will give him parental rights.

This is a big decision and therefore you owe it to yourself to really start considering the wider consequences of that decision.