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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant

83 replies

ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 11:59

Hi

Umm well I really don't know how to start this, haven't told anyone in real life because I am ashamed and it's completely character for me.

Basically I am pregnant and I don't really know how it has happened because I'm always careful.

I have been seeing this guy for just over four months, just for fun nothing else, although we do get on very well, and he has asked many of time when I'm going to give him a baby.

I am VERY against abortion I've always said I'd never terminate a baby, but I can't see how I can keep his baby, he leads a criminal life style which I have been ignoring.

And I also have a 7 year old son from my previous relationship, I'm in a very bad situation at the moment, can I please have some some advice, good or bad and I know how to take criticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 13:07

Mum2mum I would love this child the same way I love my son my mind is not right at the moment I'm thinking all kind of things right now. Hefzi it will for sure effect my son, I have never ever bought any men around him before, and I would have to explain to him where the new baby is coming from, I really don't want to speak to "mr man" right now knowing he has done this on purpose.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 06/01/2016 14:34

To be fair you don't know he has done this on purpose, do you? As you say, your head is all over the place. Allow yourself some space and get that appointment with your GP to get some professional support.

If you do decide to go ahead can you, or would you want to keep the pregnancy a secret from the man? He might have some views on that. Would moving away be an option if your paths are likely to cross? Otherwise, as a pp has said, whether you like it or not, you will be in a relationship with him as joint parents of a child.

My previous post wasn't intended to sound critical, sorry if that came over. Your replies are quite defensive, everyone who has answered is trying to be helpful.

Best wishes.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/01/2016 14:39

I think this is one of the rare cases where adoption seems to be the right answer.

If you must bring the child of a criminal into this world, you need to do it in a way that will not expose your 7 year old to this dangerous man.

The only way to do that is disappear, have the baby in secret, and give it up for adoption.

Bringing a baby into this situation, and inflicting it on your kid would be unconscionable.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/01/2016 14:40

And by "it" I mean the situation with the criminal.

Not the baby, who would be entirely innocent in this giant mess.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/01/2016 15:01

Other people's fertility has nothing to do with you and shouldn't have any bearing on your decision.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2016 15:09

It's a bit of a strange reason not to abort.
You wouldn't deny yourself any kind of luxury because there are starving people in the world who don't have the money to buy such things.
Make your decision for YOU.

FWIW a friend of mine aborted a pregnancy during my IVF treatment. Didn't bother me a bit - in her shoes I'd have made her decision.

You don't owe the infertile anything.

Tbh, that makes it sound like you know having a baby with a criminal is a bad idea, but you want another child and you're trying to subconsciously find a "good reason" to justify it.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 16:04

Sorry for the late reply I had to go and collect my son from school, I have spoken to my mum briefly about the situation she basically said me and him have to take responsibility, something I really didn't want to hear.

MatildaTheCat I would not be keeping my pregnancy a secret from anyone and I wouldn't be moving away either, I may sound defensive but I really wasn't trying to, I do not want this baby a baby is suppose to be made out of love and what me and him have is not love, I just know that it is going to effect me very badly afterwards, and I'm not trying to find a good reason to keep the baby and I can't tell him about it because all he will do is persuade me to keep it.

And if I was to keep it, he would have to be a part of mine, my sons and the new babies life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 16:05

And not to mention my sons father will not be happy, he'd probably want to take full custody of our son.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/01/2016 16:11

As you don't want the baby and feel that your mum and the father would both try and persuade you to keep it, I suggest you don't discuss the pregnancy with them. Ask your GP and/or BPAS or Marie Stopes about counselling. The counsellor will be impartial and will help you to make up your OWN mind about what to do. This has to be YOUR decision because it's your body and you will be the person dealing with the consequences either way. (There is no guarantee the father will actually take responsibility, give up his criminal lifestyle and provide financial and emotional support for his child - in fact it's very unlikely he will.)

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 16:15

I do need to speak to someone in professional about this.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 06/01/2016 16:15

Think only of yourself and your son. Your parents views are irrelevant, as are the views of the criminal you're sleeping with.

'taking responsibility' in this case would be terminating the pregnancy if it was me. Obviously it's not me, but having links to a criminal for the rest of your life could have all kinds of implications, including for your son.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 16:39

MorrisZap yes I know that's he most sensible thing to do but I know it's going to effect me afterwards, but anyway I am going to look about getting an abortion which would also mean not seeing him again too.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2016 16:55

Well, not seeing him sounds like a good idea, abortion or not Confused I doing understand why an abortion means not seeing him though.

Yes, an abortion would affect you. So would being tied to a criminal who was only ever just a shag, for life.

Deginitely speak to BPAS, good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 17:15

Cabrinha Couldn't have an abortion and carry on seeing him as if nothing has happened, it is time I drifted myself away from him, and if were to keep the baby I would have no choice but to let him in the babies life as that's the only way I know, my dad was and has always been around, same for my sons father. I didn't even want "what we have" to last for this long, and sometimes it feels as if he thinks we are together (turning up at my house late at night and calling for general chit chat) then I used to sit and worry incase people come here for whatever reason, as he is quiet high profile, I will be cutting him off in the next few days, not too sure how but I will.

Thanks for all the advice I am so grateful.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/01/2016 17:47

"Quite high profile" criminal?
I would definitely not continue this pregnancy, tying yourself to a man who would drag the child that would result into criminal circles. Or have to be taken a-visiting to prison Confused to maintain his relationship.

tipsytrifle · 06/01/2016 18:06

This sounds well off the grid for reason by way of a predicament. If he's been pressuring you for a baby then, in the context you describe, it sounds like an ownership thing going on. Once pregnant you're "his" in the eyes of whatever gang of criminals he's involved with. This sounds dangerous in itself.

If you don't want a relationship with this man then in truth I wouldn't tell him of the pregnancy nor would I continue it. Especially not because there are others who cannot conceive and you feel some strange urge to continue because they can't start.

Every soul's journey is unique and there are no iou's to anonymous others or even friends who have problems in this area. I don't see how you having a child you don't want to a man you don't want would assuage anyone's grief and agony at being infertile anyway. No logical connection. What I do see is a world of weirdness and anxiety that keeps you tied to a criminal world that will ultimately cause you severe harm.

If your birthing a child to one you don't want would jeopardise residency of one you are in full care of already, then I don't really see that as a risk worth taking either. Especially as your ex seems to be nicely involved in the current situation.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 18:59

Tipsy thanks for your input, I am going to book an abortion asap, the longer I leave it, the more I am going to keep on thinking about it.

OP posts:
lampshady · 06/01/2016 19:16

I've had two terminations. Was best for me and best for my ds. Don't regret them at all and was quite relived it was over afterwards. It's hard to overlook the 'romance' of a baby but try and think in facts and reality.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 06/01/2016 19:56

Thanks lampshady my views to the whole situation keeps on changing every single second, now I don't want to have the abortion by tomorrow I will.

OP posts:
Daisymay32 · 06/01/2016 21:38

Ok I've been with my current partner for 9 months now and we have always been careful when having sex, I started taking the pill in November and 2 weeks in taking it, it made me bleed 10 days early so I decided that it wasn't working and stopped taking it, we then stopped using contraception all together, I haven't bled since then. So I've missed my period for a month, But I have been spotting since the end of November but not had a proper period. I've taken 3 pregnancy tests and all have come out negative. My stomach has also gone hard like it normally would if I was on my period and it's been like this for a good 2 months! Can someone please tell me what's going on????

maybebabybee · 06/01/2016 22:04

You've just posted the exact same message on another post Daisy. You need to start your own thread and not hijack other people's.

NameChange30 · 06/01/2016 22:49

OP, yes it does sound like you're going back and forth in your mind. It's understandable, but maybe not helpful at this point. Would you be able to try not putting pressure on yourself to make a decision either way, and allow yourself to be undecided for now? I realise that having to make a difficult choice is a stressful situation to be in, and it's totally natural to want to make a decision and resolve it ASAP, but time is on your side at the moment. You absolutely have time to get specialist counselling, maybe even have more than one session. Spend some time thinking about it without forcing a decision. Also spend some time thinking about other things if you can. Both these things will help you make the decision and feel more sure about it.

If you want, you could book the abortion for a few weeks' time - this gives you the option but you could also cancel if you change your mind. However, I think having an initial appointment with your GP or a BPAS/Marie Stopes professional, and getting some counselling, should be your priority for now - not making a decision just yet.

Hope that helps.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 06/01/2016 23:01

I thought having an abortion would affect me emotionally very badly. However I'd just found out my partner and father of my daughter had been cheating on me for months. There was no way I could of had the baby. I had an abortion and all I felt was pure relief. It wouldn't of been fair on the baby bringing it into that awful situation or my daughter.

Having a child to a criminal is absolutely not fair on that child. What sort of life would it have. What sort of person would it grow up to be with half its father's genetics he'd wnat to be in it's life what sort of morals would he pass on? How would your sons life be affected, negatively I imagine.

No way would I go through with it. I'd rather risk torturing myself emotionally than tying a baby to a criminal father for life and negatively affecting my sons life.

Original poster
ChampsMummy · 07/01/2016 10:59

I said I'd look about booking the abortion today, but I just can't do it.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 07/01/2016 11:02

champs you don't have to book it, but you could go and just talk with someone about it?

they're honestly not as bad as you think they're going to be, essentially at the early stages it's literally just like having a period, without being dispassionate about it. In actual fact I've had worse periods.