Best friend - relationship morphing - update [Title edited by MNHQ]

[HandyWoman]

I've a friend locally who I've had a very close relationship for 25yrs. We've been through lots together and live close too, in the normal run of things we see each other a lot. Also good friends with her dh.

These things have caused my friendship with her to change:

My psychotherapy, coming to terms with the the end of my marriage, a falling out we had a couple of months ago re her lunching with my EA ex and his gf while I was going through a shitty time re contact and him playing the 'doting but minimalist dad', which she couldn't/can't understand (mutual close friends don't get why she couldn't see it either). Also her refusing to acknowledge that I can see her dh's uncompromising ways (which would get a rousing LTB on here) are driving her to get some pretty bad physical symptoms because of how anxious/stressed she is. Plus she's been a unnecessarily condescending about me going out dating - a definite whiff of 'well it gets you out of the house, dear, how sweet' rather than 'yey, good on ya' (am certainly not pushing my down anyone's throat - there's not much to report).

Such are the shifting plate techtonics. I just feel like the friendship feels pretty awkward at the moment. I managed to avoid over Xmas (declined NYE invite and NYD walk). She is now texting re lunch date.

It's all very odd. It's the first time our friendship has moved off its terra firma in 25 yrs. How should I handle it???? I can't just avoid her but equally what the hell would I say to her??? The reality is she's having a tough time. But she made it clear talking about it is off limits. I think it challenges her perceptions of me as the struggling ea victim when I'm not that person any more. It's like she wants to be a 'parenty' friend to me, but I don't need it now. In reality she's having a crap time but she still wants to keep the old dynamic and stop me from identifying the blatantly raw deal she's getting from her dh. I til now I've always been v supportive of her DH. But recent events have made that difficult to keep up. It's a but ridiculous now. Yet she's trying to keep up the regular lunch/coffee date thing and carry on as normal.

Help! how the hell do I handle this????

Tried to make this brief. Failed.........

Floowho - just curious....re. Socialising with others - were they mutual friends or people she doesn't know?

They know each other (our children were in the same class at primary) but don't socialise together. Went round a different friend's house earlier in the year and took a selfie, and xf asked where I was and what was I doing. She was away for the weekend, so couldn't have come anyway. It sounds ridiculous and petty when writing it down, but actually jealously and possessiveness is not what I want from a friend, and like I said before, I have spoken to my therapist, one of my colleagues who has been out with us both socially, and so knows used my Dad (who is biased, but would say if he thought I was being ridiculous).
Handy I wish you luck for next week, at least you will be sober and be able to leave if you need to.

Floo You're friend does sound very needy and controlling, FFS she wouldn't have been able to go anyway! Amongst groups of school mums & dads, people make arrangements, get together, meet for coffee etc all the time without including everyone else in the class. She does sound very childish and jealous. Although perhaps it's because she feels she doesn't fit in or something?

I only asked because my so called friend regularly failed to invite me to events involving mutual friends, something she cruely repeated with another friend of ours who was at a point in her life when she really needed the extra support of good mates (I was out of the loop as was up to my eyeballs with a toddler and new baby by then and besides, I'd given up on actually being invited to things anyway!) ....so In doing this the "friend" actually distanced herself from people. It all backfired on her when people generally stopped considering her and moved on with their lives......I think she then decided to try to regain some sort of control by bitching about me behind my back (awful awful timing as I was also going through hell with my exH and it made me feel so so much worse). Also the person she tried to bitch with was in a horrifically vulnerable place herself and really didn't need to be dragged into such nonsense. So called friend was in general extremely condescending too and looking back on things now, she liked it when I was down and never seemed to try to lift my spirits up again - which any good friend would do.

Sorry Handy, hope you don't think I'm hijacking....thinking through my own experiences has helped to make links between the behaviour of these strange characters. Will try to focus on the convo in hand now!

It sounds like your other friend and her hubby are also onto your exF. Like my delightful exF, she may already have form for this. So please don't feel guilty. A true friend would always want the best for you. She kicked you when you were down OP. She is not your friend. Ignore the waterworks, etc it's just manipulation, hopefully she'll eventually get the message.