I loathe my husband

[Adviceneeded1]

Married for 10 years 2 DC. He is highly intelligent and quite successful. I SAHM. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point that I can't stand him. I want a divorce. He wants The children. I am devastated and scared. and I can't accept it. He has emotionally abused me to the point that I can't see a way out for myself. He said today that he would pour all his resources into getting them , proving that I am a bad mother and removing the children from me. That he has ways of presenting me as a drug taker and inadequate mother. I am so scared. We have argued for years, he has all financial controll.

I think you need to see a solicitor. You can get a free half hour initially.

Can I also say how sorry I am that he's being like this. And that you will get lots of support to help you through what seems to be a real nightmare situation.

The primary Carer, which is you, will get temporary residency, he will eventually get shared residency, if workable.

He can accuse you of taking drugs, after you split, but this will have to be proven via drug tests.

The threatening to "take the children", is a common tactic used by abusers, to try to keep the other partner in the situation.

Number one - he won't get the children. They all threaten it, very few pursue it because they don't really want them, they just want to frighten you into acquiesence and even fewer succeed. Hold to that thought, get proper advice, follow that advice and act with your head not your heart.

I'm sorry to ask, but do you take 'recreational' drugs?

I would contact women's aid first.

Solicitors don't all offer the free half hour.

If you get this moved onto the Relationship board, knowledgeable posters will be able to help you through the steps to end your marriage and help for you.

He sounds like an absolute shit. There are lots of posters on here who have been through similar breakups and can offer excellent advice on keeping yourself safe throughout the process. This is really just to keep bumping your thread into 'active' til they see it

Get some advice from a domestic abuse charity near you. They will point you towards good lawyers, offer you advice and counselling to help you through this. Suffering emotional abuse is just as valid and deserving of support as physical abuse. Use the resources out there to get yourself out of this situation.

Log any threatening behaviour with the police. Speak to their domestic abuse team. Get strong and get out of this.

I have done. its not regular. We bloody did it together. He very much does want the children. He sees them as trophies? I'm not sure how to explain it but he would stop at nothing to get them.

He is threatening to cast you as a drug taker/unfit mother - having happily left his children with you, day-in, day-out for years? I really think the courts will have heard that particular threat before...

Get legal advice, quick. He can threaten as much as he likes, but the LAW is there for him to abide by.

And do be careful - the time a relationship breaks up is often a dangerous one for partners.

He is sly and cunning and much cleverer than me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It would be in your best interest to see a solicitor and get access to as many important documents you can get hold of. At this stage they'll threaten you with just about everything they can think of - don't be afraid.

If any threats are on writing or Voicemail keep copies.

I am dyslexic. He keeps all files, all paperwork at his office. What do I need?

He wont get 100% custody. Carry on unnoved by his threats. See a solicitor, draw out the contact schedule you want for your children's best interest. Act as though he hasn't made his (empty) threats. He then has to either stfu and deal with the (realistic) paperwork in front of him OR actually make representations/ counter claim etc. Stay calm and strong.

You need what you can get re finances (you can request copies of joint accounts). You need your marriage certificate to file. If he refuses note it with solicitor and order a copy from the local registrars office.

Womens Aid

Do you have any real life support op, family or friends?

If his concerns about you being a poor parent to your children were valid, he would not have entrusted them to your sole care while he works full-time. This is just another bloody bully throwing empty threats around to keep you in your place.

Make your plans and get the hell away from him.

It doesn't matter how intelligent he is, he is not above the law. The problem is that women who are emotionally abused lose their self esteem and feel that they are helpless and that's very understandable, and the more they are abused "put down" the more they emotionally crumble and it becomes a viscous circle.

As far as the children are concerned it looks like you will end up in the Family Court (this is what happens when parents can't agree on the arrangements for the children after divorce) and a social worker from CAFCASS (children & family court advisory service) will investigate the matter and make a recommendation to the Judge. Believe me, these men who think they can hoodwink a judge are so wrong - a Judge will see though such a man without much trouble. The main thing is to impress upon the court that you are putting the needs of the children at the centre of everything. Judges get very impatient with couples who are just trying to score points.

The only thing is that your H will be able to afford a lawyer and I'm assuming you won't as he controls the finances, but you can represent yourself in court or you can see if there are barristers in your area who act "pro bono" (for free) and most of them like acting for women in your situation. I do know 1 or 2 but don't know where you are in the country.

ptumbi is absolutely right. What age are your children. Have you got an RL support? You need to stop seeing him as all powerful and that's because he has controlled you probably over many years. Women's Aid would be a good place for you to start or have a look at their website. You can't change his behaviour but you can change your behaviour towards him. Give it a go - stand up to him. Next time he talks about getting the children say "well the Judge would make the decision about that" - might make him stop and think.

If you're SAHM he won't get the children full-time. Who would look after them while he was working/being successful? At best there would be a shared arrangement.

He may well get nasty but you can still get a divorce and a solicitor will guide you through it all. I have been through similar with exh with reports to social services and the police. It is very stressful but my dc are still with me now four years on.

As for finances, that will all come out in a divorce anyway and you will be entitled to half the assets of the marriage, more if the children are with you.

So sorry you're going through this OP. However, you are going to have to grow a pair of steel balls. It is highly unlikely he would be awarded full custody of the children, rarely are they removed from their mothers.

Firstly, I would contact Women's Aid and seek advice from them. They are wonderful and will be particularly useful if you are in an abusive situation (financial abuse, coercive abuse, emotional abuse). Secondly, Rights of Women is an organisation that can offer free legal advice, however, they are very difficult to get through to and persistence is the key. All information on their website. It is not true that all solicitors will give free advice initially, you will probably be able to find one but I would suggest that you need a bit more than that given the current circumstances.

Gather what financial information you can. Get a copy of your marriage certificate. It may also be worth registering an interest on the family home with the Land Registry (if you are not on the deeds). It is all very well your husband threatening you and ranting at you, but I am afraid the law is the law. He can't dictate how that works and he can't influence legal proceedings however much he thinks he can.

I undertook my own ancillary relief proceedings and represented myself due to the financial situation that I found myself in when my husband left. He had literally cut off everything and even stopped paying the mortgage. I found myself with no money and on benefits overnight and like you was a SAHM to a 2 1/2 year old (at the time). My husband mistakenly believed he could manipulate the situation and the house would be sold, blah blah blah. He ended up with zero, zilch, nothing. I walked away with 100% of the marital assets and a joint lives nominal order. It can be done.

I felt as frightened as you did at the beginning. I haven't read the whole thread but if you have RL support, please gather them round. Keep a diary if you can of behaviour. Keep notes of every little thing you can think of in terms of your husband. It sounds dramatic, but it's very important.

There are lot of experienced posters here, many who have been in your shoes. Please keep posting.

Good luck

Get your post moved to relationships where you will get lots of wise longterm advice.

He won't get the kids, not fulltime anyway. Plus he probably doesn't want them anyway, he just wants to wind you up.

However clever he is, he is not above the law.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Call them, leave a message if they are busy. They will contact you at a time when it is safe for you to take their call.

Make sure you always log out of MN when you are finished posting. It might be a good idea to change all passwords you now have.

Find your local service.

Wishing you courage. Think of this as a voyage of self discovery and self recovery.

You are brave to have got through ten years of this, and you have more strength than you think you have to get you through the next steps.