I loathe my husband

[Adviceneeded1]

Married for 10 years 2 DC. He is highly intelligent and quite successful. I SAHM. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point that I can't stand him. I want a divorce. He wants The children. I am devastated and scared. and I can't accept it. He has emotionally abused me to the point that I can't see a way out for myself. He said today that he would pour all his resources into getting them , proving that I am a bad mother and removing the children from me. That he has ways of presenting me as a drug taker and inadequate mother. I am so scared. We have argued for years, he has all financial controll.

I promise you he won't get the children. You have no idea how bad a parent, and person, you would have to be for that to happen. He doesn't want them. You are showing all the signs of someone whose self-esteem has been destroyed by an abuser. Trust your professional advisers and believe them, until you can believe in yourself, not him. You have more rights than he will allow you to believe.

The more you stand up for yourself, the harder he will push back until eventually he will give up because the flame ain't worth the candle. Screw your courage to the sticking place meanwhile and get all the help you can.

MN is stacked with women who have been where you're at and come out the other side. Nobody's pretending it's easy, but it's possible.

YYY to all of TheFormidableMrsC's advice.

Keep on trying Rights of Women.

Take the initiative wrt visitation schedule, as Sighing advises. Then he has to find reasons why your plans shouldn't happen.

But talk to Women's Aid. Saying it all out loud, and having someone believe you and validate your experiences can be very empowering.

How old are the dc ?

Start gathering paperwork in secret - passports, birth certificates, copies of bank statements, mortgage papers, savings accounts, ni details, cb - and if you don't claim it start - they claim it back from his tax, start recording conversations where he is threatening to make to you see, like a drug taker/bad mother.

Are your parents in the picture or a good rl friend? Get them to hold this and anything else you hold dear - jewellery, photos, keepsakes, start moving clothes and essentials.

Enrol in a course such as computing, if dc are at school look for a job, start skimming money if you can to make an escape fund.

He is threatening to cast you as a drug taker/unfit mother - having happily left his children with you, day-in, day-out for years? I really think the courts will have heard that particular threat before...

^^this.

You say he's highly intelligent and successful? Courts would ask both

a) what kind of Father would leave his precious children in the day to day, full time care of someone he says is a drug addict

b) he wants residency of the children. Okay- how will he work to support them? He would either have to leave work, go on benefits and uproot them (courts would not look favourably on this I'm sure).
Or, he'll carry on working and put them into full time childcare- also uprooting them.

He's trying to manipulate you, many EA partners go the 'I'll get the children' route to further grind you down. You need to seek legal advice ASAP.

Good Luck OP, i hope you get all the help you need in RL too.

Why do you think your not intelligent.

He wouldn't get the DC full time anyway. I know mothers who are taking drugs day in day out and those kids are not removed

Hi Op, sorry not read all the comment but just wanted to say please contact women's aid.

Controlling husbands cannot get away with this any more. Someone may have a more useful link.... but if not this is an article about the law change...

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11043785/Bullying-husbands-face-jail-under-new-proposals-by-Theresa-May.html

As of tuesday emotional abuse became a reportable offence with the police, this includes financial control.

please speak to the police.

He's going to have a problem explaining how he was happy to leave the children in your sole care for so long if you're such a bad mother. He's also going to have a major problem explaining how he's going to look after them on his own. He's bluffing, and if he gets legal advice he'll be told to forget the custody idea.

YY to MrsC's advice. She knows whereof she speaks!

You absolutely need legal advice. And support in RL. My usual advice is to pick one trusted friend or relative and confide in them. But it must be someone who will keep your secrets until you are ready to act.

You need to move quietly. Stealth is your friend. Try very hard not to leave any kind of paper or internet trail. Documents and copies of documents need to be kept out of the house (preferable) or somewhere he won't look for them.

Don't threaten him with divorce or even say 'You can't do that' when he makes his empty threats. The key is to have him believing that you believe him.

Are you able to 'skim' money and stash it away? We called it a 'fuck you fund' and did it by doing 'cash over' during shopping, asking for more cash than was needed for purchases, economizing as much as possible and keeping the savings. Have your trusted friend/relative keep it for you out of the house or hide it where he won't look for it, such as a tampon box or back of a closet.

If you are still doing 'recreational' drugs, STOP. He will be looking for chances to obtain proof you are doing them. Take a look at this chart to see how long whatever it is you do is detectible, but remember there can be variances based on metabolism and weight.

alwaystestclean.com/drug-detection-times-chart/

I'd also advise you to go very easy on the alcohol, for the same reason.

You are gearing up for battle. It may be easy, it may be hard. Either way you must be prepared.

If it helps, my ex is a mental health professional. He dragged me through court for full residence of our children (including one that wasn't born yet and which he denied was actually his). He accused me of drug addiction, alcoholism, having PND that I refused to take medication for, of physically abusing the children, of mentally and emotionally abusing the children, of my home being in an unacceptable state of repair for the children to live there etc. etc etc. My children still live with me, full time, some 7 years later and he has them every other weekend and half of the holidays (when he can be bothered). He disappeared completely for about 18 months ('twas heaven!) and now seems fairly resigned to the way things are. Indeed, when he has the children for more than a few days, he is contacting me askingwhen he should return them!

I know it's easier said than done, but trust in the collective experience you are seeing here. You are the parent with care of your children and the best he can hope for is 50/50. This is highly unlikely if you have been a stay at home mum for a while and he has a job that needs his attention.

If he is self employed, expect no maintenance. You can, however, survive without it on benefits in the short term. Longer term, you can go back to work and I promise you that you will make it work financially. I am 8 years down the line and my life is great - took a while to get here, but I made it and you will too. Take care, keep posting and don't let the bastard grind you down! x

Re paying for a solicitor- a poster upthread said you can get a free half hour. This is NOT necessarily true. Some solicitors offer it, some don't, and it may not be much use even if they do.

HOWEVER... you can still get legal aid if there's been domestic violence, provided you're on a low enough income to qualify. Emotional abuse counts as DV, but unfortunately to get funding you need to be able to document it. I'd strongly suggest you start 'logging' it if you haven't already OP, with an eye both on future legal proceedings and getting legal aid for them. Have you ever mentioned this to your GP or a medical professional dealing with you, or the children? It might be an idea to start now.

Also, they all come out with this shit about how they'll take the kids off you and they've got ways of painting you as a bad mother. It's all fucking talk. He won't and he hasn't. If he were to make accusations about drugs, there'd are things like hair strand tests. When they come back showing fuck all, he won't have a leg to stand on.

My 'D'BIL was like this with my DSis , a SAHM and he was a control freak who tried to frighten her out of leaving by saying he would definitely get the kids as she had suffered from severe depression for years and made a couple of suicide attempts and been committed twice , years earlier. The judge actually said in reply to his claim that she was an unfit mother 'Really Mr Bilssurname ? this same mother that you leave your children with for up to sixty hours a week whilst you work, or for weeks on end when you work awayand have done for years ?' Needless to say my sister got custody.

I walked away with 100% of the marital assets and a joint lives nominal order. It can be done.

Whilst this was Mrs Cs experience to get nothing etc is very very very rare.

Adviceneeded1 Don't be fearful. I think What you do need and fast is good legal advice, a lot of solicitors do give you a free initial consultation these days. You'll find the law is more on your side than his. Are there any friends you can ask locally who've been through this at all who might know someone?.

I think you'll find his bullying will grind to a halt when he's in court even if it gets that far!

Have a read of this site there's some very good well informed advice in there. I'm afraid it may well become a bit of a battle Divorces rarely are anything else but be firm and stand up to the bully!

For that's all he is to make you even feel this way.

www.divorce.co.uk/

My ex said he would get the children but when the crunch came his affair partner had the final say. Needless to say, I was left with the day to day care of the children.

You can be sure he will be partnered up, the minute you say you are leaving.

You will not get 100% of the marital assets. No matter how bad the relationship was. Not even close.

You can be sure he will be partnered up

No you can't. It doesn't always happen! Generalisations help no one.

In fact of all the couples I know who have divorced only 1 that 'partnered up' straight away was male. The others it was the women who quickly found new partners

Listen to Carabos. Speaks absolute sense.
You need to show him you are strong even if you do feel weak.
You will be fine. I promise you. But you must find some strength and have some fight in you. Be positive and determined and you can achieve the outcome you want.
It wont be easy but you can do it. I have been there, I know. And dont worry about the kids. He wont get them.
For you

Some really good, sound advice here. My situation was similar - emotional abuse, disempowerment, made to feel too thick to be able to fight him and his threats. The thing that really helped me through was feeling f..... furious with him and what he'd done. He did turn things into a battle but I got angrier and stronger and he was scared of my solicitor!

My ex was a lawyer. Said he'd contest the divorce (he didn't and while most threaten it, according to my solicitor, few do). He made every threat you could think of but my solicitor saw through him immediately. Although he had squandered just about every asset we shared, the judge gave me his entire private pension on the basis that was all there was left.

Don't let his threats or bullying scare you. No matter how clever, strong etc you think he is, the law is the law and whoever represents you will have seen his sort many times. If you do feel unsafe at any time, contact the police. I did at one stage.

This is THE hardest and scariest time but it will be so worth it. I never thought I'd have the strength or intelligence to leave and manage on my own. Surprise, surprise - I'm doing just fine.

Wishing you strength to get through this - one day at a time - don't look too far ahead and grab as much paperwork as you can find. Bank statements, marriage/birth certs, passport, mortgage agreement etc, info re any savings or other assets You said you're dyslexic but don't know how much it affects you - are you able to gather these things together? If not, anyone who could help you?

The thing is, I would be destroyed if he got 50 50. I'm the one who has been with them day in day out. He gets home mostly after 8 ish when they are in bed. He loves them but they are my world and it feels so dark to think of them being with him . He says he would pay for a nanny to have them till he got home.

Stop discussing divorce with him - just let him get on day to day - the less you discuss it the more he will drop his guard, when you have stuff in place discuss it to get his threats on tape.

Hi Adviceneeded1,

Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support here, but we think that our Relationships topic would be a better place for your thread.

Are you happy for us to move it over?

You are more intelligent than you think. Really you are. You have come to this point in the face of his bullying and abuse. You are stronger than you feel. I'm rooting for you.

Ps you're dyslexic not stupid, I am dyslexic and have a degree and a good job - I have an iq of 136 - definitely not stupid - don't let the fact that you are dyslexic da,age your self Esteem.

I think this is a really sexist thread actually. If we reversed the genders and you said you wanted to do all in your power to have the children with you after a divorce -we would be saying good loving mother. Why is a father supposedly so awful and evil just because he wants to be with those whom he loves?

You just need to work out a 50.50 arrangement. It will help you get back to full time work too to provide a good role model for the children if he has to pay for their care. It will also help you have more spare time to find another man also if he plays his part.

Why not go back to full time work now ? It is much better to out earn men rather than live off them! I earned 10x my ex.

Bubblesinthesummer...yes, I agree, my outcome was reasonably rare, however, there was a huge amount of financial abuse. That is why it was relevant for me to mention my outcome.