I loathe my husband

[Adviceneeded1]

Married for 10 years 2 DC. He is highly intelligent and quite successful. I SAHM. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point that I can't stand him. I want a divorce. He wants The children. I am devastated and scared. and I can't accept it. He has emotionally abused me to the point that I can't see a way out for myself. He said today that he would pour all his resources into getting them , proving that I am a bad mother and removing the children from me. That he has ways of presenting me as a drug taker and inadequate mother. I am so scared. We have argued for years, he has all financial controll.

The half hour is to assess the case, outline what to expect. That alone can be a huge boost to someone who thinks they're going to end up in rags bcs of ignorance and the threats of an abusive partner. A lawyer recommended by Women's Aid will know the ropes about abuse cases (which this is).

indole what's Xenia?

Search for her, Italian. She is a poster obsessed with women earning more than men by whatever means necessary. She doesn't get that sometimes people have nice kind friendly marriages where they share their money freely and like each other.

If his concerns about you being a poor parent to your children were valid, he would not have entrusted them to your sole care while he works full-time. This is just another bloody bully throwing empty threats around to keep you in your place.

This is exactly how my XH tried to threaten me. He also tried to scare me with saying he would be applying for full 'custody' of the kids (custody is not a word that is used by family courts now). And it scared the pants off me. The trouble with with emotional abuse: even though you know he is bullying you and trying to scare you, that doesn't stop you feeling bullied and scared. I used to have to get peeled off the ceiling when he alleged all sorts of stupid things that weren't true.

Just get some people around you who you can call when he pulls this shit, and they can talk you down. And over time, you won't feel so threatened by what he says. Then later you'll just laugh or shrug your shoulders at what a twat he is being. But yeah, it takes time.

As everyone has said, any judge will totally see through this kind of man. He is a posturing shit that is full of bullying and righteous indignation. Don't worry - they will totally see him coming.

Good luck OP. You can do it.

Haven't read right through, but saw this and thought you might recognise your H.
Fwiw, I think we all loathe him too.
Good luck.

Another lawyer corroborating the fact that the free half hour/ first session is a bit of a myth. Many firms will openly offer this (most decent places don't have to tout for business in such a way). However, it's a bit of a misnomer anyway, because for regulatory reasons they cannot give proper advice to anybody unless and until they are set up as a client. An initial meeting at any firm of repute will therefore purely be for the purposes of taking initial instructions, undertaking kyc checks, clearing conflicts and other housekeeping matters. Any initial 'advice' would be a mere steer, and not anything that could or ought to be relied upon, as there is no lawyer/ client relationship in place at that point. Frankly, you'd be as well googling for half an hour for all of the reliance you could place on such advice.

That aside, it is essential that you seek legal advice soon. Feel free to shop around and speak to several firms and individuals until you find somebody that you have a rapport with. You are going to trust this person with a lot of your life now, so you need to feel that they are right for you. Good luck. Your dh sounds like a bully who has an over inflated idea of his own sphere or influence- he is in for a shock.

Get advice on the best possible lawyer you can.

No more drugs of any sort for the foreseeable future, probably ever in your situation. Get blood tests done to prove your clean.

Keep records of abusive behaviour.

Don't be paralyzed by the idea of what might happen.

Be aware that you are playing the long game.

What ages are your kids?

Start reading up. Read the threads by wellwhoknew and mrsc. Get the books that they advise. Make s plan for what your life will look like in a year, in 3 years. Job, house etc. it's not a short process don't delay starting it.

Ffs! No-one is saying there is a legal relationship in the free half hour! You lawyers may not appreciate that us average bods out here know little or nothing about what to expect, whereas you do know a general ball park. It is this that is conveyed in that half hour.

Eg a SAHP says 'I don't know how me and the kids will manage financially if we split, i have no money of my own' when they're married to a high earner. In that free half hour a lawyer would outline eg that marital assets are split. You may know that but a lot of people don't. That's the kind of thing the free half hour is for. Not remotely useless.

Whether some offer it and some don't is besides the point. Whether some have 'no need to tout for business in this way' is entirely irrelevant. Divorce is often the first, and only, exposure to the legal process for most people. The free half hour is an introduction to a process that is a daunting thought to most people.

Please dont swear at me. It is very misleading to place any emphasis on an initial meeting, and potentially dangerous. Feel free to continue to propogate a ridiculous myth if you wish, but it is not helpful to the OP.

In that half hour - free - a potential client gets not only an introduction to the legal process (by meeting a lawyer, as basic as that) and getting a feel for whether they feel they could work with that lawyer. Therapists offer a similar service - not that a solicitor is a therapist but clients negotiating a divorce are going to be in a heightened emotional place and need to fell comfortable with a lawyer. For example.

In pushing this not to argue with you but to protect that initial step to a process that can be terrifying to your average person (and often is) , a step which you are kicking away with comments that it is 'useless'. It was extremely valuable to me and also many in my position.

In that free half hour a lawyer would outline eg that marital assets are split

That is about all of the information that you would get tbh as pp have pointed out.

Saying FFS because you don't agree with facts that people in the profession point out is silly and childish.

That is about all of the information that you would get tbh
That was very valuable information to me when I was in op's position.

People who have been systematically beaten down and disempowered by an abusive partner need to know these basic things that entirely change the landscape.

Not all people - especially people in op's position who have been financially abused - can afford to leap straight in to paying hundreds of pounds for an initial consultation. The cost is also a terrifying - literally - thought to most people.

The first free half hour introduction to the legal process, the lawyer, the cost, is therefore a godsend.

I think your best bet for a lawyer would be one referred by Women's Aid. So WA should be your first port of call.

x

Actually springydaffs, whether some lawyers offer the free half hour and some don't is absolutely the point, since as usual the OP was assured within moments that she could get a free half hour and this isn't necessarily true. And as usual, the response to this being pointed out was for someone to chime in that they got one. It's all very well for you to say that you found it useful and you think they're a godsend, but take it from people who are, in the nicest possible way, better placed to make the call than you, they are NOT always useful. Some people can't even give clear instructions in half an hour, let alone get useful legal advice. Some problems take a lot longer than that to even give the basics. This is how it is. It is because people need information and the cost is terrifying to most that OP would be better served by receiving accurate information about how she might make herself eligible for legal aid than myth propagation.

OP, please listen to the lawyers here. Please start documenting your DV, because this might enable you to get legal aid if you need it.

I had a free half hour then spent £250 for the next hour and a half.

The person who said of me "She doesn't get that sometimes people have nice kind friendly marriages where they share their money freely and like each other." surely proves my point. When women get back to work and aren't relying on a man then they have more options than this poster who is in a mess in part because she doesn't have a nice friendly marriage and is utterly reliant on her husband for money!

I paid for an hour's meeting with a solicitor before I decided to get divorced and it was useful.

I think your best bet for a lawyer would be one referred by Women's Aid. So WA should be your first port of call.

Among the squabbling posts, this is the advice to pay attention to. A good lawyer you for would be one experienced in handling cases against abusive partners.

If we reversed the genders and you said you wanted to do all in your power to have the children with you after a divorce -we would be saying good loving mother.

No, we wouldn't. If a mother came on here and said that she never saw her children before 8 p.m. on weekdays but she was proposing to do all in her power to take them away from the person who was looking after them all that time, and that she planned to pay nannies to look after them, we would be telling her that (a) she is extremely selfish and (b) that she won't succeed.

OP, how are things today? Have you managed to make any progress?

Thinking of you

Phone WA. They will give you support, which you will really need. They won't push you to do anything, but will help you make an exit plan, if you want one. Good luck.

not RTWT so apologies of repeats

This week (now the kids are at school I hope!) some baby steps are:

seek a therapist who is experienced in emotional abuse, I am using one can send advise if you PM me,

See this website and use their advice line
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

START KEEPING A DIARY
and write an essay with names and dates of all the shitty things he has done

read this page here- which of this does he do? ITS AGAINST THE LAW!
www.gov.uk/government/news/coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-now-a-crime

he does not want the kids and he wants to scare you, and I bet you anything if you are taking drugs its a feaction to the stress

and YES see a GP, get it on record that (a) you are in an emotional abuse and (b) be open and ask for help for any substance abuse issues

remember please that its highly unlikely he will get the children full time, he might get 50:50

see this next month as you going to "the gym"- you need to get strong, experienced advice so you can fight him back

DO NOT GIVE UP, develop some muscles and be ready

Totally agree with stopfucking about GP. My ex-h started making allegations about my "mental health issues" which meant I was back and forth to GP who kept everything recorded and was hugely supportive. I did not and do not have mental health issues...however, ex was quite happy to have this put in his Cafcass report in his efforts to paint me as an unfit parent who had full time care of the children that HE walked out on. It is really important that you do this.

I would also suggest enquiring at your DC's school to see if they have a family welfare officer. Another very helpful port of call in my own experience.

Yeah, it's really in your interests to create a 'paper trail' of the DV with official people OP, people who could later write a letter confirming you discussed it with them. School is another good one. What you don't want is for him to be able to say you just pulled the DV accusations out of your arse to discredit him. Much harder for him to make that stick if you can document a history.