I loathe my husband

[Adviceneeded1]

Married for 10 years 2 DC. He is highly intelligent and quite successful. I SAHM. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point that I can't stand him. I want a divorce. He wants The children. I am devastated and scared. and I can't accept it. He has emotionally abused me to the point that I can't see a way out for myself. He said today that he would pour all his resources into getting them , proving that I am a bad mother and removing the children from me. That he has ways of presenting me as a drug taker and inadequate mother. I am so scared. We have argued for years, he has all financial controll.

Please listen to all the lovely folk on here who've been through this and come out the other side.

I'm one. Mine threatened to go for full time residency and followed through. I had to go to court. He didn't get it. He also did the 'you're not a fit mother because reasons' (reasons being severe PND and me being unstable). Now, I did have severe PND and it's true I wasn't in the best way mentally after years of being bullied and emotionally abused (who would be)?

Despite all that I still got residence. As others say at most he will get shared residence. If you are the main caregiver then it is very unlikely that will change (should it come to court orders, which it may not).

In the short term, you absolutely must get some RL support for yourself (choose a friend or family member that you trust absolutely).

Others upthread have recommended getting advice from Women's Aid. I second this.

Above all, good luck. You are stronger than you think.

I can't see the thread in Relationships. Deogratius this isn't a sexist thread, well it is maybe because the OP's H is emotionally abusing her. As far as the children are concerned the OP cares for them on a permanent basis and the father doesn't get home till after 8 when they are presumably in bed. I don't know the ages of the children but if they are of an age to have some understanding, their wishes and feelings will be taken into account. His idea of child care is paying a nanny - how can that be better than being cared for by their mother?

You talk of 50 - 50 and in some cases that kind of shared care does work, but it is only successful if both parents have the needs of the children at the heart of everything, so no undermining of the other parent, or criticising etc. Doesn't sound to me like this bloke is emotionally mature enough to put the needs of the children first. The OP says he sees them as trophies - wonder how many times he has cared for them on his own. Moreover he is willing to tell lies in court about his wife - good job Judges can see through this.

I think this is a really sexist thread actually. If we reversed the genders and you said you wanted to do all in your power to have the children with you after a divorce -we would be saying good loving mother. Why is a father supposedly so awful and evil just because he wants to be with those whom he loves?

It's because this man is being abusive, and it's clear that he's saying he will fight for the kids in order to scare her and threaten her (which is a very common pattern). It's also that he's not making any sense – if he really thought she was an unfit mother why has he been leaving his kids with her as their main carer and not even seeing them most of the week? Taking the DC away from her would also clearly not be good for them – as they will be closest to their primary carer – so he's not thinking of their needs either. All this is why he would not win in court.

If this was a male SAHD/primary carer OP who was being financially controlled and emotionally abused and threatened, he would be getting the same answers.

Yes please!! I don't know how to do it.

He is not cleverer than you. Even if he was, residency isnt awarded to the cleverest person. You need to get your nerve back. Hes abused you and knocked your confidence but youre still the you that you always were inside. Keep your head up x

And they pretty much ALL threaten this. It doesnt happen.

Deo op has stated that he is emotionally and financially abuse and prepared to tell dreadful lies about her. Do you think that's acceptable?

DeoG by the sounds of it the husband is one of those dreary, inadequate, unimaginative abusers who abuses in the same way that all the other dreary, inadequate unimaginative abusers do, and they're more often men than women. This is the same old threat of slagging off an already undermined woman with more allegations of uselessness and boasting that he'll get to keep the kids. Big old yawn emoticon needed MNHQ! Just face down the dick OP - he won't get them, his type very rarely do. Judges have seen it all before, and often. Don't worry, and do take advice from the old timers on here - they know their stuff.

Do you not trust the OP to seek what is in the best interests of the children, DeoGratias?

That's fine, Adviceneeded, we're moving the thread over now.

This is not the time for your sodding soapbox deogratias. There are occasions when your schtick is very helpful, but try reading the bits about OP being subjected to DV before posting again.

DeoGratias I am sure that if the sexes were reversed, the OP would be getting the same advice. Moreover all this will come before a judge who will be able to hear both sides of the story and decide in the best interests of the children. But meanwhile the OP needs information about how to defend herself and her children in this divorce.

I think this is a really sexist thread actually. If we reversed the genders and you said you wanted to do all in your power to have the children with you after a divorce -we would be saying good loving mother. Why is a father supposedly so awful and evil just because he wants to be with those whom he loves?

Bollocks, actually. When one parent has been primary carer, till 8pm every night, whatever their gender amazingly, that person should continue to be primary carer. It provides much needed continuity for the children. Some people are so busy being concerned that a man should get his 'fair share' after a split that they don't seem to give any thought to what would be best for the children. He should get 50% so that the children can sit with a nanny till 8pm instead of being with their primary carer, just so that he's happy?

OP, I'm saying this as gently as possible; No, you won't be 'destroyed' if he gets 50/50. You won't like it. You will be upset by it. But you won't be 'destroyed'. What you will be is free of living day to day with an abusive twat. Please don't let your emotions stop you from making the right decision.

It's not likely that he'd get 50/50 if you have been primary carer. But even if he did, I'd say it's fairly likely that he'd get tired of having to be a real parent half the time.

DeoGratias, I am really surprised at your comments as you are usually full of excellent advice...and I really think the last thing the OP needs is to find a new man. Further, I wouldn't want to leave my children with somebody who saw them as "trophies" and wanted to pay staff to look after them to spite the primary carer.

OP, I agree with the advice to face him head on. My ex-h made an application to the court in relation to our DS. He was interviewed by Cafcass and fabricated the most astonishing allegations about me. As it happened, he appeared to have an epiphany the day before, realised what he'd done and vacated the hearing . They are full of shit these abusive arses. Let the Judge decide if it comes to it.

OP, two things here.

1. he sounds like he has gotten used to a certain dynamic between the two of you. He gets angry and you get back in your box all nice and quiet and duly chastised. When you try to break that dynamic and stand up to him, guess what his modus operandi is going to be? To get angry. If you stand up to him some more? He'll get angrier. I speak from experience.
   MrsC said it earlier up the thread. You want out? Grow balls of steel. You'll see him make all sorts of threats to try and get you back into your box. This will include trying to make you beyond scared.

2. his anger and threats are bluster. To a court, without evidence it's noise and vindictive behaviour. Judges have seen and heard it all. You are the primary carer, he cannot just take the kids. Nor can he stop supporting his DC's and therefore you.

The best thing you can do is to come up to speed on your legal rights. And get a RL support network in place to support you. Stop doing any sort of drugs (however sporadic).
Note any threats down and report them to the police immediately if you feel scared.

One really important thing to bear in mind OP. Highly successful individuals like this tend to really care about public image. If you have any evidence that shows his true colours then start making copies/ screenshots etc. Because this black and white evidence matters in court and in RL. It's exceptionally rare that bullies want to be outed as such. Likewise be mindful of anything you may message / send him.

You can leave this marriage OP and be more than ok.

free half hour ... Some solicitors offer it, some don't, and it may not be much use even if they do

Not true. It is astonishing what they pack into half an hour. It is extremely useful time in which they assess the situation, crack through a general outline of what to expect eg settlement, children; how representation will be paid for. Ime I paid for representation over years at £40pm but in your situation you could price domestic abuse eg financial abuse.

Plenty of us have successfully divorced men like this - I am one. I remember thinking he was too clever, too cunning, too vicious etc etc. Yes he was all those but he was not above the law. The law won - hands down, actually.

You MUST, in the first instance, contact women's aid 0808 2000 247. Lines are busy during the day but you can leave a message and they well get back to you - leave details of a safe number and safe time to call. Or call at night (7pm-7am). Or email - you could link this thread. Be ultra careful with any online activity - Women's Aid website gives detailed instructions how to do this. From now on you need to act with stealth, he musnt know what you're doing or he will lock everything down. Is he self-employed?

You can do this - with Women's Aid at your side. Step at a time, many have walked this way. If I can do it against Satan himself, anyone can.

Ask Women's Aid for a list of solicitors in your area who understand this dynamic. See a few if you like - he won't be able to use any firms who have given you advice, even if they don't go on to represent you (just saying).

As others are saying, you will be entitled to at least 50% of marital assets. It'll be a pleasant surprise when you find out what you and the children are entitled to.

Is he self-employed?

Sorry springydaffs but it is absolutely true. NOT all solicitors offer a free half hour, I know because I am one and I don't. NOT all problems can be meaningfully assisted with in half an hour, I know because I've come across problems that couldn't be. The free half hour is simply a marketing technique that some solicitors use and some don't. It's aimed at getting people through the door and onto the books. It may or may not be available and it may or may not be helpful. The fact that some people have obtained it and some people have found it helpful doesn't refute the point that it's not universally available and not universally useful.

It's extremely important that OP is aware of the funding situation, because she might have a shot at getting legal aid, and she needs to think about how she can evidence the DV in order to do so.

Not in family law, Fanny - or a responsible, clued-up, WA-referred family lawyer anyway. My experience of the half hour was all i'd hoped. More than i'd hoped.

Your CAB might be able to give you a list of local 'free half hour' solicitors - or ones who specialise in family matters. A couple of years ago, the one I volunteered for used to book appointments for one who came in weekly. They can advise you re. legal aid/benefit entitlements as well (bearing in mind you should menton the DV).

But of course some offer the free half hour and some don't, I wasnt so muchmaking a point about that part.

I did family law for a time and am partially basing what I say on that. It simply isn't the case that all family law problems can be meaningfully assisted with during a free half hour.

Deogratis re Why not go back to full time work now ? It is much better to out earn men rather than live off them! I earned 10x my ex. She is NOT living off him, she is the full time carer for their children. Who is being abused by her husband. Not every can earn the same amount or 10 times more and if one has been out of the work place for a while caring for young children, it can be really hard to get back into well paid work. After a break up and the trauma of changes, on top of any other difficulties beforehand, having children cared for by a nanny while parents are out to work all the time really is not in the best interests of the children. It might work fine in normal circumstances for some people, but marital break up can be very unsettling for children, even when it is in everyone's best interests in the long run.

These kids need their mum and the OP's husband's threats do not sound like the words of a loving father, rather a controller. He may well love his kids but he is treating their mother/his wife/another human (He has emotionally abused) being very badly, doesn't sound like candidate for father of the year to me!

It's Xenia, Italian. She is obsessed and has v limited insight into the fact that people live their lives in a multitude of different ways, not all of which chime with her ideas about what is a good way to live.