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Original poster

How do I reduce the time that I see SIL and BIL? DH won't listen!

118 replies

Mrstumbletap · 02/01/2016 06:50

We spend probably about 6/7 weekends with my SIL and BIL over a year. But if find it so much hard work, I have nothing in common with any of them, have been with DH for 5 years, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. SIL/BIL I find so dull, struggle to make conversation with them & usually find myself just looking after their kids while they potter about with their dogs. We don't read the same books, like the same music, like the same TV, have the same hobbies, for example DH and I like to go on holiday they don't. As they live 6 hours away we stay for the weekend several times a year and it's a struggle.

Their spare bed is awful and tiny so I don't sleep well the entire weekend, DS has to sleep on an air bed so his moving about on the mattress keeps me awake. The food portions they serve are ridiculous, for example 6 slices of toast for breakfast between 6 adults, it's all very help yourself first come first serve. So if you don't get in there quick you may get nothing. But when they come to us they get the blooming royal treatment as my DH always goes overboard with food, drink, presents etc.

Another awkward Xmas with them this year with the usual SIL buying me strange gifts that cost £2 or £3 that I have never shown interest in, such as a small gardening book or handmade hair band (I'm 35) This isn't due to money they both have very good jobs and earn very well a lot more than me and DH, they are just unbelievably tight. It's awkward because they are the sort of family that will go bowling and then the SIL/BIL won't play because it's £10 a head so me and my DH will play with their kids while they sit back and watch.

DH knows that I don't want to spend as much time with them as we do, but says they are my family what can I do? So basically it's tough luck. My family live close so we may pop to see my DM and DF once a week or so but for an hour, so he has no comparison to a long awkward weekend.

I want to to say once a year is enough, and he can go the other times on his own, but I know he won't agree as he finds it a chore spending time with them too and wants me there. Do I just suck it up and just keep going? Advice appreciated what would you do??

OP posts:

var123 · 04/01/2016 11:17

I think it sounds like your in-laws are just treating you like family, not friends or special visitors. They aren't being mean but expecting to just do as they please and you'll go along with it. Probably just they way it was when DH and (his brother?) were living in the same house as they were growing up together.

You might find that the sil/ BIL who isn't your DH's sister or brother may well also wish that they didn't have to spend so much time with you and your DH. So, you might have a willing ally who will be glad to break the arrangement up a little given the chance.

Jux · 04/01/2016 12:04

What sort of books do they read? Could you read a couple, then you could talk about that? Borrow a book from their shelves and read it while you're there.

Help yourself to food if you're hungry. Have one slice of toast, go to the bread and ask brightly if anyone else wants some more, then put a couple of slices in the toaster. Don't wait to be asked.

As for filling the days, google what's going on in their nearest town, or find some sites of interest, then book a visit. Tell them you're taking ds to soft play, or whatever. Then just go.

BerylStreep · 04/01/2016 14:55

I'm impressed that your 3yo is prepared to sit for a 6 hour journey each way for a long weekend.

Seeing them 6 - 7 times a year is every 8 weeks!

I like the idea of suggesting one visit to each once a year then arranging to go to Centreparcs or similar for a week together where you could at least have activities to go off on.

I'm interested in why your DH feels so strongly about why it needs to be so frequent. Are his parents still alive, or is there a sense of guilt that it is just him & his sibling left?

2rebecca · 04/01/2016 15:04

We don't always go together to visit family members. We have quite a few hobbies and music stuff so it's easy to say x is busy and can't come even if they just don't want to come. If your husband says he won't come if you visit your rellies why does that bother you? If I want to see my dad or sibs for a weekend I'll ask my husband (and daughter now 16) if they want to come. If they don't I'll arrange flights/ long car journey alone. I've taken the kids with me when small. Other people's families are usually harder work than your own.

2rebecca · 04/01/2016 15:06

My sibs are 7-8 hours away and I see them 3-4 times a year. We'll occasionally meet somewhere in the middle. Some years it's only been a couple of times. We all work

Alastrante · 04/01/2016 15:18

It sounds like you need a compromise with your dh. Like, say you definitely want to cut down on visits because it's not working for you; but that obviously he is welcome to cut down on seeing your parents too. Make sure you have some visits to your parents without him, quickly, where he gets some time alone. i.e. exactly what he is saying but presented in an adult fashion.

Also: get some things to do at weekends. They organise a weekend and you are busy...try to push it a few weeks into the year (you are busy) so there are simply fewer opportunities to spend time together, without anyone being hurt. If your finances can take it, maybe you could organise weekends away with your dh and ds; or take up camping - that takes up a lot of time.

As for you looking after their kids, they are taking the piss there, and tbh I think this is something your dh needs to bring up with them: 'no, if you don't go bowling then it's us babysitting, so why don't we try to find something we can all do together?'

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 05/01/2016 22:02

To answer a few more questions, if we did a week away together and we have done a thing like this in the past they would see this in 'addition to' not 'in replacement of' the visits. That's what happened this year we had the weekend and the little holiday too, that's how I think it's has slowly increased :-(

In answer to the question why don't you just make more breakfast, I would be far too embarrassed to help myself, they would be a bit funny too and probably make a comment and make me feel uncomfortable, they do with their DC if they help themselves to a piece of fruit etc.

They even made a comment when my DS who is a toddler took a quality street from a bowl didn't eat it just picked it up, BIL said "oh just help yourself" I ignored it, my DS didn't hear and just stood there still holding this little chocolate and again BIL said "oh just help yourself" blatantly hinting for me to say something. So I told him to put the chocolate back, Upset me a bit he is only tiny and it was bloody Christmas, why have a bowl of bloody chocolate kids can reach?BIL is quite snappy and not very friendly.

newlifeforme would you never visit inlaws at all then?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 05/01/2016 22:06

berylstreep my DS isnt happy at all to sit for that long in the car, it's a blooming nightmare with wee stops, walk around breaks, iPads, snacks, toys, songs and distraction. Not fun.

OP posts:

Jux · 05/01/2016 22:18

"Just help yourself"
"Thank you, I will, I'm always hungry here"

And then always help yourself, every meal, if you want to. You've been invited to do so, and accepted the invitation. You feel like it would be rude, but they're rude by keeping their guests hungry.

If you eat them out of house and home, they ay invite you less.

Also, be stingy with supplies when they visit you. "You only have one slice of toast each, don't you?" and give them just that.

2rebecca · 05/01/2016 23:15

Don't play PA games with them just stop visiting as much. I think having bowls of sweets on display with toddlers is silly. I'd have just said "thank you very generous uncle x said you could help yourself" and told uncle x that toddlers don't do sarcasm and can he please put his sweets away at Christmas if they aren't for sharing.
No-one can force you to visit them. If you want more toast ask for more and if it's all gone suggest you go to the shop and get some as there doesn't seem to be enough for everyone.

oneowlgirl · 05/01/2016 23:40

Exactly what 2Rebecca said - you need to take control of the situation & either stop going as often or at least speak up when you're there.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 06/01/2016 00:14

I may have missed someone else suggesting it but could you make the visits shorter? Only stay one night, or stay two but arrive late evening and leave in the morning. And if you can fill the time with free/cheap activities there'd be less time for awkward small talk.

BerylStreep · 06/01/2016 16:35

Oh your BIL really sounds unpleasant with his sarcasm.

BTW which one is related to your DH - BIL or SIL?

I'm still interested to know why your DH feels such an obligation towards them. Has he ever been to theirs on his own?

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/01/2016 00:03

Once a year to travel to see them and once a year for them to come visit you is plenty! More than plenty!

I think it's outrageous that they all expect these constant weekend visits. Say no, once a year is more than enough. In fact, I would tell dh to alternate years, one year you visit them, the next they visit you, so that you just have to actually be with them once a year.

What a misery! Good luck OP.

2rebecca · 07/01/2016 09:49

Are the 2 siblings really close and they are the ones pushing for this with the rest of the families tagging along? You don't like them and it doesn't sound as though the kids have fun. Agree with all meeting up 2 or 3 times a year and the sibs meeting up without you at other times

Original poster

Mrstumbletap · 09/01/2016 09:53

It's DH and SIL are siblings, he doesn't really rave about BIL either, not particularly friendly to him either.

He hasn't been on his own to visit them since we got together and he said he would rather not go than go on his own. I have explained that if they lived closer popping in regularly would be fine, an hour or two isn't intense, you can leave when your hungry, and don't have to occupy yourself for long periods of time like on a weekend.

I think he gets it, but he (and then me by default) is definitely pressured into more visits than he wants, but I have now said he can go on his own as often as he wants but I will be around to accompany him for two visits a year. But let's see if this sticks........ When the next visit gets raised in a few weeks I may continue on this same thread!!

OP posts:

SSargassoSea · 10/01/2016 08:20

Sounds like a dynamic continuing from childhood - Did DH have difficult childhood and felt protective of DSis? Or was she the bossy older sister and DH feels he must do what he's told??

loooopo · 10/01/2016 22:13

Sounds like you all dont enjoy these encounters.....your DH sounds like he needs you there just to take the sting out of it for him....

put your foot down and live your own life...

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