How do I reduce the time that I see SIL and BIL? DH won't listen!

[Mrstumbletap]

We spend probably about 6/7 weekends with my SIL and BIL over a year. But if find it so much hard work, I have nothing in common with any of them, have been with DH for 5 years, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. SIL/BIL I find so dull, struggle to make conversation with them & usually find myself just looking after their kids while they potter about with their dogs. We don't read the same books, like the same music, like the same TV, have the same hobbies, for example DH and I like to go on holiday they don't. As they live 6 hours away we stay for the weekend several times a year and it's a struggle.

Their spare bed is awful and tiny so I don't sleep well the entire weekend, DS has to sleep on an air bed so his moving about on the mattress keeps me awake. The food portions they serve are ridiculous, for example 6 slices of toast for breakfast between 6 adults, it's all very help yourself first come first serve. So if you don't get in there quick you may get nothing. But when they come to us they get the blooming royal treatment as my DH always goes overboard with food, drink, presents etc.

Another awkward Xmas with them this year with the usual SIL buying me strange gifts that cost £2 or £3 that I have never shown interest in, such as a small gardening book or handmade hair band (I'm 35) This isn't due to money they both have very good jobs and earn very well a lot more than me and DH, they are just unbelievably tight. It's awkward because they are the sort of family that will go bowling and then the SIL/BIL won't play because it's £10 a head so me and my DH will play with their kids while they sit back and watch.

DH knows that I don't want to spend as much time with them as we do, but says they are my family what can I do? So basically it's tough luck. My family live close so we may pop to see my DM and DF once a week or so but for an hour, so he has no comparison to a long awkward weekend.

I want to to say once a year is enough, and he can go the other times on his own, but I know he won't agree as he finds it a chore spending time with them too and wants me there. Do I just suck it up and just keep going? Advice appreciated what would you do??

How about every time he suggests a weekend to them, you suggest inviting them to you instead. At least then you'll get fed! I always find people easier to deal with on my home turf - more control.

"DH knows that I don't want to spend as much time with them as we do, but says they are my family what can I do?"

Your DH is weak and is really as much a problem as this BIL and SIL really. Saying this really means he knows but "family of origin" trump everything due to his misplaced obligation when it comes to such awful relatives. In answer to his what I can do question well he could start by enforcing and maintaining much higher boundaries. You are both being walked on and over by such people. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are really no different.

You can also maintain and enforce higher boundaries by not visiting these people at all; they have shown you no consideration whatsoever and I would not worry about sounding rude to them when you start saying no to any visits. They have certainly been rude to you as well as tight when it comes to gifts at Christmas (what did your DH say when you were given a headband?).

Mean with money, mean with love is the saying that comes to mind here. He can still maintain a relationship with these people if he wants to but it does not follow at all that you and your children meekly have to. What will your children learn from them apart from seeing that their parents get disrespected every visit on some level.

Imv there is no way anyone as stingey as your ILs actually wants to cater for visitors that often.

Absolutley nuts. Are you sure they aren't 'OMG you have to tell your DB that they can't come over again, it's too much'

Once a year is enough.

Where did DH get the idea that it should be 6 times a year. Is it some tradition of visiting his GPs or something??? Madness.

If your dh doesn't particularly enjoy it either then why does he want to do it?
I don't really know anyone who feels obliged to visit a sibling like this. Parental visits yes, siblings not so much unless they're close anyway and WANT to hang out together, and even then I don't know why spouses have to be involved. If he thinks it's a chore, then 6/7 weekends a year seems excessive to me.

How does he feel about visiting your family so often?

Mean with money, mean with love is the saying that comes to mind here

I never understand this saying.

Just because people don't spend money on x y or z it doesn't mean theyou are 'mean' or 'tight'.

It doesn't matter how much someone earns. Unless you know the ins and outs of people's financial commitments you can't possibly know how much disposable income people have!

6 hours away?! Sod that, that alone would be the clincher for me.

God that is a bit much if they live 6 hours away! My in laws live a similar distance and we do summer and Christmas and that's it! Just say no. Especially if he finds it a chore too! Do the ever come to you? Why are you always making the effort?

OPs relatives actions are also not very loving ones are they?. Leaving out 6 slices of toast for six people is tight fisted, people will go hungry. Even the OP herself describes these people as tight.

What would you say if you were given such a headband for Christmas?. You perhaps would be too surprised to actually say anything.

What sort of person hands over a £2 handmade hairband as a Christmas present?. No thought has gone into such a gift at all; its just been picked up last minute and on the fly. Its also a very passive aggressive gesture to make showing the OP just how little she is thought of.

They are six hours away?
What sort of fuckaboutery is that?!
Do your sil and bil even want the visitations?

Just a thought but do you get invited by them or does dh invite himself? Maybe they don't like it very much and find it equally as tedious - hence no effort to make it more comfortable?

Ye gads, no way would I spend 6 weekends a year on a bed I couldn't sleep on, with people unable to provide the correct quantity of food or indeed welcome.

I don't know how far in advance these things are organised, but you could get on to the calendar now and start putting other things in there. Maybe book your DC into a Saturday morning class of some description, preferably costly, that can't be missed.

Or tell your DH that you're prepared to go 2 times during the year and when would he like to put these in.

DH is close to his Dsis and in fact I get on with them as well, but we only see them 2-3 times a year and they live 3 hour drive away. We do go on holiday with them once a year, but that might be worse than the weekends !

OP?

Agree with everything said. Make a stance, OP.

What sort of person hands over a £2 handmade hairband as a Christmas present?. No thought has gone into such a gift at all; its just been picked up last minute and on the fly.

Or maybe made by the SIL herself because she thought she might like it. OK widely missed the mark, and not very substantial but homemade doesn't always mean picked up at last minute.

My FIL used to invite himself and his wife every weekend. I have no family and did not like this. I couldn't relax on the Saturday as I knew they were coming on Sunday. Plus they ring loads. Eventually I told DH it was too much. Now the kids are older we don't see them as much, have to spend Christmas Day with them but I've stopped it being Boxing Day as well. I want that day for us at home since I don't get the Christmas day I want. FIL still rings far too much and wants to know stuff that really doesn't affect him. I remind myself they are getting on and won't be here for ever so I'm resigned to it being years before we can have CD on our own.

When we were invited for Sunday dinner I just didn't go sometimes. I had had enough. Not sure how PIL felt about it but I'm not bothered tbh.

OP, you are an adult and your own person and don't have to go if you don't want. It's your husbands issue if he can't/won't go on his own and insists on going every two months then he needs to find a way to make it better. Don't be treated like a child who isn't allowed to say no anymore.

I should say I do like my PIL. I just find it hard being in a family situation as I never grew up with one.

What sort of person hands over a £2 handmade hairband as a Christmas present?.

Someone who clearly cannot be bothered, that is who. Handmade or not, its an awful thing to hand over as a present for Christmas. Adults generally do not hand over such an item as presents. More pertinently why did this relative of OPs think this was at all acceptable to give as a gift in the first place?.

Am I missing the obvious here?
If you don't like so much about their house invite them to yours!
At the end of the day this is why we have friends because friends are the families we choose and that it.

Someone who clearly cannot be bothered, that is who. Handmade or not, its an awful thing to hand over as a present for Christmas.

In your opinion.

I actually know of a couple of people who would really like this sort of thing.

I can see why they come over to yours albeit six hours away because your DH goes overboard on the food, drink and presents. Has he ever explained to you why he has such a sense of obligation towards these ungrateful and selfish people?.

"I actually know of a couple of people who would really like this sort of thing."

Really and as a Christmas present as well?. What if you were given this?. What is this other than awkward for the receiver?.

Really and as a Christmas present as well?

Yes. Why is that so difficult to believe!?

What if you were given this?

Pointless for me as I have short hair. But in the past yes.

What is this other than awkward for the receiver?

How on earth is it awkward for the receiver.

How is it difficult to understand that just because you wouldn't like it it doesn't mean others wouldn't.

What a weird setup. That's like one in every eight weekends! Travelling 12 hours to somewhere you don't want to be! You need to lay it on the line for your dh. That's not far off access visits for divorced parents!

TBH the presents are irrelevant.

My DM who loves me dearly gave me a wrapped roll of clingfilm once for Christmas. It was one of the posh £4.99 plastic boxes, but still - clingfilm.

Some people are just rubbish gift givers, wouldn't bother me if they were hospitable and fed me properly.

I agree that 6-7 weekends is too much and you should be able to cut that down, or invite them to your house more often instead.

But, when you are there, can't you speak up more about the things you don't like? I mean, you're assuming that they don't care that you're unhappy when actually they might care a great deal. Some of this could be misunderstanding that could be cleared up with a conversation or two.

Maybe they've posted here before about how you visit them but have nothing in common, and you spend all your time with the children so they are forced to busy themselves with the dogs, and they love handmade gifts but you never give them any.

If it was me I would not grumble about lack of food, I would ask for another slice of toast, or a biscuit with my tea, or are there any potatoes left please.

I wouldn't sit with the kids while they sat with the dogs. I'd say this is no good, we came to see you and somehow we're all separate, let's go for a walk.

I think I'd probably say let's forget Xmas gifts for the adults from now on, concentrate on the children.

I don't know. They're family and the relationship is obviously important to your DH. They don't sound rude or horrible, just different to you. Moaning about stuff when you haven't given them the opportunity to put it right is daft, like complaining about a terrible meal in a restaurant after you've arrived home.