How do I reduce the time that I see SIL and BIL? DH won't listen!

[Mrstumbletap]

We spend probably about 6/7 weekends with my SIL and BIL over a year. But if find it so much hard work, I have nothing in common with any of them, have been with DH for 5 years, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. SIL/BIL I find so dull, struggle to make conversation with them & usually find myself just looking after their kids while they potter about with their dogs. We don't read the same books, like the same music, like the same TV, have the same hobbies, for example DH and I like to go on holiday they don't. As they live 6 hours away we stay for the weekend several times a year and it's a struggle.

Their spare bed is awful and tiny so I don't sleep well the entire weekend, DS has to sleep on an air bed so his moving about on the mattress keeps me awake. The food portions they serve are ridiculous, for example 6 slices of toast for breakfast between 6 adults, it's all very help yourself first come first serve. So if you don't get in there quick you may get nothing. But when they come to us they get the blooming royal treatment as my DH always goes overboard with food, drink, presents etc.

Another awkward Xmas with them this year with the usual SIL buying me strange gifts that cost £2 or £3 that I have never shown interest in, such as a small gardening book or handmade hair band (I'm 35) This isn't due to money they both have very good jobs and earn very well a lot more than me and DH, they are just unbelievably tight. It's awkward because they are the sort of family that will go bowling and then the SIL/BIL won't play because it's £10 a head so me and my DH will play with their kids while they sit back and watch.

DH knows that I don't want to spend as much time with them as we do, but says they are my family what can I do? So basically it's tough luck. My family live close so we may pop to see my DM and DF once a week or so but for an hour, so he has no comparison to a long awkward weekend.

I want to to say once a year is enough, and he can go the other times on his own, but I know he won't agree as he finds it a chore spending time with them too and wants me there. Do I just suck it up and just keep going? Advice appreciated what would you do??

It sounds like your husbands word is law OP - is this really how you live your life, or is it just this issue?

He doesn't get to tell you you have to go. He can simply go alone and say it is inconvenient for you to come every visit with him. Why is he making such a huge deal out of this?

If he threatens not to come and see your parents/family then so what? As you said, he won't keep to it anyway, and I imagine you don't want him with you every time you see them anyway?

He finds it very hard to say No to SIL and BIL (is SIL his sister?) but incredibly easy to say No to you. You need to reverse this situation.

Time to put your Big Girl Pants on and stick to your guns.

"So, why shouldn't the OP's DH feel the same way?"

Well, call me a cynic, but it's convenient for him & forces OP to do what he says!

And you were put under pressure when you were ill??!!

Really though, what do these men think will happen if they don't get their own way?

I've tested this for over 10 years. We had a big showdown about it 12 years ago which neither of us will forget as it took our marriage a long time to recover. I think its rubbish that the in-laws will look at it so badly, but for some reason my Dh doesn't and the Op's DH doesn't seem to either. I've put a lot of effort into this but never been able to see DH's POV.

The one time I did get out of it (which, coincidentally was the most recent time), DH went with the children and they all had a good time. Its given me hope that maybe if I just put a little more effort into it, I'll be able to get out of it from time to time going forward. So, my advice for the OP is fight through it as early in your marriage as you can, because it doesn't get easier if you just let it go another year, and you will come to resent it eventually.

Var, in your case then after the "showdown" you just gave in to your DH over it for many, many years. Presumably because he would be unpleasant if you didn't.

There are other options.

var you are coming across as a surrendered wife here. Who made DH the boss of you?

Well, I think that it's a bullying tactic.

Is there somewhere near(ish!) where your bil and sil live that you could just say right, I'm going to use the opportunity as we're here to go to xx castle or yy town or zz shopping centre for the day by myself to explore/shop/whatever as I've always wanted to, dh can look after the kids, there are extra snacks for them here in the bag in case they're hungry as they've got growing appetites. Bye, see you this evening... I wouldn't even give dh any warning of your plan so he doesn't have a chance to say no, or to say that there are other things planned or decide that everyone should go. Just come downstairs in the morning, bag already packed on your shoulder, say you're off, you're leaving them to do some family bonding without you cluttering things up and go. That will help set the scene for you not going and doing things there - or being free to go off again - in the future.

Even if you have to invent somewhere to go or you just take a lap top in the car to watch a dvd on sitting in a car park. Or if you have to drive an hour or three to get there, sounds like anywhere will be quite a drive if they're are so rural. So that although you are technically visiting your IL's you're escaping. If the others don't like it then so what - they're quite happy to make you do something you don't like!

I'd also tell dh straight that this year you are only going to go to their house twice this year, and that doesn't include xmas. And that if he insists on going more that's fine but you're not going to be going too - you'll be going on a spa break or to see friends or whatever - it doesn't matter, you will have plans on the extra weekends he goes. Likewise, if they come to you more than twice, you won't be around to host, he will need to do it all.

And finally, say you think he should spend a long weekend at your parents just once, so that he gets what it is like to be stuck somewhere that you feel ill at ease, awkward, hungry and bored. Although it sounds like he will have a far better deal than you have as the drive isn't as long and he gets on with your dp!

Wow! How come there isn't proper food even? Cut your visits down to may be 3/4 times a year and tell husband to go by himself on any other times for the rest. And of course, make a point of serving their favourite foods in their favourite portions when they come around. your kid will take care of it themselves as years go by. What kid would like to visit relations who don't even serve proper food?

No, that wasn't why. I didn't want to go when heavily pregnant. I got bullied into going, with DH flicking away my reasons for not going.
When I was there, things went wrong that had a very bad effect on my health. I blamed him for a long time afterwards. Our marriage very nearly ended over it as I couldn't forgive him (and he offered that with hindsight it may have been better for me to have not felt obliged to go but who could have predicted that?? And me screaming back that I predicted it. etc - you can imagine the rows.)
Then, even despite all that, he still felt that I should be there for subsequent trips, although there were a lot fewer of them for a few years afterwards.
For me, its not that bad actually. Its just that stirs up the ghosts of those difficult years.

Sorry, Op. I don't want to derail your thread. Its not about me.

All I am trying to say is that this has been the source of many, many arguments over the years between DH and I. I am still fighting with him over it. I think i am winning at last - based on the conclusion of our most recent argument about it - but he is stubborn (as I am) and I wish that I'd just been more determined in the beginning as it would have saved a lot of trouble.

"He finds it very hard to say No to SIL and BIL (is SIL his sister?) but incredibly easy to say No to you."

This. Well said. Funny isn't it how these men bend over backwards to please themselves everyone but their wives.

OP and var, I feel for you both.

Thank you all, great advice and points made.

var* thank you that is good advice to sort it out now or ten years down the line I will be wishing I had put my foot down.

I don't hate going there, it's just not where we all have lots in common and sit around talking and laughing or having a drink in the evening at Xmas. They don't drink, which is fine but you feel a bit guilty getting out a bottle of wine for DH and I when they don't drink. But they both smoke and spend a lot of time in rotation with each other going outside, so sometimes it feels like we hardly see them anyway, hence the feeling like we/I am looking after their 3 children (well one is young teenager which doesn't require looking after but still spends more time with me than them in the day). I feel knackered enough with my own DS without going up there to spend 2 days looking after theirs while they stand in the garden.

DH does agree with the points I make but I think he feels a bit awkward to make up a reason I don't want to go as much without it seeming like I'm in a mood with them, which I'm not, they are just not my family and it's uncomfortable for 2/3 days at a time, so many weekends a year.

But it's his responsibility to deal with his in laws not mine, I'm putting my foot down and he is going to have to sort it! I like the nuclear family reference above its true, this is his family too and it should inform his decision making just as much.

what excuse can he give as to why I'm not there?

why do you need a 'reason'?! it's your life, you can do what you want with it -and there's plenty of other things you could be spending the time and money on that endless visits to the in laws. Personally, i would decide how many weekends was comfortable for me (incl the ones where they visit you) and stick to that number only. Let dh whinge, moan, pout and strop - he's a grown man and if he can't establish his boundaries then that's his problem.

When they mention future dates just stick to 'we'll let you know once we've decided', when they get pushy just say 'we've got a lot on' but not give them any details.

your dh is just too chicken shit to change the status quo and too bothered by others opinions. he'll soon stop whingeing and stop the constant visits once has to deal with them on his own. i guess at the minute he just kicks back while you do all the work and have to hover around?

Agree that an excuse is not necessary but if it makes you feel better:

Migraine
On antibiotics and feeling ropey
Work colleague's leaving do
Night out with friends arranged far in advance
Birthday party DC has been invited to that you don't want them to miss so you're staying behind with them
Visiting close friend who's in hospital
Doing a training course
Shopping with your mum to choose new curtains for her
You have ticket to the theatre or some other non movable event
You have to work or catch up on work

That's about 2 years' worth...

Why do you need an excuse? He could simply tell them the truth that you don't want to visit. Far better than lying.

You know what, whatever he tells them, they'll think whatever they want to!

Or they might be like my ILs & not actually care either way!

I often don't attend. A mixture of reasons. I've had a bad cold/flu, a friends birthday party to attend, Christmas shopping to do or helping a friend move house. It doesn't matter what really as the fact is that I'm double booked and will go with my original arrangement.

Let your DH be daft and not attend your mothers. You can explain to her why he's being so pedantic

Instead of lots of weekends can you suggest a family holiday together ?

Rent a cottage or go to Centre Parks or somewhere where there is plenty to do, so that if you wanted you could split up into smaller groups you can , but all meet up later in the day

Or as someone else suggested stay in a hotel near, so that you can visit a town or local point of interest, but still go to visit

Or I cannot see why your partner/husband cannot visit on his own

I think weekend should be you, dh and little one not extended family.
Can I ask why you went along with it in the first place?
If it's not something you were willing to do. wild horses wouldn't make me give my time up for something I didn't want to do.

Send your dh on his own and tell him you have your own family now and want to concentrate on your child at weekends.
Just don't go.

I would follow them outside to 'finish the conversation' when they sneak off for a fag. Leaving you with the DCs is copping out. They won't get a peaceful fag when you aren't there as DCs will interrupt so if you mess up their quiet puff ( I was a smoker and can imagine how annoying it would be to always have to stop mid way to see to DCs) your visits might be less welcome.

Or you could go out to get something from the car or go into the kitchen to make a coffee for yourself. Just upset their and DH's routine. You are upstairs putting on makeup or whatever and they are then obliged to look after the DCs.

Also insist on, say, brisk walks as you are now on a get fit quick regime. Or anything that you know they won't want to do. Ask them to watch your DCs as you are jogging - just upset things so it's no longer a 'break' for them having you there.

If they don't make enough toast go to the kitchen and make more, help with the cooking and make more.
Why you put up with that for more than 1 visit i will never understand, why people insist on being 'polite' in the face of rudeness baffles me

This would totally do my head in. I see my SILs / BILs possibly twice a year, and even at that it is for a few hours, and it is a level we are all happy with.

Funnily, DH hates seeing them on his own - he says they will think it is odd if he goes on his own, and that he really needs my support when he sees them. SILs can be quite nasty to him (always as a joke ) and he says they are better behaved when I am there.

I agree, you need to put your foot down now if you don't want it to continue. I have back and neck problems which would mean a 6 hour journey to visit anyone would be completely out of the question - especially if there was an uncomfortable bed at the end.

my DH then gets ridiculous and says "fine I won't see your family either then"

If he wants to be stupid and childish, let him.

That shouldn't impact on your decision to see them no more than twice a year.

It sounds like they're inviting you for free childcare.

Suppose you decide to see them quarterly? They come to you at Easter, you go them in the summer etc... You could just take the initiative and invite them for Easter now. Then if they suggest you come up to see them before then, just reply that you are not sure you fancy the long drive there and back in the winter months, but you will come to them when its warmer.
Then at Easter, when they invite you again, suggest sometime in June.
Then say you don't want to be tied down for July and August but how about they come to you once the schools are back and they've got themselves settled again - say Late September. Then Christmas.

(Except I'd be avoiding Christmas and get it out of the way either before Christmas or for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year.

They'll get the message - but you need to stop your DH agreeing to anything until he's cleared it with you first as he's not sure what you are doing.

Your DH will hate this, especially if he has the embarrassment of having to go back to them and say that you can't do any dates before the one that's already been pre-arranged. It will help him form the habit of saying no immediately, rather than making it worse for himself by appearing to be under the thumb!

If your Dh is like mine, then this might work.