How do I reduce the time that I see SIL and BIL? DH won't listen!

[Mrstumbletap]

We spend probably about 6/7 weekends with my SIL and BIL over a year. But if find it so much hard work, I have nothing in common with any of them, have been with DH for 5 years, it doesn't seem to be getting any better. SIL/BIL I find so dull, struggle to make conversation with them & usually find myself just looking after their kids while they potter about with their dogs. We don't read the same books, like the same music, like the same TV, have the same hobbies, for example DH and I like to go on holiday they don't. As they live 6 hours away we stay for the weekend several times a year and it's a struggle.

Their spare bed is awful and tiny so I don't sleep well the entire weekend, DS has to sleep on an air bed so his moving about on the mattress keeps me awake. The food portions they serve are ridiculous, for example 6 slices of toast for breakfast between 6 adults, it's all very help yourself first come first serve. So if you don't get in there quick you may get nothing. But when they come to us they get the blooming royal treatment as my DH always goes overboard with food, drink, presents etc.

Another awkward Xmas with them this year with the usual SIL buying me strange gifts that cost £2 or £3 that I have never shown interest in, such as a small gardening book or handmade hair band (I'm 35) This isn't due to money they both have very good jobs and earn very well a lot more than me and DH, they are just unbelievably tight. It's awkward because they are the sort of family that will go bowling and then the SIL/BIL won't play because it's £10 a head so me and my DH will play with their kids while they sit back and watch.

DH knows that I don't want to spend as much time with them as we do, but says they are my family what can I do? So basically it's tough luck. My family live close so we may pop to see my DM and DF once a week or so but for an hour, so he has no comparison to a long awkward weekend.

I want to to say once a year is enough, and he can go the other times on his own, but I know he won't agree as he finds it a chore spending time with them too and wants me there. Do I just suck it up and just keep going? Advice appreciated what would you do??

Wow, only on MN could a post about not wanting to spend quite so much time with family be escalated into how they are selfish thoughtless people who should be avoided. .

So, out of 365 days of the year the op sees her sil for just fourteen of those days max, yet they see her parents every week and somehow that is ok?

While I agree that perhaps the regularity with which they travel to see SIL/BIL could be quietly reduced, talk of how they were only given a gift worth £2 for Christmas is entirely petty and materialistic.

Also, to those who only see their ILs once a year, When you become a mil, how do you think you will feel when you only see your ds once a year because his wife refuses to see you more?

" how do you think you will feel when you only see your ds once a year because his wife refuses to see you more?"

Why would your son visiting be dependent on your DIL?

Popping in to see someone for an hour each week is on a different level to all-weekend stays a long way from home. And mostly people have said cut it down.

If they also come to you, OP, how many times to you actually get together for weekends in a whole year? It sounds like a lot. More than I see family or close friends who don't live near me (who I actually like). I'd go with saying you'll do 4 visits a year, 2 going to them, 2 them coming to you. And change what happens during visits as Songbird suggested.

People like this BIL and SIL are not hospitable but hostile and self serving. Their whole demeanour including the gift giving suggests a total lack of interest in the OP and her H. OPs H is also a problem here because of his own misplaced sense of obligation when it comes to his relatives.

Family are not binding.

I don't really understand what you mean when you say you want to go maybe once a year, and the rest of the time he can go himself, but he won't agree.

Do you mean he will refuse to go himself the other weekends? If so, that's not really a problem is it?

Or do you mean he will wrestle you physically into the car against your will? Unlikely!

He can "not agree" all he likes. You are an adult and are able to make choices about where you go and what you do. It seems you are spending a huge amount of your leisure time visiting them, and you don't want to. You aren't trying to control him - he can still go. He is trying to control you - does he do this in other ways?

As for an excuse, he just says it isn't convenient for you to visit us often as you used to.

There's another thread running where the man hates visiting the ILs at christmas for a four day stay and the consensus was to suck it up. Completely different responses when it's the woman who doesn't want to go.

If he dutifully tags along every week to see your parents then you should do the same for his family. Neither family should be priority.

How would you feel if your son meets a woman who believes they should only visit his family once a year? Presumably you'd be happy with that given its what you intend to do yourself.

autumn did you miss the bits where OP says SIL lives 6 hours away? It's clearly not the same as popping round the corner to see someone for an hour.

Also, she isn't stopping DH from seeing his family, that clearly isn't her intention from the posts so far anyway. She is just saying she doesn't want to go.

Finally, it isn't PILS, so all the stuff about "how will you feel when it's your son" is a moot point. Or as Joey would say, a Moo Point.

The real issue here is with the dh. He knows the op is unhappy about the visits, but refuses to discuss it. In a loving relationship, I would expect to talk things through and come to some sort of compromise. Or at least have a discussion where he shows some concern for her feelings.

As for the 'they are my family' line, it's nonsense, just another way of shutting you up. When you get married, you form a family. You are his family op. He should be prioritising you.

6/7 times a year is an awful lot of visits. My DB and SIL live 250 miles away and we get on very well, but we only see them perhaps 3/4 times a year. I think you need to be more assertive and just say no. As your DS gets older you will probably find it harder to factor in free weekends for visits when he is doing stuff/going to birthday parties etc. Hopefully it should die a natural death in time.

autumn I was on the dh's side on that other thread. There is a certain amount of socialising and time spent with the in laws to be expected within most people's families, but I think protracted and/or overly frequent visitations can be too much of an ask.
It's fine if everyone gets on and enjoys it, but that's not always the case. I don't think it's something that should be forced.

The two men are brothers, are they? It sounds as though they like to get together. Your husband wants company for the journey and the last thing he wants is to take your child on his own. He doesn't care that you are babysitting his nephews and nieces, as long as he doesn't have to do it. What are your husband and brother in law doing with themselves all day when you're there?

I assumed it was his sister and her dh, as the OP always puts SIL first when describing them.
Not that it makes any difference I suppose.

OP - my family live 3 hours away and we visit 6 times a year but come back the same day. My nieces come to us for a week in the summer with my mother.

If they were 6 hours away, we visited once and got backache from the bed, and no food, and shite presents - then I'd say 'thanks but we will stay in a BNB as I get backache and will pop over during the day'.

We love visiting dh's family but they live a similar distance away and we go once or twice a year. We couldn't afford or have time to go more often.

Ive booked my 3 year old into swimming classes on a Saturday afternoon, every weekend! It's really limiting our weekend visiting

There's another thread running where the man hates visiting the ILs at christmas for a four day stay and the consensus was to suck it up. Completely different responses when it's the woman who doesn't want to go

I thought this too

You could try to go for the natural death option.

How does the next visit get booked?

Try to make the next date inconvenient for you. This be easier when DS has swimming lessons or whatever he HAS to go to [smile) so the visit has to be put back by 2-3 weeks.

If every weekend has to be put back by 2-3 weeks then suddenly 6-7 weekends a year has naturally become 4-5 - result! Any chance more DCs are on the way? And anyway you might have a migraine for one of those 4 weekends so he has to go on his own - bet your DH would hate it if he was looking after DS, not hanging out with his brother.

Then when you are there - can I have another slice of toast? Ostentatiously bring out loaf of bread you have packed as they never provide enough. DS is hungry, what else have you got, he's a growing boy, grumble, grumble grumble, open picnic in living room.

Announce you've brought your own air bed as their spare bed is so uncomfortable - make it bloody clear to them they are crap hosts. I bet they love you coming as they get a weekend of free childcare from you - anyway you cat get your DH on side so you agree not to join in on this?

Aside from the suggestions re calendars and putting your foot down, when you are there, is it somewhere where there are local museums or other attractions you'd be OK to visit, so as to be out of their house a fair bit?

Once you've got the number of visits down to a manageable number, book yourself a hotel room locally to their house - claim back pain means you are now fussy about where you sleep and lovely as it is to see them, you can't cope with their spare bed for now. Then you get sleep, hopefully breakfast served in the morning and a separate place to go if you find yourself being used for childcare when you don't want to be.

Another alternative might be to devote yourself to having a [different sort of] nice weekend by spending it with all the children - take them all out yourself and have a good time entertaining them, whilst avoiding your in laws.

Decide how many of these weekends you can tolerate for the sake of compromise (eg one in summer and one in winter), go on those, and tell your DH he can go alone or with DS for any additional weekends that he wants to spend in his S and BIL's company.

You don't have to go on any trips you don't want to go on.
He too is a grown up and can travel without you on occasion.

Just decide what you're willing to do, and do that. He can make his own choices, too.

Thank you all for your responses, I have read them all and to try and answer a few questions 2/3 of those weekends will be at our house and it is less stressful regarding food but the rest of it is the same, awkward conversations, nothing in common etc.

Yes they definitely want us to go there or to come down to us they are the ones leading that, if we try and get out of it, they keep firing other dates at us. I think 3 times a year would be fine, but as soon as we meet the next meet up starts getting discussed, I try and keep dates vague and tie it in with events but then they want to come 6 weeks after that etc, it feels relentless.

I have said why dont you go on your own and he says what your DH says Var123 that it will look weird or like we have had an argument and what excuse can he give as to why I'm not there?

I am absolutely going to start putting dates on the calendar for next year and have them cemented in.

In comparison to my family my family equates to 1 hour a week, so even if he saw them every week which he doesn't at all, its a 1 hour coffee or a dinner and then gone, maximum would be 40 hours a year. I spend nearly that in one long weekend, it's quite intense, when you don't naturally get on to spend 3 days with another family.

To answer a few more, I have looked there are no hotels nearby, they live in a very remote village, that would be ideal.

And I agree it is also down to my DH to support me a bit more or go on his own, I think an Xmas visit, they come here in the summer, we go up there autumn is fine or vice versa. But it would be me battling all of them to try and get this arrangement. As I just get told "but it's my family what can I do?" my DH then gets ridiculous and says "fine I won't see your family either then", he can be ridiculous in an argument and says "do you think I want to see your parents?" But my response is "you don't have to, you are the one asking to come as you want to borrow my DFs drill/lawnmower talk about golf etc". I put him under no pressure.

Don't get me wrong SIL/BIL are not horrible, they are just older and we are on different wavelengths, I think it would be fine in smaller doses, it just the smaller doses bit I am having trouble with getting. In an ideal world my DH would support me and say I will go in July without you and take DS but he would never do that, he does definitely feel obliged and can't say no to them, not me it seems.

You have choices here. Including to be assertive and just see them less! You don't even have to give any reasons to them for not wishing to visit or host a visit.

Your H sounds unpleasant over this to say the least.

They can't invite themselves to your home. What your H says to the in laws about cancelled / not confirmed dates is his problem!

You need to do more foot stamping than them then, so it's easier for him to give into you that them!

What a load of twaddle about going alone looks bad or as if something is wrong!

Tell him that if he keeps saying yes to them & demanding that you go then there bloody well will soon be something wrong!

diddl - its not twaddle, my DH definitely says that and believes it. So, why shouldn't the OP's DH feel the same way? I just thought that made some families had different dynamics than the one I grew up in.

OP- I get the same bicker, bicker stuff too about not seeing my family. Except, for me its no threat. I just say "Fine, don't come. No one will mind as long as you don't say you are avoiding them".

In nearly 20 years, I have had one time off - when I was ill. Even then I was put under a lot of pressure to go. Dh has an answer for everything. It doesn't always make sense but he will argue it blind. His specialist tactic is to provoke a fight so that things escalate and we both end up saying things we don't mean. Then when we make up, its hard to rewind everything except the bit where I say I don't want to go.

OP, If you have them coming to you too, and continually pressing for dates, then I think you need to start a decoration project for your spare room that involves taking the bed apart or fill it with junk that you need to sort out slowly. Then just refuse to put a date in the diary until the room is ready again ... but lol, we keep meaning to do it but never seem to have the chance.... etc., etc. Eventually they will stop asking and find something else to do.