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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really trying hard not to..

129 replies

suchstuffasbaddreamsaremadeof · 30/12/2015 18:08

Text a man who has repeatedly just shown he has no respect for me, just wants me for sex and doesn't really treat me even as a friend. I have had NC with him for five days and i just want to text him really badly. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
firesidechat · 31/12/2015 12:36

Honestly Different do you really think you are acting in the op's best interests? No one wants to see posters arguing amongst themselves. It's a big distraction. Report if you feel that strongly about it.

firesidechat · 31/12/2015 12:36

I can't see that AF has broken any mn rules though.

clam · 31/12/2015 12:49

Was it DC who started that deleted thread about certain posters s/he hated?
You're derailing the thread, DC, which is possibly more damaging than what you're accusing AF of doing. Pack it in.

clam · 31/12/2015 12:51

And actually, if you RTFT properly, AF just posted, "pathetic," as in the behaviour, not "you're pathetic." There's a difference there.

amarmai · 31/12/2015 12:52

do you think you are the only woman he is doing? Do you want to catch something nasty?

Joysmum · 31/12/2015 12:53

Your choice OP, you can carry on choosing to be used as a sex doll if you want.

What makes you keep get drawn back? If it good sex or is it the false hope that he might actually start to show you some consideration and want you for you are, rather than just as a sex toy?

I think I'd help you to think very carefully about what's drawing you back to be used as you are so you can understand and begin to change it.

If you don't bother doing this you'll continue to be used, and I agree with AF, it would be pathetic to bleat on about being s martyr to something you're making no effort to change.

Your choice.

spudlike1 · 31/12/2015 12:57

I think DC is trying to be helpful and kind
And so is AF . Same , same but different approaches that's all .
Not sure either approach will work though poster is set on her path ..hey ho

Whocansay · 31/12/2015 12:58

OP just delete his number and forget him. Why do you want to demean yourself and let him use you as a piece of meat?

Lexigrey · 31/12/2015 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HooseRice · 31/12/2015 13:02

OP start today again. Delete his number. Block him, then move on.

You are not pathetic or a piece of shit.

I've been in your shoes, many years ago and it is just a case of simply not lifting the phone to them. See friends, family or do activities you enjoy that make you feel good. Five days will become 5 weeks..,then 5 years and in my case 25 years.

MorrisZapp · 31/12/2015 13:04

Delete his number. If lightning strikes and he wants to contact you again, he has countless options for doing so.

I was just like you, back in the day. Generally, if you contact a guy, he will cheerfully meet up for a shag.

But then you're back at square one again. To me, it doesn't count as 'contact' in these situations unless he contacts you unprompted. Sorry.

spudlike1 · 31/12/2015 13:10

She's not listening Hmm

laurierf · 31/12/2015 13:32

OP - I think you are behaving pathetically. You know he has treated you with no respect, has used you for sex, and not even bothered to try to pretend to treat you with a bit of friendship (which should make it easier as the pretending to be a friend whilst treating you like shit is a real headfuck). To not delete his number from your address book and block his number from your phone when you KNOW that to be the case is pathetic behaviour.

You are by no means alone in behaving this way - many, many of us have done it and regretted it. There was a long thread on here about 'limerence'. People were talking about different sorts of experiences on that thread but most of them were talking about being in the situation you are in now and how badly it screwed things up for them.

When I was in your position, my friends were supportive even though I was pissing them off royally by behaving so pathetically (though a few made their distance). Actually, I get that many were being lovely friends by allowing me to bang on about it and being sympathetic but it just perpetuated and exacerbated the problem. Finally, one friend gave it to me straight and told me that I wasn't behaving like myself (i.e. I was being utterly pathetic), to STFU and never talk about this person ever again. EVER. Yes it was a verbal slap in the face, but it was by far the best thing someone could have done for me in that situation.

Take control of your life and delete and block now. On that 'limerence' thread there were many stories of people losing friends, jobs, marriages, health… that all sounds very dramatic and not like you're situation I'm sure… but actually many, many people started down that path in just the place you are right now. As someone else said - new year, new start.

Duckdeamon · 31/12/2015 13:35

OP, make 2016 a year where you like and care for yourself and avoid fuckwits like this bloke.

You're wasting your time and it's not fun: loads better people and things to spend time on.

laurierf · 31/12/2015 13:53

Are there men out there that suffer this (contacting a woman who they know will use and reject them )

Yes, there are. I had a male friend who was utterly convinced that he'd win her over at some point if he kept coming back for more and she'd realise he was "the one." Years of his life wasted and friends taking it turns to have to be the one to sit next to him in the pub because they were so sick of it.

Original poster
suchstuffasbaddreamsaremadeof · 31/12/2015 13:56

I am listening. And i know I've got to do something about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
suchstuffasbaddreamsaremadeof · 31/12/2015 13:59

It's good to hear other people have been through this. I can't believe i texted him! I was really trying so hard not to, and i was pleased that i had managed five days NC, which had been very very hard.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 31/12/2015 14:08

I can't believe i texted him! I was really trying so hard not to

So why did you? Until you address that you are going to keep doing the same thing time after time.

laurierf · 31/12/2015 14:09

i know I've got to do something about this

You also know what you've got to do - delete and block. You can't say you're trying really hard not to text him when you won't delete his phone number.

Leelu6 · 31/12/2015 14:09

DifferentCats - I've reported you for creating a sock puppet account so it looks like someone is backing up your nasty comments to AF.

Leelu6 · 31/12/2015 14:12

Not cool.

laurierf · 31/12/2015 14:13

And OP… sorry but the 5 days NC and then caving has just made the whole situation even worse. He must be feeling really irresistible now and knows he has you on a lead.

Give yourself the best New Year gift - delete and block his number now.

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2015 14:15

Op I can asure you that your number is still on his phone and he wouldn't have even thought about deleting your number. Thus is because why would he delete it? You text him, he knows who it is as your name is next to the number. Then if he's so inclined he can get his oats, simple game on NSA sex

You know that if you don't contact him for a while he may even contact you as he may wonder where his buddy has got to and he wants his oats sorting.

If you want a relationship then you will prevent this from happening whilst you are giving him headspace

So don't contact and free your head and move on

AnyFucker · 31/12/2015 14:16

Op, lots of us have been through this. I made a complete dick myself over the first lad I slept with. I let him make a complete mug of me in a similar way you are acting. Loads of people tried to tell me he was shagging about everywhere. I didn't listen. Until one day I looked at him after another craven display of pathetic manchasing by me and thought "you are ugly inside and why am I compromising myself for someone like that ?"

I hope that happens for you very soon. The longer you keep putting yourself on harms way though, the more your self respect gets battered.

You can do this. You do have to do it for yourself though, not for a bunch of internet posters who can switch off the pc and go back to their own lives. Do it for you.

flanjabelle · 31/12/2015 14:20

Op, I think you need to look for some help, more than just mn. Could you look into counselling? Something makes you feel that you deserve to be treated like this, and that needs to be dealt with. It sounds like you have extremely low self esteem and are taking any scrap of attention from this man in order to feel worthwhile. The bar is set way too low op, you are worth more than this. I would really urge you to seek proper help to build yourself back up. It is possible to really truly believe you are worth more, and to find a real happy relationship.

The relationship with this man is a red herring, the problem is your relationship with yourself.

FWIW, AF I think you went too far here too. it may not be against the talk guidelines, but this poster sounds like she values herself as little as shit on the pavement. You calling her pathetic is not going to make her snap out of that, it is just going to make it worse. You are just kicking her when she is down.

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