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Relationships

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Original poster

OLD Mr frigid has got the hump with me

125 replies

junglejane111 · 27/12/2015 21:04

Had 8, yes 8 dates with a chap, who after all that time, couldn't bring himself to even hold my hand let alone put an arm around me - or horror of horrors - actually kiss me. After I delicately kissed him on the cheek, he turned to me & said 'I'm not ready for this'. So I quite rightly called it a day & said 'this isn't working out for me but (being polite) you're a lovely chap & I'd like to stay friends'. I got this response:

"Amazing how fine a line it is when a woman is seriously keen on a guy one minute , and then shelves him the next- when she doesn't get what she wants".

I feel sorry for him. But really, to not even be able to hold hands after 8 dates? I felt more like a sister/mother than a girlfriend. Tell me I'm normal.

OP posts:

TooSassy · 31/12/2015 23:40

To respond to a PP.

But that's because of your expectation and your belief of what is normal isn't it? Based on your previous experience of dating and maybe your friends' experiences. Not because you need that kiss. So people are being pressured into behaviour that is the current fashion rather than necessarily what they both want.

gwenhwyfar i think it would be disingenuous of me to say that my response isn't based on my version of 'normal'. With regards to 'needing' something. Well yes. If I'm dating someone (as opposed to the many other business colleagues etc I meet daily), then yes I'm dating to achieve slightly more than I achieve with the people I meet day to day. That slightly more takes some form of physical affection. Not necessarily a kiss, but some intimacy. Lightly brushing fingers, caressing an arm, looking slightly too long at my dates lips. It's called building chemistry and excitement. If I wasn't doing any of those things then I may as well be having a drink with a friend. Well if I wanted a drink with a friend, I'd have a drink with a friend. I'm dating for a reason. That reason is not to find another friend.

And yes. If absolutely NOTHING slightly physical happened by date 3 I wouldn't be making it to date 4. Two people who are attracted to one another should have SOMETHING. I am also quite a tactile person naturally so this just wouldn't work for me anyway. Like I said everyone has a right to demand personal space and have that space fully respected. It just wouldn't work for me.

motherinferior · 31/12/2015 23:53

I'd be quite perplexed and offended by no sex on a third ok first date. Personally.

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 23:55

ha ha!

yeh, given that normal is perceived to be normal by a the majority of people (would that be true) maybe the onus is on the person who is a step to the right of 'normal' to clarify that. Certainly by date eight you'd hope for some explanation. erectile dysfunction or small willy

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 00:09

If someone didn't even want to touch me, I'd be horribly hurt by the fact they found me so unattractive.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 00:41

"I don't believe that it's the norm that the kisser has an expectation of sex after one kiss. "

Depends on the kind of kiss, as I mentioned above.

"do you feel you owe somebody sex if they have an expectation of sex!?"

No. I was just offering a possible explanation of why someone might want to wait for physical contact.

NoMore314 · 01/01/2016 00:42

come eer gwen, giss a kiss, happy new year, mwah, mwah!

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 00:43

"f I'm dating someone (as opposed to the many other business colleagues etc I meet daily), then yes I'm dating to achieve slightly more than I achieve with the people I meet day to day. That slightly more takes some form of physical affection. "

Well, yes, but you don't need it by date 3. I think the reason you would dump someone for not putting out by date 4 is more to do with your idea of what is normal and maybe an assumption that the person doesn't fancy you if they want to wait. I can't believe you really can't wait for 4 dates.

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 00:49

Of course you need some kind of signal that they fancy you! What's so odd about that?

If someone gives you no sign that they're sexually interested in you, the obvious consult

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 00:51

(Sorry)
Obvious conclusion to draw is that they are not interested. And yes that is in some ways dictated by contemporary sexual mores but there have always been ways to signal that interest. A bit of flirtation

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 01:15

"normal is perceived to be normal by a the majority of people (would that be true) maybe the onus is on the person who is a step to the right of 'normal' to clarify that"

I suspected it, but didn't really know I was so abnormal before now! Everyone has a different view of what is normal.

TooSassy · 01/01/2016 08:33

Hold on. Since when did I say I expected putting out by date 3? Read my PP

some form of physical affection.

If that person didn't give me some signals that they found me attractive, of course I'm not going to keep going on dates with them! Physical signs that indicate they find me attractive is NOT putting out or even close. gwyn I think you have a misjudged sense of what physical affection indicates/ leads to. In my world it means nothing more than 'I kinda fancy you'. It's NOT a prelude to anything, it's not a promise to sex. It's flirting and building frisson. It's exciting!!!!

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 11:59

You can flirt without touching TooSassy. And I explained above why I think people may avoid physical contact if they think it will lead to an expectation of more.

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 12:19

Yes, you can flirt without touching... But if I was on what I thought was a date and someone flirted with me without touching me at all, once let alone eight times, I would be first confused, then hurt, then definitely put them in the 'not interested' mental box. In fact I'd conclude they were playing some kind of power game with me by flirting and then rejecting me. I realise that this might not be what was going on in their head but it would be a reasonable conclusion to draw if they hadn't made their feelings about sex/touching clear.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 12:29

motherinferior: but if they were willing to touch you and kiss you, but no more, you might also think it was a power game I suppose if that's how you look at things. I think the person is damned if they do and damned if they don't in this situation.

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 12:34

Yes, we'd just be incompatible. But explaining the ground rules would at least help not be hurtful.

fishfingersinmysandwiches · 01/01/2016 13:39

Waiting six months?!! Six months??!

I am not invalidating anyones choice here, or their entitlement to go at their own speed, but how did you not explode???

Jesus. I have been in the situation of being highly attracted to someone and yet not able to consumate the attraction for whatever reason and it is painful. I get aroused just sitting next to them. I'm desperate for physical contact.

It is just completely beyond my understanding really - this waiting and waiting. If you really fancy someone then how is it possible? It seems almost... masochistic

The only conclusion I can come to is that some people experience attraction/sexual feelings differently to others.

TooSassy · 01/01/2016 13:46

Lol.

I'll just put this out there. I want to kiss sooner rather than later. Nothing worse than building the connection and spending months on dates only to kiss and realise that the two of you combined does not equal hot kissing!

I dated a great guy in my twenties. We had a laugh etc etc. When he kissed me?
Awful. Our chemistry was just off. We didn't date any longer.

I need kisses that melt me inside. Only one way of finding out about that!

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 01/01/2016 14:26

fishfingers, I think it might really be as simple as different people being different. Surely that's easy to grasp? Your world experience is peculiar to you. What you find frustrating and unbearable, I find interesting and fulfilling. What you enjoy ie earlier sexual contact, I would find deeply uncomfortable and upsetting. Yet, I would never ask somebody on the other end of the spectrum how can you possibly do that complete with ???!!! How do you not feel physically awful???!!! Because I understand that everybody's different. It's very important to accept people's sexual boundaries without implying they're odd or implying they are riddled with meaning that simply isn't there. Just because you put your asides about small willies and ED behind a crossing out, doesn't mean you aren't implying that person's position is due to a perceived defect.

What is odd to me I suppose is the way people debate constantly over but he did x or didn't do y or doesn't no z by date 4 mean this or that or the other? I was nothing but clear with DH about my position and intentions. I don't do casual intimacy and it's because I am fundamentally uncomfortable with it. I am utterly clear about it. Or I was. It's been 17 years now. It's irrelevant today.

ForalltheSaints · 01/01/2016 15:06

You seem to have made the right decision to end the relationship.

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2016 15:17

Cumbria mum sums up nicely

He wants to lay the blame with you

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 16:41

No contact whatsoever is a bit more than 'sexual boundaries'. Maybe I'm a bit forward in my habits but I'm not all that out there.

You don't want to touch people. Fine. But that's not quite the same as 'taking things slowly' and it's not fair on the OP to imply that she's being out of order in her expectations

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 16:43

And - speaking as someone who did do 'casual intimacy' - and happily hugs and kisses anyone she comes across - holding hands isn't intimacy IMO.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/01/2016 16:49

"holding hands isn't intimacy IMO."

Well, most people in this country don't hold hands with friends and colleagues. Except for small children for safety reasons, hand holding is normally reserved for lovers, which is why I explained that someone wanting to take it slowly might avoid it so as not to give the wrong impression.

motherinferior · 01/01/2016 17:11

And the rest of my point - that no contact for six months is not what most of us think of as 'taking it slowly' and it's not fair on the OP to depict it as such.

fishfingersinmysandwiches · 01/01/2016 18:10

Fair enough Raxa No need to sound so defensive.

I do grasp it. That's why I wrote it.

Plus I didn't strike out any allusions to erectile dysfunction. I wrote them clearly. Because I think it is the most likely explanation to be honest. Not the only possible explanation, but the most likely one.

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