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Original poster

OLD Mr frigid has got the hump with me

125 replies

junglejane111 · 27/12/2015 21:04

Had 8, yes 8 dates with a chap, who after all that time, couldn't bring himself to even hold my hand let alone put an arm around me - or horror of horrors - actually kiss me. After I delicately kissed him on the cheek, he turned to me & said 'I'm not ready for this'. So I quite rightly called it a day & said 'this isn't working out for me but (being polite) you're a lovely chap & I'd like to stay friends'. I got this response:

"Amazing how fine a line it is when a woman is seriously keen on a guy one minute , and then shelves him the next- when she doesn't get what she wants".

I feel sorry for him. But really, to not even be able to hold hands after 8 dates? I felt more like a sister/mother than a girlfriend. Tell me I'm normal.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 31/12/2015 14:22

He sounds Asexual. No desire to get intimate at all.

Leelu6 · 31/12/2015 14:25

Rax - good on you for waiting till you're ready.

I realise I could say the same for OP's guy, but I think he sounds asexual.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/12/2015 14:55

Rax and gwen I assume you are upfront when you start dating about your preferred pace? That's perfectly fine as long as your dates are aware and can make up their own minds. Waiting weeks/months for sexual contact wouldn't work for me or a lot of people but I wouldn't disrespect a person for wanting to wait, I would probably just wish them well and move on.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 15:23

Obsidian, I just don't date because of that reason, but hadn't completely given up hope that I might find someone one day. It's a very difficult thing to bring up on a first date. I'm so sad that you find waiting even weeks for sexual contact unacceptable. I don't see how you can be comfortable with someone after less than a few weeks and because that's not strange to me I don't see why I have to apologise for it. If it's less than weeks then how can you even know the person?

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2015 15:28

I'm intrigued about the cash point thing, was it to pay for the whole date or just your share? Fair enough 8 dates without contact isn't usual but Mr Frigid?

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 31/12/2015 15:50

Was I upfront? Nah. I just distracted him whenever he looked like he was about to lean in. It's testament to my awesome imagination that he was distracted for a whole 6 months. WinkGrin

Of course I was honest. I suppose I'm what the young people like to refer to as demisexual. I need to know somebody and love them before I feel able to physically share that side of me. The very idea of intimacy soon into dating is uncomfortable in the extreme.

I make no judgement about the way other people do dating. In all honesty, I'd prefer to have been less conservative in temperament as it's not often easy to find somebody who doesn't see it as a poor reflection on them.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/12/2015 16:08

I'm so sad that you find waiting even weeks for sexual contact unacceptable

Why does that make you sad? You don't want to date me do you? It's unacceptable to me and that's my prerogative. We are all different. I don't need or want to get to know someone well before having sexual contact, for me the sex is part of getting to know. Again, what works for me.

TooSassy · 31/12/2015 16:15

His message back was passive aggressive bullshit.

It goes without saying that absolutely everyone has a right to physical contact (or zero physical contact) that falls within their boundaries.
However if you are dating and have gotten past the first 2/ 3 dates and are continuing to make time to see one another there is an assumption that things will eventually progress a little further to see if the chemistry is there.

If someone has intimacy / physical issues then I'd think that needs to be bought up and explained so that everyone understands the lay of the land.

I'd be confused as hell if I didn't get a cheeky kiss / hug or some small form of affection by the 2nd/ 3rd date.....it would most likely ensure I didn't make it to date 4.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 19:23

"I'd be confused as hell if I didn't get a cheeky kiss / hug or some small form of affection by the 2nd/ 3rd date.....it would most likely ensure I didn't make it to date 4."

But that's because of your expectation and your belief of what is normal isn't it? Based on your previous experience of dating and maybe your friends' experiences. Not because you need that kiss. So people are being pressured into behaviour that is the current fashion rather than necessarily what they both want.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 19:24

"I suppose I'm what the young people like to refer to as demisexual. I need to know somebody and love them before I feel able to physically share that side of me. The very idea of intimacy soon into dating is uncomfortable in the extreme."

I think that's NORMAL. Why does it need a name??

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 20:13

I like to take it slowly, but eight dates, no physical contact!? I'd be confused too. I'd assume they just wanted to be a friend.
His rude text to you means you shouldn't even try to remain friendly. He didn't try and explain what was in his head, he just accused you of {not sure!} when you bailed out (as is your prerogative).

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 20:21

"I'm so sad that you find waiting even weeks for sexual contact unacceptable"

If you'd had 8 dates, then I presume it's been at least or about four weeks. A month. I wouldn't say you were racing along there. Also, you didn't try and undo his belt, pull him in to the disabled toilet :-p You gave him a kiss on the cheek.

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 20:30

I don't think it's normal to need to love someone before having sex, no. Part of falling in love is the oxytocin release during orgasm.

Perhaps it's also part of where you place sexual compatibility as a priority in the relationship. Sex is one of the most important parts of a LTR or marriage for me, it's how you bond. (Also it's jolly good fun!) I'm not going to hang around for weeks spending time getting to know someone and then get in bed and find it's crap.

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 20:33

Yy and I'd wonder why he was so afraid of a kiss

Cos that's what happened. OP leaned in to kiss him. What is he so terrified about sexually that a kiss on the cheek made him throw the OP's arm off. Sex aside, his reaction to a mere kiss is baffling. The moving slow, I could be very sympathetic to that. If I understood what was going on.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 21:03

"If you'd had 8 dates, then I presume it's been at least or about four weeks. A month. I wouldn't say you were racing along there. "

A month is hardly the longest wait ever either is it?

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 21:11

Not ready for a kiss after a month?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/12/2015 21:13

Being 'demi sexual' is fine but fucking on the first date is fine too, neither are normal or not normal

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 21:25

"Not ready for a kiss after a month?"

Lots of people see kissing as foreplay so might avoid it if they're not ready for sex.

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 21:34

Wow. Slow down there Gwenhyfar, you horny old goat.

Helennn · 31/12/2015 22:34

I don't know many people who would see kissing as foreplay Gwen, no. I think you are linking kissing with sex much too closely.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 22:37

"I don't know many people who would see kissing as foreplay Gwen, no. I think you are linking kissing with sex much too closely."

Not me, but others. Kissing leads to an expectation of sex in my experience.

Helennn · 31/12/2015 22:50

So say you've been to a bar of an evening and are saying goodbye. If you kiss your date on the cheek, or a peck on the lips, when do you think he would be expecting sex? You think that is signalling to him that you are looking to have a sexual relationship in the near future you mean!

DixieNormas · 31/12/2015 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2015 22:54

When someone is leaning in to you, you don't necessarily know if they mean for a peck or a snog so I would avoid any kiss or at least avoid a peck on the lips by offering a cheek, which I know gives the message that I don't fancy the guy...

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 23:11

Are you overly complicating things gwenhwyfar?

you seem to be linking the Kisser's *expectation of sex to sex itself . So, you're leaving out one half of the equation. What the kissee wants.

I don't believe that it's the norm that the kisser has an expectation of sex after one kiss.

The kissee can explain that their position is that they don't expect sex

do you feel you owe somebody sex if they have an expectation of sex!? You don't.

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