porn, sex and relationships

[mypetdragon]

Starting my own thread as I didn't want to hijack the other one and would like another perspective please.

I have been with my BF for about 14 months and we have a very loving and happy relationship. We are both in our late 40s and separated/divorced respectively.

My only concern about our relationship is his use of porn and addiction to sex. I'm fairly open minded (happy to talk about everything and will try anything once) but I feel that his use of porn has tainted his idea of what constitutes normal sex. He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation. He watches porn almost daily and sees no reason to stop doing this. It has been suggested that he seeks help for his porn addiction to which his reply was 'why should I?'. Certain things that he finds 'normal' are new to me - for example he gets really turned on by me 'gagging' whilst giving a BJ. Am I being naive? If he suggests something I am uncomfortable with I will tell him and he is respectful of this, although he will then follow this up jokingly with 'you'll come round to it eventually'.

Sex is frequent and energetic, for example, when we see each other he literally wants sex the moment I arrive at his house/he arrives at my house. On average we will have sex 3 times in 24 hours, each session lasting about an hour. I thought I had a fairly high sex drive but struggle to match his libido.

I suppose my question is, how normal is this? Am I being naive in thinking this is not normal or am I being naive in thinking that we have a loving relationship with a very healthy sex life?

As a subnote, we message and speak on the phone daily and when we're not shagging we have shared interests and lovely friends although he admits to preferring to spend his time with me rather than socialising.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Going back to my original post, I was seeking opinions on our sexual relationship with regard to his porn use. To answer some questions, he has confessed himself (albeit lightheartedly) that he uses porn almost daily and despite being offered counselling for his self confessed porn and wanking habit (long story involving ex-wife and sexless marriage) he did not see any reason to seek help. This is not helped by him having siblings who seemingly have a similar relationship with their knobs.

In all other respects he is a lovely BF. We have a lot of fun together, enjoy mutual interests and I enjoy his company very much. The sex thing is on my mind due to my lower sex drive and other than looking at tame 'girlie porn' I have never been introduced to the sort of porn that he watches - a horrible site called x hamster which seems to be a mixture of home videos, professional short films and vintage clips.

The sex I have with him is unlike anything experienced with any previous partner (obviously learned behaviour from his online activity) and I would like to reiterate that he does take great satisfaction from giving me pleasure HOWEVER he takes a frustrating amount of time to reach orgasm and this is always from either of us wanking him off. As a previous poster mentioned, excessive wanking can lead to erectile disfunction and I have decided to have a frank discussion about seeking the help he clearly does not seem to think he needs.

Apologies if I have not replied to all questions or comments.

As long as you don't want children, I don't see his inability to ejaculate during intercourse as a problem, but his consuming rape-porn is a very big problem, and if he doesn't want to hurt you, he needs to stop consuming porn in which women are hurt.

I mean, really, what kind of double-think does he employ to tell himself that he can do the very same things to you that the women on screen only endure because they are paid for it, and not hurt you?

I'm afraid you will have to leave him or he simply won't see reason.

Riviera: do you think the 50 Shades thing (as in not just the books/films but the huge hype around them) has also had an effect?

Abso-fucking-lutely. On the plus side, 50 shades opened the mainstream public's eyes to BDSM as something they could try in their own homes and there's been a big surge in people feeling that they finally have permission to explore that bit of themselves...

BUT

The godawful portrayal of Anastasia as a wide-eyed sex toy who put up with being abused because she was so in love, and the complete lack of consent involved in their play portrayed BDSM as something it fundamentally isn't, and in doing so told people that lack of consent is normal in kink. Fantasies of reluctance are carefully scripted in my line of work, if someone wants the experience of 'coming round to it' (say, if someone wants to roleplay being 'forced' into being whipped, for example) then it's worked out via the written word long before, and that can apply to intimate relationships at home too.

The idea of just forcing your GF to 'come round to' something that gets you off because it makes you feel powerful over women but makes her uncomfortable and that being socially acceptable comes directly from pornography, IMHO.

"now you can see what gets me off"

And what about what gets you off OP? What is he doing about that?

knowing or being interested in what turns you on, isnt the same as being able to make you come

Hi OP, just hopping over from my recent porn-related thread which you commented on earlier! There is quite a lot of info on the Your Brain On Porn website relating to ED (erectile dysfunction) and heavy porn use which you might find of interest. And the NoFap porn recovery forums are completely full of accounts usually from very young men who are trying to stop their habitual porn use because in their early 20s they are already experiencing erectile/ejaculation problems. I think the new internet-based tsunami of free, accessible, hardcore porn is setting society up for a massive increase in dysfunctional misogynistic relationships - really depressing :-(

I have some first hand experience and for my relatively young age, wisdom in this exact area. My exBF was very similar to yours and he was aroused by the demeaning stereotypical "porn sex". At the time I was happy to go along with it. I 'gagged' enthusiasticly and lay there for hours to end up with friction burns. He could only cum by re-enacting what he was watching as he thought it was normal and totally acceptable. These are the type of men that enjoy things such as "painal", (basically forced dry anal). Because it's on porn and that actress is paid to look like she enjoys it after some coercion, they think it's totally acceptable for you to be doing it too. And they will attempt coercion eventually. I did it willingly and at the time didn't really have a problem. But god was I bored. And sore!

Skip to now with my current DP and we are the epitome of "kink". Literally you'd probably be horrified at what we enjoy but we do so consentually. And god do I enjoy it. I only now realise what "good" sex is and my porn-obsessed exBF was utter shit in bed. And I thought I had to act like a porn star and shave off all my body hair to satisfy him. (He also enjoyed going down on me too... But it was exactly like it is in porn. Boring and still for his gratification).

It seems you aren't sexually compatible and unless he goes on porn strike and realises genuinely that porn is not real, I doubt he'll change. And he will cum a lot quicker if you gag, if you make those crap fake moans, if you pretend to be suffering but please don't. Please. He can't cum because you don't act like a porn star, not because he's wanking too much. He proved this when he hinted while you watched porn that it's what he likes. "Normal", real women don't turn him on. You know, ones with feelings.

Even "boring" missionary sex is fully satisfying with the right person who isn't interested in seeing you as a blow up doll.

By the way, me and my DP frequent XHamster when we need to get off separately so you can't blame the site.... It's the things he's typing in the search bar that's the concern.

I hope you don't experience what I did in the end x

I couldn't be arsed with someone with such sexual issues- and these are issues whether he thinks so or not- and I find it sad that so many women go along with it.

Perhaps you should try a two hour session of "painal" on him. Maybe that will get him off.

painal

How can people accept this kind of shit so uncritically? Anyone who watches that willingly and enjoys it is not a person I want in my life

Obsidian Unfortunately unexperienced people who only have porn or their partner's influence to go off. I believe I was manipulated looking back on it, but didn't feel that way at the time

There is an overall culture of increasing unkindness, and porn is a reflection of that rather than a driver of it. In the UK it is mainly down to the Murdoch papers and their utterly sociopathic approach to 'news' - setting people up to fall, hacking the phones of dead children, hounding minor celebrities - but also the growth of 'reality' TV which is mainly an encouragement to mock and harass people who are clearly mentally ill. In the US it's this awful cocktail of religion and the 'frontier spirit' and the toxic white masculinity.

But I do actually think there is a strong possibility of things starting to get better WRT porn; the increasing visibility of companies making ethical porn, featuring a diversity of bodies and activities and scenarios makes it more obvious that sexually explicit entertainment is not and should not be focussed on exploitation and harm.

I think women are speaking up more and more as well, I think we will see a change in the future - porn will still be there but it will be easier to say "I won't accept this" in a relationship, if of course that's how you feel.
It will be then the choice of the porn user as to whether they want the relationship with the human being without the porn, or the images without the human being. And I think this will make them think.
I also think there is a rise in male feminists..
I'm speaking in the sense of the male porn user and the female non user.. I realise I'm stereotyping and it can be equal or the other way round.
I think if you can be open, and find a balance in your relationship this is probably one of the best outcomes, although speaking from experience I couldn't reach this conclusion. Porn was his only love, end of.

Seems he is a guy for whom it is all about him, he maybe assumes that you want what he wants, when he says "You'll come around to it" he is probably saying what many guys think but you seemed quite clear he doesn't pressure you.
He doesn't equate sex and love, tbh I understand that, I guess you just have to decide if 3 times a day is too much for you andwhether you can come to some agreement.
Porn affects men, I find younger guys expect to get what they have seen, it is their norm and in my limited experience quite a lot of girls are compliant.I'm not saying it's right, just what I've experienced
Talk to him, step back and decide. Good luck xx

I think after 40 we know what's normal about our sex life and what we want ,unless we wait for other people's approval to be happy in bed , a man that makes me scream of mind blowing orgasm even once a month can make me gag and flip me around the world any day.So you chose to be normal like the rest of boring us or get your juices going .Reorganise yourself your encounters , make it a movie where you dress up and take charge to get him interested in you rather than asking what's normal , if you share so many other interests what else do you want in a man? I think you are too lazy to make your imagination work and make your life together the bombbbbbb, even wean him off the porn!!!!!!!

So it's her job to turn herself into a sex goddess to please him?

I think you've messed the point by a country mile maeggee

Even missed the point

So maegee that's 30 days of gagging and flipping for one decent orgasm

1. I can make myself cum beautifully anytime I want so a man that can only manage it once a month is no competition.
2. luckily my dp makes me have a screaming orgasm eveeytime. Usually more than once. And I never have to gag to earn it.

So you need to Reorganise yourself your encounters as you are being short changed bigtime.

Out of the Shadows, Your Brain on Porn and The Porn Trap are all good reads. The Porn Trap is good as it is both for the porn addict and the person who is in a relationship with them. It also has a chapter which basically explains that sex should all be about love between two people and porn plays no part in that.

I think the best thing you can do is to educate yourself and then you can make an informed decision about whether you want to stay or go.

Good luck.

Reading posts like maegee's makes me so irritated. How can women hold such low expectations when it comes to sex? Fun, satisfying etc - shouldn't these be our minimal expectations?

It also has a chapter which basically explains that sex should all be about love between two people
Really? What's wrong with sex with no love?
There is nothing wrong with sex for the sake of lust, what matters is that the people involved are doing what they want to do, in the way they want to do it.

Being someone's sex toy in exchange for a good orgasm is grim. People deserve far better than that.

Get irritated about what I think will not make a difference in someone else's life or mine. if she wants to share more than a porn based relationship it is, I am not proposing for her to subject herself to anything demeaning or degrading for a woman.It all takes on what she wants and if she wants him ,the people who have strong opinions about sex which is mainly behind closed doors usually don't tell you what they do or feel behind their own doors .I don't even have respect for people who think that everybody around them should act like them.Some women can't find love , that soulmate that you have right now so should they turn nuns until they do ? We are all humans and I will not condemn anyone who gets happy once in a while in bed ,the way they feel like it , but you want something you work for it! I will say it again girlfriend if you want him but don't want certain things he does , make your imagination work , no one else can tell you how to make your juices flow , you know!And what is our maximum expectation in sex again? And says who???????you are not just 20 to being unable to tell a man !I don't like this lets try that in bed "

He can be as lovely and perfect as you like, but it doesn't change the fact that he has a revolting addiction. Seriously how can you be attracted to that? Do you plan to have kids with him?

Some interesting replies, thank you. I am certainly not planning on having kids with him, thank you, as I have already said in my first post we are both in our late 40s.

As this is becoming a thread about porn and not so much about my original question I will leave the thread now, but will just add that I have talked to my BF about this and he wants to wean himself off watching porn. In addition he stressed that just looking at me turns him on so yes, I realise that a lot of his ideas in the bedroom come from what he has watched and enjoyed but if by his own admittance he is willing to initiate changes then that is a good start to the new year.