porn, sex and relationships

[mypetdragon]

Starting my own thread as I didn't want to hijack the other one and would like another perspective please.

I have been with my BF for about 14 months and we have a very loving and happy relationship. We are both in our late 40s and separated/divorced respectively.

My only concern about our relationship is his use of porn and addiction to sex. I'm fairly open minded (happy to talk about everything and will try anything once) but I feel that his use of porn has tainted his idea of what constitutes normal sex. He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation. He watches porn almost daily and sees no reason to stop doing this. It has been suggested that he seeks help for his porn addiction to which his reply was 'why should I?'. Certain things that he finds 'normal' are new to me - for example he gets really turned on by me 'gagging' whilst giving a BJ. Am I being naive? If he suggests something I am uncomfortable with I will tell him and he is respectful of this, although he will then follow this up jokingly with 'you'll come round to it eventually'.

Sex is frequent and energetic, for example, when we see each other he literally wants sex the moment I arrive at his house/he arrives at my house. On average we will have sex 3 times in 24 hours, each session lasting about an hour. I thought I had a fairly high sex drive but struggle to match his libido.

I suppose my question is, how normal is this? Am I being naive in thinking this is not normal or am I being naive in thinking that we have a loving relationship with a very healthy sex life?

As a subnote, we message and speak on the phone daily and when we're not shagging we have shared interests and lovely friends although he admits to preferring to spend his time with me rather than socialising.

Thanks for reading.

That is worrying, Riviera

Yes.

Trigger Warning for sexual assault

_

The popularity of simulated rape porn has had a huge impact on client demand. More and more of them are asking for experiences where they get to violently degrade the woman (or man, this is also happening in gay escort work) with choke-holds, hard anal, etc. This may start out as a consensual exchange (in my practice we agree how the interaction will work via email so that both parties have a written record and I encourage those in personal relationships exploring kink to do the same but I'm aware that a vast number of sex workers don't have this security), but a lot of girls say the client willfully violates agreed terms if they think they can get away with it. The same goes for massage workers who say more and more men are violating 'no touch' rules. It's endemic misogyny and it's absolutely spurred by violent pornography. I'm extremely fortunate that my job caters to a different demographic, but as I said earlier, people looking for Master/Mistress interaction are not trying to reproduce what they've seen on the rape section of PornHub. It's a very important distinction to make because my clients now appear to be the exception and not the rule.

What passes for 'the rule' now is very frightening.

Is it even okay to be open about sex work here? I'm not sure - I do hope I haven't violated MNHQ rules but I truly believe it's relevant not just to the OP's experience but the experience of many other women being coerced by their 'd' p's

Riviera you are giving your experience to life same as anyone else. Its just coming from a different prospective.
Unsure of the rules but you are giving another view for everyone.
That's how we learn and grow from others.

It's invaluable that you're sharing your experience Riviera, thank you so much. I think the world is becoming more misogynistic, not less. People are more outwardly pc then they watch porn which shows what they really think about women. You just need to Google porn and go to the first page on the first site to see how nasty this stuff is. Plus so many women endorse porn as they want to be the cool girl or not to be viewed as a prude when it's really just internalised misogyny.

It is really worrying how many women I see, other working girls or not, who outwardly laugh with the boys and then confide later that they're really uncomfortable. As you say, we're generally socially programmed to seek the acceptance of males in regards to sexism otherwise risk being the 'angry feminist bitch'.

FWIW, in the BDSM community we tend, male & female, to be ardently feminist, but as I've said, in terms of everyday client interaction, I'm aware I'm a privileged minority.

you'll come around to it eventually

This is coercive. He's telling you loud and clear that he won't respect your boundaries and will continue to try to persuade you into sex acts you don't want to do.

He sounds profoundly boring sexually and no amount of connection out of the bedroom could make up for being boring, porn obsessed and coercive in bed.

I lost that fight a long time ago Riviera and I'm more than happy to be an angry feminist bitch!

I'm scared for my daughter as there seems to be a tipping point where she becomes more of an object and less of a human.

Whilst I don't see the harm in a bit of porn, this does indeed sound excessive. I don't know how long you can keep up with him? I think it would be worth talking to him again about atleast reducing the time he spends watching porn as a beginning?

I think if your relationship is to last very long, it's important to have it more equal sexually, and it doesn't sound like it is at the moment. Good luck though!

I think the world is becoming more misogynistic, not less.

It's hard to say. I honestly think, as a sex worker, that the rise of interest in violent porn is genuinely a backlash to the advances in female social equality. That's why idiocy like 'revenge porn' exists or any credence whatsoever is lent to a serial killer when he shoots people 'because women rejected him.' Is there a correlation? Of course. Is it the prevailing social norm? It depends who you ask. There is always a tipping point whereupon a person become a thing; in terms of women's rights - we're living in a divided state whereupon women are both sex objects and CEOS. The gap hasn't been bridged, and our society is currently willing to straddle both sides rather than admit that one is reality and one a fantasy. And why should they? Our increasingly pornified culture tells men that both are okay.

I hate to say this, but you've seen what gets him off - and it isn't you. It isn't a real woman in a real sexual relationship, it's porn.
I love sex and I don't mind some porn, but that sounds utterly shit.

It's shocking how young boys are accessing porn and it's affecting their ability to have friendships with girls. Porn is so damaging to girls and women yet it's thought to be necessary, even benign. Men need porn as their such visual creatures, bless.

Our society wouldn't openly support it if men wanted to sneak away and watch violent racist videos, or humiliating racist videos. But women and girls being humiliated and violated, well that's just fine isn't it.

Our society wouldn't openly support it if men wanted to sneak away and watch violent racist videos, or humiliating racist videos. But women and girls being humiliated and violated, well that's just fine isn't it.

You can't buy slaves anymore.

You can still buy women.

Speaking as one of those women, of course I get a lot of flak from keyboard athletes who've only ever seen sex work through their precious Mac-screened Twitter feed; people who can't make the distinction that a female Dom who is mostly self-employed to whip bankers is miles apart from the trafficked girl from Estonia raped every day who thought she was going to be an actress. In their minds, there is no distinction, and that's where their so-called intersectional politics can fall on their arse.

I don't hate on feminism for this one hiccup, obviously, because I am a feminist and I believe in the equality of women as fervently as I believe in needing oxygen to live, but tarring all with the same brush is something they apparently hate, whilst getting out the brush as soon as sex workers get our foot in the door of emancipation. Because of course, we're just 'part of the problem' - the female senior manager who goes along with the boy's sexist jokes because she feels she can't speak up is merely 'oppressed' - women who fight gender roles by catering to female empowerment through sex are obviously traitors to the cause

As for this whole - "many men arent able to come with piv and that is perfectly normal" - that at least three posters here have argued, er, wtaf?

your a bloke and you can't come by shagging, you have to be watching a film of a woman gagging on a cock at the same time? Mate, You've got a problem.

Very good post from Riviera.

So many screaming warning sirens in your post.

he will then follow this up jokingly with 'you'll come round to it eventually'.
I don't think he's joking.

I feel that his use of porn has tainted his idea of what constitutes normal sex. He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation.

Listen to that feeling, you are right. If he is masturbating so often (and to porn) that it's affecting his ability to ejaculate with you, then it's a problem. If he doesn't see that, then it's a very big problem.

he gets really turned on by me 'gagging' whilst giving a BJ

This makes me want to gag. Why the fuck would anyone enjoy making their sexual partner gag. Has anyone, ever enjoyed being made to gag/vomit? No? Then why the fuck would you want to induce that in someone. It's fucking disgusting and abusive. That has absolutely and totally come from porn, watching women gagging/pretending to gag from rough oral sex. And that turns him on.

when we see each other he literally wants sex the moment I arrive at his house/he arrives at my house. On average we will have sex 3 times in 24 hours, each session lasting about an hour. I thought I had a fairly high sex drive but struggle to match his libido.

It sounds to me more like you are his sex toy. Being so overcome with passion upon seeing someone that you have to rip their clothes off is great in films/romance novels, and fine from time to time in reality, but every time? Hours of sex where he's basically wanking inside you? Knowing that he could come ever so much quicker if he watched some porn where a woman is gagging over having an oversized cock thrust deep down her throat? Not sexy.

am I being naive in thinking that we have a loving relationship with a very healthy sex life? I'm really sorry, but yes I think you are. I've had a lot of relationships, some healthy, quite a few not so much, and ime this does not sound healthy to me.

I think that you are worth much more than this.

If he is masturbating so often (and to porn) that it's affecting his ability to ejaculate with you, then it's a problem. If he doesn't see that, then it's a very big problem.

Agreed 100%

Why the fuck would anyone enjoy making their sexual partner gag. Has anyone, ever enjoyed being made to gag/vomit? No?

Yes. Some of us enjoy the 'helplessness' (of course, in a consensual relationship, this can be halted at any time). I would argue this one hasn't 'just' come from porn, since so many other Subs I know enjoy it.

(I'm a sub in the sheets,

...but a real bitch in the office ;))

Riviera your posts are very interesting! Thank you for sharing!

Op he's so numb to real sex without all the bells and whistles he's never going to be a good sexual partner. What turns him on isn't you, so massive warning bells there

To answer your question 'is it normal'? No it's far from normal and deep down you already know it. Whatever the rest of the relationship may be like now (a mere 14 months in) I can guarantee you're in the honeymoon period. Open your eyes, he's a creep!

Also to add-the bit your unsure about (the sex side) is the bit he's most interested in! What exactly do you have in common?

Riviera: do you think the 50 Shades thing (as in not just the books/films but the huge hype around them) has also had an effect? It seems to me it has done (though some of its effects have been more positive such as making it more OK than it was to discuss kink) in that there has been a lot of reinforcement of the idea that BDSM is purely about women being 'made' to submit to a man and liking it really.
The point being that ignorant, selfish, sexually dysfunctional men look at 50 SHades (or, more likely, read a couple of Vice articles joking about it) and think that no matter what a woman says, she can be persuaded to like being spanked/choked/ordered around because that's what happened in the film.

I do also think that the rise in misogyny is to do with a lot of other factors: the increase in tribalism, hostility to 'others' and the overall screaming viciousness of groups of white men realising that their dominance (not just sexual but in everything) is genuinely under threat.

There is an easy wayto find out if he likes you for you and us a nice person.

Turn him down. On one of the occasiobs he cones in the door hot for sex, say hanf on let's watch a film, eat, have a concersation instead.

The ejaculation thing is nothing to do with porn and possibly nothing to do with masturbation.

Not true. I listened to a tadio programme the other week, not MN, where a doctor said quite categorically too much porn eventually causes erectile dysfunction. I knowthat sounds a bit vague 'a doctor' but I have heardit said more than once outside MN by sources I believed to be credible.

I think one of the reasons for rising mysogyny is that somehow men and women are being seen as pp says in a tribal way, as different rather than as all being people first.

Turn him down. On one of the occasiobs he cones in the door hot for sex, say hanf on let's watch a film, eat, have a concersation instead.

Oh ffs. Reread before post
Turn him down. On one of the occasions he comes in the door hot for sex, say hang on let's watch a film, eat, have a conversation instead.

If he isn't up for it tell him he'll come roubd to it eventually and if he doesn't ship him out for someone who seesyou as a person not a fuck.

The ejaculation thing has everything to do with porn. In time he won't be able to get it up with an actual real life lover at all.

Run for the hills OP.

Having been through similar stuff I'm genuinely frightened of future relationships and unsure of men in general. Hopefully I won't have to worry about dating again but is this the kind of thing we need to be asking about on a first date? How do you feel about porn / are you a user? How much/often?? I've spent much of my adult life in relationships and I think if I were to become single again, I'd be learning "how" to be single long long term, I.e forever.
Just out of interest , how many of us are actually ok with their partners porn use ?

I will never ever be ok with porn use - and yep your thoughts are mine. Longterm singledom is my life for the forseeable :)

OP sorry to pick apart your post but:
...his use of porn and addiction to sex.
Who has suggested or decided that he has an "addiction" to sex? Is this something he says?

He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation.
Does this seem to bother him? if so, what is he doing about it? Does he understand that his inability to orgasm through PIV may be upsetting for you?

It has been suggested that he seeks help for his porn addiction to which his reply was 'why should I?'.
Who made this suggestion? Who suggested that he has a porn "addiction" - is this something he says?

Does he have an addictive nature in general, do you know - has he previously been a smoker or a big drinker?

I enjoy porn, but his habits and tastes sound extraordinarily immature.

Not normal or healthy at all. There is nothing wrong with your DP liking that sort of sex but he should never do anything you do not want him to do or tell you that you will get used to it.

DP and I both enjoy dirty sex, plenty of loving sex too, but he would respect my wishes if I did not enjoy any of it. Sex should be 2 way enjoyment not an exercise in pleasing him when you do not enjoy it.