porn, sex and relationships

[mypetdragon]

Starting my own thread as I didn't want to hijack the other one and would like another perspective please.

I have been with my BF for about 14 months and we have a very loving and happy relationship. We are both in our late 40s and separated/divorced respectively.

My only concern about our relationship is his use of porn and addiction to sex. I'm fairly open minded (happy to talk about everything and will try anything once) but I feel that his use of porn has tainted his idea of what constitutes normal sex. He is unable to ejaculate through intercourse and claims this is due to excessive masturbation. He watches porn almost daily and sees no reason to stop doing this. It has been suggested that he seeks help for his porn addiction to which his reply was 'why should I?'. Certain things that he finds 'normal' are new to me - for example he gets really turned on by me 'gagging' whilst giving a BJ. Am I being naive? If he suggests something I am uncomfortable with I will tell him and he is respectful of this, although he will then follow this up jokingly with 'you'll come round to it eventually'.

Sex is frequent and energetic, for example, when we see each other he literally wants sex the moment I arrive at his house/he arrives at my house. On average we will have sex 3 times in 24 hours, each session lasting about an hour. I thought I had a fairly high sex drive but struggle to match his libido.

I suppose my question is, how normal is this? Am I being naive in thinking this is not normal or am I being naive in thinking that we have a loving relationship with a very healthy sex life?

As a subnote, we message and speak on the phone daily and when we're not shagging we have shared interests and lovely friends although he admits to preferring to spend his time with me rather than socialising.

Thanks for reading.

Yuk, he sounds horrible.

When you've had thrush/UTI's for the dozenth time because he wants to friction his knob on you constantly, his "need" for immediate sex the minute he sees you will get very old very quickly

"Now you can see what gets me off" - that is disgusting.

You're never going to be able to have a fulfilling relationship with this man, because he sees you as an unsatisfactory extension to his porn habit. He cannot honestly think that it is a pleasing thing to do, watching porn with you whilst he's wanking, and you're not enjoying it.

You deserve much better than this treatment OP.

Well you'll never be able to fulfil his porn fantasies.
He can give porn up and do a sexual detox of sorts. Until then it will b all about him and his totally fucked up idea of normal.

My god- you enjoy spending time with this ignorant chimp?!!

Wow.

I'm intrigued that you worry about being naive?
What did you mean?

I'm also curious why you thought baby chasm post was so insightful- surely it was just a load of crap about how you need to make massive sexual compromises to stay in la relationship with this saddo. Really, you sit and watch him wank quickly to women who are suffering on the screen in front of you? He spends an hour attempting to orgasm inside you three times a day? Lucky you! (Not)

OP, this thread makes you sound massively desperate to have a relationship

any relationship

Is that true ?

Urgh, he sounds no fun at all! Thing is, he would be a self-obsessed dickhead with or without an interest in porn, by the sound of it.

The main problem with porn is that some (though not all) of the people performing in porn are abused and exploited. A fondness for watching depictions of sexual activity, particularly unusual types of sexual activity, is not inherently wrong, nor is liking to engage in unusual types of sexual activity (whether that's anal, spanking, or wanting to dress up as one of the Tellytubbies and yell EH OH at the moment of orgasm). What matters with regards to engaging in activities with other people is that they are enjoyable and consensual for all concerned.

I have a FWB who likes kinky sex and looks at porn. I like these things too. FWB is charming, considerate, and while some of the things we do are not to everyone's taste we both enjoy doing them. Your man sounds like he is not remotely interested in what you might like to do and that's why he's not worth your time or attention.

I don't think sex three times in 24 hours is necessarily excessive - if that's what you both want.

I had a partner who had delayed ejaculation. His was due to medication - sex drive unaffected but took ages to climax. It was hugely frustrating for him (and me!) and masturbating was a release. Sometimes porn was involved. I didn't mind - some women do find it a turn on and it's not all exploitative (but a lot is).

I don't think there's anything wrong with being unable to climax through PIV and turning to oral or manual stimulation instead. How many women are unable to orgasm through PIV alone? I can't

The red flag for me was the "you'll get used to it" comment. That's unacceptable. Sex must be consensual and enjoyable for all parties; the pleasure of one partner should not be at the expense of another. Sex isn't a bargaining tool either. Him giving you oral doesn't obligate you in any way and I'd avoid any man who thought it did.

If you are uncomfortable with the porn, then you don't have to qualify your opinion or bring porn into your sex life to please him. You and your partner should respect each other's boundaries - that's the mark of a "normal", healthy sex life for me.

OP, much of what you say interests your bf interests me as well. I say that because it does have a bearing on the rest of my post.

DESPITE our mutual interests I would be very cautious about this relationship. Red flags for me are the fact that he isn't accepting of your limits - 'you'll come round to it eventually' - and that he sees porn as real life, not acting.

You say he is joking when he says about you coming around to it eventually, I bet he isn't, not really. He may be using a jocular tone, he may drop it for now, but if he knows you don't want to he should be able to say something along the lines of 'ok, if it doesn't work for you, then that's fine :)', not 'I'll drop it for now, but it isn't the last you've heard of it'.

As you pointed out to him, porn is acting. And like all scripted, directed shows, what happens is not real. It either takes serious, dedicated practice, multiple takes, cgi/green screen or a mixture of all 3. And in the case of porn especially, coercion in the form of money and/or blackmail.

Please be very very careful. And please do not agree to restraints if they are one of his 'things'

I am deeply sceptical of this modern inclination to label everything as an "addiction" as if it excuses the choices people are making on account of the fact that they "can't help it". He can help it, but he doesn't want to. What you describe is not normal IMO, but whether it is normal or not is not the issue, it's whether you're happy with it and clearly you're not. Quite frankly he sounds awful and I would end this relationship ASAP.

Much as I neither want to draw fire from people who disapprove of my lifestyle or out myself to friends who I know use this site, I feel compelled to say something, even if it's been oft repeated.

I work in BDSM. Kink is my job. We have been getting a lot of queries over the past few years from concerned partners about blurred boundary/coercive sex after their DP has fallen down the rabbit hole of porn and whether it's normal in BDSM.

It isn't. Our watchwords are Safe, Sane, Consensual. Of course, one's person's fantasy may not seem 'sane' to another if it's not your personal cup of tea, but BDSM, both professionally and between two consenting adults in private, is there to make sure that person can explore their fantasies, whether that involves pornography or not, in a safe space. It's essential that this take place in a mutually respectful relationship. My partner is fully supportive of my job and is also a Dom. We have a very frank relationship by necessity of our desires and he would never push something new onto me without my consent.

A relationship where one partner's mind has been addled by too much exploitative porn (which has 100% been the problem in almost every email so far), and wants to experiment with their partner is not going to be subject to the same scrutiny and regulation. Hence, a lot of abused women wondering if what their dear boyfriend, (who is usually such a sweetheart, of course, until he has his hand round their throat without talking about it first and wouldn't know a safety word if it kicked him up the backside), is doing to them is even wrong.

All I can say, as a professional, is that it does not sound as though you are engaging in safe, sane, and consensual activity. "you'll come around to it eventually" is a gigantic red flag from me and would be indicative of a stepping-up of sexual abuse in future. It may be 'normal' in what passes for dom/sub fantasies in a society that increasingly focuses on women's pornified compliance, but it is not normal in a healthy, loving relationship and I would suggest that you get out immediately.

All the best for the future x

'but it is not normal in a healthy, loving relationship whether that involves BDSM or not and I would suggest that you get out' sorry, I meant to reiterate that point, as so many abusers try and worm their way out of it by suggesting all kink is 'supposed' to be like that.

Thank you Babycham for your insightful answer, I was just trying to gauge reactions and realise that there would be some typical MN replies on here.

What was her insight?? To tell him that you don't like X (which you've already done) but forgetting about the bit where his reply is, "you'll learn"?

And you can pour scorn on the "typical MN replies" but we're not the ones having sex with someone who gets off on the abuse of women and having to post about it on here.

Excellent post, Riviera

I went out with a self confessed porn addict too. He took ages to come and was boring in bed.

Eventually he was spending so much time and energy wanking he couldn't get it up at all.

I don't know if this was typical but he was also having phone sex with female friends.

One of the happier days of my life was the day I dumped his sorry arse.

OP I suggest you do the same!

Hoose I went out with someone who didn't describe himself as an addict but used it daily.

He was also boring in bed - he pretty much just lay there and expected me to do all the work - and also took ages to come. Eventually he couldn't get it up at all.

I discovered he was also having phone sex (at least) with other women.

Classy.

So many men seem to have such heavy porn habits now, it's one of the reasons I am wary of having another relationship.

Excellent, RivieraKid. Agree with you completely. Consensual BDSM with a decent human being is great (as long as all participants like it) and it's massively different from a set up where one person is going 'well this is how you do it properly, this is how it has to be done whether you like it or not...'.

Dear God why are you even asking this question? He's awful!

He just needs a sex doll to hump until his brain dies. Why should that be you?

So many men seem to have such heavy porn habits now, it's one of the reasons I am wary of having another relationship.

I'd honestly say it's the biggest problem we face in the industry atm as well. So many sex workers I know say a violent, entitled attitude in clients has soared in the last few years. It's worth stating I think that a lot of people who come to Masters and Mistresses for personal pleasure or instruction don't just want to repeat what they've seen on-screen - it's a trusting exchange with a real life person they're after, and it's also potentially a long-term professional relationship (as some clients can be very long-standing). Of course, it's the opposite of so much porn, where gratification devoid of any intimacy at all is the norm.

It's very sad and extremely worrying to see a generation growing up to believe that what they see in porn is actual sex. Obviously those of us who do regulate our practices do what we can in terms of education, but our voices are quickly being drowned out, I fear.

Mm, what is also worrying is the number of women who seem to submit to this, not coz they like it but because they think that's what they have to do.

I find it bizarre that some pp think the only red flag here is one thing he says when actually the whole situation stinks. And people will accept this in order to have a relationship? Apparently so.

That is worrying, Riviera

He sounds absolutely awful and it sounds like you are compromising way too much and uncomfortable with what he is doing.

Does he treat you like a real life human being? Does he act as if he actually likes you?

What he said is not the only red flag at all, but the most obvious one posted by the OP in terms of his selfish expectations around sex, both now and in the future, hence the immediate worry it brings up for the OP's wellbeing.

Personally I found 'he admits to preferring to spend his time with me rather than socialising.' quite chilling as the way the OP describes their sex life he only 'prefers' to spend his time with her because he's a porn and sex addict and his partner, whom he is making uncomfortable, is his RL fix.

BDSM may be more openly discussed these days, but it's really really not for everyone, and in a healthy relationship, that should be the full stop. You're right that other things about this relationship sounds off. No one should be made to feel 'naive' or a 'prude' for defining their own sexual boundaries.

I disagree with the poster who says his addiction is not influencing his sex-drive. There is a distinct correlation, that those of us in the sex industry see first-hand, between frequency of viewing and type of porn viewed and corresponding changes in RL sex. I do agree that MN can be a little censorious on the subject of kink at times but frankly, numerous studies on how porn influences the brain back up our experience.

The majority of porn is vile misogynistic sexual cruelty, watching it changes someone. He's an assessment op and it's not your job to please him.

The term "Fuck doll" is becoming the new word from a man now.

This man rushes to watch his porn and then heads over to you.
You know sex with the right person is enjoyable.
But there is more to life than sitting on a bed/couch to just have sex for the sake of a man who has such huge porn use.

While the hour passes you could be reading a good book or watching a good show. Or just sitting outside enjoying the day or night.
Yes there are so many woman who don't even know they are being set up as the "fuck doll".
When you are having sex ask yourself are you enjoying this and do you really feel connected.
Or go and have a look at all the fuck dolls online now that have to come up with new breasts, the latest plastic looks to be appealing to all just to make money.
Where is the fun mypet when you are gagging for it.
He doesn't listen to you at all. Its just a porn movie to him and hes the star of the show op