I just slapped DH

[harveybristol]

I'm so ashamed.
A long tiring day and the inlaws visit this evening. MIL is true to form, rude, doesnt even look at the lovely gifts we bought her. Without going in to too much detail, the family are very close and I began to feel my usual inferiority around them all. Left out, disregarded, not listened to.

I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air feeling downhearted, came home to see they had left, DH asked what my problem was. I told him honestly, he tells me it's all in my head as usual and then I suddenly slapped him and walked off.

I've shocked him and myself, I've never done anything like this before. I'm massively frustrated at DH not being able to just accept and acknowledge my feelings, have been for a while but never expected I'd do anything like this. What shall I do?

DH hasn't said a word and has gone to the spare room for the night. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing evening with DH once they left. I'm lying here in tears :(

Badly, the problem is that in her other threads those details are central, so it can't be a privacy issue.

'She'??

Already picking over the carcass

Maybe they wouldn't Kan and that's a shame, but let's do this one right regardless.

You make me laugh springydaffs. In a good way I might add!

well I don't think the OP is coming back Springydaffs so what does it matter now f we talk about her in the third person? No point in addressing her directly if she isn't prepared to engage.

If he had hit you the police would be involved, it can work the other way too. You should be very ashamed and be asking for his forgiveness. Seriously out of order

badly What was there to engage with? Why should she turn up on the internet to be flagellated by strangers?

She wanted to talk about why she did it but quickly gathered that would be condemned as 'justifying it'. So she left, like all of them do.

It's bullying on your part and there is no justification for that. You don't change a bully (and I agree that on this occasion her behaviour was bullying) by bullying.

Badly I would ignore lost. At no point were your posts "bullying" in their tone or text.

Lost what you seem to conveniently forget is that the real victim here is the husband. You may disagree with those of us who will not tolerate abuse in any form and feel that it is necessary to make the OP aware that. Even if repeated over and over again to make sure that crucial point is drummed home.

Absent self-defence there is never an excuse to justify violence of any kind.

You say "she wanted to talk about why she did it". Again absent self-defence there is no "why". The OP clearly needs professional intervention and mumsnet is not the place to get that.

Badly is spot on.

I know if my son or daughter was attacked by someone who professes to love them and attacked them whilst my grandchild was in the house I would be begging my child to leave for their safety as well as that of my grandchild. I don't mean just physical safety either. The physical scars heal but the emotional scars always remain.

Lost I find your posts naive and unhelpful to men and women who struggle to come out against their abusers of which the OP is one and I don't just mean physical abuse. The OPs problems (judging from her previous posts) also raise concerns over whether she may be emotionally abusing her husband. Would you rather we glossed over this too?

imo an apology isn't enough, if my husband slapped me it wouldn't be enough.... You need therapy

I have several points to make in response to that Darth.

First of all, you can only successfully chastise someone in the way you're suggesting (saying the same thing strongly and repeatedly) if the person to whom you're speaking is obliged to be in the your presence (in the headmaster's office, for instance). On a forum like this, if you really want to help the victim, you have to do it in a way that is less likely to send the OP running for the hills. In this instance, as in countless others, any good that the OP's husband might have got from this thread has been wasted because she was unable to progress the situation by talking about it. You can now do absolutely nothing to help her husband because she has left. If by 'glossing over' the OP's actions you mean effectively bringing an end to any debate about them, you have done that yourself by driving her away.

Second, you have no way of knowing that the OP's own estimation of her behaviour was inappropriately positive and it is rather patronising to assume she is secretly supporting something she has been very vocal about condemning. You also need to think through the likely success or failure of causing the OP to do nothing more than wallow in self-loathing and remorse. She needs to think, understand, form a plan of action and carry it out. And yes, that will involve looking closely at her feelings because it may well be a lack of understanding of those feelings (on her part) that caused her to act on them in a way she now regrets. I say that without excusing what she did and I don't think she would excuse it either.

I think you know there is always a 'why' for behaviour insofar as there is always a thought/feeling that precedes the action. That's what is meant by 'why' and it is absolutely crucial for the OP to look at that very closely moving forward. I think it's defensive and naive - and rather disingenuous - to refuse to acknowledge that the situation leading up to the incident is key to understanding what happened for the purposes of preventing it in the future.

It's rather ironic that the posters who abuse the OP for justifying her behaviour when, in fact, she was trying to understand the context for her behaviour often add 'you need therapy'. Because therapy would involve looking very closely the 'why' for her behaviour, without letting go of personal responsibility.

Mumsnet is not the place to seek professional help, yet there are many situations when posters talk things though and seek professional help as well. If we said that no one should post on mumsnet about a situation that a professional would be better equipped to deal with, we would lose most boards - finance, medical, marriage matters etc.. I think you are trying to justify saying just what you like.

It's easy to tell a poster they're a disgrace. It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it. And it's easy to say that if it was your partner you'd drop them in boiling oil and change the locks. And kind of satisfying, too. But not helpful.

Lost no one (as far as I can recall) is saying the OP is a disgrace. This isn't about name calling.

Her behaviour is disgraceful and that is what has been repeated here.

You are minimising her behaviour/actions at the expense of the victim. That's the disgraceful bit.

You are right that the OP should seek professional help to work out the "why". One would hope this will allow the OP to deal with her issues. It is not however for you Lost, to police what I and others feel is important to say, namely that no matter how alone the OP may feel and no matter how little her husband may empathise and no matter how difficult her in laws are this is never an excuse for emotional or physical violence. You can "why" or you like.

As I said absent self-defence what could the OP possibly say to explain or justify her actions. If she is seeking resolution she needs to take on board the comments on this thread namely;

1. She needs professional help; and

1. Her actions are unacceptable

I for one will not be drawn into a discussion that involves trying to empathise or sympathise with an emotionally and physically abusive person.

There may be historical reasons for the OPs current emotional state (indeed there probably are) but I remain of the view that violence is not the solution nor is it an acceptable outlet for anger or frustration no matter what you have been through or what you are going through.

But Darth, you just said that there is no 'why'. Now you say she needs professional help to work it out. Which is it? And why can't she talk about it here?

And what evidence do you have that (a) the OP was of the view that her actions were acceptable and (b) she didn't agree with posters who said it was unacceptable?

And how, exactly, is talking about her feelings going to adversely affect her DP? In practical terms?

There is no why because there is no excuse for her behaviour. No justification but a therapist might help her work out her anger issues. That's what I meant which seemed clear to me.

The OP can of course talk about this but you have no right to police peoples' responses.

Well Darth, a therapist would certainly be looking for the why. That's how anger issues are worked out. As for policing people's responses, you and others have done a wonderful job of making sure the OP is not free to discuss what happened here. As far as policing goes, you've made this a place where she can say nothing right and is obliged to listen in silence while you berate her. You have no right to do that, whatever your personal views.

And you remain absolutely unable to point to any evidence that the OP felt her behaviour was acceptable; this would have been the only justification for limiting responses to repeatedly telling her that this was the case.

She is free to discuss it. She asked for comments and received them. Hopefully they have made her realize bthe seriousness of her actions.

As pp has said, it's very common for abusers to apologize after an attack, so the fact she's said sorry does not make everything fine. She's not a toddler- you can't just say sorry four assaulting someone and everything is fixed.

Maybe the OP won't come back to rthis thread, but maybe she will read what has been said and seek some help. The husband would be well within his rights to press charges and asdk her to leave.

She clearly had more she wanted to discuss but was shut down, so didn't. People are of course free to comment, but should acknowledge that the way they are commenting will not help her to help either herself or her partner.

Judging by her comments earlier, she is the last person to think that an apology would make everything fine. I wonder what your agenda is for believing that she is.

that she would.

I don't think OP was shut down, she simply disappeared because she was asked one or two pertinent questions about what is going on in her life based on her other public threads. It appears she didn't want to answer them, which is of course her prerogative, but that didn't make it wrong to ask.

No, she'd gone long before that actually.

People are of course free to comment, but should acknowledge that the way they are commenting will not help her to help either herself or her partner

Minimising what the OP has done and saying it's somewhat ok because they are remorseful helps no one either. In fact in can do more damage.

How did anyone do that, though? And are those the only options: (a) tell the poster that what they have done is dreadful and they should be ashamed (although she clearly is of the same opinion anyway!) or (b) minimise and tell them it's somewhat ok because they're sorry.

If the poster is already there with (a), what do you suggest would help move the situation forward? And isn't remorse a lot better than no remorse? Given that so many posts are angled towards making her feel more of it, I imagine you think it is.

Lost I think you should try to accept that you are in the minority here if not a lone voice. I agree with Fun - I find your posts to be more damaging for reasons that have already been stated.