I just slapped DH

[harveybristol]

I'm so ashamed.
A long tiring day and the inlaws visit this evening. MIL is true to form, rude, doesnt even look at the lovely gifts we bought her. Without going in to too much detail, the family are very close and I began to feel my usual inferiority around them all. Left out, disregarded, not listened to.

I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air feeling downhearted, came home to see they had left, DH asked what my problem was. I told him honestly, he tells me it's all in my head as usual and then I suddenly slapped him and walked off.

I've shocked him and myself, I've never done anything like this before. I'm massively frustrated at DH not being able to just accept and acknowledge my feelings, have been for a while but never expected I'd do anything like this. What shall I do?

DH hasn't said a word and has gone to the spare room for the night. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing evening with DH once they left. I'm lying here in tears :(

If you have an inferiority complex around certain people then you will constantly be looking out for evidence that supports your view that others look down on you or disregard your opinion. And you will always find it, just by the other person being in the room.

There is a big chance DH is blinded to their exclusiveness.

Agree totally with Badlybehaved. You hit someone because you dislike his family and he isn't empathetic about that. Awful just awful.

I am shocked that there are people on this thread who are trying to justify the OPs actions on her behalf. Well it was only this once and he was the one abusing you bla bla bla....really?

It sounds like a one off reaction at the end of a long,tiring and frustrating day. Expectations are so high at Christmas. Try and talk to your DH about the whole family situation

If this was a reverse then posters would be telling you to leave and call the police. Has your DH called the police? Perhaps he should. You are abusive and have assaulted him. Think how you would feel if he slapped you.

Family and stress may be the reason but it's not the excuse.

OP I've just read your posting history.

As a general rule, I think that if you usually have no issues with people, except one particular person who makes you feel inferior or pushed out, it's probably them.

If you regularly experience the same issues and feelings with lots of unconnected people (or everyone) then it's probably you.

I actually feel quite sorry for your DH, I bet he wonders how on earth he got here. I suspect if you hadn't got PG so early on in the relationship it might have fizzled out naturally as you do seem to be quite emotionally high maintenance. You must be exhausting to live with.

I get the impression that you are one of those people who thinks it's always been you against the rest of the world. And now you expect him to join you in your little castle surrounded by thorns to keep out all the enemies. And you don't understand why he just wants to be a regular, well balanced bloke with normal well balanced relationships and no drama, when he should be showing loyalty to you by agreeing that everyone else is horrid.

After reading Badly's post, I have also read the OPs posting history. I agree with everything Badley is saying.

I'm not sure if you are seeking any medical help/counselling but given this recent act of aggression, I think you owe it to your child and to your husband to talk through your issues and/or seek medical intervention. I really think the PIL/MIL is a side issue here.

Good luck with whatever you do and I hope you find a solution that makes you happier than you are now.

So you were violent and there was a child in the house?

You must also have got married in the last month, according to your posting history, so what a busy time you are all having.

OP, I wouldn't pay any attention to posts that do nothing but condemn your behaviour. These posters do not want to help you and you already know that what you've done isn't on.

You have clearly been bottling up your feelings and failing to address issues with DH. Now they have reached this point. It may be helpful to research (or talk to a counsellor) about how you could have handled the original issues differently. You seem to have felt powerless, both during Christmas day and previously when you tried to express to DH how you felt, and this has led to the feelings of rage.

You've been signposted to some avenues of help and I would get off this thread now. There's no reason to be condemned. You just need to move forward now.

OP, I wouldn't pay any attention to posts that do nothing but condemn your behaviour. These posters do not want to help you and you already know that what you've done isn't on.

I hope you say the same when genders are reversed.

Yes, I would.

Agree totally with Badlybehaved. You hit someone because you dislike his family and he isn't empathetic about that. Awful just awful.

I agree too.

Inexcusable behaviour. It is abuse no matter what you or others say.

Reading through your previous threads OP people have brought up before your anger management issue.

You need to sort this out.

Your attitude is unacceptable. You have assaulted your DH. It needs to stop.

lost I think you are minimising the OPs behaviour.

Looking back through your threads this really stood out to me:

I just want to punch him for being so disorganised and lazy with our money. Advice for dealing with a lazy, stubborn, disorganised pain in the arse?

You've now acted on your bottled up feelings and hit him. No justification for that whatsoever.

I think you have some serious anger issues going on OP that you need to face up to. I had a very difficult personal situation to deal with recently and the good ladies here held a mirror up to me on my behaviour. I did a lot of thinking about what they said, some of it was helpful, some wasn't, but ultimately the uncomfortable truths made me re-evaluate my behaviour and make things a whole lot better.

You have physically assaulted your husband and with your current emotional instability are you are in danger of becoming habitually abusive.

Just for one second imagine you did it again and this time the police got involved. Should your husband leave you then you could be in danger of losing your child. Get help before things escalate further.

This could have had some serious consequences for you. I agree he is probably a PITA and Christmas is a stressful time but unless you feel threatened (which you don't suggest in your post) then you just assaulted him. That can't carry on for you sake and the sake of the family. Personally if the in laws are causing strife avoid them for the time being. Engage with the talking therapy and talk things through with your DH. If he minimizes your feelings then it's time to start thinking about walking away. Violence in a relationship, no matter how minor, is never a good thing.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley re MIL is true to form, rude, doesnt even look at the lovely gifts we bought her. Without going in to too much detail, the family are very close and I began to feel my usual inferiority around them all. Left out, disregarded, not listened to.

Sorry you are right, that is the bit you were refering to and I had missed that. My apologuises. I got the impression from the OP that these problems were not just related to Christmas, but you are totally right that was what you meant and I had misread that. Very sorry

I agree with BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley that If you have an inferiority complex around certain people then you will constantly be looking out for evidence that supports your view that others look down on you or disregard your opinion. but also with Chopz re There is a big chance DH is blinded to their exclusiveness.

I have not read any of the OP's other threads (I don't quite know how people find them!) but if this is a habitual problem then I do agree with Heatherplant and with Learningtoletgo.

I don't think anyone is excusing the OP re hitting her dh. I think everyone has said that it is totally unacceptable behaviour. I have read all the posts but then I do have a terrible memory so if anyone has said it is OK, please excuse me!

However, OP, I do wonder if you have minimised it in your opening post?

It could have turned out a lot worse, what if the violence had escalated, he had hit you or you had hit him again etc! I know you are very upset and shaken by all this, but you said I feel like I've ruined Christmas. I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing evening with DH once they left. I'm lying here in tears.

I am not sure if the tears were for what had happened or for how you felt about it, how it affected you (spoiling Christmas or your evening) where as others have pointed out it could resulted in something much bigger and scarier if your dh had not been so calm.

You said early on in this thread I've no idea how to knock the door down to get him to hear me. That suggest you feel you need to act in an aggressive way to get dh to hear you. You need to make your counsellor away of this if they are not.

MY dh is calm in life, hates arguments etc. I find that quite hard to deal with at times! It means if we have an issue, sometimes he does not want to deal with it. Luckily, we have few issues and neither one of us has ever raised a finger to the other. Now you have hit him you have introduced this element of violence into the relationship, and you can't un-introduce it, all you can do is make sure it never happens again and get the right help for whatever is causing this.

I think some of you are being a tad harsh on the OP. She's admitted her shame at what she's done. She knows it's not acceptable. It sounds as though she's at the end of her tether, and lashed out in frustration. She came here for support or perhaps simply to offload.

For those of you who can honestly say you have never felt driven to acts of which you are ashamed or which are regrettable in the benefit of hindsight then bully for you.

But he HAS heard her. He just doesnt agree with her and that's what she finds frustrating and unacceptable. She obviously won't be happy until he has agreed that It is his mothers fault that she suffers from feelings of inadequacy and jealousy and resents their closeness. Sounds like she won't be happy until she has successfully driven a wedge between them by making him pick a side.

And the fact that he won't has earnt him a slap.

Re I'm not sure if you are seeking any medical help/counselling the Op has said she is in therapy or counselling.

Re Sounds like she won't be happy until she has successfully driven a wedge between them by making him pick a side. It may well go the other way and she may drive a wedge between her and her dh. IfI had been slapped last night I would not want to listen much to my partner.

I just hope that this terrible incident will spur harvey on to get to the bottom of these issues. Are they from a long way back, child hood etc, are they the result of postnatal depression etc?

I had anxiety about 20 years ago, right around the time I met DH. I was awful, it was awful. Luckily, I had a fabulous GP who refereed me to get help and I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) on the NHS and it was immensely helpful. I have not experienced anxiety (panic attacks) since I finished therapy/counselling.

CBT does not work for everyone, but it worked brilliantly for me. OP, I know what you are experiencing is not the same but what CBT did was put me back in charge of my own mental health, and it worked well.

I have a friend who has paranoia, what is so alarming for me when I speak to her is she is totally convinced - neighbour spying on her, people talking about her behind her back, friends leaving her. What is is so extra sad is she is causing one of these things to happen, the latter - friend leaving her - because she is so difficult to be around.

You are in real danger of driving your dh away.

Please do not minimise this at all. I thought some posters were being hard on you but on reflection I think you need to hear it.

(PS with my friend the 'friend' leaving her is not me!)

I think some of you are being a tad harsh on the OP.

Would this comment be made if the OP had been male and the person being slapped female.

Many of those that are violent say they are sorry and know it isn't acceptable.

It doesn't stop it happenING again and again and again.....

she came here for support or perhaps simply to offload.

Support is being truthful and honest absolutely not telling her what she just wants to hear. There are potentially serious long term consequences here if she doesn't get on top of her situation.

I also agree with badly it wasn't that she wasn't heard. He listened to her. He just didn't agree with her and got attacked for it.

From reading your threads OP you've got issues with your family, issues with your DH and now issues with his family. All in the space of a few months. It sounds like you're struggling and need some professional RL support.

It's hard to face up to criticism (I know what that's like) but it's an opportunity for finally sorting things out and getting on the right track.

I see at least one fool on this thread thinks that being disagreed with counts as emotional abuse, and therefore justifies physical abuse.

Some of the responses here are just ammunition for those who accuse MN of double standards - would those who are understanding towards the OP be the same towards a man who slapped his wife because he didn't like her attitude?