I just slapped DH

[harveybristol]

I'm so ashamed.
A long tiring day and the inlaws visit this evening. MIL is true to form, rude, doesnt even look at the lovely gifts we bought her. Without going in to too much detail, the family are very close and I began to feel my usual inferiority around them all. Left out, disregarded, not listened to.

I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air feeling downhearted, came home to see they had left, DH asked what my problem was. I told him honestly, he tells me it's all in my head as usual and then I suddenly slapped him and walked off.

I've shocked him and myself, I've never done anything like this before. I'm massively frustrated at DH not being able to just accept and acknowledge my feelings, have been for a while but never expected I'd do anything like this. What shall I do?

DH hasn't said a word and has gone to the spare room for the night. I feel like I've ruined Christmas. I was looking forward to a lovely relaxing evening with DH once they left. I'm lying here in tears :(

Obviously the OP would not have begun the thread if she'd thought her behaviour was acceptable. Consequently there is no justification for posting simply to (rudely) point it out.

Mixed in with the genuine sign-posting to help, there are truckloads of abuse from posters who clearly get some kind of gratification from condemning someone. It serves no purpose in someone who sees the problem with their behaviour and is only likely to tip her into unconstructive self-loathing and panic, neither of which will help her move forward.

If posters have been hurt by domestic violence in the past, perhaps they should direct their unhelpful letters of condemnation towards whoever hurt them. Or seek counselling and learn to let go. Or sit down and think about all the people who have had to tolerate their flaws in the past (that is not minimising the abuse, I'm just pointing out that we should always remember we're not angels when we're making comments).

If you want someone to treat others with respect, the first thing you do is show them what it feels like to be treated with respect. You model the behaviour. You restrain the aggression and keep it constructive.

There are too many posters on the relationships board who like to gather around a virtual 'abuser' and verbally kick him/her to death because 'they deserve it'. I'm very sorry if you have suffered in an abusive relationship in the past, but just remember that the worst bullies are often those who have been victimised themselves in the past. Don't turn into that.

Don't think that everyone who disagrees with you in your treatment of this poster must have a lax attitude to abuse. Some people, like myself, simply see that abusing the abuser and standing around finding different words to 'kick' them with leads to nothing but self-indulgent remorse and confusion. At best.

If posters have been hurt by domestic violence in the past, perhaps they should direct their unhelpful letters of condemnation towards whoever hurt them.

How condescending can you get!

Or seek counselling and learn to let go. Or sit down and think about all the people who have had to tolerate their flaws in the past (that is not minimising the abuse, I'm just pointing out that we should always remember we're not angels when we're making comments).

That is bordering on victim blaming imo.

When people think they can say whatever they like to someone who has already admitted their fault, and say it without anything constructive to add, I can only think their 'victimhood' has caused them to lose sight of decent behaviour. So yes, being a victim can certainly cause you to make mistakes in the future. It doesn't have to but it can.

There is no justification for condemning someone who is already acknowledging their fault and has asked for help. It's gratuitous bullying masquerading as holier-than-thou pearl-clutching and nothing more.

lost I'm not even going to start on what is wrong with your post.

Personally I'm gratified to see that the majority of posters have taken a gender neutral, zero tolerance approach on this thread. DV is never acceptable, justifiable or excuseable.

And no one was trying to accept, justify or excuse it - but go on fighting an imaginary enemy if it makes you feel better

And no one was trying to accept, justify or excuse it

They did, without checking back I can remember at least one response suggesting that the OP was justified on the basis of being a victim of emotional abuse.

I'm sorry and this has probably and hopefully already been said but if we roll reversed much of this advise would have been very different. It is not acceptable to strike another person regardless of frustrations. If a man had of come on here saying he had slapped his wife then I think these comments would have been very very different.
We all have frustrations with our partners, my in laws are pretty Coke most if the time and yet he thinks they can go no wrong. I may moan yes but I would never think of hitting him because he doesn't agree with me.

No it's not acceptable and the OP doesn't think it was acceptable. You don't need to convert her to that mindset; she started a thread (goodness knows why, given the way these go) from the starting point that it wasn't acceptable. At no point did she say she thought it was acceptable. In fact, she disappeared and is no longer participating in the dialogue on this thread - not surprising given the comments and really not helpful to her situation.

Posters are, of course, right to feel it's a dreadful way to act, but saying that in the most condemnatory way possible is an unnecessary line to take (and far from sufficient as a response) given that the OP has disclosed her personal response to her behaviour.

The poster suggesting that emotional abuse may have been at play was reading too much into it, yes, but I can see how they were trying to be helpful. A person who isn't listened to and whose 'soft start-ups' are repeatedly dismissed will experience rage and ramp up the volume. The OP described a pattern of behaviour in her DP that may be emotionally abusive insofar as it seems to be dismissive and stonewalling her concerns. But we don't know and it's certainly not justification for her behaviour - she is still responsible for that.

But to really understand why the behaviour happened (something that posters seem to agree is necessary but then are unable to get past their ire to actually help with), it's necessary to have a talk about how the OP feels. She will feel anger; that's why she acted the way she did. She needs to be able to explain that without posters assuming she is blaming the victim or justifying her behaviour. Her feelings of anger are quite valid and need to be distinct from the behavioural response she chose to use.

I can't help thinking that if posters are as horrified about domestic violence as they claim to be, they would work harder at engaging with an OP. Complaining and condemning is easy and satisfying. Helping is harder. If posters are too constrained by their own issues to help, they shouldn't post on a thread like this, where the OP is pretty vulnerable and has come to a 'safe space' to work out what to do next - for the purposes of behaving better in her marriage. Vilifying her for existing and admitting what she's done is pretty disgusting.

where the OP is pretty vulnerable and has come to a 'safe space'

An anonymous, open forum is not a 'safe space' nor should it be seen as one.

You should feel ashamed. You assaulted your husband because you were pissed off with his family, and like some of the others I have had a quick browse through your posting history. You need to address your issues, NOW.

to those who are downplaying this, I really don't think you would be if the genders were the other way around.

OP as a point of reference, my ExP was stopped from seeing our DS for a period of time because he assaulted me whilst DS was in the house. I don't think you completely accept responsibility for your actions, because you are still attempting to justify it with how much his family had irritated you. You should be completely disgusted with what you have done, and if any part of you is thinking "yeah but I WAS really pissed off", then you need to consider attending an abusers course as well, for the safety of your DH and your child.

Yes, that's exactly why it's a safe space. She can say what she likes, outside of the situation. No, she can't assume everything she hears is of value, but she has the opportunity to 'speak out' her thoughts and feelings here, and receive a variety of responses. That is one kind of safe space.

It's just a shame when the community to whom she's talking don't play up and do their bit.

OP, I'm really confused about what is going on in your life. On 3rd October you told us you were on maternity leave but on 19th November you said you were working with your husband, and on 4th December you said your child was almost 2. On 19th November and today you were married to your DH, but on 4th December you were frustrated because there was no marriage proposal in sight. Could you explain?

Have you read the thread Maximo?!

It's fine for your husband to forgive you, that's his right. It's not fine for you to forgive yourself for this. You need to take action and get yourself some anger management. Do you have children at home?

Actually, changing behaviour always involves forgiving yourself.

Yes but not today, she has to do the work before she can forgive herself id imagine.

lost

You've made some interesting points - my concern is that no-one would apply that much nuance to the situation if the genders were reversed.

Forgiving yourself but not giving yourself excuses to be abusive. Not the same thing, and not the same night you've assaulted someone.

What a dog you are op! Look how many people are queuing up to tell you, all b&w. Do you hear? You are a BAD BAD person. Bad!

You don't stand a chance posting this, not a chance.

I agree with lost re There is no justification for condemning someone who is already acknowledging their fault and has asked for help. It's gratuitous bullying masquerading as holier-than-thou . They even read your previous threads to draw up a comprehensive condemnation: you are BAD, through and through.

Imo this kind of violence bears no resemblance to violence that manifests after/alongside a pattern of a sustained pattern of control, emotional or physical. I do not see that pattern in you. Although women can of course be physically violent as a manifestation of a pattern of abuse, this kind of violence can more often be a manifestation of extreme powerlessness.

If you put aside the howling wolves op: you know this is wrong (you've said so but noone wants to hear it, too busy putting you in the stocks). Iiwy I would effect a separation while you address this urgently. The wolves will insist you leave this very instant, taking nothing or no-one with you, cast into outer darkness to receive your punishment in exile, but imo the issue is likely to be the dynamic between you and your husband and whomever is the main caregiver should stay with the children to protect their stability.

To lump this incident in with sustained domestic abuse is shortsighted imo and I do hope future research and knowledge makes clear the distinction. I doubt the breast hoikers will hear it but they may be forced to.

you know this is wrong (you've said so but noone wants to hear it, too busy putting you in the stocks

And many who abuse also know what they do is wrong. Say sorry, say it won't happen again, are ashamed.

Yet it happens again!

Imo this kind of violence bears no resemblance to violence that manifests after/alongside a pattern of a sustained pattern of control, emotional or physical. I do not see that pattern in you.

Do you know the OP?

I have a friend with various MH issues who has a massive inferiority issues in relation to her PiL. Her DH is an only-child, privately educated and well travelled. My friend is, well, is not at all like this. But they have been married 10+ years and have 2 children.

At times of my friends peaked MH issues and inferiority complex, she came to an agreement with her DH to limit time spent with his parents. He started taking the children to visit PiL alone, leaving her at home with the dogs (ie an excuse to politely explain her absence). Or he would deliberately take one child, leaving the other home with Mum then the next visit take the other - again giving my friend a reason valid to stay at home.

They still saw his parents every now and again, usually Christmas. But not as often. The point was DH acknowledged her feelings of inferiority in front of his parents. He wholly disagreed (she isn't inferior to them) but tried to find practical ways to deal with the situation.

At times when my friend is feeling emotionally strong, she will visit his parents often along with her husband and children. When feeling delicate, he will support her with finding 'excuses' and limiting her exposure. All the time while trying to bolster her self esteem so she feels less and less inferior.

So OP - there are ways to resolve this.

Dipankrispaneven I'm confused too.
OP did you fall in live with your best friend and fall pregnant with a ds? Or did you meet him at work and have a DD? Has it been 3 years or 4? Is the child 2 or a new baby? Are you on mat leave or working with your DH/p?

I'm not sure those details really matter, she may change minor unimportant details for privacy. Although it's a bit daft to do it under the same user name.

badly I get what you're saying but unless there's a good explanation as to why someone would lie about such silly little things, then I'm inclined to think that this may be untrue too, and only posted to see the reaction.

Of course if it is true, OP is completely out of order and if genders were reversed the advice would be a hell of a lot different from some posters.