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Relationships

Reunited with my ex- fiance but he can't accept I have a child

101 replies

NicolaLesley123 · 22/12/2015 21:59

Hi all

I am 41 years of age and have recently met up with my ex-fiancé for a drink and a catch up and now I am feeling in despair as he has told me that he doesn't know whether we can try again as I have a child (to another man).

I met him when I was 26 and he was 25. At that time he had a good day-job but also worked the doors. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and I think he felt much the same way as on our first date he proposed. Even though it was a jokey proposal and we were both a bit drunk he told me that he was going to marry me.

Given his commitment to his night time job I felt I spent the first year of our relationship having snatched time with him where I was competing with him working the door and spending time with his friends who worked with him. He was using cocaine at the time quite a lot at the weekends and I wondered where this would lead. I seemed to spend my life nagging him and telling him I wanted him to come off the door, stop using drugs etc etc.

After a couple of years together, and him coming off the door (but not the weekend cocaine) he moved in with me and he proposed (properly this time!!). We started planning a wedding and we were a few months from getting married when I ended the relationship. The trigger was me getting home from work and seeing that he had already used cocaine. I said I had had enough of listening to my own voice nagging and that I needed a break. I moved out for a couple of weeks during which time I decided that I couldn't marry a person who had a coke habit. I really wanted kids but just had a nagging doubt that he wasn't the right person due to his lifestyle.

To cut a long story short we split up; he met me to talk about it and I remember he was crying and upset but I felt nothing. I think I was just so angry and fed up that I had turned myself cold towards him.

I met someone else really quickly and within a year I was pregnant. We split up when my son was still a young baby.

Following that I had long periods of being single combined with "dates". I had a few short-term relationships which amounted to nothing as I didn't feel the love as I had with my ex-fiance. I was with someone for a couple of years however I can truly say I don't know why as I didn't love him and think I was just lonely and fed up of meeting men who were callous.

My ex-fiancé got in touch with me through Facebook on a couple of occasions over the years. We chatted a bit and then it faded out. To be honest we had a bit of a Facebook fallout as I had put a comment on my status about me having used up my quota of decent men when I was in my twenties and he responded to it with a comment which made me feel he was enjoying my upset. I responded to his comment saying that being single was better than settling for second best.

Anyway, we have recently been talking again and we met up on Saturday afternoon. I insisted before we met that I didn't want anything aside from friendship however when I was with him I wanted to be with him again. He has stopped the cocaine (and did so years ago) and has concentrated on his day-job and as a result has started his own business. He is doing really well and I saw the man I fell in love with. I felt like crying at different points throughout our "date" as I was sad we had thrown it all away those years ago.

The date didn't end too well as he said he only had an hour left as he had arranged to meet friends and I took that as rejection and stormed out. Very childish I know but I have had rejection in one form or another over the years and felt really vulnerable. We have since sorted that issue out - he told me he made plans as I had insisted that we should be friends and nothing more.

We have spoken since by text and over the phone. However he has said that we need to be cautious as I left him broken hearted last time and he doesn't want to go through it again. He also told me he was very annoyed that I had had someone else's child. He doesn't know how he feels about that (he has had girlfriends over the years but never got married or had a child). He also said he had never been out with anyone who has kids.

I have explained that I made a mistake with the choice of my son's father but could never regret having my son as he's my life. To be fair to my ex though I am not sure I could accept him having a child with someone else. In this instance though, if he had have had a child it would have put us on a level playing field and he would be more accepting of my position.

I have suggested the odd day to see him again so we can talk things through; he said he wants to meet me again but hasn't been agreeable to the dates I've suggested, saying he has plans already, busy with work etc etc. I feel lonely and desperate to get him back. I think I probably feel even worse as it's Christmas and I don't have a close relationship with my family so I am contemplating on being alone for much of the break.

How to I persuade my ex to accept my situation and try again with me or is there too much history between us which means it will never work? I would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Thanks and sorry for going on.

Nik xx

OP posts:
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ExBallerina · 22/12/2015 22:31

Yeah, I wouldn't go there.

You're not together anymore for very good reasons. And you haven't had a good start at rekindling the relationship.

And saying that about your son is just inexcusable. You were allowed to have a life after him.

You're better off without.

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MajesticWhine · 22/12/2015 22:32

I agree with the comment that exes are exes for a reason. You made a good decision to end it all those years ago. There is no reason to think it would work now. Something about the relationship sounds toxic. You sound lonely, but he is not the answer, you can do better.

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suzannecaravaggio · 22/12/2015 22:34

he said he wants to meet me again but hasn't been agreeable to the dates I've suggested, saying he has plans already, busy with work etc etc

he's playing hard to get
acting all disinterested in order to try and make you run after him
all bluff because this is not a man worth getting

can you imagine how monstrous he'd be if you let him get his feet under the tableShock

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sleeponeday · 22/12/2015 22:35

Your child deserves so, so much better than this.

You do too, obviously, but the thing is, a few brief years in a shitty relationship as an adult is not a huge deal. A waste, but not a disaster. That time can be left in the past and better days found, without irrecoverable damage.

But out of a childhood? It can be an absolute catastrophe.

This man would be hideously destructive to your child's sense of worth, security, and importance in your life. His very existence is resented, and he's not even met the guy. What more do you need to know, tbh?

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russetbella1000 · 22/12/2015 22:37

Just echoing what everyone else has said.

Honestly, can't you see him for what he is? A self-centred man child.

After all these years he doesn't seem able to accept anything is his fault and you are enabling him...He has successfully made you think that your son might prevent you and him having an amazing relationship together.

The reality is, he is/was an addict who can't accept reality. But of course that is never his fault. People like him cannot accept reality and blame everyone else to distract from their own inadequacies...

I really hope you're not so desperate. Your son deserves better as you do.

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Hissy · 22/12/2015 22:38

He's not even trying to hide what a cunt he is!

You left him for good reason, don't take him back, don't betray your child like that.

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Seriouslyffs · 22/12/2015 22:40

Obviously what with there being no men at all left in the world after the world wide man massacre, you have to make compromises. You go girl!
Wait what?

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Candlelight30 · 22/12/2015 22:41

Oh what a load of melodramatic nonsense.

The pair of you need to grow up and go your separate ways. For your sons sake if nothing else.

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PushingThru · 22/12/2015 22:42

Jesus fucking Christ. He was ' annoyed I had someone else's child'. You had your child!

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Quornmakesmefart · 22/12/2015 22:43

Sounds to me as if you weren't right for each other first time around and you're still not now.

You and your son deserve so much better.

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Lelania · 22/12/2015 22:45

Entering a relationship with someone who has children was never my plan. But when I met my boyfriend I loved him and accepted that his children are part of him. It's hard sometimes, especially as his family believe he should be with his ex. But I with never ever resented his children. And would never make them feel that they are an inconvenience.

If he is unable to accept your child he doesn't love you.

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eastwest · 22/12/2015 22:49

I wouldn't run for the hills immediately. You have only just met each other again and there is a lot of mental adjustment to be done. At least he is being honest about his feelings rather than just seething. (I am hazarding a guess you don't mean 'annoyed', more like 'upset' or 'hurt' because that makes more sense.) Couldn't he meet your child - things may feel very different after a few months of friendship/ getting to know each other. It is not necessarily all or nothing right from the very start.
Lots of people use cocaine/ party drugs especially when they're younger, and if he's given it up I don't see why that's a problem.

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AnyFucker · 22/12/2015 22:52

I wouldn't let this bloke within half a mile of my child.

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Hassled · 22/12/2015 22:55

It all just sounds way, way too complicated. And you must know you're on a hiding to nothing if he's struggling with the concept that you have a child.

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tribpot · 22/12/2015 22:57

I've got a couple more dead horses that need flogging when you've finished with this one.

You don't seem to value yourself very highly if you think any of this shit is worth putting up with. So he's managed to get himself off the coke, that seems to be the only difference between him now and him then. He treated you like crap then and he's still doing it now. Why the fuck would you chase after that? Could you make it any clearer that he will be able to walk all over you if he ever deigns to have a relationship with you? He's seized on something you can't ever change and using it to pull you down.

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TimeToMuskUp · 22/12/2015 23:01

Wow. I cannot imagine even beginning to feel emotions/attraction for someone who I knew resented my son (and I have a son from a previous relationship, and am married to a man who isn't his Dad). Not even for a second. He's a dong and deserves nothing from you. Delete and block from Facebook. And don't flounce out on dates, that's just over-dramatic stuff.

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TroubleinDaFamily · 22/12/2015 23:02

Ex for a reason.

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BitchPeas · 22/12/2015 23:06

Block his number and email, delete his number and email, block him on Facebook, he wants you to chase him to prove yourself worthy of his time. Don't lower yourself. He's a fuckwitted Coke head who you left for good reason. He sounds like a loser that has not grown up a day in the last 15 years. Run away!

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TeaFathers · 22/12/2015 23:06

prick. total twat.
please think about what you're doing here. you can't be that stuck for a man can you?

and as someone said on here, i forget who, in respect of going back to an ex:
would you buy back your old car?

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R3alxmastr33 · 22/12/2015 23:10

You walked away the first time, that was the right thing to do

To walk away for the second time, is the right thing to do (hold your head up high)

He is not the right man for you or your child

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AyeAmarok · 22/12/2015 23:11

Neither of you sound mature enough for this relationship.

Him because he thinks he retained lifelong ownership of you and your reproductivity after you split (and split for very good reason.

You because of all the melodramatic tantruming during your date, and the FB sniping.

Stay away from this man!

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Junebugjr · 22/12/2015 23:18

This man is telling you who he is- you need to listen.
I think you need to work on yourself massively before you get into any relationship. Possibly some counselling and definitely The Freedom Programme, building up a good supprt network. Your willingness and desperation to get into a relationship with a man who poses a potential threat to your son isn't normal behaviour. You need to address this.
Take your feelings about him out of the equation and look what he has told you. Most abusers use a softly softly approach in the beginning, this man is coming straight out with it, imagine what he'll be like when he's really comfortable. Don't take the fucking chance love.

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summerwinterton · 22/12/2015 23:23

Block him on FB and on your phone then go and do some work on yourself as to why you would ever think any communication with this man would ever be a good idea.

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gBean · 22/12/2015 23:24

I didn't read the whole (very long) op but if he can't accept your child then it's bye bye to him

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CocktailQueen · 22/12/2015 23:27

It's all much too hard work.

He was a coke head.

Now he's controlling and telling you what you should do?

No. No. No.

Run away. He's not right for you or your son.

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