Reunited with my ex- fiance but he can't accept I have a child

[NicolaLesley123]

Hi all

I am 41 years of age and have recently met up with my ex-fiancé for a drink and a catch up and now I am feeling in despair as he has told me that he doesn't know whether we can try again as I have a child (to another man).

I met him when I was 26 and he was 25. At that time he had a good day-job but also worked the doors. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and I think he felt much the same way as on our first date he proposed. Even though it was a jokey proposal and we were both a bit drunk he told me that he was going to marry me.

Given his commitment to his night time job I felt I spent the first year of our relationship having snatched time with him where I was competing with him working the door and spending time with his friends who worked with him. He was using cocaine at the time quite a lot at the weekends and I wondered where this would lead. I seemed to spend my life nagging him and telling him I wanted him to come off the door, stop using drugs etc etc.

After a couple of years together, and him coming off the door (but not the weekend cocaine) he moved in with me and he proposed (properly this time!!). We started planning a wedding and we were a few months from getting married when I ended the relationship. The trigger was me getting home from work and seeing that he had already used cocaine. I said I had had enough of listening to my own voice nagging and that I needed a break. I moved out for a couple of weeks during which time I decided that I couldn't marry a person who had a coke habit. I really wanted kids but just had a nagging doubt that he wasn't the right person due to his lifestyle.

To cut a long story short we split up; he met me to talk about it and I remember he was crying and upset but I felt nothing. I think I was just so angry and fed up that I had turned myself cold towards him.

I met someone else really quickly and within a year I was pregnant. We split up when my son was still a young baby.

Following that I had long periods of being single combined with "dates". I had a few short-term relationships which amounted to nothing as I didn't feel the love as I had with my ex-fiance. I was with someone for a couple of years however I can truly say I don't know why as I didn't love him and think I was just lonely and fed up of meeting men who were callous.

My ex-fiancé got in touch with me through Facebook on a couple of occasions over the years. We chatted a bit and then it faded out. To be honest we had a bit of a Facebook fallout as I had put a comment on my status about me having used up my quota of decent men when I was in my twenties and he responded to it with a comment which made me feel he was enjoying my upset. I responded to his comment saying that being single was better than settling for second best.

Anyway, we have recently been talking again and we met up on Saturday afternoon. I insisted before we met that I didn't want anything aside from friendship however when I was with him I wanted to be with him again. He has stopped the cocaine (and did so years ago) and has concentrated on his day-job and as a result has started his own business. He is doing really well and I saw the man I fell in love with. I felt like crying at different points throughout our "date" as I was sad we had thrown it all away those years ago.

The date didn't end too well as he said he only had an hour left as he had arranged to meet friends and I took that as rejection and stormed out. Very childish I know but I have had rejection in one form or another over the years and felt really vulnerable. We have since sorted that issue out - he told me he made plans as I had insisted that we should be friends and nothing more.

We have spoken since by text and over the phone. However he has said that we need to be cautious as I left him broken hearted last time and he doesn't want to go through it again. He also told me he was very annoyed that I had had someone else's child. He doesn't know how he feels about that (he has had girlfriends over the years but never got married or had a child). He also said he had never been out with anyone who has kids.

I have explained that I made a mistake with the choice of my son's father but could never regret having my son as he's my life. To be fair to my ex though I am not sure I could accept him having a child with someone else. In this instance though, if he had have had a child it would have put us on a level playing field and he would be more accepting of my position.

I have suggested the odd day to see him again so we can talk things through; he said he wants to meet me again but hasn't been agreeable to the dates I've suggested, saying he has plans already, busy with work etc etc. I feel lonely and desperate to get him back. I think I probably feel even worse as it's Christmas and I don't have a close relationship with my family so I am contemplating on being alone for much of the break.

How to I persuade my ex to accept my situation and try again with me or is there too much history between us which means it will never work? I would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Thanks and sorry for going on.

Nik xx

[TeaFathers]

well done. and now consign him to the bin of absolute fuckers who must be forgotten about for all of time.

[ArcticCactus]

My stepfather has, over the years said that when he met my mother (recently abandoned, with two small children in tow) that he fell for all three of us.

That's the kind of man you want.

This guys sounds truly horrendous- he thinks he still owned your body after the breakup. He resents you had your son. He thinks he's a glorious God who must be put first by his little wifey.

Run fast, run far. Not only would I not enter into a relationship with this guy, I'd never want to speak to him again and I'd be having a long, harsh look at why I'd not laughed him out of the building when that little gem issues from his lips...,

[springydaffs]

I'm baffled you even considered this 'man' tbh. He's trouble from beginning to end. Hasn't moved on in nearly 20 years? Give me a break.

You say you won't expose your son to him - but what about you? Why did you even consider exposing yourself to him?

Yy I get Christmas, and loneliness (believe me I do) but something's gone seriously skew if you even considered this knob. You say there's more to him/you but, honestly, you missed the main points - which are as clear as day, with bells on, to anyone not involved.

Which is why we need others input. Which you've had, and seen the light - phew. I'm not sure you've seen the light as far as you're concerned, though? New Year's resolution: do the Freedom Programme. It'll clear away any funny thinking.

[NicolaLesley123]

Ha ha Miss Apple I love that

[MissApple]

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means no one else wanted them either. Set them free again

[timelytess]

Sorry Im late, well done. You definitely made the right decision. I was going to say 'tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck', which one sometimes reads on MN and seems quite appropriate. But you've done it. Well done.

[AnyFucker]

phew

[mamaneedsamojito]

Sorry - didn't RTFT. Well done OP!

[mamaneedsamojito]

A mother should put her child first. Children are very perceptive and if your ex-f has any negative feelings/attitude towards your son he is bound to pick up on it. Don't put him through it OP.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Well done OP, particularly strong of you given the season

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done OP.
That's very positive for your future.
But please take part in the Freedom Programme if you haven't already.

[NicolaLesley123]

Final update - I have advised him I don't want to meet up again as I have always prioritised my son and don't think trying again is in any of our interests. I feel better and knew it was what I needed to. Thanks for all of you being behind me and giving me the encouragement to do what was right.

[BishopBrennansArse]

I can see right now you're going to give it a go with this man.
You're 41 acting 14.

Just remember in the midst of all the melodrama you're mistaking for a grand passion there is a 10 year old boy who should have been put first. Know that if you inflict upon him a self obsessed prick who resents his existence one day you'll lose him.

Is it worth it?

[TooSassy]

OP when you tell him you and your son are a team he may go into full on damage control mode and have a 'change of heart' about the whole situation. Continue to run for the hills.
He hasn't had a change of heart, he's shown his true colours and is just trying to reel you in.

Do not have anything more to do with this awful man.

[Offred]

I'm afraid an ex coke head who hasn't been able to move on for nearly twenty years is not a good idea even if he manages to convince you he has 'accepted' your son.

You seem still hung up on him too. You may have had other relationships and a child but from the way you wrote about him on here you have never moved on either. In fact I think this is the only reason you are giving him headspace now - you are imparting the relationship with him significance it doesn't deserve because you have never got him out of your head.

Run, far and fast and stop wasting your energy on him.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm struggling to think what positive slant you could have put on the drug use and "resentment".

When you say that you're reunited, do you mean you met up for a coffee?

[Dragonsdaughter]

You and your son are not a 'team' in this situation - You are a parent who is reponsible for a child and who and what you engage with. If you had a relationship of any sort with this guy and your son discovered you were even friendly let alone sleeping with somone who resented him it could be devastating. Your language over this is very disordered and reflects your thinking.

[Jan45]

OMG, OP, he didn't love you enough to give up that shit and he still doesn't, blaming your child as the latest obstacle, all excuses because he was never really committed to you in the first place and yes don't use your loneliness as a reason to try and pin him down, it wont work.

Any man who reacted the way he has when told you had actually went on and had a life (the life he was offering you was he goes out and gets wasted while you nag him, great).........I am struggling to say anything positive about him, he sounds bloody awful.

You are a team yes, and your son I'm sure means a lot more to you than some ex from your past that preferred snorting crap up his nostril to making a life with you, another lucky escape I'd say!

[category12]

"he is the one who was never able to move on"

I can see it being a great ego boost to believe basically that for him, no-one could ever match you and suchlike... But it's actually emotionally stunted of him (and more like an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy with people than the truth). And what's more, it's dangerous because you can never live up to that, cos you went and had a child.

Also you believe he's playing mindgames as a "defence mechanism". This is not cute or symbolic or meaning love will conquer all, this is manipulative and toxic and again reveals he's not fit for a relationship. He's 40odd years old, this is how he is, he should have a healthier way of dealing with other humans by now.

Don't get sucked in.

[Duckdeamon]

I doubt posters' advice would have been different had you sung his praises OP.

He was hurt (so he says) when you left and moved on simply because of his own actions/addiction: acting all hurt and untrusting and like you have things to make up for shows he doesn't take responsibility for his actions- his narrative is bollocks, don't go along with it!

[NicolaLesley123]

Thanks again for everyone's advice and support. I suppose when you're explaining situations on here you do so according to how you feel at that particular time. I could add the many positives for my ex (and my own negatives) and extract a very different response! I know he will get back in touch to meet up as he is the one who was never able to move on, and despite him being "unavailable" to meet me I know this is his own defence mechanism as he has told me he's scared of being hurt again.

I've decided that when he gets back in touch to tell him I can't be with him as me and my son are a team. I understand his feelings and accept them but can only be with someone who could love my child.

As a few of you have picked up on I am lonely at this time of year but that's not a good enough reason to reunite with someone who has issues about me being a mum.

Thanks again to you all x

[CastaDiva]

I'm also worried at your choice of wording, OP - from the title, people would think you have resumed a serious relationship with your ex-fiancé, but in fact you 'met' again via Facebook and had a falling-out about a comment, recently met once for coffee and again had a falling-out because he had plans for later, then have spoken on the phone a few times, after which he has seemed uninterested in meeting again.

This isn't in any sense being 'reunited', nor should it be - as others have said, there's nothing at all wrong with being honest at the outset that you don't want a relationship with someone who has a child, but he's apparently not that interested in resuming your relationship, doesn't share your sunny memories of your engagement (suspiciously sunny, given that this relationship was half a lifetime ago and involved a selfish, unavailable cokehead who wasn't prepared to change his lifestyle to keep his fiancée - is this the rosy and completely inaccurate glow of nostalgia?), and - without sounding nasty - it's clear from your posts that you have a history of poor judgement around relationships, and you are feeling needy, lonely and desperate. Even if he was Mr Perfect, you're in the wrong place to start a relationship, even without all the red flags.

The Freedom programme and/or some counselling sounds like a good idea. Good luck.

[RedMapleLeaf]

So if you weren't ever going to introduce him in to your life/family, what were you considering? What were you asking this thread about?

[hellsbellsmelons]

As Junebugjr has already suggested please do the Freedom Programme.
Contact Womens Aid and try to attend the sessions in person.
If that is not feasible then do the online course.
There's red flags flying all over the place here and you can't seem to see them. Get your boundaries in place and don't move them for men such as this.

[LuluJakey1]

You are sounding desperate. Ask yourself why?

Why would you be desperate to suddenly be back in a relationship with this man who is telling you very clearly who he is and keeping you at a distance.

He may well have sorted lots about himself out. He is being honest and saying it might be a problem for him that you had a child to someone else so quickly. He sounds like he has unresolved anger towards you which isn't great.

You need to stop kdding yourself and him by saying you just want to be friends and stop trying to control things.

Ex partners are ex partners because things went very wrong and you couldn't or didn't care enough to resolve thngs. Can't see this has a hope in hell to be honest. It is Christmas and you are lonely. That us why you are so desperate. Leave him alone until mid-January and then take thngs very very slowly and see.