Reunited with my ex- fiance but he can't accept I have a child

[NicolaLesley123]

Hi all

I am 41 years of age and have recently met up with my ex-fiancé for a drink and a catch up and now I am feeling in despair as he has told me that he doesn't know whether we can try again as I have a child (to another man).

I met him when I was 26 and he was 25. At that time he had a good day-job but also worked the doors. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and I think he felt much the same way as on our first date he proposed. Even though it was a jokey proposal and we were both a bit drunk he told me that he was going to marry me.

Given his commitment to his night time job I felt I spent the first year of our relationship having snatched time with him where I was competing with him working the door and spending time with his friends who worked with him. He was using cocaine at the time quite a lot at the weekends and I wondered where this would lead. I seemed to spend my life nagging him and telling him I wanted him to come off the door, stop using drugs etc etc.

After a couple of years together, and him coming off the door (but not the weekend cocaine) he moved in with me and he proposed (properly this time!!). We started planning a wedding and we were a few months from getting married when I ended the relationship. The trigger was me getting home from work and seeing that he had already used cocaine. I said I had had enough of listening to my own voice nagging and that I needed a break. I moved out for a couple of weeks during which time I decided that I couldn't marry a person who had a coke habit. I really wanted kids but just had a nagging doubt that he wasn't the right person due to his lifestyle.

To cut a long story short we split up; he met me to talk about it and I remember he was crying and upset but I felt nothing. I think I was just so angry and fed up that I had turned myself cold towards him.

I met someone else really quickly and within a year I was pregnant. We split up when my son was still a young baby.

Following that I had long periods of being single combined with "dates". I had a few short-term relationships which amounted to nothing as I didn't feel the love as I had with my ex-fiance. I was with someone for a couple of years however I can truly say I don't know why as I didn't love him and think I was just lonely and fed up of meeting men who were callous.

My ex-fiancé got in touch with me through Facebook on a couple of occasions over the years. We chatted a bit and then it faded out. To be honest we had a bit of a Facebook fallout as I had put a comment on my status about me having used up my quota of decent men when I was in my twenties and he responded to it with a comment which made me feel he was enjoying my upset. I responded to his comment saying that being single was better than settling for second best.

Anyway, we have recently been talking again and we met up on Saturday afternoon. I insisted before we met that I didn't want anything aside from friendship however when I was with him I wanted to be with him again. He has stopped the cocaine (and did so years ago) and has concentrated on his day-job and as a result has started his own business. He is doing really well and I saw the man I fell in love with. I felt like crying at different points throughout our "date" as I was sad we had thrown it all away those years ago.

The date didn't end too well as he said he only had an hour left as he had arranged to meet friends and I took that as rejection and stormed out. Very childish I know but I have had rejection in one form or another over the years and felt really vulnerable. We have since sorted that issue out - he told me he made plans as I had insisted that we should be friends and nothing more.

We have spoken since by text and over the phone. However he has said that we need to be cautious as I left him broken hearted last time and he doesn't want to go through it again. He also told me he was very annoyed that I had had someone else's child. He doesn't know how he feels about that (he has had girlfriends over the years but never got married or had a child). He also said he had never been out with anyone who has kids.

I have explained that I made a mistake with the choice of my son's father but could never regret having my son as he's my life. To be fair to my ex though I am not sure I could accept him having a child with someone else. In this instance though, if he had have had a child it would have put us on a level playing field and he would be more accepting of my position.

I have suggested the odd day to see him again so we can talk things through; he said he wants to meet me again but hasn't been agreeable to the dates I've suggested, saying he has plans already, busy with work etc etc. I feel lonely and desperate to get him back. I think I probably feel even worse as it's Christmas and I don't have a close relationship with my family so I am contemplating on being alone for much of the break.

How to I persuade my ex to accept my situation and try again with me or is there too much history between us which means it will never work? I would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Thanks and sorry for going on.

Nik xx

[CastaDiva]

You're having some kind of mid-life 'the one that got away crisis', because your ex has changed the two things you (rightly) left him for, aeons ago. However, even without the drug habit and the bouncer job, you're still left with someone who sounds juvenile, self-centred, critical of you, and already starting mindgames. Don't go there. You and your child are worth more than that.

[GingerIvy]

Couldn't he meet your child - things may feel very different after a few months of friendship/ getting to know each other.

So the OP should bring her child to him for an "audition" to see if he can be tolerated?? Fuck that!

Run fast and run far. He's a twat.

[LovesPeace]

You could put your child up for adoption?

Then you could marry this lovely man, without a horrible child getting in the way?

[gatewalker]

OP, this has "co-dependency" written all over it. But I'm not sure you'll see that.

[Baconyum]

Agree run!

No way would I ever be with someone who didn't get its me and my daughter and frankly you'd actually better treat her even better than me.

He's 40 and has never had a serious relationship or children
Won't date women who've got kids (even without the history you have)
Could still be a drug addict (that alone would have meant I'd never have had anything to do with him again)
Already trying to control you.

For perspective my sbxh and his now 2nd wife had a baby less than 9 months after we split. He is a lovely boy who my daughter adores. The circumstances of his existence are not of his making. Over the years I have even bought and sent birthday and Christmas gifts ( 'from' dd) and he's gone on days out with dd and I. I would never present or blame him for his parents actions.

This isn't about you having a baby 'so soon after us' but about there being another person demanding your love and attention. This guy wants to always be the first priority in a relationship. Very immature.

[experiencedpresenthider]

Your OP made me feel very sad and worried for your son. You say your DS is your life-don't expose him to the risk this man presents to him( and to your relationship with DS).

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, it's not that he can't accept that you have a child. He can't accept that you have had a life since your relationship ended.

He may have given up the coke, but he hasn't changed. And the fact that you reverted straight back to old patterns within hours of meeting is a worrying sign.

You had good reasons to end it with him. You've met up and found out they haven't gone away. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[DadWasHere]

No future in this.

Well, there is, just not anything resembling a happy one.

[Mince314]

He sounds an eejit. You're 41. He should be glad for you that you do have a child.

[NicolaLesley123]

Just to avoid any confusion I wouldn't introduce this guy or anyone else to my son without a long time passing and them jumping through hoops! I refer to my history of dating and relationships - my son wasn't aware of that and in 10 years he met 2 boyfriends (rather than a string of males!!).

The advice from 99 per cent of you is to move on - even if it was otherwise I would have no plans to bring him into my little family!

I appreciate everyone's opinions and will continue to prioritise my son as I have done for 10 years and that means not allowing anyone (not just my ex) into his life who wouldn't adore and care for him.

[Mince314]

I get that he meant a lot to you and that he feels like the big relationship. But he is missing a chip as they say, to admit that he would prefer you had missed out on motherhood, cos that'd be less weird for him. Wow. Immature!

I went on one date with a man a while ago, like me, his 'big' or main relationship had broken down. He had no kids but he knew I had and he thought I was lucky. He mightn't have been putting himself forward for step father, lol, on a first date! but he acknowledged that children added more to a life than 'dating'

[TempusEedjit]

I kind of get the feeling that you might have romanticised the fact he hasn't been married/had children because he's been pining after you as opposed to the fact that he was (is?) a deceitful coke using twat who prioritised his drug habit and his friends over his fiancée and subsequent girlfriends. You didn't "throw it all away all those years ago" because you weren't in a loving supportive relationship to throw away were you?

Even if you were to persuade your ex to accept your son (and why would you contemplate gambling with your child's happiness like that?) I would bet that he would neglect to prioritise you again, but instead of cocaine he'd busy running his business or similar - actually he's already knocked you back for a couple of dates hasn't he? He's a commitment-phobe at best but I'd be very surprised if he didn't have some serious issues when it come to relationships. Steer well clear if not for your sake but for your son's.

[Zucker]

You have to admit it's not sounding good already is it? Strops over facebook, storming off and that's even before the resenting your child bit!

No child should be exposed to someone that resents them being alive.

[ArcheryAnnie]

...he's annoyed that you have a child?

Run. Run away fast. Run away far.

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

I can't believe that you need to ask.

[wannaBe]

See here's the thing. It's perfectly OK to not want to enter into a relationship with someone who has children. And it's far preferable that someone make that clear at the beginning of dating so as to avoid confusion/thoughts of rejection etc further down the line.

But this man has stated that not only has he never been with someone who has children (fair enough), but that he is annoyed that you have a child after dumping him for being a Coke head and a waste of space.

I think actually that he hasn't done anything wrong per se, he's laid his cards fairly on the table and been honest about how he feels (or not, as appears to be the case.). It's actually you who is coming across as desperate and wanting to convince him that you should be together even though he's been pretty honest about his lack of intention towards you.

Whether he has changed is irrelevant. He's not the same person as he was before, and neither are you. Clearly you have nothing in common, and he doesn't want to be a step parent. There's actually nothing wrong with that. There is however everything wrong with your desire to keep chasing the dream which actually never was. Remember in your op you don't actually mention anything positive about this relationship previously. So what is it you're actually chasing?

[Isetan]

Ahh, this is one of those 'if it wasn't for x, and z' we would have had the perfect relationship and now that you think 'x,y and z' are no longer an issue, the obstacles to your happy ever after are gone. Wrong, now there's another of his obstacles to get past.

He's re-written your breakup and cast himself as the innocent. The lying and drug taking that forced you to end a relationship that would have messed with your mental health, is now superceded by his broken heart and the hurt induced by the recent revelation that you didn't remain celibate after your split. If you did get back together, the history rewrite would no doubt be used to his advantage, just look how quickly you're rationalising his bullshit.

Has it ever occurred to you that his drug taking was the perfect cover for his self-centredness and him (supposedly) being clean, hasn't changed 'him' at all. You've already been there and he chose his 'lifestyle' over a healthy respectful relationship with you, don't get sucked back into a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to understand that it's not all about *him". This is especially dangerous because now that you are a parent, your child will be a constant challenge to his place in your hierarchy.

Don't let your obvious feelings for him get in the way of common sense.

[scribblegirl]

The majority of the advice above is spot on.

Just to add, OP, that bearing in mind you are 41, if you'd held out for him and not had children with anyone else, you might never have become a mother full stop. Essentially, as well as resenting your son, he's critical of a defining part of your personality.

[Joysmum]

Has it ever occurred to you that his drug taking was the perfect cover for his self-centredness and him (supposedly) being clean, hasn't changed 'him' at all

That's the observation of the week for me. Very insightful

[Gazelda]

If he were stranger you were meeting for a first date, would you tolerate his behaviour? Would you have reacted to him saying he had plans for later in the same way?

Don't romanticise the situation because of the memories of love you once felt.

[Duckdeamon]

So you left because he was using cocaine and years later he STILL blames you and won't forgive you for "breaking his heart", or meeting someone else (when you were single) and having a baby during his supposed heartbroken period: were you supposed to hang out in a nunnery for 5 years or something?!

What a tosser.

[Duckdeamon]

And that's just that little bit of him: not even his views on your DC!

This is not "the one who got away": this is one to get away from!

[tuilamum]

I haven't read everything but I was a child with a stepdad who resented me. It made my life miserable and has ruined my relationship with my mum. Please don't do that to your son.

[Aspergallus]

His comment about your child is so manipulative.

A decent man who wanted to be with you would be saying how excited he was to be getting the chance to get to know your child. The most negative he'd be would be perhaps admitting some nervousness...

This guy is trying to put you on the back foot, making you know that he's annoyed and having trouble accepting your child. Making you feel like you have to apologise, explain and persuade him. He's setting up a situation where his engagement with your child will be on his terms when really he's the least important person here (your child being the most).

I would never apologise for my children's existence and would run a mile from someone who made me feel like I should. I think I'd have walked out at the point that he used "annoyed" in relation to my child existing.