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Original poster

I had an affair...

108 replies

Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 14:31

My head is a mess.
I have a boyfriend and he has a gf and a young 8 moth old child.
Both in our 30s.
We used to date when we were kids but for that reason it never progressed into anything.
We've always been friends but there was a attraction between us.
Over the two year we started texting each other a lot and you could say we began a emotional affair but both wanted more.
He has fallen out of love with gf.
I don't know details and I never asked.
We cut off contact because we both knew we were getting in to deep.
That lasted two months then he text me and we started talking again.
We kept telling ourselves it's only friendship we are doing nothing wrong.

I think this was because I thought if I tell myself we are only friends I won't be the shitty person I am being.
We slept together and pretty much told each other the score.
I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend and he can't face not living with his child.
He went on to say that it's all just so complicated and can't stand this guilt he feels and neither can I.

I understand and wouldn't expect Him too ever walk out on his child.
His child comes before anything I do know this.
I am in love with him and I know it's no excuse for what I've done.
I never started this on the hope to steal Him away from them.

He isn't a dick.He isn't a cheat.
I don't even know how we got to that point.
Anyway we have cut all contact because it couldn't continue like that.
His family are innocent and didn't deserve that.
I know I have no right to feel hurt but I am.
I do love Him but I won't ever contact him again now.
He lives 5 mins away from me and we have been friends for so many years it hurts like hell.

I'm so angry that we threw away a friendship.
I wish I never acted on how I feel.

I genuinely believe his feelings for me were real.
I feel sick at what I've done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:37

The reason I posted was we still have communication back and forth.
He isn't happy with her but doesn't want to not live with his child.
And no that isn't some line he is spilling this is true.
I'm not happy with bf but he has been good to me and I don't want to hurt him.
What are you meant to do.

OP posts:
Runner05 · 19/12/2015 16:38

You and he cheated. This is a fact. If you have sex outside of your relationship you are a cheat and in most people's book that makes you a git.

You need to get on with your life. If you don't love your boyfriend who you seem not to have considered at all in this when he should be your primary concern, then leave him and let him find someone who deserves him.
What goes on in the relationship of the man you cheated with is none of your business. He's already told you he won't leave his girlfriend. That should tell you everything you need to know. Let it go and leave him to fuck up his own life without your help as there are very few people in this world who won't think you're the worse kind of common trailer trash for cheating or knowingly being with a cheat.

You need RL counselling and you need face the fact that this was cheating, both you and he cheated and that was a shitty thing to do.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:38

Supermanspants
Stop commenting then.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2015 16:39

Indeed, OP, you are a perpetual victim of circumstance. Nothing that has happened has been of your making and there is nothing you can do to improve your life or move the fuck on after your single sweaty night 900 years ago with an unavailable man. You are Cathy to his Heathcliff, a tragic romantic heroine whose blighted tale star crossed loving far exceeds any of our pedestrian experiences. We cannot possibly understand you or the heights of your grand passion against our lowly, mundane lives. We are in awe.

Now will you bugger off?

Supermanspants · 19/12/2015 16:39

They haven't been deleted? 1 got deleted because of the sheer abuse which was received and the other is still active under a different user name as I knew the same people would be lurking around waiting to pounce

Grin Christmas comedy gold You assume people on here are idiots OP.
AuntieStella · 19/12/2015 16:41

"What are you meant to do."

You do nothing

His problems are nothing to do with you.

Or actually, you could do something. Get help in RL to identify and move past whatever it is that is keeping you in this disastrous rut.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:42

No I won't "bugger off"
Why don't you save your patronising comments for someone else.

OP posts:
JE1234 · 19/12/2015 16:43

If he didn't want to be with his girlfriend he wouldn't be, he had chosen her over you. Rightly so IMO given that they have a baby together and the early months are far from easy, certainly not a fine to be making life changing decisions. He is still in contact because you are behaving like a mug, he can string you along, emotionally manipulate you and eventually have his way again. All the while getting you to keep quiet because he is oh so conflicted and really just a 'good guy', I'll give you a heads up, he's not a good guy. If you are unfulfilled in your own relationship get out of it, you don't need someone waiting in the wings. This has all been said before though by many people. You are being delusional about this all and ignoring all the evidence contrary to your dream that he will one day see the light and choose you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2015 16:44

No I won't "bugger off"

Well, obviously we all know that, but it was worth a shot.

Must be cold outside that window.

rockabillyruby82 · 19/12/2015 16:46

outofmydepth15 I'm going to put aside my judgement and give you advice if that's what you want.
Neither of your relationships sound healthy, you need to leave them both.
You need to be honest with your bf, tell him you're not happy and let him go and find someone else.
The second man (if the thread posted on here is yours) sounds awful! If he did treat you the way you described in that thread than he abused/raped you and is likely still manipulating you. He's got into your head, cut him off.
After you've done these two things I urge you to stay single for a while, reflect on what has happened and hopefully one day you'll find a happy, healthy, trusting relationship.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:46

We have been in contact yes.
Nothing sexual has happened since.
He never has the balls to dump her.
Before the baby when he ended it he hid in his mums house and got her to tell the gf he didn't want to speak.
This is what he is like he never has the bottle to do anything.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 19/12/2015 16:47

This is what he is like he never has the bottle to do anything.

I'm starting to see why you two would be so well matched.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:51

I feel sorry for him.
If he was happy he would never do what he has lately.

OP posts:
JE1234 · 19/12/2015 16:51

This is not about lacking bottle. He's an adult! He is staying in that relationship because he wants to. It's a ridiculous assertion that he has some noble ambition to stay with her for the baby whilst being madly in love with you. He's not in love with you, he used you for sex and he thinks he can do so again.

PastaLaFeasta · 19/12/2015 16:52

You will get over it, you must keep away and you will get angry and see him for the cheating pig who has led you on - I've been in a similar situation and it was a load of lies.

JE1234 · 19/12/2015 16:53

If you really believe all of this then tell his girlfriend what happened. Force the fucker to be honest and face up to his decisions. Why does he get all the choices? She deserves to know the truth.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:54

I'm not claiming he is madly in love with me.
I can't get inside his head.
All I know is he has told his mother and sister that he doesn't love her and it's the baby keeping Him there.
That's a fact.
He has his own bedroom where he sits and drinks.
He only moved in with her the day after the baby came.
Doesn't sound happy to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:55

All I can say is everything he has told me.

OP posts:
rockabillyruby82 · 19/12/2015 16:55

It's true, he wouldn't have slept with you if he were happy. But there are other ways to deal with that unhappiness.

JE1234 · 19/12/2015 16:55

And you know this because.... He told you. You don't know what goes on in their flat. You know his version and you know the version he fed to his family to defend his actions with you.

Original poster
Outofmydepth15 · 19/12/2015 16:56

I think the reason I get stuck is I get his mother ringing me saying how unhappy he is etc
I can't escape it.

OP posts:
TangledUpInGin · 19/12/2015 16:57

You sound like a match made in heaven....tell your partner and the mother of his child and make a go of it. I wish you both everything you deserve.

FancyPuffin · 19/12/2015 16:57

You are the new boxroom troll

He does not want to be with you. You had sex with him once. You have described rapist and alcoholic behaviors from him. You are not star crossed lovers. He is a fucking twat. You are unhealthily obsessed with him. Dump your boyfriend. Stay away from twat. He does not want to be with you.

BolshierAryaStark · 19/12/2015 16:57

How can he not be a cheat? He's been balls deep in you behind his poor GF back, wtf would you call him exactly? Xmas Hmm Oh & for the record yes he is a shit as well, decent men don't do this.
He isn't staying for the child nor is he unhappy with his GF, he was happy to go ahead with a pregnancy with her not that long ago-the DC is only 8 months after all.
If he wanted to be with you he would... He isn't.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 19/12/2015 16:59

Do you have a spare room for him to get pissed in all by himself?

If not then my guess is he'll stay put quite frankly

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