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Original poster

New partners living arrangements with ex

89 replies

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 14:31

Will keep it breif and simple as I don't want to out anyone.

I have started seeing this man ( all very new ), he gives be butterflies and when I am with him I can't stop smiling, everything feels right apart from one thing, he is still living with his ex wife. They have been separated for over a year and he has been sleeping on the sofa, he pays all the bills, apparently she doesn't work and is very lazy, he wants to find his own place but worries that his ex won't be able to financially support his 2 children and he can not afford to pay for 2 places. I am 99% sure what he tells me is true, he has told his ex about me and he stays at my house a few nights a week. At the moment i feel slightly awkward about him sleeping in the same house as his ex but really it's early days and maybe I shouldn't get too involved. I think if he had his way he would move in to my house but I don't really want that ( he has dropped hints ) as I don't want to be forced into rushing things just because of his living arrangements.

So am I being unreasonable to feel a bit weird about this?

I don't feel we have been together long enough for me to have a serious talk to him about it, I think he knows that I am not too happy about the situation.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2015 14:37

You should feel a LOT weird.
He's already hinting at moving in with you.
He's not even moved out after a year of being separated.
I would seriously.....
RUN FOR THE HILLS, THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 14:39

How long have you been seeing this individual?.

I do not believe that he is sleeping on the sofa at all; you are really the other woman in this particular scenario. There's one person who is going to get hurt here by all this and that is you.

End this with him before you either get even more emotionally overinvested. Why haven't either of them seemingly started divorce proceedings?.

Fourormore · 15/12/2015 14:40

Wow, so many warning signs in that post. Honestly, I'd be ending it and telling him we could try again when (if) he actually leaves his wife (he won't).

Jw35 · 15/12/2015 14:40

I wouldn't get involved. He definitely shouldn't move in with you! He needs to sort his life out before starting a new relationship, this will all end in tears.

StoptheRavelry · 15/12/2015 14:40

Like she said...run for the effing hills. This is a script we have seen many times and it NEVER ends well.

Plus of course he isn't telling the truth. Sad

Sorry mate
ditch him

Jw35 · 15/12/2015 14:42

I agree with Four he won't leave his wife. He's just got you for sex but his wife and kids are his life. I'm sorry I've seen this before

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 14:48

He's hinting about living with you? You don't even know him! Who the hell does that? He sounds like the Cocklodger Incarnate.

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 14:54

He is only sleeping there a couple days a week. The rest of the time he works away. This week he is only spending one night there. They were meant to discus him moving out last weekend after he told her about me but it seems nothing has changed.

As I said 'it's a very new relationship' we are talking weeks, so it's hard for me to question him too much, also Christmas is coming up and I know he will want to spend Christmas with his 2 kids so won't want to be upsetting them by moving out over Christmas. I am tempted to back right off until after Christmas and then tell him to sort it out or get lost.

He seems very genuine ( I know it's hard to tell so early on ), everything seems to add up, when he is here with me his phone never goes off ( no calls from his wife asking where he is, not texts etc... ). He messages me all the time, never disappears for any length of time. He told me last week that he had told his ex that he had met someone, to begin with she wasn't very happy but then seemed to be ok about it. We have talked about me meeting his children in the future and he asked if he could bring them to my house.

I see my ex a lot, he sleeps on my sofa very occasionally and comes here for dinner so he can spend time with his dc's, I probably see him more than this man sees his ex but it doesn't mean I am sleeping with him or in a relationship with him, we have been separated for almost a year and have not started devorce.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 15:00

You've met his wife then? And his parents and friends? No? Of course they know nothing about you. When he's staying at yours he's telling her he's working away.

Stop pretending to be so bloody naive. You are the OW and you know it.

Whenischristmas · 15/12/2015 15:09

He may well be separated and living with his ex for financial reasons and convenience.

If I were you I would be more worried about his hints about moving in and bringing his children to your place.

Post-divorce I have met many men who are looking to move straight in with a new woman and set up a new life almost straight away. It's ridiculous. Tell him to slow down.

sofiahelin · 15/12/2015 15:20

I lived with my ex for a year after separating, it's not that easy to just up sticks especially with children and if you have no family around you can stay with. It's not unusual.
Perhaps though they have got into this habit now which is easy for him & moving out would be a pita for him. As its early days I would just keep things light. If he mentions any future plans again like moving in/meeting the kids I would just try & convey, rather firmly, that you don't want things to move on until he has moved out & is set up independently from his ex wife. Otherwise you may find as pp have said that he's just looking to hop from one comfortable place to another! Go slow & enjoy the bit where you're getting butterflies jealos, wish that'd happen for me!

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 15:45

Just hope they don't share a bottle of wine at the weekend and end up DTD, it happens all the time!

He sounds a bit flaky, still living with his ex but pursuing other women - grow up and sort your life out, this would seriously piss me off, in fact if I knew that from the onset I'd not entertain him.

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 15:46

Thank you for all of your opinions, of course I must be slightly worried or I wouldn't be posting but I am pretty sure he is not sleeping with her. When he is working away he shows me photos of the hotel he is staying in (pictures with him in it ), I have seen his friend, he doesn't have much family (not near by) and I haven't had time to meet them (as I said it's only been weeks and I am in no rush to meet his family or for him to meet mine).

He said if he stops paying the rent on the house his ex will move away with the kids (closer to her family, in a rough area ) and he obviously doesn't want his kids taken further away. He can't afford to move out and pay 2 lots of rent which is understandable ,when my dh moved out and had to find the money for one lot of rent it was almost impossible.

I don't know why people automatic ly assume that he is lying? I see many posts on here about couples that have split but are living in the same house (because of the kids or because they can't afford it ).

Anyway, it's obvious that I am being causious. I am not that happy about the situation because it just feels odd. I am taking things really slowly and trying not to jump in.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/12/2015 15:51

He's full of excuses, if he wanted to he would be living separately by now, there's ways and means, renting a room in a flat for instance doesn't cost that much, he can't expect you to be A Ok with him living with his previous lover, simple as that, what's he going to do about it, that's what I'd be wanting to know.

Yeah you might see posts about couples who have split but remain in the same household, do you really think that's healthy and normal, I don't.

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 15:52

If he left she'd be entitled to single parent benefits including housing.

TempusEedjit · 15/12/2015 15:54

So according to him his ex wife is "very lazy" despite the fact he expects her to parent their 2 DC by herself most of the time because he works away more often than not? Yeah right.

What reason does he give for their separation?

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 15:57

I don't think it's normal Sad, I am just saying that it doesn't mean they sleep together. He said he will try and sort something out.

She would be entitled to some benifit but she would also have to work, her kids are school age so she would have to claim JSA. I do think he should just leave but I also understand that he is worried about his kids being made to move house as she wouldn't be able to afford to stay there. I know I need to talk to him about it at some point but I am worried that he will think I am being a bit full on. I will wait until after Christmas as it's a bit tricky for him to do anything over christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:00

The reason for the separation? He says that since their youngest was born they have not been the same, he said they tried councilling which didn't work so they decided to separate. I don't know anymore details as I am not nosey.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:01

Look he will either have to accept that if he wants a relationship then he needs to sort out his living accommodation, staying with the ex is just not on, you'd be mad to accept that, fair enough for now but he needs to show you that he's responsible and grown up.

You seem in denial that he can't go, of course he can, or else he stays with the ex forever more checking that she is looking after the kids properly, do you fancy being in that film, nah, didn't think so.

She will be entitled to JSA, child benefit and housing benefit and council tax benefit at least...........what's stopping him - sorry but I'd rather be with a man who was actually able to offer me a decent relationship.

By all means give it to the NY, if he's still stuck in limbo with her, I'd move on if I was you.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 16:05

The only thing I absolutely believe in everything he's said, is that he works away a lot. It's the perfect cover. He just works away far less than his wife believes he does.

As for her being lazy, well, that's rich coming from him... given he only spends one or two nights a week with her at home he's not exactly the lynchpin of their family life, is he? Who does he think does everything while he's off staying in hotels or getting his end away?

If you're determined to believe the split is above board, but it all still feels odd to you - which it damn well should - then my advice is to say to him "it's been great to meet you, I like you, I think we have potential but something about the current set up feels off to me. Get in touch once you've sorted out living arrangements and no longer live with your wife, but until then, goodbye".

Whenischristmas · 15/12/2015 16:09

He can't move out because she's lazy and would move away with his children? So why is he hinting at moving in with you?

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:09

I know he has no real excuse not to move out. I just don't know how to approach the subject with him so early on and when do I say 'move out or its over'? Do I wait until after Christmas and then say something or do I say something now but say 'I know it's hard to sort it over christmas but....'.

I am now quite upset about it Sad so chances are he will know somethings wrong when I see him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:11

I don't know why he is hinting at living with me, maybe he thinks he can live here for nothing and still continue paying for his ex to sit on her ass all day?? I really don't know but there's no way he will be moving in Smile

OP posts:
MojitoMollie · 15/12/2015 16:13

you could go with

lets cool things off until you have moved out?

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:17

Just be straight with him OP, no woman with any self respect would be happy about this arrangement so he surely will get it and be doing something about it.

If he doesn't it's because he likes things the way they are and you are just meant to slot in to his unusual lifestyle - it's early days, he had the nerve to explain his living situation to you so why do you feel you can't express your distain, nobody would be happy with this!

As for the living with you........another red flag.