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Original poster

New partners living arrangements with ex

89 replies

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 14:31

Will keep it breif and simple as I don't want to out anyone.

I have started seeing this man ( all very new ), he gives be butterflies and when I am with him I can't stop smiling, everything feels right apart from one thing, he is still living with his ex wife. They have been separated for over a year and he has been sleeping on the sofa, he pays all the bills, apparently she doesn't work and is very lazy, he wants to find his own place but worries that his ex won't be able to financially support his 2 children and he can not afford to pay for 2 places. I am 99% sure what he tells me is true, he has told his ex about me and he stays at my house a few nights a week. At the moment i feel slightly awkward about him sleeping in the same house as his ex but really it's early days and maybe I shouldn't get too involved. I think if he had his way he would move in to my house but I don't really want that ( he has dropped hints ) as I don't want to be forced into rushing things just because of his living arrangements.

So am I being unreasonable to feel a bit weird about this?

I don't feel we have been together long enough for me to have a serious talk to him about it, I think he knows that I am not too happy about the situation.

OP posts:
WickedWax · 15/12/2015 17:38

Your self esteem must be non existent if you consider this guy a catch.

I don't think any of my single friends would have entertained him beyond "I still live with my wife".

Throw this one back in the pool and raise your standards. A lot.

TPel · 15/12/2015 17:40

I would tell he to call me when he had moved out and things were sorted with his ex.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/12/2015 17:48

Id tell Him that I was falling for him, and as such the current arrangements no longer worked for, bout you hope he'll stay in touch and want to date you again when he's in a better place to do so.

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 18:00

Chilly, it does seem to be a awkward situation, but it feeling like I either have to have him living here a couple days a week or I have to accept that he is sleeping in a house with his ex. Both are awkward due to not knowing him very long, it's too soon for him to stay here and it's too soon for me to trust him 100% living with his ex wife.

Anyway, I am going to plod along ( very slowly ) through the next couple weeks, get Christmas and the new year out of the way and hope he finds a flat or a room somewhere.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 15/12/2015 18:09

The biggest red flags are that he wants to move in with you after a few weeks and that he speaks of his XW so disparagingly but does fuck all to improve things for the children.
Not being able to move after a separation is not that unusual these days. (People who have a secure home ie have not had to move house for several years do not get how much harder it is to find somewhere to affordable to live). But the general impression you are giving of him is a man who puts his own needs first and expects women to make his life pleasant and comfortable for the sheer pleasure of regular shagging.

PrimeDirective · 15/12/2015 18:15

So his wife is so lazy that she can't be bothered to take them to school sometimes and she just sits and watches TV all day.
I wonder how he knows this considering how much time he works away.
And what exactly is he doing to deal with this very troubling behaviour? Absolutely nothing, he's leaving her to it and looking to move in with you.

He sounds delightful!

ElllieB1 · 15/12/2015 18:22

I lived with my ex after we separated, it happens, however he doesn't seem to have made any plans to change his situation and hinting to move in with you so early on is dodgy. I'd take a step back until he knows what he's doing long term.

bumblejee · 15/12/2015 18:46

I lived with my ex-husband for well over a year after we first separated & it was definitely separate sleeping arrangements, no hopping into bed & yet so many posters are sure he must be lying!

HandyWiseWoman · 15/12/2015 18:50

Doughnuts going on the basis of the dating thread (correct me if I'm wrong) this relationship is like one week old, am I right?

And by way of reassurance re the ex he's asking to move to an arrangement where he lives with you 2 days a week? Which presumably if he works away the rest of the time he will either a) bring his kids round to yours for contact or b) never see them?

What bonkers fresh hell is this????

WickedWax · 15/12/2015 18:59

A week? Wtf? Shock

Bin him of ffs.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2015 19:23

You certainly have been very quick to take against the XW who - on the face of it - has been perfectly accepting of you.

You might say oh I know I only have his side... but you're very quick in posts to describe her as sitting around on her arse.

I shared a house with my XH for 4 months and dated someone in that time. Difference is, it was temporary and I already had an offer accepted on a house, waiting for completion. I wouldn't walk away purely for house sharing. But I would for (a) having no plan to stop and (b) seeing my place as a possibility after a matter of weeks!

StoptheRavelry · 15/12/2015 19:27

One week? ONE WEEK??

FFS!

Whenischristmas · 15/12/2015 19:40

It's five days isn't it op?

PolkaDotMouse · 15/12/2015 20:09

Is he as separated as he claimsConfused How long have you known him?

So far you've already bought his ex is lazy, that he's told her he's met someone and she's fine with it, that the only solution to him not sharing the family home is him staying 2 days at yours...

Could be ... All so smooth and convenient though. Personally I'd worry about being an ow actually.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2015 20:11

Ah, given how new this is - tbf you did say very new, but less than a week puts a new spin on it! - I would say something else.

Just something that doesn't ring true. Why would he have told his XW already that he's seeing you? This soon? That feels to me like a "you can trust me cos I've even told her about you" lie, tbh.

The other thing that makes me Hmm is that he works away and then stays at yours a couple of nights a week. When is he seeing his kids?

PolkaDotMouse · 15/12/2015 20:17

Yep that's exactly what I'm thinking Cabrinha no one in their right mind would tell the 'ex' about a new girlfriend so soon. My hunch is he said nothing to the ex because she's not an ex so easier to gloss over it with OP and say she was fine with it.
Him working away is perfect set up for cheating too (been there with my ex so maybe biased)

Allalonenow · 15/12/2015 20:22

Stop thinking of him as your "Partner" and start thinking of him as your probable cocklodger.

But better still.... Run... Run for the huills!

Cabrinha · 15/12/2015 20:24

Don't read anything into his phone not going off when he's with you.

I worked away during my marriage. My XH and I never called in the evening. Because we had a shit marriage because he was cheating on me Hmm

Him getting no calls means nothing at all.

Hissy · 15/12/2015 20:33

I don't know why he is hinting at living with me, maybe he thinks he can live here for nothing and still continue paying for his ex to sit on her ass all day

How dare you! You know sweet FA about this woman aside from what some bloke you met a week ago has told you to get into your knickers.

He's asking to move into yours because she has seen him for what he is which is a fucking useless cock lodger and slinging him out.

She is probably staying in bedroom whenever he is there because she doesn't want to see him. She prolly ably expects him to do the odd school run because, like, they are his kids too and he needs to pull his weight after spending most of the week either in expenses or balls deep is some gullible fool.

He needs to put his money where his mouth is and step up and sort his life out.

Remember this: when he finishes bleeding YOU dry, he'll be bitching about you to the next fool to take him on.

Dump him, let him grow up and prove himself.

Set your limits a little higher than skirting board level.

magoria · 15/12/2015 20:57

I would be concerned he cannot afford to live alone but wants to move in with you.

Does that mean he expects you to pay all his expenses/bills etc?

magoria · 15/12/2015 21:12

Crap I missed page 2.

Ignore me with the updates!

Original poster
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 21:32

I said it has been weeks ( not one week ), not sure where one week came from? Hmm

OP posts:
Whenischristmas · 15/12/2015 22:02

Going by what you said on the dating thread.

PrimeDirective · 15/12/2015 22:19

3 weeks is not long enough to have any idea what is really going on in his life.

Baconyum · 15/12/2015 22:39

1 you barely know him you CERTAINLY don't know him well enough to believe a word he says!

2 at this point I hope he's not staying over with dc of yours present?

3 at the VERY LEAST he's in the complicated phase of ending his last relationship, can't possibly know what he wants yet or how things are going to work with contact etc and that's IF he's a good guy

But from what you've posted he sounds like a cheating cocklodging knob!

You can check the cheating - ask to speak to 'ex' wife,if she knows about you that absolutely should not be a problem, I'm talking a brief 5 min chat to verify they're not in a relationship any more. His reaction to this suggestion will tell you all you need to know.

I wouldn't touch this guy with a barge pole!

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