New partners living arrangements with ex

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

Will keep it breif and simple as I don't want to out anyone.

I have started seeing this man ( all very new ), he gives be butterflies and when I am with him I can't stop smiling, everything feels right apart from one thing, he is still living with his ex wife. They have been separated for over a year and he has been sleeping on the sofa, he pays all the bills, apparently she doesn't work and is very lazy, he wants to find his own place but worries that his ex won't be able to financially support his 2 children and he can not afford to pay for 2 places. I am 99% sure what he tells me is true, he has told his ex about me and he stays at my house a few nights a week. At the moment i feel slightly awkward about him sleeping in the same house as his ex but really it's early days and maybe I shouldn't get too involved. I think if he had his way he would move in to my house but I don't really want that ( he has dropped hints ) as I don't want to be forced into rushing things just because of his living arrangements.

So am I being unreasonable to feel a bit weird about this?

I don't feel we have been together long enough for me to have a serious talk to him about it, I think he knows that I am not too happy about the situation.

Ok.

She is a lazy woman who spends her days in bed and often can't be bothered to take her children to school. He is concerned enough about this to not want to move out, but not so concerned he doesn't spend 5-7 nights away from home anyway? Doesn't add up. That's because it's all bollocks

Neither his ex, he, nor you regard the fact that she doesn't take the children to school because she can't be bothered to be 'neglect' (that bit says a lot about you, tbh). It is. And either the school will be on the case, or he is lying to you to justify still living there.

In his head, he sees moving in with you as his solution; the answer to all his problems. You can't be sure his feelings are genuine because of this. He will be planning on living with you rent free because the only reason he is claiming to still be there is that he can't afford to move out.

Oh, that and the fear his ex will move away with the children. So she will only do that if he moves out to a flat, but not if he moves in with you?

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole either.

It's not the simple fact of he's living in the same house as his ex that's the issue. It's all the smoke and mirrors crap he's using to justify it.

And yes, she will think he's working away when he's with you. So far you only have his word for any of it.

And as for her being too lazy to walk into town to sign on. I've never heard anything like it. That's absolute nonsense. You are being very gullible.

Even if everything he says is true, is that really a situation you want to get into?

Your self esteem must be non existent if you consider this guy a catch.

When I met DH my self esteem was in the gutter, multiple reasons, and he was still living with his XW. Their marriage had been over for years but with hindsight they were keeping up some farcical front in front of their adult kids, 2 of whom hate me so much they will not meet me, still, 4 years later. His XW and I finally get on ok. He has treated us both pretty shoddily.

I have had a good chunk of therapy and am a different person to then. I am still with my DH - I am lucky that he was just a bit of a lazy eternal optimist - because if he had been an abusive user I walked straight into it.

I know what it's like to feel lonely, embarrassed and worthless. But please believe you are worth so much more and your little family of you and your DC is complete just the way it is.

There are so many lazy ex wives on MN! How long till you will be another lazy ex sitting on her arse all day?

Her not getting JSA could be very telling...

I'm not an expert, but I think Contributions based JSA either lasts for 6 months only, or you don't get it if you haven't paid enough NI - which is possible.

Income based JSA - she won't get it if her husband earns too much.

So which do you think is more likely?

• She is too lazy to claim JSA.
• As a family they are not entitled to it because THEY ARE A COUPLE?

Massive red flag.

It is possible to live together and convince the benefits agency that you're separated and claim separately. They haven't.

At the very very least, they've decided that it's not worth the hassle of that if they have enough money anyway (and how likely is that?) and he's lying about that to just call her lazy to you. Nice.

If he was serious about ever moving out, they'd have sorted out the separate claims, ready for that.

There is a possibility they have split up. They may even not be sleeping together. He may even have told her about you after your FIRST DATE (and frankly I'm rubbing my chin and shouting chinny like a 10yo here). But even if all that is true, you've snared a man who has decided to live with his ex until he can move in with another woman.

Attractive, much?

Seriously - I would put money on her not getting JSA because the benefits people believe what you don't - that they are a COUPLE.

Oh and in your OP you called her his "ex wife". We're all wrong if she is.
But she isn't, is she?
How's the divorce going?
Because he'd have started that I'm sure, if he wanted her to be entitled to JSA.

One last thing... you say you haven't been with him long enough to have a serious talk.
You absolutely have! When someone lives with their wife (wife, not ex wife) you absolutely can ask them the ins and outs of that, even before a first date!!

I don't usually do this but...

wanted to dump a guy back in November

OP you have Children? Do not move a man in that you have been seeing for such a short time.

So just read the thread that scribbler shared and on 10th November you were stating its too soon to be in a relationship and you need time alone and dumped your current guy...3 weeks later you are with a married man and he is asking to move in with you and you are saying its too soon to tell him that he cant??
WOW mixed message - very very confused op

It doesn't really matter if he really is sleeping on the sofa, it's still weird. I would not want to be with someone who still lived with their ex, even if the relationship was genuinely over.

Well, I lived with my ExH for 6 months after we "separated". It literally took that amount of time to draw up the legal stuff and split assets and for him to raise the money to buy me out of the house - and I couldn't buy a new house until I had that money. I can assure you, that I most definitely was NOT sleeping with him. I was in the spare room. And I did not sit with him in the evenings, I sat in another room in the house. I didn't cook for him either or do any of his washing etc. It takes time to sort everything out.

However, that's not what this guy is doing. I'm not sure how you can move forward, when he is telling you that he can't afford to leave his W?

Have you checked his social media. This might tell you a lot about the real story here

Assuming that this man is telling the truth, on his own words, he is an extremely neglectful father, leaving his children with a person who sounds severely depressed and, rather than attending to this problem which should be his priority, he is happily planning to move in with you.

And even without this baggage, the easiest thing in the world is to move someone into your house, it is getting them out again that is the problem. This is all moving much too fast for a healthy relationship.

Assuming your posts are genuine OP, where do your dc come in your list of priorities among all these fast moving serious quickly new relationships?

OP, I'm a father and absolutely would not allow my children to be treated this way. Either:

a) He's a failure as a human being.
b) He's lying to you and only pretending to be a failure as a human being.

Seriously, what does this guy have going for him?

Oh come on don't be an idiot...

Absolutely what folkgirl and SGB said...

You barely know this guy why are you letting him live with you even part time? Why are you trying to involve yourself in sorting out his woes for him and why the hell are you swallowing all the stupid and nasty crap he tells you about his wife?!

I feel for you! Whether he is truthful or lying, he needs to sort his life out before involving you. Walk away, until all is revolved with his wife...