Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

New partners living arrangements with ex

89 replies

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 14:31

Will keep it breif and simple as I don't want to out anyone.

I have started seeing this man ( all very new ), he gives be butterflies and when I am with him I can't stop smiling, everything feels right apart from one thing, he is still living with his ex wife. They have been separated for over a year and he has been sleeping on the sofa, he pays all the bills, apparently she doesn't work and is very lazy, he wants to find his own place but worries that his ex won't be able to financially support his 2 children and he can not afford to pay for 2 places. I am 99% sure what he tells me is true, he has told his ex about me and he stays at my house a few nights a week. At the moment i feel slightly awkward about him sleeping in the same house as his ex but really it's early days and maybe I shouldn't get too involved. I think if he had his way he would move in to my house but I don't really want that ( he has dropped hints ) as I don't want to be forced into rushing things just because of his living arrangements.

So am I being unreasonable to feel a bit weird about this?

I don't feel we have been together long enough for me to have a serious talk to him about it, I think he knows that I am not too happy about the situation.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:19

Also, he sleeps on the sofa - really?

He'd been sleeping on a settee for over a year, that's preferable to having his own bed?

All odd.

Original poster

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:21

I think that's what I will say Mojito. I said something similar last week when he had told me that he had told his ex that he has a new gf. I told him to go and sort things out and I also asked him how he would feel if I was still shacked up with my ex, he did say he would try and find somewhere to stay, he said he had spoke to his ex and she was fine about everything and that's all he has said, i don't know how long to give him, he seems to think that his ex is fine that he's seeing someone else but he still seems to think it's ok to live there and to be paying the bills.

OP posts:

Nonidentifyingnc · 15/12/2015 16:23

Yes, I think that he definitely sees your home as a comfortable place to move into, which won't cost him any money and where he can bring his kids for access weekends.

You don't want to be his meal ticket or even have the thought as a niggle at the back of your mind that he is with you because it is convenient, rather than true love. The only way to be sure is for him to move into his own place and not depend on your financial support.

My instinct says to look out for your own dc's best financial inrerests and don't expose them to a potential cocklodger.

Original poster

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:23

Jan, he sleeps on the sofa a couple nights a week, he works away the rest of the time so sleeps in hotel beds, he worked away most of the summer so hasn't been sleeping on the sofa for a year. My ex slept on the sofa for 5 years so it is possible

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:26

You can defend all you want OP, from an outsider's viewpoint it's all very odd, whether it's two nights or seven!

Up to you, I think you need to be very careful this guy is not using you.

wannaBe · 15/12/2015 16:26

It does happen, a friend had to live under the same roof as her ex for eighteen months after they split, meanwhile he entered into a new relationship, even took the kids on holiday with her. (The kids knew they weren't together any more obviously). I lived in the same house as my ex for nine months before I moved out. Financially it's not always that straightforward. And doesn't necessarily mean the op is an ow.

However, living under the same roof as the wife and kids still creates. A boundary in your own relationship. Plus if the kids are as yet unaware that their parents have separated there is a lot of adjusting to do on their part.

And even if you are separated, moving out is another step along that road iyswim, me and xh weren't together at all for nine months, separate bedrooms etc, although we were amicable. But the moving out process was incredibly hard for me. separating our lives etc completely, and I wasn't at all prepared for it.

I would be having a conversation along the lines of "I know you're not together in that sense, but similarly you're not making plans to live apart either, and therefore I'm not sure you're prepared for the whole idea of being separated yet, living apart from your children etc. So a new relationship just doesn't seem to quite fit into that for me. I think we should cool it for now, and then see how you feel once you've moved out."

operaha · 15/12/2015 16:27

My partner was still living with his ex when we met. I knew they were definitely over, not a big place, had heard it before.
As things progressed with us (definitely more than weeks) he rented a small property because he was no longer comfortable living with her, but being with me.
His reason for not moving out before that sound similar, she wouldn't cope etc (she didn't/isnt), lazy to the extreme, he had always done everything and paid for it all too.
Csa arrangement to pay for his children, amazing father that gives them so so much, was just convenient to live there at the time. Not so much when you're in a relationship though.
I know this all to be genuine, through meeting his friends/ both families.
Went with my gut the whole time, asked questions if I wasn't sure. You know whether he is genuine or not.

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:27

Not saying it doesn't happen, it's over a year now though, how can you expect a person to be interested in having a relationship with you when you are under the same roof as your ex.

I always say, imagine your daughter telling you this, what would you advise?

Penfold007 · 15/12/2015 16:35

Wonder if his wife knows he's sleeping on the sofa?

SongBird16 · 15/12/2015 16:37

My ex told his ow the same story. It wasn't true. I thought we were happy in love.

Ask to talk to his ex to confirm that they're separated, or tell him you're not interested until he's living independently. His response to both questions will tell you all you need to know.

You won't though. You'll pretend to believe him because it suits you.

Original poster

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:43

Thanks for sharing your story operaha. He is basically saying that she's lazy, spends most of the day in bed and on occasion she can't even be bothered to take the kids to school. He said she won't walk into town to claim JSA and she sits watching tv all day. I am not totally stupid and I know he maybe exaggerating. I have even tried to stick up for her a bit by saying 'bringing up kids is hard work at time....etc...etc..'

When he is there he says he does the school run and then tries to spend the rest of the time out of the house, he saY's he does a lot with the kids as she doesn't do much with them.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 16:48

He's only a part time dad himself!

Maybe the woman is depressed cos she's got her ex on her couch!

It's al her isn't it, he's taking zero responsibility for the situation.

Also, do you really want to get involved with a guy who's in a toxic situation with two kids.......never mind the rest.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 16:53

So she's neglecting their children to the point that on occasion she can't even be bothered to take them to school, and his answer to that is...

he worked away most of the summer
He is only sleeping there a couple days a week
This week he is only spending one night there

Strange really, you'd think he'd want to work away less to ensure that he's around to look after his poor neglected children properly, wouldn't you?

lazymoz · 15/12/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mermaidhair1 · 15/12/2015 16:58

It sounds to me like he wants to move in with you so you can support him.
He will then use his money to support his family.
Cocklodger!

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 15/12/2015 16:58

What DrGoogle said.
He sees no irony in talking about his wife being a lazy, neglectful and disinterested parent - whilst bring a lazy, neglectful, disinterested parent.

You know he's having you on. If what he says is actually true it doesn't shine him in a brilliant light either. So he's either lying, a shitbag or both.

Original poster

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 15/12/2015 16:59

He's not saying she's neglecting the children is not taking them to school a couple times neglect ??

I did wonder about depression and I did mention it to him, I do know that there's 2 sides to a story of course I do but quite often it's the man that's made to look like the bad guy, I am keeping a open mind as I don't know her or her situation.

OP posts:

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 17:01

Yes, not taking your children to school because you "can't be bothered" is neglect .

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 15/12/2015 17:02

Please listen to all the PP.

You're nuts if you don't.

operaha · 15/12/2015 17:04

Well. In my situation, my partner would love to have the kids ft and I expect he will.
No-one here knows any of the people in the situation but just crying child neglect etc, life's not always that simple.
In my situation, she is neglecting the children but thanks to her family, they are ok, they officially live with her but actually spend almost no time with her. Her choice down to her preference for drugs and alcohol. So I totally see how the op feels.
There is no bs in my story, but I knew his ex and knew their situation a long time ago. I definitely wasn't the ow, there were a few oms though.

I'd be asking to speak to the ex, my dps and I were able to talk in the beginning. All for the children's sake.

molyholy · 15/12/2015 17:06

but I am worried that he will think I am being a bit full on.

Why? He has dropped hints to move in with you and you're too worried to bring up his relationship situation in case YOU look full on????

So how do the kids get to school if his wife doesn't take them? Do they miss school on the days she can't be arsed to take them, cos I'm pretty sure there would be some kind of authority involved if this was the case. I'm sorry OP, but I think he is making a fool of you. If he is so concerned about his children, maybe he could get custody and his wife could move out.

chillycurtains · 15/12/2015 17:08

Bottom line, he's in a really awkward situation. He is worried about losing him children through x moving further away and he is worried about paying the rent of two properties if he moves out. Both seem perfectly reasonable worries to me. It's not easy and he doesn't know what to do. I can't see an answer for him or you either without him living with you. But it sounds way too early for that.

What I wouldn't do is throw away a relationship that you are enjoying just because of money/logistics problems. I don't think there is gonna be a quick fix to this one OP. You might need to decide if you are interested in being in it for the long haul.

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 15/12/2015 17:11

I see my ex a lot, he sleeps on my sofa very occasionally and comes here for dinner so he can spend time with his dc's, I probably see him more than this man sees his ex but it doesn't mean I am sleeping with him or in a relationship with him, we have been separated for almost a year and have not started devorce.

How does this differ from what this man does?? Or am I missing something??

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 17:15

You can rent a room in a flat pretty cheaply all inclusive.

The ex would get benefits, probably be better off if he left.

You contacting the Ex for clarification is crazy, who would do that.

He either shows you he is making moves to move on with his life and close the chapter on his last relationship or else you accept the status quo, good luck explaining that to your family and friends, what a cringe.

If he works so much surely he can afford a room.

If he doesn't want to leave due to the ex's so called neglect of the children then he isn't able to conduct a normal relationship with anyone, but as has been said, he's happy to leave them there with her most of the time so that don't add up.

Cabrinha · 15/12/2015 17:32

If he's hinting at moving in with you after mere weeks, he sees "meal ticket" stamped on your forehead.

End of.

Flip

1 2 3 4