Has anyone got time to tell me if my relationship is bad or good?

[littlejackiehorner]

I've only ever had one relationship before this (at least one we lived together and it was really serious) and he was a drunk, cocaine taking guy who was aggressive, very selfish and quite outwardly unpleasant to me at times.

I wanted to know if anyone had time to just read this and let me know what this relationship sounds like. If it's a good and normal one or if it's a bad one. I feel at times like I don't see the wood for the trees.

He was quite infatuated with me very quickly, at the tail end of a marriage where she'd left him and broken his heart. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate nd that what he had with me he never had with her. He could not do enough for me, wanted to talk to me every minute and I've never felt so loved by anyone before.

He's a generally nice sort of guy, easygoing, popular with people, no bad temper, kind to people, responsible and dependable and he pretty much always does what he says he will.

He has a child from previous. Very cute and lovely kid of 5. I have a child from previous. Also a lovely kid, but some SN which makes him challenging at times, he's 8.

He asked me to move in with him after about 6 months dating, so we did and have lived together for 3.5 years now. We live with my kid full time and his every weekend and most holidays. Kids get on great.

Living together meant me moving quite far from home /leaving my job and a lot behind me so that's hard but I always felt like I had found Mr Right and he's made me happy and given me a happy family I always wanted.

On the good side

I feel silly almost even asking about the quality or normalcy of my relationship because BF is so outwardly devoted. He can't do enough for me, would give me his last penny, would drive any distance to save me walking in the cold, would go out at 11pm to Tesco if I fancied some crisps, he cuddles me all the time, very affectionate, always wants to see me and misses me if we're apart. We have a great sex life, he remembers every ocassion and gets me romantic and thoughtful gifts. He listens to me when i want to talk and he tells me everything. We laugh and get on as great friends and enjoy nights on the sofa and trips as a family. He is nice to my friends and family, he is supportive of my ideas and wants to help when I have a problem. He tells me he loves me all the time and does nice things for me that make me feel very loved and appreciated. He isn't an angry person and never says bad things to me or does anything nasty. He is a really good Dad and always does things with the kids and plans things for them. He's the first to get up on the weekends and brings me a cup of tea. He acts proud of me when he introduces me to people and his friends have all told me they've never seen him so happy or in love like it is with me, and that his marriage was nothing like that.

So there's a lot of good things, and day to day, we are just good to each other and in love but a few things are just ongoing battles in my head.

Concerns

I feel guilty even saying this but a few things concern me.

1. He seems to favouritise his kid over mine. I know this is normal to a degree but sometimes it is really obvious. In fairness, he is a good Stepdad and comes to parents evenings and shares responsibilities and is a good ear and role model to my kid BUT the favouritism seems to slip out in subtle ways. Like my kid asks him to play a game and he says hes busy and two minutes later he plays the same game with his own kid and looks annoyed if mine wants to join in with them. This breaks my heart a bit for my kid who has SN and gets rejected by people a lot. I do treat both kids 100% equally and if anything I spoil my Stepson more and I do a lot of things to make sure his kid feels 100% included in our home, but it hurts me to see him do that.

1. He has occassionally been caught lying or doing something "off", which I have swept under the carpet, but which irks at me. For example, I once caught him looking at porn one night when I was really ill and he lied about it. Seems silly, but I really needed comfort that day and he was wanking over porn while I was suferring and needed a cuddle and it annoyed me a lot. I am not sure he is 100% truthful with me over little things like that and feel like he spends a lot of time on porn sites or whatever.

1. When he asked me to move in with him, he said he wanted marriage, more kids and various things but none of it has materialised. He told me a couple of years in that he changed his mind about the baby, which I accepted, but the engagement was also put off by two years and the wedding is set for much later than we agreed. I can't help feeling niggled that our joint plan has been slowly changed to somthing else without my consent. He is always saying he can't wait to marry me and he bought me a beautiful ring but I just feel like he does everything on his timetable.

1. His ex wife seems to still play a role in our lives. For example he allows her to dictate elements of our lives that seem to cross a boundary of what should not be her concern. He seems hell bent in impressing her at times - for example buying expensive gifts for his ex in laws (although the ex wife has now remarried) and it is sometimes a bit concerning that he does no such thing for my parents. Albeit they were married 18 years and he says he feels her family are very important to him and I try and be understanding but he honestly acts like they are his in laws and mine aren't.

1. Although I moved to live with him, he has changed nothing about his life to allow for me being his partner. So for example he still plays in all the same sports teams and hobbies that he did in his marriage and socialises in a way as if he was still her husband, and mixes mainly ith their old joint friends. That makes me feel extremely excluded. In fact, I feel his involvement in activities and social groups that I can't be part of have left me very isolated in my new town and at times I feel more like a mistress than a partner.

1. We never argue. I say that in the sense that I literally mean that in four years he has never once told me anything I did annoyed, upset or aggravated him in any way. He has never been in a bad mood and snapped at me or said something mean or stormed out or slept on the sofa. I mean, literally not one time. And I worry that this can't be realistic. He says I am perfect, but no one is.

1. We have no social life. I mean, we do stuff at the weekends with the kids as a family and he's rarely out with friends without me but we don't know any other couples or families. He knows lots, but because they are friends of the ex wife, he tends to go to their events alone and never invites them to our place. All my friends live far away so the only time we "socialise" is when we have weekend visitors.

1. He remains separate from me financially. I have my accounts and cards and he has his. We both have a Tescos clubcard. We've not "joined" in that sense and while he pretty much is the most generous person you could describe I don't feel like a full couple. He also got a life insurance policy through work and named his kid as he sole beneficiary, and he got a new passport and named his Mum as next of kin. This isn't about the money...it's about me not feeling like a full partner and those things made me feel like less than his partner.

1. We have his kid every weekend and holiday. Now don't get me wrong, I love his kid and love having him around, but when we have him every weekend it means we literally never go out as a couple or have a weekend just the two of us. I don't think we ever do that and I am so bored and isolated that at times I dress up in heels and a little black dress just to have dinner at home.

So that's it. Based on those things..do you think they are things that are worrying?

It has been years now and we have slipped into the permancy of this and I don't feel 100% like I am part of my own family. I feel like he loves me, yes, desires me enormously - maybe to the point he has me on a pedestal, but I feel like he keeps a foot in the door of his previous marriage and I am not fully secure. I also feel like I gave up such a full and colourful life of my own, to become a SAHM, to be there for his child and provide for him the family life he wanted, but often worry that it is at my own expense.

I have tried to talk to him about all the things on the list - some things over and over again -and his response is always the same which is to cry a lot, tell me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and then he just pretty much carries on exactly how things were. I honestly feel like if I left him he would collapse completely because he seems to need me that badly - but then I wonder why he can't see my own need as well as his.

Most of the time I just go along with it, because he showers me in so much love and kindness that I have never had before. Because he is a good Dad and a kind person and because I love him and he doesn't mean to harm but I just want to know what independent observers might thing of our perfect life and home which might not be as perfect as it looks on the surface.

Nothing on this list is ever going to change.

I have had really brilliant advice. Thank you everyone.

I think I am going to follow Emmas Advice. I am going to issue those ultimatums, which I know perfectly well he won't meet. It's made me actually ill and I am a Mum and can't be doing with that.

If he doesn't sort it out without guilt tripping me or getting ill or making me watch him puke and cry until I feel even worse - then I know what I am going to do.

I amgoing home. I am going to take my son, go buy a house on my own, go get my job back (which I can) and my life back and tell him he is welcome to move down to me if he wants to make a life.

3.5 years is enough on his terms. I will be devastated to miss my stepson and I do love BF and will miss him too but I can't live like this anymore.

He can then figure it out with a therapist and who knows in a year or two.

An ultimatum though can only be issued once as further ones lose all their power otherwise. If you issue it, you're going to have to see it fully through. Unless you are fully prepared to do that, do not issue one.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Attila. It's a last piss in the wind. I have been asking for this stuff for 3 years

I think the more you try to work him out, the more confused you'll get.

Re abuser? People pleaser? Still in love with his ex? Etc etc. So many etcs! I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of it tbh. His ex has chosen to lump it all, the incomprehensible mass, under 'unbelievably selfish'. Maybe... Impossible to know for sure one way or the other.

So focus on yourself (and your son of course - even I feel hurt at the story where your son asked bf to do something with him, bf refused, then 5 mins later was doing it with his own son, specifically excluding your son - is your son's adoration for bf bcs your son is continually chasing after approval and recognition from bf that looks like it's there but is, and will always be, tantalisingly out of reach). What do YOU [both re you and your son] want and need? Get single-minded; specifically block out bf's needs/tears/vomiting to save yourself/ves.

Sounds hard but it's actually survival. You are already diminished, sidelined, isolated, compromised financially and in security, home and position. That's enough, regardless of his potential reasons/fucked-upness/abuse. Time to save your life, tunnel vision.

Sounds like a plan, OP. When are you going to talk to him?

making me watch him puke and cry until I feel even worse
How can he MAKE you watch him?
If he starts with all that shite then just walk out the door.
Tell him you won't be manipulated anymore with is puking and crying and walk away.
But it sounds like a plan. Not a good one because I think we all know how it will pan out. So you will just yourself through a whole heap of crap for the same outcome.
Go get your life back FGS. You know you deserve it!

I would love to know the outcome of this littlejackiehorner. You deserve so much better, he sounds like a pathetic man. There are decent men out there, nobody is perfect but there will be someone who is perfect for you and I do not think that man is him. I think if you do end up leaving and getting your old job back you will feel amazing and like a weight has been lifted. Good luck!

Thanks. this isn't going to be quick. I'm thinking summer time, for kids school, but thanks everyone. I do see my life very diferrrently to what I did.

I think I have my own issues. Was reading another thread about some poor lady who's husband stopped loving her when pregnant and someone said "why do you want such a horrible man?" and I do think there's two types of women.

Ones who know what to expect and what they deserve and won't settle for less, and ones who don't really know or feel like they deserve it to be that good and the second type like me can feel very confused because you almost don't notice.

I am going to change though

Interesting what you say about two types of women. While you have a point, I think it's more of a spectrum - on one end of the scale, there are people with healthy self esteem and relationships, and at the other end, people with low self esteem and unhealthy relationships - but there is a LOT in between! Also, you can be confident and then have negative experiences that knock you back. You can also learn from those experiences and work on your self esteem to go more towards the positive end of the spectrum. Does that make sense? I suppose what I'm trying to say is, don't write yourself off! I've actually noticed a big change in your posts since you started this thread and started reflecting on our comments and your situation. At the beginning you sounded very confused and unhappy, and you seemed to struggle to identify and explain what the issues were. Now, you're sounded a lot more clear-headed, you're writing eloquently and sound confident about taking charge of your life. Obviously it will take a while to make tangible changes, but I do think you sound stronger, and I believe you can do it - you can be the confident person you want to be.

How are things Jackie? Any developments? Been thinking of you and wish you well.

I was with a man like this. I now think of him as a wolf in sheep's clothing. Mr Nice, Mr Angel. Everyone thinks he's so lovely and harmless.

Being in a "relationship" which you actually never are leads to so much confusion. Why am I not happy when I am with Mr Lovely?

They go their merry sweet way doing exactly what they want.

Did mine fall apart when I left? Hardly. He was with another within a couple of months. With a woman who actually said to me once that he was an angel. I was replaced just like that.

I have been in abusive relationships too but it was the one with Mr Angel that caused me the most damage!

Thanks everyone.

There's no real updates. I have just been doing a lot of thinking. Removing the goggles from my eyes and thinking about it and about all the things that I think aren't right.

I wanted to ask something, little embarrassed to ask, I almost blocked it out of consciousness but can you tell me about this that happenned a couple of years ago.

I found on the credit card statement that he'd joined a casual sex hookup site to meet other singles for no strings sex. I was away for a few days at the time with my family (we were burveaved) and he'd been messaging me with a lot of support and love and really sympathising with me so finding him on that was a shock.

I have to say, he said it was a mistake from the credit card company but I know he was lying. He paid for a 3 day membership, and I logged onto the site and accessed his file by using he password he uses for everything and it showed his records that he had joined up one night when I was away and then removed the profile 3 hours later. I could not see if he had sent or recieved messages as he had deleted them. So probably he was at least thinking about it and then changed his mind.

I blocked out the reality of this a couple of years ago as I didn't want to face it, but he cheated on his first wife. He said because she didn't like sex and seeing as we have a great and robust sex life I never thought this would be an issue for us.

I'm not talking about porn, I am talking about logging onto a "casual hookup" site and signing up for a trial...then it would have prompted him to "join" if he wanted to exchange messages - so he went to the trouble of filling out his credit card details and paying for a trial membership. So it's not an accidental click or a quick wank when i was away - it's more than that.

And he did it when I was bureaved and crying and sad and away from him.

I completely blocked this out of my mind, just could not cope with it or with the reality of having to move home and leave him and split up the kids so I just blocked it out.

But this is really bad isn't it?

Bloody hell, OP! YES it's bad! This makes his act of adoring partner, and loving husband cruelly dumped by his ex wife, completely hypocritical and pathetic. Just as well I don't know you or him because I'd like to physically hurt him give him a piece of my mind! He is a piece of shit disguised as a "nice guy"!

Also, you said this was a couple of years ago. That was just after you quit your job and moved house to live with him, wasn't it? When he promised you'd get engaged and have a baby? But instead he was signing up to a hook up site.

If I were you, OP, I'd be fucking livid.

Oh dear
Yes it really is bad.

Make your New Year's resolution to treasure yourself and your son. You sound lovely and peace of mind is a worthy and rewarding goal to aim for. Very very best wishes. I can't believe how similar I am to you in having no idea of "normal" boundaries.

I think it would have been 16 months after I moved over. I think i told myself it was irrelevant.

I don't think I have wanted to see this.

That sounds about right.

It sound as though he has done a real number on you convincing you he is selfless, sensitive, etc in the face of evidence to the contrary. As other posters have said look at what he does not what he says. Challenge him without allowing yourself to fall for his manipulation tactics. However I think it highly unlikely he will admit any fault and/or change by the sound or things. You deserve much better.

At least you will have a 'reason' to give people. You suspect he cheated on you and you can't forgive him or trust him again.

The door of your golden cage is open lovely.

All you have to do is hop towards the opening and you can be free.

I often maintain that the golden cage is the worst of (non lethal) abusive relationships, in that they are almost impossible to leave.