Has anyone got time to tell me if my relationship is bad or good?

[littlejackiehorner]

I've only ever had one relationship before this (at least one we lived together and it was really serious) and he was a drunk, cocaine taking guy who was aggressive, very selfish and quite outwardly unpleasant to me at times.

I wanted to know if anyone had time to just read this and let me know what this relationship sounds like. If it's a good and normal one or if it's a bad one. I feel at times like I don't see the wood for the trees.

He was quite infatuated with me very quickly, at the tail end of a marriage where she'd left him and broken his heart. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate nd that what he had with me he never had with her. He could not do enough for me, wanted to talk to me every minute and I've never felt so loved by anyone before.

He's a generally nice sort of guy, easygoing, popular with people, no bad temper, kind to people, responsible and dependable and he pretty much always does what he says he will.

He has a child from previous. Very cute and lovely kid of 5. I have a child from previous. Also a lovely kid, but some SN which makes him challenging at times, he's 8.

He asked me to move in with him after about 6 months dating, so we did and have lived together for 3.5 years now. We live with my kid full time and his every weekend and most holidays. Kids get on great.

Living together meant me moving quite far from home /leaving my job and a lot behind me so that's hard but I always felt like I had found Mr Right and he's made me happy and given me a happy family I always wanted.

On the good side

I feel silly almost even asking about the quality or normalcy of my relationship because BF is so outwardly devoted. He can't do enough for me, would give me his last penny, would drive any distance to save me walking in the cold, would go out at 11pm to Tesco if I fancied some crisps, he cuddles me all the time, very affectionate, always wants to see me and misses me if we're apart. We have a great sex life, he remembers every ocassion and gets me romantic and thoughtful gifts. He listens to me when i want to talk and he tells me everything. We laugh and get on as great friends and enjoy nights on the sofa and trips as a family. He is nice to my friends and family, he is supportive of my ideas and wants to help when I have a problem. He tells me he loves me all the time and does nice things for me that make me feel very loved and appreciated. He isn't an angry person and never says bad things to me or does anything nasty. He is a really good Dad and always does things with the kids and plans things for them. He's the first to get up on the weekends and brings me a cup of tea. He acts proud of me when he introduces me to people and his friends have all told me they've never seen him so happy or in love like it is with me, and that his marriage was nothing like that.

So there's a lot of good things, and day to day, we are just good to each other and in love but a few things are just ongoing battles in my head.

Concerns

I feel guilty even saying this but a few things concern me.

1. He seems to favouritise his kid over mine. I know this is normal to a degree but sometimes it is really obvious. In fairness, he is a good Stepdad and comes to parents evenings and shares responsibilities and is a good ear and role model to my kid BUT the favouritism seems to slip out in subtle ways. Like my kid asks him to play a game and he says hes busy and two minutes later he plays the same game with his own kid and looks annoyed if mine wants to join in with them. This breaks my heart a bit for my kid who has SN and gets rejected by people a lot. I do treat both kids 100% equally and if anything I spoil my Stepson more and I do a lot of things to make sure his kid feels 100% included in our home, but it hurts me to see him do that.

1. He has occassionally been caught lying or doing something "off", which I have swept under the carpet, but which irks at me. For example, I once caught him looking at porn one night when I was really ill and he lied about it. Seems silly, but I really needed comfort that day and he was wanking over porn while I was suferring and needed a cuddle and it annoyed me a lot. I am not sure he is 100% truthful with me over little things like that and feel like he spends a lot of time on porn sites or whatever.

1. When he asked me to move in with him, he said he wanted marriage, more kids and various things but none of it has materialised. He told me a couple of years in that he changed his mind about the baby, which I accepted, but the engagement was also put off by two years and the wedding is set for much later than we agreed. I can't help feeling niggled that our joint plan has been slowly changed to somthing else without my consent. He is always saying he can't wait to marry me and he bought me a beautiful ring but I just feel like he does everything on his timetable.

1. His ex wife seems to still play a role in our lives. For example he allows her to dictate elements of our lives that seem to cross a boundary of what should not be her concern. He seems hell bent in impressing her at times - for example buying expensive gifts for his ex in laws (although the ex wife has now remarried) and it is sometimes a bit concerning that he does no such thing for my parents. Albeit they were married 18 years and he says he feels her family are very important to him and I try and be understanding but he honestly acts like they are his in laws and mine aren't.

1. Although I moved to live with him, he has changed nothing about his life to allow for me being his partner. So for example he still plays in all the same sports teams and hobbies that he did in his marriage and socialises in a way as if he was still her husband, and mixes mainly ith their old joint friends. That makes me feel extremely excluded. In fact, I feel his involvement in activities and social groups that I can't be part of have left me very isolated in my new town and at times I feel more like a mistress than a partner.

1. We never argue. I say that in the sense that I literally mean that in four years he has never once told me anything I did annoyed, upset or aggravated him in any way. He has never been in a bad mood and snapped at me or said something mean or stormed out or slept on the sofa. I mean, literally not one time. And I worry that this can't be realistic. He says I am perfect, but no one is.

1. We have no social life. I mean, we do stuff at the weekends with the kids as a family and he's rarely out with friends without me but we don't know any other couples or families. He knows lots, but because they are friends of the ex wife, he tends to go to their events alone and never invites them to our place. All my friends live far away so the only time we "socialise" is when we have weekend visitors.

1. He remains separate from me financially. I have my accounts and cards and he has his. We both have a Tescos clubcard. We've not "joined" in that sense and while he pretty much is the most generous person you could describe I don't feel like a full couple. He also got a life insurance policy through work and named his kid as he sole beneficiary, and he got a new passport and named his Mum as next of kin. This isn't about the money...it's about me not feeling like a full partner and those things made me feel like less than his partner.

1. We have his kid every weekend and holiday. Now don't get me wrong, I love his kid and love having him around, but when we have him every weekend it means we literally never go out as a couple or have a weekend just the two of us. I don't think we ever do that and I am so bored and isolated that at times I dress up in heels and a little black dress just to have dinner at home.

So that's it. Based on those things..do you think they are things that are worrying?

It has been years now and we have slipped into the permancy of this and I don't feel 100% like I am part of my own family. I feel like he loves me, yes, desires me enormously - maybe to the point he has me on a pedestal, but I feel like he keeps a foot in the door of his previous marriage and I am not fully secure. I also feel like I gave up such a full and colourful life of my own, to become a SAHM, to be there for his child and provide for him the family life he wanted, but often worry that it is at my own expense.

I have tried to talk to him about all the things on the list - some things over and over again -and his response is always the same which is to cry a lot, tell me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and then he just pretty much carries on exactly how things were. I honestly feel like if I left him he would collapse completely because he seems to need me that badly - but then I wonder why he can't see my own need as well as his.

Most of the time I just go along with it, because he showers me in so much love and kindness that I have never had before. Because he is a good Dad and a kind person and because I love him and he doesn't mean to harm but I just want to know what independent observers might thing of our perfect life and home which might not be as perfect as it looks on the surface.

Nothing on this list is ever going to change.

"He isnt abusive or a bad human being but he's very selfish and manipulative and I honestly don't feel like he really wants a proper life with me the way normal people have."

I think that's a perfectly good reason to end the relationship. He doesn't have to be abusive (or at least not in an obvious way) to be the wrong partner for you. He does sound very selfish and manipulative to me. For all his talk about adoring you, he doesn't act like a loving partner.

It's good that you're seeing a counsellor already. You do need to bite the bullet and talk about your relationship. I think that's the cause of your current anxiety and unhappiness, so until you address it, you're not really going to feel better.

"He isnt abusive or a bad human being but he's very selfish and manipulative and I honestly don't feel like he really wants a proper life with me the way normal people have".

Do you see the contradiction above; selfish and manipulative does equal abusive. He has all the power and control here in this relationship and you have no say. You do not owe him a relationship at all and you have every right to feel as you do.

What is your own definition of the word abusive?.

I have not liked the sound of this man from your initial writings of him; my opinion has not altered. He is certainly not my idea of the so called perfect partner.

Am not surprised either to read that his own father acts the same; unhealthy stuff like your man is showing you is often learnt and is deeply ingrained.

He is not going to make any of your life easier for you; its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. Challenging him brings on illness and tears followed by flowers and unmet promises.

You are really only secondary to his life anyway; you are not anywhere near the top of his priority list. He is at the top of his priority list.

I honestly agree with what you're saying about him not being a loving partner in the ways soeone maybe should be, but I also promise, if ou came to stay in our house for a weekend you'd come away thinking "God that man loves her, how nice to see that in a man", because that's how it looks and feels. It's so far under the surface and so tucked in and I have gotten so used to it it feels normal.

If someone had told me 4 years ago that I would end up living with him, that he'd never make me part of his life, that he'd never invite his friends to our house, that he'd still be part of his ex wifes family, that he'd never have a baby with me, that he'd not have me on his bank account, that we'd not be married, that all of this would be how it was -I would have run for the hills...but it was so gradual and tempered with so much love, friendship and affection that his incapability to commit to me has been hidden under a blanket of a man who could not be mor committed to the naked eye.

This is a man who shouts his love for me from the rooftops and cries if i am upset with him - yet he can't do the basic that some less adording husbands do every day.

I always thought Attila that abusive people had intent. I don't believe he has intent. I believe he is a weak person who relies on manipulation to get his needs met because he knows no other way. I believe he loves me to the capacity he can love someone else but that he can't see my needs the way he should.

He's good, isn't he?! He puts on such an act that you've bought it hook, line and sinker. He's just a helpless man who behaves the way he does because he doesn't know any better.

I really do believe that.

Am I being stupid? Is it not possible?

Nah. this is a bad one.
he's a bad egg.
it would be a very poor decision to move in with him.
ditch him and move on.
there are nice men out there, you know.

So he has designed a little wife-shaped box that you can fit in. It's a nice plush box, comfortably padded. But it's making you feel oppressed and suffocated to be in that box.

So what do you want to do?

I do think you can explore ways to make the box more liveable - issue an ultimatum about being on the bank account/insurance, look into generating more of a social life for yourself. But there is the option about climbing out of the box altogether - how does that make you feel?

Seems like his ex wife knows exactly what he is like and told you: incredibly selfish.

It took her 18years to break free but she did it. Would it be worth asking her about her experience of him? She might have the clarity you need. She knows him so well.

You're not being stupid, but you have fallen for his expert manipulation. It's understandable - he's good, and you love him. But doesn't his behaviour make you wonder if anything is genuine? If it isn't all designed to make you fall into line?

biblio the box isn't even wife-shaped, they're not married

TeaFathers "it would be a very poor decision to move in with him" - wrong thread?!

Jackie,

re your comment:-
"This is a man who shouts his love for me from the rooftops and cries if i am upset with him - yet he can't do the basic that some less adoring husbands do every day".

I always thought Attila that abusive people had intent".

Oh but he does have intent; the intention here is to put you in a hole of his own making. He has done this and a bang up job on you (you've also been conditioned through past experiences from childhood to accept sub standard relationships as your lot as well). Your job in that hole is to grow flowers in it which is what you have done to date. You have now noticed that the flowers are not enough.

Abuse is about power and control; he has absolute and wants absolute here.

He acts like this because he can and his own father is the very same too. This is deeply ingrained; he knows exactly what he is doing here.

If you get upset with him he shuts you down by crying and making false promises not to act like that again. He is a very manipulative individual indeed and one you really do need to get away from.

And no, if I went to your house I'd not be thinking good of your man either; I would see a woman i.e. you being suffocated emotionally by him.
Any change to your own day to day conditions i.e. to have a joint bank account will likely be met with tears and fierce resistance making you feel bad.

I don't think I really know what a good relationship looks like on the inside

I am saddened that no-one ever bothered to show you from childhood what a mutually loving and healthy relationship looks like. You were taught a lot of crap lessons about relationships and all that will now need to be unlearnt.

The ex wife and him have a very diferrent setup.

Met in school. Married since 19. I like her a lot actually. Dignified and strong woman who takes no shite but is kind. She does take the piss at times in terms of her demands and rules which sometimes impact us a lot and she treats him like a child - she makes all the decisions about their kid without asking his opinion and he just lays down and takes it.

She said that he was just selfish and didn't elaborate too much but she acts like she feels both pity and disdain for him. I know she was in love with someone else for 5 years and didn't leave him because she felt she'd kill him by doing it. She was relieved he met me, took guilt off her.

I do sometimes wonder if it's not as simple as that he wants to married to her and not me and I was a filler. It's hard for me to say that, but it's an obvious concern.

Her family love him, and can't get over her leaving him. She gets very angry and annoyed that he won't seem to get that they are divorced and wished he'd not keep showing up to things!

Okay, so for the next few months until the spring why don’t you try and carve your own life for yourself where you live? Join some clubs, join a gym, join a city socialiser or meetup group, try as hard as you can to make new friends without relying on him? You could even invite his friends over to your house if he won’t. Hell, you could just insist you go along next time HE meets these friends alone.

You say you’re a SAHM, is childcare an option and you get a job? You’d meet people that way, it would give you a sense of self-worth!

Don’t put up with the BS. Say you want to have a joint bank account by February, and to have a date set for the wedding by Feb or you are out.
Literally give him an ultimatum, MAKE him listen and install these changes and if he doesn’t, leave.

You say he has hobbies and plays on sports teams. Do you? You definitely need to find something that is yours, not part of his set-up.

You say that when you bring up these topics he cries. But what about when you bring them up in a casual and non critical way? Eg

"I'd love to invite X and Y over to dinner"
"Let's organise a babysitter and have a night out together next week"

What would happen then?

You sound very unhappy OP. I'm shit at advice, but it does sound like your DP has everything his own way and you're not allowed to criticise him. Very difficult when outwardly he's a 'lovely man' but you know the reality of living with him

It's interesting you say that anyone could see your relationship from the outside, they would think what a devoted husband, what a happy relationship etc. but yet you cannot have a decent adult conversation with him.

How it is seen from the outside means NOTHING.

How it feels from the inside means EVERYTHING.

How would it feel to say to him "I'm unhappy that we cannot have an adult conversation without you either crying or becoming ill if the subject is anything to do with my needs. It feels as though I am being manipulated into being responsible for you like a child. I need this this and this etc."

Can you imagine how such a conversation might go?

Have a read about the roles people sometimes take on in relationships. The roles of persecutor, victim and rescuer, and how people move between them. here

It's interesting what you say about his relationship with his ex. It doesn't sound to me as if he's not really over her, but more that their relationship was similar to yours, ie this is just how he is in relationships. Have you considered counselling or a marriage course?

Yes, there are things I could do to "get out more". I am a bit shy, and not feeling my best and have become really insular in myself but I can make an effort. Work wise is difficult. I am home right now tfor the kids in the school holidays and also after school and it would be hard to make other arrangements with my boy having SN and no family about, so that has deterred me. Also, I had a pretty high profile job in a big city and over where I am now it would be a choice between maybe a teaching support job at the school or working in tescos or something. There's not a lot here. I know that's me being negative but it doesn't feel exciting or fullfilling in my mind. I do know I have to make changes for myself and not expect him to do all of it.

It's hard for me to join teams and things in the evening. If I did I'd never see BF. He is out 4 nights a week on his various hobbies all in all, so if I add to that I feel like we might as well be ships passing in the night. I could though.

If I tried having a casual convo with him about this, he'd say "sure babe, great idea, I wil invite Mike and Lisa over for a BBQ" and then I would never have that BBQ. Would always be some reason why not. I think it's not that he wants to avoid people, but more that he already has such a busy life...every weeknight almost on hobbies and the weekends with me and the kids that he CBA to sort other things.

He is pretty good at weekends in terms of activities. Like he will plan great places to take the kids, sports to do with them and always a "plan" for something exciting so I guess I live for the weekends.

I maybe should try that approach Buttocks. I have never been forceful really firm like that but I have always approched it either casually, softly, crying or very angry. Have never tried "this is happenning, cut the shit".

"I don't think I really know what a good relationship looks like on the inside"
That's why a few of us have suggested the Freedom Programme, it will help to educate you about healthy v unhealthy relationships. Please do check it out.

I'm sad to read about your worries that your partner still wants to be with his ex-wife, that she's better than you. It shows that you feel insecure and lack self esteem, and he's probably contributed to those feelings even if the root causes go further back. I think you've internalised the idea that his treatment of you is somehow your fault; that you're not good enough to be treated in the way you want to be treated. The thing is though, it has weirdly got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. His behaviour is his fault. His ex wife seems strong to you, but he probably treated her the same or similar. I suspect that's the real reason she ended the relationship.

In any case, I think you have been too focused on him and his feelings (for you, for his ex, and in general). It's really important that you start to focus much more on yourself. You say that you've lost yourself somewhat since being with him - you relocated and gave up lots of things (work, friends etc). My advice is to start doing things to find yourself again. Look into childcare options so you can get a part time job. This would give you a bit of financial independence and confidence as well as helping you to meet new people. And start an activity that you'll enjoy and might lead to new friendships - a team sport, book club, evening class... Anything! You absolute need to get out more and start building a life and relationships that don't revolve around him. Otherwise it's going to be impossible to break out of your unhappy situation. I do think you need to end the relationship, but without rebuilding your own life first, I think it will be too hard - you might miss all the good things too much and forget the bad.

This does sound a lot like us...

The person is the R position is the rescuer. The person in that role essentially has "nice guy" control. He hooks into the V or victim. The person in that role feels overwhelmed at times. He feels that problems are falling down on his head. The rescuer steps in and says, "I can help you out. Just do what I say, everything will be fine." Often times couples will begin their relationship in some form of this. They psychologically cut a deal: The rescuer says that I will agree to be big, strong, good and nice; the victim says I will agree to be overwhelmed and unable to manage. Everyone is happy. The rescuer feels needed, important and in charge. The victim has someone to take care of him

I do think we are a bit like that, like I became weaker in this relationship (willingly) in exchange for being loved and looked after and he gets to have what he wants and I do to, only maybe I don't really want it like that.

Crying in your lap?! Jesus wept. I'm sorry, but how did you not see through that the first time he put that show on?!

Until you got to that bit, I was going to post that he sounds a lot like my ex. I met him when he was on the rebound from his wife (which I didn't know at the time or I would have steered clear) and although he came across as this great, easy-going, generous guy, he was actually incredibly selfish. He really didn't listen to what I said - literally I could tell him an anecdote from my colourful past and three months later I could tell him again and he'd say he'd never heard that before, how hilarious/weird/amazing I was

In the end he ran off with someone, do you want to guess who? His FIRST wife... who he had left for the second wife he was just splitting from when I met him.

But at least he never ran to throw up after I shouted at him.

Sorry, massive cross post. My advice still stands though. Him being out 4 nights a week while you get no free time for yourself or no quality time as a couple is just not acceptable. I think you should tell him calmly but firmly that you need 1 night a week to do an activity and he therefore needs to reduce his nights to 3 instead of 4. That is still massively unequal but it's a step in the right direction. I suspect he might resent having to give up even 1 night a week for you - he might not want to look after "your child" so you can do something for yourself - but if he loves you as much as he claims to, he should be able to do that for you.

"I had a pretty high profile job in a big city and over where I am now it would be a choice between maybe a teaching support job at the school or working in tescos or something. There's not a lot here. I know that's me being negative but it doesn't feel exciting or fullfilling in my mind."
I understand that it might feel like a big demotion after doing a high-flying job before, but surely getting a job would be a step in the right direction? Long term I think it would be a good idea to move back to where you lived before (for work and family support) but in the meantime, until you feel ready to move, it would be good to get back into some kind of work. Anything would be better than nothing, surely?

Btw, is the house you live in owned or rented? Is it in joint names or just his name?

Thanks AnotherEmma. I don't think I have a full grip on what to expect here or what I should be after. You're right, I honestly don't feel like I should be expecting better.

If he is out 4 nights out of 5 in the week on various sports things and hobbies, I am at home with my child. So, we're not married, it's my child...can I really expect him to cancel an activity to babysite for someone else's child?

this might sound like a stupid quesiton but i have no idea what is normal. If he was my son's Dad I'd not hesitate to demand that but I do feel like my child is my responsibility.

Which I know is ironic as i was his child's clothes and take him shopping and make his meals and look after him like my own.

My head is totally messed about what I should be expecting here.

I agree something would be better than nothing and I need to take steps to make myself feel more alive. I will really take that on board.

We rent.

We can't buy because he is still (3 years post divorce being finalised) on the mortgage with his ex wife.

Another stickling point, as her financial security and stability is prioritised over mine :(

Both names on lease. All bills in his name.

I have some of my own money from investments, which provides me with a bit of my own.