Has anyone got time to tell me if my relationship is bad or good?

[littlejackiehorner]

I've only ever had one relationship before this (at least one we lived together and it was really serious) and he was a drunk, cocaine taking guy who was aggressive, very selfish and quite outwardly unpleasant to me at times.

I wanted to know if anyone had time to just read this and let me know what this relationship sounds like. If it's a good and normal one or if it's a bad one. I feel at times like I don't see the wood for the trees.

He was quite infatuated with me very quickly, at the tail end of a marriage where she'd left him and broken his heart. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate nd that what he had with me he never had with her. He could not do enough for me, wanted to talk to me every minute and I've never felt so loved by anyone before.

He's a generally nice sort of guy, easygoing, popular with people, no bad temper, kind to people, responsible and dependable and he pretty much always does what he says he will.

He has a child from previous. Very cute and lovely kid of 5. I have a child from previous. Also a lovely kid, but some SN which makes him challenging at times, he's 8.

He asked me to move in with him after about 6 months dating, so we did and have lived together for 3.5 years now. We live with my kid full time and his every weekend and most holidays. Kids get on great.

Living together meant me moving quite far from home /leaving my job and a lot behind me so that's hard but I always felt like I had found Mr Right and he's made me happy and given me a happy family I always wanted.

On the good side

I feel silly almost even asking about the quality or normalcy of my relationship because BF is so outwardly devoted. He can't do enough for me, would give me his last penny, would drive any distance to save me walking in the cold, would go out at 11pm to Tesco if I fancied some crisps, he cuddles me all the time, very affectionate, always wants to see me and misses me if we're apart. We have a great sex life, he remembers every ocassion and gets me romantic and thoughtful gifts. He listens to me when i want to talk and he tells me everything. We laugh and get on as great friends and enjoy nights on the sofa and trips as a family. He is nice to my friends and family, he is supportive of my ideas and wants to help when I have a problem. He tells me he loves me all the time and does nice things for me that make me feel very loved and appreciated. He isn't an angry person and never says bad things to me or does anything nasty. He is a really good Dad and always does things with the kids and plans things for them. He's the first to get up on the weekends and brings me a cup of tea. He acts proud of me when he introduces me to people and his friends have all told me they've never seen him so happy or in love like it is with me, and that his marriage was nothing like that.

So there's a lot of good things, and day to day, we are just good to each other and in love but a few things are just ongoing battles in my head.

Concerns

I feel guilty even saying this but a few things concern me.

1. He seems to favouritise his kid over mine. I know this is normal to a degree but sometimes it is really obvious. In fairness, he is a good Stepdad and comes to parents evenings and shares responsibilities and is a good ear and role model to my kid BUT the favouritism seems to slip out in subtle ways. Like my kid asks him to play a game and he says hes busy and two minutes later he plays the same game with his own kid and looks annoyed if mine wants to join in with them. This breaks my heart a bit for my kid who has SN and gets rejected by people a lot. I do treat both kids 100% equally and if anything I spoil my Stepson more and I do a lot of things to make sure his kid feels 100% included in our home, but it hurts me to see him do that.

1. He has occassionally been caught lying or doing something "off", which I have swept under the carpet, but which irks at me. For example, I once caught him looking at porn one night when I was really ill and he lied about it. Seems silly, but I really needed comfort that day and he was wanking over porn while I was suferring and needed a cuddle and it annoyed me a lot. I am not sure he is 100% truthful with me over little things like that and feel like he spends a lot of time on porn sites or whatever.

1. When he asked me to move in with him, he said he wanted marriage, more kids and various things but none of it has materialised. He told me a couple of years in that he changed his mind about the baby, which I accepted, but the engagement was also put off by two years and the wedding is set for much later than we agreed. I can't help feeling niggled that our joint plan has been slowly changed to somthing else without my consent. He is always saying he can't wait to marry me and he bought me a beautiful ring but I just feel like he does everything on his timetable.

1. His ex wife seems to still play a role in our lives. For example he allows her to dictate elements of our lives that seem to cross a boundary of what should not be her concern. He seems hell bent in impressing her at times - for example buying expensive gifts for his ex in laws (although the ex wife has now remarried) and it is sometimes a bit concerning that he does no such thing for my parents. Albeit they were married 18 years and he says he feels her family are very important to him and I try and be understanding but he honestly acts like they are his in laws and mine aren't.

1. Although I moved to live with him, he has changed nothing about his life to allow for me being his partner. So for example he still plays in all the same sports teams and hobbies that he did in his marriage and socialises in a way as if he was still her husband, and mixes mainly ith their old joint friends. That makes me feel extremely excluded. In fact, I feel his involvement in activities and social groups that I can't be part of have left me very isolated in my new town and at times I feel more like a mistress than a partner.

1. We never argue. I say that in the sense that I literally mean that in four years he has never once told me anything I did annoyed, upset or aggravated him in any way. He has never been in a bad mood and snapped at me or said something mean or stormed out or slept on the sofa. I mean, literally not one time. And I worry that this can't be realistic. He says I am perfect, but no one is.

1. We have no social life. I mean, we do stuff at the weekends with the kids as a family and he's rarely out with friends without me but we don't know any other couples or families. He knows lots, but because they are friends of the ex wife, he tends to go to their events alone and never invites them to our place. All my friends live far away so the only time we "socialise" is when we have weekend visitors.

1. He remains separate from me financially. I have my accounts and cards and he has his. We both have a Tescos clubcard. We've not "joined" in that sense and while he pretty much is the most generous person you could describe I don't feel like a full couple. He also got a life insurance policy through work and named his kid as he sole beneficiary, and he got a new passport and named his Mum as next of kin. This isn't about the money...it's about me not feeling like a full partner and those things made me feel like less than his partner.

1. We have his kid every weekend and holiday. Now don't get me wrong, I love his kid and love having him around, but when we have him every weekend it means we literally never go out as a couple or have a weekend just the two of us. I don't think we ever do that and I am so bored and isolated that at times I dress up in heels and a little black dress just to have dinner at home.

So that's it. Based on those things..do you think they are things that are worrying?

It has been years now and we have slipped into the permancy of this and I don't feel 100% like I am part of my own family. I feel like he loves me, yes, desires me enormously - maybe to the point he has me on a pedestal, but I feel like he keeps a foot in the door of his previous marriage and I am not fully secure. I also feel like I gave up such a full and colourful life of my own, to become a SAHM, to be there for his child and provide for him the family life he wanted, but often worry that it is at my own expense.

I have tried to talk to him about all the things on the list - some things over and over again -and his response is always the same which is to cry a lot, tell me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and then he just pretty much carries on exactly how things were. I honestly feel like if I left him he would collapse completely because he seems to need me that badly - but then I wonder why he can't see my own need as well as his.

Most of the time I just go along with it, because he showers me in so much love and kindness that I have never had before. Because he is a good Dad and a kind person and because I love him and he doesn't mean to harm but I just want to know what independent observers might thing of our perfect life and home which might not be as perfect as it looks on the surface.

Nothing on this list is ever going to change.

Does he cry every time you try to discuss anything to do with your relationship?!

That would seriously start to grate!!

So they lived separately but under the same roof for two years ? I wonder why she would consent to this, given that she is wealthy and was the main carer for their child. I wonder why she didn't just kick him out .

And why would any self respecting man go on living with his ex while she shagged someone else ? Obviously he was perfectly capable of renting somewhere on his own, because that what's he does now .

And everyone in the village knew about this arrangement , because they were glad when he met you because she's had a new partner for ages ?

Can I just check - how do you know all this ? Because he told you? Or because that what all his friends and family have told you themselves . You said they told you that your DP is happy now

But you also say that you don't meet any of his friends . How do you get on with his family ? have they welcomed you ?

When he lived with his ex, did he go out socialising 5 nights a week and if so, who watched their child ? And how do his ex and her new DH go out so much now, since they still have a child ?

I have to say that from the outside it looks much more like she kicked him out for being a selfish arse. Or maybe not .

Either way, he has moved you in to do all the domestic labour while he goes out every night . Plus you look after his child at the weekend so he can be dad of the year and just do fun things . And prove to his ex ( who he's still involved with ) that he doesn't need her to service him .

Can I ask how you met, given that you say you worked and lived far away from him ?

You say he is nice to your friends and family , but when do you get to see them ? If you are in with your child alone 5 nights a week and then care for both children all weekend .

You say you don't know any couples or families and you don't go out together . What do you do at weekends when you go out with the children ?

Sorry for so many question, I trying to understand your situation . you sounds more like an unpaid nanny who provides sex rather than an equal partner . I'm sorry if I am misunderstanding

A lot to read this morning.

SpringyDaffs that sounds quite insightful. I often feel like he is trying to impress and keep happy everyone and the wrong people. I don't feel like his insular family (myself and the two children) come truly first. We do in many senses (he spends all his time with us, loves us, cares for us) but we don't own a home so he can facilitate someone else's life being easier. Things like that show to me he is not prioritising his new family.

You say his EXW is selfish...I don't think so. Bossy yes, but he lets her walk all over him without a hint of argument. She would have her child anytime (and would like that) but I think she feels guilty for leaving. She'd happily give us a weekend off anytime. She's a good Mum. I saw her as an ogre at first, and her me, but we actually get on. She's much more assertive than me.

rollonthesummer no he doesn't cry all the time. This is over a few isolated subject matters. He is pretty flexible and a good listener over the majority of things.

Kr1stina I have heard this story from him, and from the villagers. She was wanting to leave him for ages but felt too guilty. I can understand that because I would feel the same he's very hard to upset. They went to counselling and all sorts but she was finished. It was others who told me about the OM. He seems in total denial to admit it was going on. And yes, everyone was delighted he met me because they felt sorry for him.

His family hate her, and love me. They welcomed me from day one like a daughter. I don't know much about his socialising when they were married but her parents were closely involved. It's not "out drinking" type of socialising, more a lot of sports and hobbying.

We met through our families, who are actually from the same place. Where we live is where EXW is from - not his family. My family and friends visit, and we visit them sometimes. Some of them have known him since before I did, so already had a good opinion of him.

When we go out we do day trips to places. Theme parks, parks, sights, activity days, center parcs, historic sites, camping, hotel breaks or just spending weekends at home but with lots planned. He's very good at that and seems to want to keep us all entertained. He spoils me an the kids a lot. Lots of presents and suprises.

He dosn't treat me like an unpaid nanny, more like a mistress is how I feel. He can't keep his hands off me, he is very affectionate and desperate to be around me. If I go away for a few days he is on the phone constantly.

From what I understand of their previous life since the baby came, she was out every night he wasn't and they never saw each other. She did a lot of volunteering, there was a lot of village socials, they were members of lots of clubs. I asked him what they did as a family and he said they never did anything. She was always out if he wasn't so it was never a true "family life" and from what I have heard from one of her friends by the time the baby was born she already wanted a divorce so she was probably avoiding him! He always spent a lot of time with her family. At their house almost every day type of thing. He still hangs out with her family a lot...even extended.

I guess the question is then OP....What are you going to do?

P.s you don't live in East Anglia do you? This sort of village life type situation seems all too familiar!

No, nowhere near East Anglia!

I'm not sure yet, I just wanted to know if it was me or of there was a problem. I'm not at my best and feeling ill and unhappy and I've felt like it was me. He's certainly phrased it in ways to make me feel like the way I am right now is my own weakness and problem and that he's there to love me through it - but that nagging sense he's created it has been bubbling in me

"he spends all his time with us"
Er, no he doesn't. He goes out 4 nights a week.

I'm afraid I would be asking him to cut down his 4 nights a week to 2, that way you can spend 1 night a week doing something, a hobby, or a club and not have to worry about being 'ships that pass in the night' and the other night, get a babysitter and go out for a meal, or for a drink etc.

It just seem like there ARE ways the situation could be improved (so at least you could see if it would work if little niggles get resolved) but they just aren't happening.

Put your bloody foot down, get ANGRY. Get assertive and tell him to shape up or ship out!!!

I often feel like he is trying to impress and keep happy everyone and the wrong people. I don't feel like his insular family (myself and the two children) come truly first

You are spot on . Thes very concerned about his public image isn't he. There's a lot in your posts about people feeling sorry for him .

rollonthesummer no he doesn't cry all the time. This is over a few isolated subject matters. He is pretty flexible and a good listener over the majority of things

Except buying a house, getting engaged, getting married , having a baby , not having his child every weekend , where you live , having friends over and going out 4 nights a week . Is that right?

He dosn't treat me like an unpaid nanny, more like a mistress is how I feel. He can't keep his hands off me, he is very affectionate and desperate to be around me. If I go away for a few days he is on the phone constantly

Mistresses don't usually do all the houswork and childcare . And the phoning all the time doesn't sounds loving, it's sounds creepy and controlling

You're probably right on all that

Why are you saying he spends all his time with you yet he goes out most evenings, socialising with his ex-wife's friends and family and excludes you?

I just want to have this all really straight in my head in a logical sense with emotion taken out of it, so I know how to assert myself and what I should be expecting.

So...

1. It's normal for me to expect that he stops spending so much time with his ex wife's family and buying them expensive gifts etc.?

1. It's normal for me to expect one weekend a month to be spent on us, rather than the kids and for us to get a babysitter and go out as a couple?

1. It's normal for me to expect he goes out 1 - 2 nights a week on sports or hobbies, but not every night?

1. it's normal for me to expect that those hobbies and sports teams should be adjusted so he is not solely socialising with his "old friends" and he also makes an effort to make new ones as a couple with me?

1. It's normal for me to expect him to introduce me, and include me in any social activities he has? Rather than constantly putting how arkward he feels about his ex wife as a reason to exclude me?

1. It's normal for me to expect him to financially emancipate from his ex wife and commit financially to me, as his new partner? With joint finances with me instad of her and a view to building a financial future for us and not her?

1. It's normal for me to expect us to clearly discuss or plans sch as having a baby or getting married without waterworks or avoidance from him and for him to negotiate those points like an adult and stick to what is agreed?

1. It is normal for me to expect to be a shared beneficiary on his life insurance policy?

1. It is normal for me to expect he treats our children equally, even if he obviously loves his own child more he should never show it?

10. It is normal for me to expect him to faclitate or participate or encourage in whatever ways he can, me having my own life here, where he helps me to meet people he knows and participates in meeting new people with me? (we have not made a single friend as a couple in three years!!!)

If i can get all that straight in my mind, and believe I am not being demanding or selfish, I think I can probably write it out for him. If he can't provide it, I think it is proof he doesn't want a real life with me. Maybe he doesn't.

I can't live like this anymore.

YES, FGS. I mean this kindly OP I really do, but YES ALL THAT IS NORMAL! So stop dithering and do something about it.

Don't let this be yet another redundant thread where the OP gets copious amounts of unanimous advice and doesn't actually take any of it!

This is the perfect time of year IMO to enforce some 'rules and changes'

Sit him down tonight (if he's not off hobbying!) and tell him that as of 1st January 2016, things have to change or you're off. Say you've given it a deadline in your head and you'll walk away then if nothing has changed (DON'T tell him when that deadline is)

Honestly, this is ridiculous. Stop being so passive, start INSISTING. You need to because only then will you really see if things will change for the good.

100% normal. All of them.

The most important for me would be the finances - he comes off her mortgage for a start - and the socialising - he should not be keeping you separate from his old friends.

Thanks RedSky. I think it's interesting to me that I expected to write these things and have people say I was being demanding or needy or selfish so my perspective of what to expect has been skewed. I was in a place where I felt having someone very kind, loving, affectionate, supportive in so many ways was someting to be grateful for and I think if I'd had this conversation with friends or family they would have told me it was just him and I'd not have had the same reactions but you all can see more objectively beause you don't know us.

I won't sit him down, I am going to write it out and explain this anger and frustration and feeling this way is making me ill and that he has to change it and if he cries I am going to take him to counselling.

I have to at least try, we have kids involved.

I am a strong person, I know it doesn't sound that way, but I just don't cope well with people who make me feel sorry for them

What strikes me op is that you have very little leverage, he has pulled a bait and switch manoeuvre on you with the written plan which never materialised.
In a partnership you work together for mutual benefit, seems to me that you work for his benefit, I think you lost your power when you moved in with him, its easier for him to keep you where he wants you when he can keep up constant subtle pressure and he can make sure you never get what you want.

He has you financially disempowered

I see what you're saying, but I don't feel like I need him. I wanted our life to work out a certain way and I wanted the "family" and the great life he promised me but it's not how it is.

I had a lot of options. I might have missed the boat on having more children, but c'est la vie. I do have a great family, great friends, great CV, money behind me (of my own) and I can be out of here in days if I make that choice.

I definitely agree the situation has me hogtied, but I'm not scared of walking away. I love him but I don't want to grow old as half a person.

Could you afford to get childcare/a job and move out?

Hi Jackie

re your comment:-
"I have to at least try, we have kids involved".

I think you are far better off showing your child that you do not put up and shut up within an unhealthy relationship. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what do you think your child is already learning here about them?.

Look at what you learnt about relationships too.

What more can you try to do?. Unless he is truly interested you are wasting your time. Its still not working for you and what is he really doing or has done to try and improve things with regards to your own situation?. All he has really done here to you is provide you with a lot of unmet promises, tears and "one day" malarkey. Its all about him and his needs, his need to present a perfect life to the rest of the world at a great cost to you.

The above also sounds like "sunken costs fallacy" (read up on that too with regards to relationships). You forget that the damage here has already been done by him.

I doubt very much he will take any notice of such a letter (well he will perhaps make short term changes then revert to type; his dad after all is the self same) and as for counselling well you can forget that idea as well. What makes you at all think he would actually attend?. Such men will likely manipulate the counsellor to make that person see his side and make it all out to be your fault again. You've been well and truly manipulated by him.

Counselling for you solely is a must do though. You need to be able to talk
freely in a calm and controlled environment and without him being there.

You indeed certainly do not cope well with people who make you feel sorry for them. Being a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship never works; is that how you have seen yourself in any previous relationship too?.

Also, I earned much more money than he did. I mean, previously. The reason I was the one to give up work and move rather than him was solely his child

He has got you to sacrifice your earning power, that means you have less power in the relationship, yes you'd have been jointly better off with you working but it would have been your income and you'd have felt more entitled to dictate terms

If you do leave he's going to weep and wail, possibly worse

If I move out I will be going home. Not moving out to live here alone!!!

"I have to at least try, we have kids involved."

Well, you don't have children together. Of course there will be changes for the children if you and he split up, but as a PP said it's more important that you show your child healthy relationships.

If you want to try, that's understandable, but let it be for your own sake and not for the children. If it doesn't work, don't use the children as a reason/excuse to stay anyway.

I think my child thinks his Stepdad is amazing Attilla, which makes it hard.

I agree that if we saw a counsellor the counsellor would love him and think I was a bitch. He would cry and she would feel sorry for him like everyone does.

If I left him just like that everyone would hate me (not that this is a consideration) but I won't have much support, even from my own family.

Yes, he will weep and wail and fall apart if I leave, I know that, but getting a clear picture that what I want isn't selfish helps me feel more strong.

I have always been a rescuer yes, but our dynamic is diferrent...he takes care of me if that makes sense. I have infanalised myself in this relationship. Partly at least my own fault.

I just wanted to be swept off into some romantic fantasy

Nice looking mad madly in love with me
Beautiful country life
No more struggling work and parenting
Someone to come home to
Someone who said my son's SNs weren't a problem who did "Dad" stuff with him
gorgeous step child
Ready made family
Life I always wanted
Really kind and uccessful and stable guy everyone loved
Me not having to do EVERYTHING by myself for the first time ever
No hitting, shouting, abusive words
Being told how incredible I was
Feeling like I was with someone who would NEVER leave
Being on a pedestal
Family life, cooking, christmas, hugs and stories

It was a fantasy I bought into, and when we were dating he would have done ANYTHING for me. He was literally desparate to please me and it didn't for a second occur to me that there was anything bad about that - I just felt lucky.

It's been so hard to accept I am not happy.