Has anyone got time to tell me if my relationship is bad or good?

[littlejackiehorner]

I've only ever had one relationship before this (at least one we lived together and it was really serious) and he was a drunk, cocaine taking guy who was aggressive, very selfish and quite outwardly unpleasant to me at times.

I wanted to know if anyone had time to just read this and let me know what this relationship sounds like. If it's a good and normal one or if it's a bad one. I feel at times like I don't see the wood for the trees.

He was quite infatuated with me very quickly, at the tail end of a marriage where she'd left him and broken his heart. He told me he loved me and I was his soulmate nd that what he had with me he never had with her. He could not do enough for me, wanted to talk to me every minute and I've never felt so loved by anyone before.

He's a generally nice sort of guy, easygoing, popular with people, no bad temper, kind to people, responsible and dependable and he pretty much always does what he says he will.

He has a child from previous. Very cute and lovely kid of 5. I have a child from previous. Also a lovely kid, but some SN which makes him challenging at times, he's 8.

He asked me to move in with him after about 6 months dating, so we did and have lived together for 3.5 years now. We live with my kid full time and his every weekend and most holidays. Kids get on great.

Living together meant me moving quite far from home /leaving my job and a lot behind me so that's hard but I always felt like I had found Mr Right and he's made me happy and given me a happy family I always wanted.

On the good side

I feel silly almost even asking about the quality or normalcy of my relationship because BF is so outwardly devoted. He can't do enough for me, would give me his last penny, would drive any distance to save me walking in the cold, would go out at 11pm to Tesco if I fancied some crisps, he cuddles me all the time, very affectionate, always wants to see me and misses me if we're apart. We have a great sex life, he remembers every ocassion and gets me romantic and thoughtful gifts. He listens to me when i want to talk and he tells me everything. We laugh and get on as great friends and enjoy nights on the sofa and trips as a family. He is nice to my friends and family, he is supportive of my ideas and wants to help when I have a problem. He tells me he loves me all the time and does nice things for me that make me feel very loved and appreciated. He isn't an angry person and never says bad things to me or does anything nasty. He is a really good Dad and always does things with the kids and plans things for them. He's the first to get up on the weekends and brings me a cup of tea. He acts proud of me when he introduces me to people and his friends have all told me they've never seen him so happy or in love like it is with me, and that his marriage was nothing like that.

So there's a lot of good things, and day to day, we are just good to each other and in love but a few things are just ongoing battles in my head.

Concerns

I feel guilty even saying this but a few things concern me.

1. He seems to favouritise his kid over mine. I know this is normal to a degree but sometimes it is really obvious. In fairness, he is a good Stepdad and comes to parents evenings and shares responsibilities and is a good ear and role model to my kid BUT the favouritism seems to slip out in subtle ways. Like my kid asks him to play a game and he says hes busy and two minutes later he plays the same game with his own kid and looks annoyed if mine wants to join in with them. This breaks my heart a bit for my kid who has SN and gets rejected by people a lot. I do treat both kids 100% equally and if anything I spoil my Stepson more and I do a lot of things to make sure his kid feels 100% included in our home, but it hurts me to see him do that.

1. He has occassionally been caught lying or doing something "off", which I have swept under the carpet, but which irks at me. For example, I once caught him looking at porn one night when I was really ill and he lied about it. Seems silly, but I really needed comfort that day and he was wanking over porn while I was suferring and needed a cuddle and it annoyed me a lot. I am not sure he is 100% truthful with me over little things like that and feel like he spends a lot of time on porn sites or whatever.

1. When he asked me to move in with him, he said he wanted marriage, more kids and various things but none of it has materialised. He told me a couple of years in that he changed his mind about the baby, which I accepted, but the engagement was also put off by two years and the wedding is set for much later than we agreed. I can't help feeling niggled that our joint plan has been slowly changed to somthing else without my consent. He is always saying he can't wait to marry me and he bought me a beautiful ring but I just feel like he does everything on his timetable.

1. His ex wife seems to still play a role in our lives. For example he allows her to dictate elements of our lives that seem to cross a boundary of what should not be her concern. He seems hell bent in impressing her at times - for example buying expensive gifts for his ex in laws (although the ex wife has now remarried) and it is sometimes a bit concerning that he does no such thing for my parents. Albeit they were married 18 years and he says he feels her family are very important to him and I try and be understanding but he honestly acts like they are his in laws and mine aren't.

1. Although I moved to live with him, he has changed nothing about his life to allow for me being his partner. So for example he still plays in all the same sports teams and hobbies that he did in his marriage and socialises in a way as if he was still her husband, and mixes mainly ith their old joint friends. That makes me feel extremely excluded. In fact, I feel his involvement in activities and social groups that I can't be part of have left me very isolated in my new town and at times I feel more like a mistress than a partner.

1. We never argue. I say that in the sense that I literally mean that in four years he has never once told me anything I did annoyed, upset or aggravated him in any way. He has never been in a bad mood and snapped at me or said something mean or stormed out or slept on the sofa. I mean, literally not one time. And I worry that this can't be realistic. He says I am perfect, but no one is.

1. We have no social life. I mean, we do stuff at the weekends with the kids as a family and he's rarely out with friends without me but we don't know any other couples or families. He knows lots, but because they are friends of the ex wife, he tends to go to their events alone and never invites them to our place. All my friends live far away so the only time we "socialise" is when we have weekend visitors.

1. He remains separate from me financially. I have my accounts and cards and he has his. We both have a Tescos clubcard. We've not "joined" in that sense and while he pretty much is the most generous person you could describe I don't feel like a full couple. He also got a life insurance policy through work and named his kid as he sole beneficiary, and he got a new passport and named his Mum as next of kin. This isn't about the money...it's about me not feeling like a full partner and those things made me feel like less than his partner.

1. We have his kid every weekend and holiday. Now don't get me wrong, I love his kid and love having him around, but when we have him every weekend it means we literally never go out as a couple or have a weekend just the two of us. I don't think we ever do that and I am so bored and isolated that at times I dress up in heels and a little black dress just to have dinner at home.

So that's it. Based on those things..do you think they are things that are worrying?

It has been years now and we have slipped into the permancy of this and I don't feel 100% like I am part of my own family. I feel like he loves me, yes, desires me enormously - maybe to the point he has me on a pedestal, but I feel like he keeps a foot in the door of his previous marriage and I am not fully secure. I also feel like I gave up such a full and colourful life of my own, to become a SAHM, to be there for his child and provide for him the family life he wanted, but often worry that it is at my own expense.

I have tried to talk to him about all the things on the list - some things over and over again -and his response is always the same which is to cry a lot, tell me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and then he just pretty much carries on exactly how things were. I honestly feel like if I left him he would collapse completely because he seems to need me that badly - but then I wonder why he can't see my own need as well as his.

Most of the time I just go along with it, because he showers me in so much love and kindness that I have never had before. Because he is a good Dad and a kind person and because I love him and he doesn't mean to harm but I just want to know what independent observers might thing of our perfect life and home which might not be as perfect as it looks on the surface.

Nothing on this list is ever going to change.

I mean like day to day.

What I want for dinner.

Where I want to go on holiday.

What new car I want

100% accommodating which makes it hard to notice other things

He's tricked you into being his mistress but you can't see it as you're dazzled by the idea, the promise of being his wife. He does know how to be responsible - he's sorted his life insurance and pit the important people in it. You are not married, not on the life insurance, not a real permanent prospect for him. You don't see the bills... If he ran off, had a bad accident, fell ill, died in an accident, you have no security, no home, no money, nothing, but his son does because he really truly does know how to commit and be responsible, he's just not doing that with you.

If I came round your house I wouldn't think he was perfect and you were the perfect couple, however much you protest that I would, it doesn't look like that from the outside, not really. Where is your identity in the relationship, why aren't you married, how come you don't get a babysitter and go out for dates, why does he see his old friends without you, how come he still does alll his hobbies but you never get to do things that you used to enjoy like cocktails and theatre, if you can see he treats his son differently then so can other people.

You sound like a lovely lady who has very gradually had the wool pulled over your eyes. Sorry if I've written in a harsh way.

See that new car? Whose name is it in ? Do you both drive it or only you ?

So you get to choose what's for dinner and he gets to go out alone 4 nights a week , every week for 3 years ??? Really ??

I am amazed at how close your life is to mine but I am 17 years down the line. The confusion just grows. This amazing man who puts you on a pedestal and treats you better than anyone else and yet somehow you feel weak and alone and you confidence has gone. You suffer with anxiety and making the smallest decisions becomes impossible. You have no autonomy and yet you are told you can do whatever you want. Somehow the fear is inside you and won't go away and you don't even know how it got there.
I too came from an awful relationship where I was the breadwinnerand had to do everything for a drunk angry man and my h saved me. So I thought. What he found was his emotional crutch. Someone who made him feel worthwhile. But in order to keep me he needed rules. I still live by them.
Now he has gotten helpand is much improved but I can't gety past the lost
years. I live with the anxiety still and feel sad about it all daily.
Please don't get stuck like I did.

You know what OP, the more you post about him, the harder I'm finding it to write measured advice, because I hate the sound of him! He just sounds AWFUL. The worst thing about him is that he presents himself as the perfect loving man but he is nothing of the sort. If he entertained the possibility of having flaws, if he was willing to accept that, it would be possible to forgive them. But I find his attitude completely enraging and unforgivable.

I agree with AnotherEmma. He needs to entertain the possibility of having flaws, of not always being right, of LISTENING to you and respecting your opinion and trying to change his behaviour to reflect what you have said.

And the comment about having your period would make me MAD!!!!

Just is weird about her friends and family seeing us together. I don't think he likes them thinking of him as not her husband anymore
or maybe you're the fallback option, someone to meet his needs while he figures how to get back with his ex.

If/when he manages to pull that off then the way will be clear to get her back into his life because he hasn't made any permanent commitments to you...his relationship with you can be quickly dismantled as and when the need arises

It's so difficult to explain. He doesn't sit there saying he's never wrong...in fact if you ever argue with him the first thing he says is that he is wrong and apologises. He literally doesn't fight back with anyone.

I hardly ever argue with him, because he is so over-the-top nice to me and does stuff that distracts me from being upset. On a daily basis he is so thoughtful. It's like night and day between these issues and the rest of life.

Just for example here.

I had a party a while ago and was hurt a few of my friends didn't make it for the journey. I didn't complain about it or show him I was upset (I put a smile on) but he would have known it hurt me.

So he sent me an email from work that day to say he knew I was a bit hurt, but that my friends really loved me and he did too and that their lives must just be a bit busy and to not take it to heart. He then came home that day with tickets to something I always wanted to go to, and my favoruite chocolates and he made dinner for me and then just hugged me while I was feeling down. Then he stayed awake really late talking to me until I felt better and was laughing.

I mean...it is difficult when someone is outwardly like that with you all the time because no one has ever been like that before to me. He's not smug and self possessed when you speak to him, he just acts like someone who really loves and cares for you -day in day out - for years. He would give me the shirt off his back, and I know that's hard to believe given everything else, but he would.

I don't think he is a machovalian villian or anything deliberately. I think he's got deep rooted problems. I think springdaffs post a couple of pages back was exactly what he is like.

He does have a patholigical need to be liked. He actually becomes ill if he has to face confrontation. He can't argue or negotiate or face harsh truths at all. This isn't just with me...his first wife was having an affair for years and he pretended he didn't know (which he did) because I just don't think he can face bad things.

Honestly I believe, from knowing him, that he's got very deep problems that I didn't see before. I think he is terrified of what people will think, but all those people are on her side. I think he worries about her parents, her uncles, her brothers, her friends because he wants to be seen as the victim and as Mr Nice guy because I think he's insecure over her lleaving him for OM and he never dealt with any of those emotions...like anger, jealousy, sadness...he just moved on to me with a smile and said "C'est la vie".

All of it is about that...the insurance policy...the team playing...the keeping me away from "their life"....the smotehring her parent in gifts...the fear of asking her to take his name off the mortgage. I think all of it is about being liked. Not about not wanting to commit to me.

I do think he loves me in the sense of being "in love", I just think he can't love anyone in the sense of being in a fully committed partnership, if impressing his ex wife so he can feel less bad about the rejection, the loss of his first family is so much more important to him than focussing on the new one.

I think her and her family were all he has ever known. I think it would have been diferrent completely 100000% if we had moved away together and started a new life, but he hasn't detached.

He is a pretty selfish person, and he is a bit manipulative, and he is a bit of a people pleaser but he's got a hundred other great qualities and we are in love so this is all a shame.

I made a mistake moving in with him. Should never have done it. I felt like he was committing to me but it's not really been that.

I think he might actually have to lose me to sort himself out. I think he needs counselling to get to the point where he does not give a fuck what his ex wife or her Dad or the village think, and where he can feel like he is a good Dad without having to "prove" it with insurance policies and favouritism and where he can start a new life without one leg still stuck in the old one the way it is.

I don't think this situation or inabilty to move forward has anything at all to do with me, and yes, i do sense he is close to cracking. I feel like he is wired to his limit trying to keep everyone happy and as soon as I start becoming one more person he has to fold himself into knots for I think he is going to mentally crack. I really do.

If you'd seen him when i get angry he is literally terrified of me leaving him. I think he feels he needs me, but at the same time he can't be what I need until he says adios to the rest and he isn't ready to do that. I am going to have to leave and it is all going to be a giant mess but I think this runs very deep.

She would never get back togther with him. Not in a gazillion years

And can I just say as well...

He was despeate to stay married to her. I saw his Amazon account from back then and he was ordering books on saving his marriage. He was living without her in the same bedroom over years. He was organising couselling and literally doing everything a man "would" do to get his wife to love him again.

He did not want to get divorced.

He looks at it now and doesn't know what went wrong. He thinks they grew apart or had bad communication. In his eyes he made every effort.

When i leave him, he will be just as mystified.

It is honestly that he doesn't see it. i don't understand why but it's not fake, he really doesn't.

She would never get back together with him. Not in a gazillion years
maybe, but instead of burning the bridge to his old life he is carefully tending it, placating her friends and relatives and making sure that in their minds you dont exist

OP I've read the whole thread and what I would say to you is that a word you used jumped out at me: that you felt infantilised. Although he sounds like he could potentially be abusive in a way, I would say that before you take any action like leaving him, you try and do some things to make yourself feel better and see how he reacts.

I would join a few clubs and make some friends of my own (check Meetup). I would also get a job, even if it's only at Tesco's or the pub. Volunteer. Be proactive, go to things by yourself and start your own things too (post on Gumtree). He should be bringing you out and about and helping you meet people, but it would be healthy if you started to try and create your own network of support independently from him. Not as a 'tactic', that's just what most couples I know do. They have shared friends and interests, but they also have their own groups.

It will be hard but I think you should make that your priority. I think its possible you may have slipped into this situation where he kind of overly babies you and you need to start doing things for yourself again. That will allow you to check his reactions and it will also allow you to consider this relationship from a position of strength instead of as a victim.

I don't want to invest any effot into building a life in this place though. I just want to go home. That might just be me being petulatant but no wedding, no baby, no financial security, no social life as a couple, no dates out....what that fuck am I even doing here?

It's not you being petulant.

i think it sounds like youre a bit suffocated really. You need to find your own life where you live now. Being treasured and put on a pedestal is cute, but its hardly a fulfilling life, and doesnt really allow you to be flawed or human

OP I think you're right. Move back to where your friends and family are. Get a job - you had a high-powered one and can do it again.

He sounds selfish and manipulative but I think you have been very generous in your insights about why he is so blind to how inadequate a partner he is. Equally though as you say he won't change so it's up to you to change things for you.

I think you're right that he got involved with you before he got over the separation. It's like you're only half a partner and all the actual practical investment is in his first family, however indifferent his ex is to his efforts. I don't think that will change. If it's not enough for you (and it doesn't sound great to me) then you'll need to get out and get sorted.

Good luck. You sound like you've had a hard road but are doing everything you can to make the best possible life for you and your DS. Don't beat yourself up about the fact that this man let you down; I don' blame you for being taken in but you don't need to be stuck there.

I think before I invest anything, do anything, I want to give him this ultimatum and see what he does. I know for a fact he won't be able to do it so there's my answer.

The last time i got genuinely tough on him was about 2.5 years ago. He was basically quite considerably putting me and my son out to appease his ex wife to the point of it being unnaceptable and making me feel like a guest in my own home and disruptive to my son.

I put my foot down, and he basically said if he had to choose between angering her and me he just could not "risk it" and said it was because his son came first.

I was going to leave and he almost let me go. That said, he also had a total mini breakdown and could not go to work or stop crying or being sick.

In the end that situatioj got sorted out by our families who stepped in and sorted him out. Actually a friend of his talked to the ex wife on his behalf and she stopped doing it.

A situation could have been simply resolved by him being firm with her -yet he would rather me left than face that.

He's made it clear where I stand.

So he sees himself as the perfect husbands and father . And most importantly , he needs everyone else to see how great he is .

When his wife had an affair and then divorced him, his public image was destroyed. No wonder he was desperate to save it .

But if he keeps on being really nice to his ex and her family , and making a big show of it , people will know that his ex was wrong to divorce such a great guy. He has his child every weekend instead of EOW and when he has him, he is Superdad . He does Events and Days Out with capital letters so his son can tell everyone how great his dad is .

But then he meets you - a successful single parent with a good career. You could live together in your city . Oh no. That won't do . How will anyone see how great he is , if he lives miles away ?

And how can he be the rescuer on the white charger , unless you are a victim . So now you are the unemployed single mum with the SN kid and the car crash of an ex. Perfect . And now you are getting ill - even better .

So he creates the fiction that he is caring for you . When in fact, you are doing most of the parenting of your own son and a lot of the parenting of his child , plus all the housework and domestic duties . You have made so many sacrifices for his child ans for him and his image - he has made none . But he's Superdad , you are not Super Stepmum. You are in fact invisible to the naked eye .

His niceness is all in public, while is selfishness is private . He is kind in tiny things that cost him nothing, but thoughtless and selfish in bigger things that would inconvenience him .

You say that if you were having a bad day, he would leave work to come home to you . So would he lose pay? Have to work that evening to catch up ? Have to take a days leave ? Or is his job flexible enough to allow go to do this without any hassle ?

When you get to choose dinner - do you ever choose something he doesn't like ? And does he make what you choose ?

Or he could stay in one night a week so you could go out ? Oh no, that's not possible .

He lives in a village where he knows everyone, but he can't find a babysitter for one night so you can go out together . What, not once in three years ??

If you leave him. I believe that he will be utterly devastated. Not because he loves you, because he needs you . You are the supporting actor in his show . If you leave him, everyone will suspect that it was in fact HIS FAULT that both relationships ended . Disaster .

That's what it looks like from here . Of course I could be talking a lot of bollox and if so I apologise

So he sees himself as the perfect husbands and father . And most importantly , he needs everyone else to see how great he is

When his wife had an affair and then divorced him, his public image was destroyed. No wonder he was desperate to save it

But if he keeps on being really nice to his ex and her family , and making a big show of it , people will know that his ex was wrong to divorce such a great guy. He has his child every weekend instead of EOW and when he has him, he is Superdad . He does Events and Days Out with capital letters so his son can tell everyone how great his dad is

I know him better than anyone on earth, and psychologically YES, this is 100% exactly wat this is all about. Not just to prove it to everyone else, but also for himself.

I think it broke his self esteem and self image and every problem in our lives is a result of him not being able to let go.

I think you have it a little wrong though in some parts.

I think he loves me to a degree. He likes me a lot, likes being with me, has great sex, has affection and someone to cuddle and kiss and be with and give him love and attention and he was starved of that for a very long time and hungry for it.

I am also a great "catch" in his eyes as his parents, family and friends knew me and loved me before he even met me.

I think the more I need him the better he feels. He likes doing everything for me...paying bills...driving me places. His ex wife was very independent and did all the finances and I think he prefers feeling like he has me.

You're right. anyone on the outside would think he was a saint...taking on me and my son. He has created an illusion and it's not quite what goes on.

He's got problems!!!

Jackie, I have just read the whole thread and really feel for you. You sound lovely and really intelligent and write very well. You have obviously because of previous experiences lacked the confidence/knowhow to deal with a man like this and you have been spectacularly taken advantage of. Like everyone else I agree that everything you are asking for is entirely reasonable. This man sounds manipulative in the extreme. It sounds like you are coming to the conclusion to leave. I don't think he will change despite whatever you write or say to him. But find your anger and lay it on the line with him if you want one last try. It will be hard in the short term but I am sure that you will in time get a new place, a job and feel your old self again. Good luck with the first step.

I think he does love you, in his own weird suffocating way, but his desperate need to protect his self-image is more important that you, your happiness, and his relationship with you.

If you're going to offer him an ultimatum I think I would insist that:

1. He accepts he has issues with being a people pleaser and terrified of appearing flawed, being able to deal with disagreement/conflict without breaking down, and communicating effectively. He agrees to go to counselling and work to address these issues.
2. He accepts that his relationship with his ex is over and cuts the necessary ties: mortgage, relationship with her family, and either giving up mutual friends or INCLUDING YOU when he socialises with them. I think this will be the hardest condition for him, but until he does it, he can never be fully committed to his relationship with you. He may refuse outright, or need counselling to help him few ready to do it - but if he considers it I think you should give him a deadline (and a short one! Max 3 months!)

I think that if these two conditions are met, it will probably fix the other problems. But as you said, you know him best, and your instinct is that he won't change. So you may well have to give him your ultimatum but be ready to leave if/when he refuses.

A few typos in the above, but hopefully it makes sense anyway!

If all his friends know and love you, why does he keep you locked up at home like Mrs Rochester ?

I'm sure you are a great catch BTW

Someone I know took on a man like this and all his friends and family we're delighted . Because they could stop worrying about him having a nervous breakdown / crying all over the place about his ex and how badly she had treated him , they were so relieved to pass on the responsibility to someone else. But it meant that there was a huge social pressure on her to make it work .

You've had some brilliant advice on this thread but I don't think you're ready to accept it yet.

Your DP will only offer you love and support on the aspects of your life that he deems fit for consideration - anything else he dismisses with a hug or a present or some easily said words to quiet you down. He is blatantly trying to keep the door open on his side with regard to his former life so that should the exW suddenly click her fingers and want him back you know he would be gone in a heartbeat. He will never do anything with you that in his mind might firmly shut the door to a reconciliation with her e.g marriage, babies, mortgage with you.

Hopefully once you've processed what's happening you'll find the strength to leave him and find someone who truly treats you as an equal partner.