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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I just agree to let him treat me poorly?

82 replies

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:01

Long time lurker here, I've spent today searching for a thread that relates to me but have given up.
Backstory - dp and I broke up three months ago, we were still very much in love but we agreed to go our separate ways, there was too much happening elsewhere in our lives to be able to give each other time, family illness, career problems etc.
Now - we have been trying again for the past two months, by that I mean texting, meeting up every so often (once a week) however, I don't think I trust him anymore (for a number of reasons) . Once a week for the past three weeks he hasn't replied to my texts and I've freaked out, telling him I'm walking away. I've become the jealous ex, I don't even know who I am. Once I tell him off I immediately regret it and apologise and we carry on, till the next time. I've done it again tonight, this time he said (quite rightly) you want to carry on but it'll happen again. I agreed and said I'd work on it and if I felt unsure id text him and he could tell me exactly what's happening.
Thing is, I can't get away from the feeling that I've just agreed to me accepting if I believe he's ignoring me, I'm sure the asking him if I'm unsure may grow old pretty quickly. Or have I just managed to create a good method for us to work on this relationship and to rebuild the trust?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:09

Adding - I always end up apologising even though he gives me mixed signals and goes from hot to cold in the blink of an eye. This is why I'm concerned.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 14/12/2015 20:10

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:26

Before this a year and a half

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 14/12/2015 20:30

Once a week for the past three weeks he hasn't replied to my texts

How long a period are we talking about here, and what sort of texts are we talking about?

If you're texting him to confirm details of seeing each other, or meeting somewhere, and then he ignores you until the next day, that's shit and I wouldn't put up with it.

If you're talking about sending him one or two messages that say "Hi how's your day" and he doesn't reply til the next day, I don't think that's unreasonable.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:32

These are texts to make plans, I don't expect an immediate reply to other texts. He will ignore me (I know because he'll post on Facebook) for up to two days till I text him, the longest this went on most recently was a week.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 20:32

Relationships aren't meant to be this much hard work

Threefishys · 14/12/2015 20:33

I'm with pocket . And would add texts are for making/confirming arrangements and an occasional (NOTE: OCCASIONAL) "thinking of you" etc.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:34

I want to agree AF, but sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't all relationships are different.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/12/2015 20:35

The ones that are hard work are doomed.

This one sounds like one of those.

Threefishys · 14/12/2015 20:36

Also OP if you agreed to go your separate ways - why go back together only for you to keep finishing it or questioning it at the very least? I personally think you've got no hope of recouping the trust because your waiting for it to fail and can't relax.

LionHeartedWoman · 14/12/2015 20:53

Must you be with him? Is he the only man on the horizon with whom you can be happy? Although, truth be told, it doesn't seem a happy situation?

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 20:53

I'm really not sure that they are meant to be this hard work. Are children involved?

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 20:55

So the problem is that sometimes he ignores your texts and it leaves you feeling insecure but now you've got a solution that if he ignores your text you're going to text him and then he'll reply??

NannyOggsHedgehogs · 14/12/2015 21:03

He deliberately makes you feel insecure

You act insecurely

He makes out it's your fault for being needy

I'm with AnyFucker, too many games and too much hard work - on your part. He's just happily getting his end away isn't he?

pocketsaviour · 14/12/2015 21:05

If he's ignoring "important" texts that are causing you delays and hassle, then that's bloody rude and I wouldn't want to be with someone whose only solution was "Well text me again and maybe I'll reply this time."

The circumstances which caused you to split three months ago - what was resolved in the month during which you didn't see each other?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 14/12/2015 21:11

3 months ago I think you misread the situation.

Needtobebetter · 14/12/2015 21:18

Relationships really shouldn't be this much hard work, they shouldn't cause you this much anguish. I didn't believe anyone who told me this but looking back I wish I'd listened. He's keeping you keen so that he has the control, he could easily reply but he chooses not to as whilst you're needy and insecure you'll always be there.

He's controlling you and then making out its a fault with you. What would happen if you didn't text him? What would happen if you left him to make the plans? I'm sorry you're having a hard time, no one should be made to feel bad by someone else and if they do then they really aren't the right person.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 21:19

I've been thinking over these responses AF I think you are right. I can't give up yet though. I still have hope.
It does sound like an odd situation but the idea is I would text him mad say I'm feeling unsure and hopefully
he'll tell me if I have reason to be.
I'm not sure what you mean dont how did I misread it?

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 21:37

Cherry you must pay attention to a person's actions and not be distracted by their words.

Smorgasboard · 14/12/2015 22:09

How far was the split mutual? More his idea but you went along with it? Start by making yourself less available to him, let him contact you first, keeping yourself busy with friends and interests, don't wait around for his text. In fact, train yourself to not expect a text from him, you will either find out it was only your communication that was holding it together by a thread, or he could actually develop some respect for your new independence and take more interest.
People don't keep interest for others who hang waiting on their every word, you do realise you have effectively told him that is what you do. I advise you to get a life, with or without him.

Aussiemum78 · 15/12/2015 06:09

After 18 months, I'd want more of a relationship than a few texts and an occasional shag.

Let him go. Anyone who wants you, will make time for you. He's putting in zero effort and expecting you to be there....and I suppose he thinks you are still "exclusive"?

Ledkr · 15/12/2015 06:34

He's just getting off on your angst.
Show him you aren't a pushover.
If he loved you properly he wouldn't want to cause you unecessary upset, he really wouldnt.
Try ignoring him back, no texts no calls just get on with your life and I bet he will crack first.
That said, who can Be arsed with game playing?
This really shouldn't be hard work and you know it.

bittapitta · 15/12/2015 06:41

To paraphrase a movie, he's just not that into you.

donajimena · 15/12/2015 06:51

Yes you have (to answer your original question) do you realise that he is keeping his options open? How will you feel if he meets someone else and knocks it on the head completely?
Its death by a thousand cuts what you are doing
Can you find some strength, say 'no more' and stick to it?

DustyMaiden · 15/12/2015 08:02

He wants to manipulate you into feeling insecure, he would like you to confirm when he has been successful.

Run

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