Did I just agree to let him treat me poorly?

[Cherrycrystal]

Long time lurker here, I've spent today searching for a thread that relates to me but have given up.
Backstory - dp and I broke up three months ago, we were still very much in love but we agreed to go our separate ways, there was too much happening elsewhere in our lives to be able to give each other time, family illness, career problems etc.
Now - we have been trying again for the past two months, by that I mean texting, meeting up every so often (once a week) however, I don't think I trust him anymore (for a number of reasons) . Once a week for the past three weeks he hasn't replied to my texts and I've freaked out, telling him I'm walking away. I've become the jealous ex, I don't even know who I am. Once I tell him off I immediately regret it and apologise and we carry on, till the next time. I've done it again tonight, this time he said (quite rightly) you want to carry on but it'll happen again. I agreed and said I'd work on it and if I felt unsure id text him and he could tell me exactly what's happening.
Thing is, I can't get away from the feeling that I've just agreed to me accepting if I believe he's ignoring me, I'm sure the asking him if I'm unsure may grow old pretty quickly. Or have I just managed to create a good method for us to work on this relationship and to rebuild the trust?

I'm scared he'll come back, I'm scared I'll cave, I've already written up a text to reply if need be.
Today I had a five minute moment of hope that I will meet someone better. That was nice, gone now, but nice.
I will get through this, I keep telling myself that. So disappointed in myself for letting it get to this.

You already know someone better - yourself. You just need to find her again

You've done the right thing. You really need to block his number so he can't contact you again. That is...if you're serious about ending it!

Thank you both
Your replies have come at the perfect time. I'm wavering but I keep reminding myself I deserve better and if he wanted me he'd have taken me by now.
I still can't build up the courage or common sense I guess to block him but I'm hoping that will come with time.

Hi OP,

I had exactly same situation in my life more than a year ago.
The same way, I was waiting for his texts, his attention and his nice behaviour towards me. That time I didnt know about MN. I allowed him to treat me the way he wanted, just because I was so much attached to him... He is a control freak and he tried to control my feeling by withholding nice and caring behaviour and affection... He literally killed every spark I had towards him. Because he was playing his games I was unaware of... And yes, I was a back-up plan... He was so sure in himself that I will do everything he would ask for because from the beginning I openly stated I would like a family and kids and settle down. I openly told him I dont want to waste my time anymore and you are the "one".
Well he made me regret every word I said, every hope I made and had about him. Just because someone wanted to be in control of the situation.

What I had to do is to walk away and live my life as happily as I could. Instead of that I chose to stay and be around, run after him and literally beg him. I don't hate myself for the actions I took, I feel awful allowing someone to walk all over me. I will I've known MN website those days.

The best you can do here is what you have chosen to do. Ignore and move on. He is choosing himself to treat you the way he does.
You are worth way more than that.

As PP said love yourself first, be your best friend and care for yourself as no one else does. And by time you will meet someone who deserves you.

I find it helpful to remember that there's a lot of biology at play. I don't know how accepted any of this science is, but I have read a bit about how hormones (oxytocin etc) are released that drive certain behaviours. So, although I may be dwelling, yearning, obsessing in order to procreate my brain can rise above the base biology and make decisions that are far more sensible in keeping me emotionally safe.

So, I think you should do a bit of reading around that, see if it's helpful to and in the meantime ride out the storm.

Thank you inexperienced, yes he does exactly the same things. I'm not his first choice either. He also liked to tell me all about his "crazy" ex who was always texting him, now I realise she was in the same situation I am now.
I do need to love myself and part of that is leaving him behind, I'm feeling strong again this morning and I hope I'll stay strong in my resolve. He doesn't want me, he wants control like you said.
Red I've read about oxytocin but I'm not sure if it's at play in my situation as we didn't have sex, although I suppose it can come from kissing and we did kiss a lot.
In time he'll be a distant memory and I'll have learnt from this, for now, it hurts that someone I love could treat me this way. He doesn't deserve my love.

You are doing really well OP , I think this man has really destroyed your self esteem and you need to build it up again. When you feel your resolve weakening remember this... No loving partner wants their other half to be insecure, unhappy or upset in anyway. In fact a partner who loves you will do everything in their power to prevent those things as they hold your happiness in the highest regard. Is this the way the man you have been seeing behaves towards you ? Is a simple yes or no. If the answer is no then he is simply not worth your time and effort. You really are worth more. When you meet that person you will know the difference and wonder why you gave this game player the time of day !

Well done OP, this is the kindest thing you could do for yourself, even though it hurts. I think you need to start putting yourself first more, look after yourself. What has this relationship actually given you? When you picture your perfect relationship, is this really it? I think most people want companionship, respect, love, consideration, plus a bit of humour and excitement. What he's giving you is just torture, it's not making you happy or excited.

For some reason, you may believe that you are not worthy of those things, that you need to adapt yourself to please and keep a man because your true self is not good enough? Sorry, but that's bullshit. You sound like a kind and sweet person, who would not be acting in this slightly desperate way if this dickhead wasn't enjoying having some power over you. You need to have more faith in yourself, know that you deserve better and don't settle for anything less. This manchild isn't worthy of you, so stop fanning his ego and focus on what an amazing person you are and how much you have to bring to a relationship with a man who is worthy of you.

You're both right, I deserve much more than he's given me and yes he has affected my self esteem. I never imagined I would be the girl chasing a man who clearly doesn't want me. I picture a man who actively chases me and doesn't stop appreciating me (I'd like to be the same) he is not that man. A man who actually wants me would treat me so much better than he has.
I had a moment today where I decided if he text me to meet up I'd say yes as long as he was serious about it this time. I'm more clear in my thinking now and know that he may behave at first but he wouldn't keep up the good behaviour, so I have to walk away no matter what. I don't deserve how he's treated me.

I'm sorry to keep posting on here. However I'm feeling so confused right now.
My ex has an unusual car, there are maybe three of them in my area, there isn't one near my house. Today as I arrived home about an hour ago, I saw a car like his driving up my road.
I don't know what to think, it's possible it wasn't his, but it's possible it was. Would he drive past my house on purpose? Should I just try to forget I saw it?
I'm at a loss here and am definitely giving him too much head space. It's thrown me.

Firstly, don't apologise.

Secondly, where is he supposed to be? I think I'd just put it in my mind that it was someone else and be kind to myself in the meantime.

I don't know where he's supposed to be, I'd like to think he's at home, in reality who knows.
I'll try to persuade myself if was someone else even though it's unlikely. Or distract myself rather than obsess about this.

I've just reread my reply and it sounded far more blunt than I remembered writing it. I meant it to have the tone that this is your thread and you shouldn't feel you have to apologise for posting on it

How are you this morning? What plans do you have for the day?

I found it helpful to believe that all of the time I spent thinking about my ex was time that could have been spent thinking about something else, such as planning nice things for my friends and family or improving my health or learning something new etc.

It didn't sound blunt at all, it was exactly what I needed

Today I'll be working, in throwing myself into it to distract me. It's not working but hopefully one day it will.

I would have thought this would get easier with time but it just seems to get harder because now I find myself hoping he doesn't think I'm abandoning him.

How long did it take you to get over your ex?

I think it's normal that part of you will hope he calls, will hope that he'll realise you're cutting him out and that will give him a wake up call, and all these other scenarios that end up in everything working out. You have to keep hold of reality though, as painful as it may be, that this guy has shown you who he is. He may well suddenly make an effort when he realises you aren't playing his game anymore, he'll want to get you back under control, but you are free to make a choice - fall back in line, or realise you've wasted enough time on him.

You know you deserve better than this, you know this is not the relationship you want and that he's not going to ever give you what you want. Be the one to walk away, leave him wondering where he went wrong, let him feel bad because he bloody well should! You are not just a cheerleader for his ego, so don't demote yourself to one.

Stay strong OP, you CAN do this!

By the way OP, if that was his car, it's rather worrying, it would imply he's checking up on you which would be rather creepy . Assume for now it wasn't him, unless you know if he has stalkerish tendencies?!

How long did it take you to get over your ex?

With one ex (3 year relationship) I didn't do a thing to help myself other than berate myself up for still thinking about him. I thought about him every day for about 3 years.

With the next serious long term relationship (13 years) I think it took me about 4 months to get to the stage where I could go a day without thinking about him at all, let alone having self-destructive thoughts. It's still early days for me, but I'm handling things a lot better this time around.

Wish - you're right I am strong enough to do this, he doesn't have stalker tendencies so all should be well on that front. Tonight I've been wondering what his reaction would be to my, we both know you don't want me so don't bother texting again reply should he reach out. Again there's the hope, but I'll have to stay strong on that front as well, I know I'm strong enough to say it, I just hope I'm strong enough to stand by it. Although I've still heard nothing yet.
Red - thanks for sharing that, I hope I get to the point where I can go a day without thinking of him, just a day would be nice! I'm glad you're handling things a lot better this time. Personally I didn't realise how much power I've given him until I started this. I hope to handle it well.

Heck. Don't say " we both know you don't want me" that sounds so needy and giving him power. Don't reply at all. Good luck.

Agree that this sounds like too much hard work. The right thing is to walk away.

Sorry if the following sounds harsh, I hope it helps you keep being NC though.

It sounds like he realised he was still in the sex zone and was keeping you on a bit of a string/bit insecure so he still had that on tap and you wouldn't move on. If his ex went a bit crazy, sounds to me like either she was trying to get rid of him hanging round (I used to go a bit crazy chick to get guys to back off) or he enjoys the power of windign women up to get attention (or both).

Plus this "we were still very much in love but we agreed to go our separate ways, there was too much happening elsewhere in our lives to be able to give each other time" just doesn't ring true. When you are very much in love, the difficult things in life like career, family etc get easier. Firstly because the emotional lift love gives you helps, and secondly because people in love tend to be very good and very creative about finding ways to help one another, and have the emotional energy to actually do it. So something was wrong then, and this is just a further manifestation of it.

Im so tempted to text him right now and ask him what he was thinking, I've moved into anger and I'm so angry. I don't understand how anyone thinks they can treat another person this way. Who does he think he is? I'm so much better than him and than this if he did text now I would probably tell him to F off. I don't need someone so manipulative in my life.
Pitpat - it doesn't sound harsh, it sounds honest and that is what I need right now.
Allof - you're right ignoring him is probably the best option here.

Do not text him! It will let him know that you're thinking about him (when he's not even thinking about you) and it will give him every excuse to think of you as some crazy person.

Red you're so right, I'm just so angry, I've made myself a cup of tea and am eating cake hoping it'll distract me without work to pour myself into today it's given me time to think and the result is rage!