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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I just agree to let him treat me poorly?

82 replies

Cherrycrystal · 14/12/2015 20:01

Long time lurker here, I've spent today searching for a thread that relates to me but have given up.
Backstory - dp and I broke up three months ago, we were still very much in love but we agreed to go our separate ways, there was too much happening elsewhere in our lives to be able to give each other time, family illness, career problems etc.
Now - we have been trying again for the past two months, by that I mean texting, meeting up every so often (once a week) however, I don't think I trust him anymore (for a number of reasons) . Once a week for the past three weeks he hasn't replied to my texts and I've freaked out, telling him I'm walking away. I've become the jealous ex, I don't even know who I am. Once I tell him off I immediately regret it and apologise and we carry on, till the next time. I've done it again tonight, this time he said (quite rightly) you want to carry on but it'll happen again. I agreed and said I'd work on it and if I felt unsure id text him and he could tell me exactly what's happening.
Thing is, I can't get away from the feeling that I've just agreed to me accepting if I believe he's ignoring me, I'm sure the asking him if I'm unsure may grow old pretty quickly. Or have I just managed to create a good method for us to work on this relationship and to rebuild the trust?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 08:14

No trust - no relationship.

Relationships are not supposed to be such hard work.

Love your own self for a change Cherry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2015 08:16

Would suggest you read a lot more about "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships. That is basically causing you also to make poor relationship decisions.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 15/12/2015 10:01

I can't see any actual relationship here.

You broke up 3 months ago and then 4 weeks later started 'trying' again.

Was there a discussion about 'trying' again and what that would actually entail, and about where it all went wrong in the first place?

Or did you just fall back into contacting and meeting up with each other?

I think he's doing the bare minimum (texting) to keep you on the back burner for a shag once a week/whenever he fancies one.

All I can see here is a fuck-buddy type set up. Sorry.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 15/12/2015 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 10:14

I don't think I trust him anymore

No trust = no relationship.

Once a week for the past three weeks he hasn't replied to my texts and I've freaked out, telling him I'm walking away.

Ask yourself why you make empty threats, that you aren't prepared to follow up.

I still have hope.

Of what? That you will "win" the attention and love of a disinterested man, thus confirming that you are a lovable human being after all?

As others have said, love yourself first. Don't beg another person to do it for you.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/12/2015 10:24

I'm sorry OP but PPs are right, he's keeping you on the back burner si he can come over for a shag when he doesn't have a better offer.

He knows how you feel about him, and that you will let him treat you like crap if it means he pays you some attention.

OP you are worth soooo much more than this! Walk away, block him and find someone who really loves you and thinks you are worth it

I've been there, only I did what you have been doing for a few months for over a year, and just made myself more and more paranoid and insecure as time went on.I too used to think that in time he'd change, that he really did love me but he was just scared etc but he didn't, he loved using me.

It skewed my view on relationships and how they should be, and it was only when I met DP that I realised just how fucked up that relationship was.

Don't get me wrong, DP isn't perfect, neither am I and we have our disagreements etc, but I am loved, and I feel loved, and it's beautiful You can have this too, you just have to believe you are worth more.

LaurieLemons · 15/12/2015 11:31

I don't buy this 'you had too much going on'. That's what pp is talking about saying you misread the situation. If you care about someone then you have time for them no matter what. Ask him straight because it's not fair for him to keep doing this to you. Relationships can be hard work, but whether you want to be with someone or not, that's pretty black and white.

squishee · 15/12/2015 13:01

...say I'm feeling unsure and hopefully he'll tell me if I have reason to be.

I think you are really wasting your time hanging on his every word and whim. You deserve better than that. So go and get it! Onwards and upwards.

Hillfarmer · 15/12/2015 13:14

Yes - in answer to your question.

And you are desperately paddling to try to find a logical explanation for his behaviour that doesn't include him being indifferent to you.

Being 'indifferent' to someone you are supposed to be in a relationship with, is not fine. He is showing you that he really can't be bothered. The fact that he doesn't end the relationship himself is cowardly. This is him passively-aggressively chucking you. And it is very cruel. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to analyse him, or giving him one more chance etc. Why do you have hope? He isn't even bothered enough to answer your texts, surely you deserve better than that?

'We are still very much in love'. I'm sorry to be harsh, but OP, he definitely ain't. He can say it all he likes, but his behaviour points somewhere completely different.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 16/12/2015 15:27

I appreciate all of your responses, I've been involved in a project in work so haven't had time to come back on here. We aren't having sex, we have both made the decision to wait till marriage, so I know it's not
about that. I apologise if that's drip feeding I didn't believe it was relevant.
I think maybe you are all right and I do deserve better but I can't ignore the hope even despite what PP said and I find it so hard to walk away from someone I love (who doesn't). Ultimately I think when we see each other next we will need to have a long tough discussion regarding our relationship, or non relationship in this case.
Thank you all.

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 16/12/2015 15:51

The only thing I would say is that your solution makes no sense. You have already told him ignoring your texts re plans to meet makes you unhappy, the solution you seem to have agreed is that he will continue to ignore them and you can then message him again to reiterate everytime that it has made you feel unhappy. Why??
We a know why ignoring your texts would make you unhappy, because we all know that on occasion we put off or forget to reply to messages re making plans to meet up, and we know why.
You don't ignore those texts from the people you care about and/or want to see.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 16/12/2015 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suddenlyseymour · 16/12/2015 20:10

In the kindest way, you are kind of coming across as very needy and pathetic- despite him clearly keeping you as a "back up", you are saying "i still have hope"....of what? He isn't going to have a lightbulb moment and go "my god, i see it now, i really want to be with cherry, i've behaved so badly, i'll be different from now on" it is not going to happen, and you pining away is just not attractive, or in any way dignified. Please take a hold of your self respect and stop waiting around for him to dictate when, where, how etc.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 16/12/2015 20:28

Thank you suddenly that's what I'm concerned about, being needy. Also raptor you're totally right.
If there's one thing I've realised through this thread it's that I need to walk away. I'm better than this and he will have to live with his choices, I couldn't get him to talk to me tonight (although he has been replying to texts) but with or without a discussion I think the time has come to walk away.
All input has been gratefully received.

OP posts:

hownottofuckup · 17/12/2015 14:42

He wouldn't even talk to you last night? Honestly, that says it all.

I'd be really tempted to just ghost him tbh, he doesn't deserve or require any sort of explanation from the sounds of it.

hownottofuckup · 17/12/2015 14:44

And for what it's worth I don't think you are needy. He's treating you with an utter lack or care or respect and your subsequent feelings are perfectly needy.
Obviously it would be needy and silly to stay in this 'relationship' though.

hownottofuckup · 17/12/2015 14:45

*normal! Your subsequent feelings are perfectly normal! Sorry

ricketytickety · 17/12/2015 14:59

Yes. The situation makes you needy an turns you into that stressed person asking for reassurance. I'd hate to make someone feel like that - wouldn't you? Then why let him make you feel this way? Either you're in a relationship or you're not. Step away from him and get your freedom back. He can't bagsy you for later. You are a person, not a thing.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/12/2015 15:29

I've been in a very similar situation to you - despite normally being very confident and self assured I became extremely needy in a relationship - constantly bugging my boyfriend with texts, getting worried when he didn't reply, trying to hold off on sending a second text but CONSTANTLY checking my phone to see whether he'd replied yet. It was horrid.

In the end I realised that no matter how sad I'd feel splitting up with him, it was nothing compared to how sad, and small, and insignificant I felt every time I saw he'd read my message and not replied. So I ended it and deleted his number and stayed out of contact with him and cried my heart out for weeks if not months about it.

A few things happened - he was suddenly desperate for my attention, he'd enjoyed dangling me on a string and it wasn't supposed to be the other way around. I discovered that when he had better things to do so he couldn't text back, that included seeing other women. I finally refound my self esteem and started dating someone who didn't make me feel like shit to make himself feel wanted.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 17/12/2015 19:11

I've decided I'm going no contact, I don't want to feel like I'm in the wrong if I explain to him I'm done. He hasn't had the courtesy to speak to me about this so why should I? I'm setting myself a limit of 1 month, just to break the chains and I am sure by that point I will be more aware of how badly he's treated me. It's time for me to find someone worthy of my love - although I don't think that'll happen any time soon I need to get over this man first.

OP posts:

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/12/2015 19:41

Fantastic - well done OP. Make it easy for yourself and delete all of his contact details and any messages from him so you can't change your mind at a low point.

It will be tough to start with, but give it time and you will be so much happier without the constant low level rejection

RedMapleLeaf · 18/12/2015 08:34

Well done OP. This is the hardest part.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 18/12/2015 18:13

Thank you
Today has been hard, I just want to talk to him but I have to remember if he wanted to talk to me he would.
I hope it's ok for me to update here but hopefully saying it out loud will stop me actually doing it.
I can't bring myself to delete his number just yet.

OP posts:

CherryPicking · 18/12/2015 18:50

OP, would you ever treat a partner the way he's treating you? Didn't think so. That's because you're not comfortable with making other people anxious - you're s decent human being and you deserve someone like you, not this callous areshole.

Original poster

Cherrycrystal · 18/12/2015 19:16

Thank you
Yes you're right I would never do this to someone and it's not ok that he does this to me

OP posts:

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