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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex's partner is expecting twins

119 replies

Elendon · 13/12/2015 21:05

He's going to be 52 and she is will be 44 when they have them. Her first children, his 4th and 5th. His eldest child will be 24 on the birth, the youngest 14 going on 15. He became abusive towards me when I was expecting my first, it was emotional abuse, then he had an affair after the second birth. They are a wealthy couple and have by way of a salve to the children we share, have bought (well she has) a big house to accommodate them all. The children have no intentions of going - though I don't care if they do. What is he thinking? His youngest child is autistic.

I just feel so sorry for her. I thought they were the perfect couple. Could forgive the upheaval to the family when they fell for each other. He promised no more children in fact he had a vasectomy at 38. But although I think this is the beginning of the end of their relationship, my children have said to me to please never take him back. They are not happy. (I'm just laughing!).

What do I say to my children?

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 14/12/2015 07:56

You're right, thenlater.

A dick move for sure.

I suppose I'm surprised because one of these kids is 24!!! I'd expect him to say it to young children but not a grown adult IYSWIM.

Funinthesun15 · 14/12/2015 09:13

The old expression is after all "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy"

Very true.

OP seems to forget that they were the OW or perhaps they are realising the hurt that their affair had on his previous partner.

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 11:05

I think last night the OP was in shock, and perhaps a bit drunk.

AliceInUnderpants · 14/12/2015 11:10

I hope you are feeling better today OP and comes to terms with the direction his life is taking.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 14/12/2015 11:13

It really doesn't matter if it works out for them or not. It won't affect you. I doubt it will affect your 14yo much. I'm sure your kids will get the stability they need from you and if they think their dad is a daft old man then they will.

You need to look forward and concentrate on yourself.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 14/12/2015 12:01

How do I resolve this?

Resolve WHAT?

This is a really weird thread.

shoeaddict83 · 14/12/2015 12:08

Sorry but if my partners EXW was behaving like this if i was pregnant id find it very very strange.
i understand it must be hard when an ex moves on (although OP was also an OW so hardly a leg to stand on!) as i found it hard to accept when my ex-fiancee did, but what he went on to do with his life was f-all to do with me!!
And your ex getting re-married and having kids is nothing to do with you! if you had met someone else and done the same would you happily accept your EXH's input and opinions on it??? Add to it your kids sound like adults (except the 14Yo) i really dont understand the purpose of this thread, surely they are old enough to talk to their dad themselves and understand people move on?

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 14/12/2015 13:22

I think it's terrible that he moved 250 miles away from his children! And now he's making a new family. No wonder the children are upset. It's like they've been dumped. Why do men do this? Bizarre.

I kind of know why you might laugh at him having twins. I doubt that he would have wanted more babies (hence the vasectomy), but he's had to do it as his new Partner's clock was ticking. And now, he's going to up to his eyes with nappies/baby sick/sleepless nights, when he should have been enjoying an early retirement, freedom from responsibility and maybe travel etc. He's going to be 70 before he gets any freedom! And on their first day at Primary School, he'll be 58! Blimey, the thought of doing that all again at his age, make me feel like an instant Husk. That might elicit a wry smile from me, in your shoes.

You have to concentrate on your children, making a happy home for them, nice holidays with them (if you can afford) Don't run him down to your kids. Just rise above it. And work on being a fabulous you. And hey, time to start dating me thinks.

Funinthesun15 · 14/12/2015 15:18

And hey, time to start dating me thinks.

And maybe don't be the OW again

Sameshitdiffname · 14/12/2015 15:26

Haven't RTFT can't really be arsed but I suspect it's you that's unhappy rather than your children.

I don't personally think it's your business but that's my personal opinion.

Mermaidhair1 · 14/12/2015 19:06

Op, I don't have much advice to give as I have never experienced anything similar.
You and your dc are obviously unsure about the situation.
Would you consider counselling to work through the issues?
I can understand some of the hurt, but it mustn't feel nice.
I would seriously consider having someone you can all talk to.

Original poster

Elendon · 14/12/2015 20:42

i'm not unsure about this situation. He is an abusive man.

He told me he loved having sex with a woman who had a cervix after he confessed to his affair. I'd recently had a hysterectomy. She was my intellectual superior as well.

I shared a house with him 25 years ago, and he was cheating on his girlfriend constantly. She was okay with this and wouldn't say a thing against him. They weren't married, just moving in with each other. I'm not proud. Why did I do that? Why did I have children with this man?

Now he's here next weekend picking up his stuff, after five years. I knew this would happen. I've asked him constantly to pick up his stuff. I so dislike this man. Can't wait to get my own place.

OP posts:

OneMoreCasualty · 14/12/2015 20:54

OP is venting on here, not talking to her kids or her ex. That's fair.

And she was with her ex for 25 years plus so giving her no sympathy because her ex cheated on his GF with her is a bit crap too.

OP, glad he's collecting his stuff and that some of your kids have a level of independence in their relationship with him so minimising the times you see the abusive idiot.

Take care if yourself.

Shutthatdoor · 14/12/2015 21:01

And she was with her ex for 25 years plus so giving her no sympathy because her ex cheated on his GF with her is a bit crap too.

The OP says 20 years and no matter how long she still was the OW.

It doesn't mean people aren't sympathetic but it will factor in the way people react. OP can't really have a go at the OW as she was that OW.

Original poster

Elendon · 14/12/2015 21:04

I'm not having a 'go' at her. Why would I do that?

OP posts:

Original poster

Elendon · 14/12/2015 21:05

20 year marriage when he left me.

OP posts:

IonaNE · 14/12/2015 21:15

Elendon, your posts are very confusing.
In any case there is nothing for you to "resolve" and the "children" are actually adults (apart from the 14-year-old), so they will deal with it.

Your ex has moved on and is having a new family - he has every right to do so. That he is middle-aged and has arthritis in his knee has nothing to do with you.

I expect he will see his 14-year-old exactly as often as he did before (once they settle down with the babies), given the fact that he lives 250 miles away.

seasidesally · 14/12/2015 21:22

op you sound obsessed with your ex and his now life

i actually think your gutted about the twins

you really need to back away from your ex's life by not asking about hi life to the kids,let their realationship (dad and child) be between them they are older and you dont need to know whats going on in hi life

Blakerose15 · 14/12/2015 21:46

First time on here I was very young when I was with a violent ex had two child I had counciling but it belive you have not let go and need to talk to someone it's perfectly normal to hate on him as nobody knows what he done to you but you are letting him win if you don't move on plz talk to someone it affects you n your children

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