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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex's partner is expecting twins

119 replies

Elendon · 13/12/2015 21:05

He's going to be 52 and she is will be 44 when they have them. Her first children, his 4th and 5th. His eldest child will be 24 on the birth, the youngest 14 going on 15. He became abusive towards me when I was expecting my first, it was emotional abuse, then he had an affair after the second birth. They are a wealthy couple and have by way of a salve to the children we share, have bought (well she has) a big house to accommodate them all. The children have no intentions of going - though I don't care if they do. What is he thinking? His youngest child is autistic.

I just feel so sorry for her. I thought they were the perfect couple. Could forgive the upheaval to the family when they fell for each other. He promised no more children in fact he had a vasectomy at 38. But although I think this is the beginning of the end of their relationship, my children have said to me to please never take him back. They are not happy. (I'm just laughing!).

What do I say to my children?

OP posts:

MTWTFSS · 13/12/2015 22:16

Elendon From your opening post it sounds like you would benefit from some counselling/talking to a friend that doesn't have contact with the rest of the family. It sounds like you have all different thoughts swirling around your head and you need to find a way to make sense of them.

Your post does sound natural and given time you will find a way to move on and progress with your own life.

Mumite · 13/12/2015 22:19

I agree with Mrs DeVere, you sound in shock. You sound as if you have a whole range of emotions and feelings flooding you. It could well be this has brought the past back in a horrible way or you are worrying about the future changes in your children's relationship with their father (possibly, particularly the one with autism). It's a bit hard to understand you because you haven't been very clear in your posts as to what actually is the main concern and we can't guess: whether it's horror that a man who abused you is playing "happy families" in another family (a common reaction to such news), schadenfreude because you feel sure it'll all go wrong for a woman you hate (hopefully not as that is bitter, particularly if your ex was abusive as you wouldn't want to wish that on anyone), anxiety about his continued parenting duties re your own...Whatever though, give yourself some time to process. I couldn't give any advice re how to address this with the children, I am not sure you have to in any way, just listen perhaps to what they tell you? If they are old enough to remember you being abused around pregnancy, it may help to open up space for them to talk about their fears, but, if that's not relevant, I don't see the point in enforced jollity or total neutrality about the new children, you are entitled to tell your children at that age that you don't feel altogether happy about it but maybe let your own feelings settle abit first before planning your strategy about what you'll say to the kids.

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 22:32

Thanks Mumite.

I've calmed down now. His life has no meaning to me. We do not have any contact whatsoever, apart from him ringing the doorbell.

I did go on antidepressants after he left me, the shock was so great. I also had counselling.

Why I should be shocked by a man whose word could not be trusted I've no idea.

Off to bed now. Have had a glass of wine and a lovely chat with my mum, mainly about Strictly. She has said to just carry on, but can understand my reaction.

I just feel for the children. I'm sure they'll come around.

OP posts:

moggiek · 13/12/2015 22:33

Is this about money - greater the number of offspring, the greater the reduction of any potential inheritance? Or are you just really hurt?

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 22:35

I have requested that he text he's there when he picks up his son, rather than ring the doorbell. He has ignored this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 22:37

I have an inheritance that is not affected, now we are post divorce. He earns a lot but built up debts unknown to me (and tried to pass them off as part of the settlement, but the judge said no).

OP posts:

MTWTFSS · 13/12/2015 22:38

I can understand why the 14 year old would feel uncomfortable about it all- being Autistic myself I truly hate change, but why are the other children upset?!? Surely they know their father has his own life and can do as he pleases.

MarshaBrady · 13/12/2015 22:43

I can understand why it might be difficult for them too. But as the op says, they might come around when the babies arrive.

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 22:46

He promised his children he would not have more and would not get married.

I warned them it would change. I think adult children find it difficult to think their dad is having babies.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 13/12/2015 22:48

Do your adult children not have their own lives/hobbies/jobs?

Mumite · 13/12/2015 22:53

I'd just ignore the unsympathetic posters too Elendon. If I were you and feeling this raw, it wouldn't be helpful at all to me listening to a lack of sympathy. Honestly, I do think some folk come on here to kick people while they're down, that's life I suppose but it puts me off Mumsnet. You might feel bitter, you might feel raging, you might feel totally confused, and, yep, you might be posting whilst drunk (as someone suggested!). Who cares, you deserve a bit of sympathy as you hadn't expected this and it has upset you and your children.

LucyBabs · 13/12/2015 22:59

Some very unreasonable responses to elendon
I can understand your upset and frustration elendon
This isn't just your ex setting up home with the OW, they are now starting a family.
It can't be easy and those being bitchy aren't helping the op

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 23:01

I'm just worried that our son won't see his dad now so often - he only sees him for four days a month. Just when they were going to the footy together and having a lovely relationship. His dad is not young, he's middle aged. He has arthritis in his knee - diagnosed when he was still with me. He is now living 250 miles away.

I couldn't care less, but I do feel for my son. Who is in shock and doesn't know how he feels. It was said so casually as well, over coffee and to his mum, who is also in shock.

Quelle surprise.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 23:03

Thanks for the support. I really do appreciate it. xx

I have learnt to live with nasty responses. It just washes over me now.

OP posts:

Whenischristmas · 13/12/2015 23:12

I think you have had some very nasty unnecessary responses. I don't know why people are pretending to be confused.

I can understand your feelings. If I heard my exh was having twins with a new partner I think I might laugh in shock as well especially if he was already a crap father to the children he already has (mine is.)

fidel1ne · 13/12/2015 23:18

When an OP is describing new babies as I think it's the punishment he so deserves. Especially twins having those attitudes gently challenged is probably good for her.

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 23:22

I know. I apologise for saying that.

I've calmed down now. I'm sure they'll be both very happy together post twins.

OP posts:

Original poster

Elendon · 13/12/2015 23:29

I obviously spent twenty years of my life with someone I didn't actually know.

OP posts:

fidel1ne · 13/12/2015 23:34

The counselling suggestion was a good one. You sound very angry and hurt

Shutthatdoor · 13/12/2015 23:37

I have to admit I was too the OW.

So you helped to break up his previous relationship!?

Sorry but you have no reason to talk really.

As for laughing at the new partner....

Nottodaythankyouorever · 13/12/2015 23:38

I think you have had some very nasty unnecessary responses. I don't know why people are pretending to be confused.

Maybe because the OP was the OW previously....

VaticanAssassin · 14/12/2015 01:26

The old expression is after all "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy"

Waltermittythesequel · 14/12/2015 04:29

He promised his children he would not have more and would not get married.

This is just so weird and unnecessary. Why on earth would he do that?!

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 14/12/2015 06:16

I think it's quite a common thing Walter....it's what these fucktards say to try and make the divorce/leaving their mother a little bit easier on kids. It's the same as when they say to their wives that "it's not you, it's me" "there is no-one else" and when they tell the OW that they haven't had sex with their wives for 26 years.

It's all part of the fuckwit script.

TheoriginalLEM · 14/12/2015 06:32

you talk about his children? are you their stepmother?

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